Room 47
by Little-Normandy
Summary: AU. Santana Lopez is engaged to her high school sweetheart Sam Evans. With her wedding 3 months away, Santana begins to get stressed, pressuring her relationship and is also stuck in a dead end job. Her friend Quinn advises her to seek counsel from sex therapist and relationship counselor Brittany Pierce.
1. Something Spontaneous

**Title:** Room 47

**Pairings:** Santana/Brittany, Santana/Sam

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Genre:** Romance/Angst

**Summary: AU.** Santana Lopez is engaged to her high school sweetheart Sam Evans. With her wedding 3 months away, Santana begins to get stressed, pressuring her relationship and is also stuck in a dead end job. Her friend Quinn advises her to seek counsel from sex therapist and relationship counselor Brittany Pierce.

**Authors Note (important, please read):** Hey you lot, so I've decided to start another fic (one that's completely different from my other one, which I haven't abandoned don't worry). Anyway this is going to be a long note because I don't plan on putting any further notes in this fic at all and I'll just let the chapters run through, although that doesn't mean I don't appreciate reviews because I always read them and they always make me smile and laugh. If you do want to ask me questions/see previews drop me an ask in my Tumblr (link is in my profile page). This fic will be entirely from Santana's point of view and use a second-person narrative. Also, what I will say is that even though it is M rated, this will be a slow burner so if that's not your type of fic I suggest you bow out now. Also a pre-warning, Santana in this fic is in a heterosexual relationship with Sam, and whilst they will not have too much focus (and I will not write anything much of a graphic nature between them) I will leave it narratively obvious that they are a couple, so if you really don't like that idea, again, I suggest you don't read. This is a Brittana fic first and foremost though. I don't know how often I'll be able to update this one, but I find myself writing second person a lot faster for some reason, anyway I hope you enjoy. :)

/

**Chapter One – Something Spontaneous**

This is _the _most boring job in the entire world of that you are certain. Sure, you dreamed of being a singer, singing in snazzy bars and fancy clubs in New York City, smoking all the cigars you wanted in secret, but then your mother told you to get a life so you got one. Some life. Santana Lopez, young, gorgeous (so you've been told), a little too mouthy for your own good, yet here you are in the big city working in a technical support department mostly taking calls from old ladies who still in this day and age have no idea how to turn on a freaking computer, much less create their own home network or, _god forbid_, know how to run a simple anti-virus check. If everyone weren't so stupid you'd be out of a job, then again you aren't all that sad about that possibility either.

You're getting married in 3 months. The parents are even paying for the wedding. They're glad you are marrying the guy you dated in high school and the love of your life. The _only_ love of your life. Sam's cute, blonde, a dork – very much the antithesis of you, yet somehow the two of you have managed to work. He makes you laugh and is a really sweet guy, and according to your friends (not that you have many) they are a rare breed, so when he got down on one knee, albeit outside of Domino's, you said yes.

Yet, you aren't even excited, not even a little.

Actually, you're sort of depressed. Maybe it's the job, the monotonous day-to-day same routine, maybe it's Sam, you have no idea but you've never felt so old, even though you're only 25, you feel like you're turning 50. Your time in college was probably the most interesting your life is ever going to get. You got drunk on occasion, learned new things, hell you even made out with a girl once. Now you're settling down, or at least you think you are, yet you can't shift this feeling of emptiness from your heart and head. You aren't quite satisfied with how your life has turned out or as much as the thought scares you, where it's going.

Life is moving too fast.

It's lunch and like every other workday at lunch time, you are in the busy setting of Starbucks, because you literally cannot stand to be in your office much less your work building, and because you also meet your best friend Quinn here. The blonde woman was smart, articulate and worked in law, and surprisingly had a lot more work-related horror stories to share than you did so you are both on the same boat. Kind of. She's a single mother raising a small child of her own and, even though you don't say it often enough, or _ever_ to be honest, you kind of admire her.

She's looking at you across the table; hot steam bellowing up from her cappuccino, studying you like she knows there's something wrong. She knows you better than you know yourself, then again these days your beginning to question whether you really know yourself at all.

You put your own coffee down with a soft thud and shoot her an impatient look. "I know you're itching to say something Quinn, so spill already, I hate when you're weird and quiet like this, makes me think you're a killer or something" you say quickly, feeling uncomfortable in this long silence.

"I was just thinking," she smiles a little, taking a sip of her hot beverage. "On what to get you and Sam for a wedding gift"

"Oh," you sigh, unable to mask your disappointment. You really don't care. If anything you don't want to talk about it. What's the big deal about weddings anyway? You just want the day to come quickly so it's over and done with and people don't hassle you about it anymore.

"Also I was thinking what's wrong with you" she adds.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Santana," she sighs at you like the game is up. "You're getting married yet I don't think I've ever seen you so miserable"

You sigh as your shoulders slump. You kind of feel like crying but no way, Santana Lopez does not do crying, especially in front of Quinn, she'd never let it go.

"I think I'm depressed," you admit quietly, slightly shocked that you even said it.

Quinn 'cool as a cucumber' Fabray simply inclines her head and takes another sip of coffee. "Go see your doctor then" she shrugs, like it's the simplest thing in the world.

You roll your eyes at her. "_Sure_ Q, I don't need pills or a god damn shrink…I'll…be fine…I'm just in a funk, maybe it's this crappy job" it comes out more like a question than a statement.

"Maybe," Quinn says in tone that suggests she doesn't agree with you at all, and it kind of pisses you off. "But you should make an appointment nonetheless"

A groan of frustration escapes your lips as you chug more coffee down your throat.

"I actually know someone," Quinn says airily, like she's testing the waters for your reaction.

"Know someone what?" you frown.

"A counselor" Quinn says simply. "She's one of the most recognized in the profession-"

"I don't need counselling" you interject. "Besides, how do you even know a…" you trial as realization seeps in. You both look at each other sadly.

Puck. Noah Puckerman, the father of Beth (Quinn's daughter) had died in a motorcycle accident soon after the baby was born. You always thought the guy was a loser, but you had seen how upset Quinn was, the accident left her without anyone and her daughter without a father.

"She's really great you know," Quinn says firmly, perhaps not wanting to linger on the thought of Puck for too long.

"Who?"

"Brittany" she smiles.

"Whose Brittany?" you ask, annoyed. Quinn was acting very weird today. You just want to drink your damn coffee in peace and have her moan to you about the constant sexism she's objected to at work. It makes your own situation seem bearable.

"The counselor. Brittany Pierce is her name," Quinn informs you. "She works in the building across from your work actually"

"What building?" you ask trying to think if you ever saw shrinks be advertised. "The office block across the way?"

"Yep" Quinn nods. "She's the best counselor there is apparently, I can certainly vouch for her," she smiles faintly like she's remembering something. "I've heard she isn't conventional but she was good with me…she's not even a bereavement counselor and yet…she helped me understand things…and move on to seeing new people. It may sound silly but she reminded me who I was."

You stare at Quinn. You're not going to lie and say you didn't notice a change about a year ago in the other woman. Quinn was so hung up on Puck even after his death, but then suddenly last year she started casually dating again. You always did wonder what exactly got into her. You and Quinn usually tell each other most things, but you're both not the close emotional type so you understand why she'd keep this from you.

"She's a shrink like most others but specifically she's a relationship counselor and sex therapist" Quinn says casually.

You choke on your coffee a little. "A what?" you splutter out. "A sex therapist? What the hell is that?"

Quinn shrugs.

"And what the hell Fabray? What makes you think I need relationship guidance or…sex therapy or whatever the hell it is," you snap at her.

"Oh so you dreading your own nuptials is completely normal then? And how are things in the bedroom department between you and Sam anyway?" she asks like she already knows the answer.

You open your mouth to retort with something but nothing comes to mind.

"Look," she begins softly, straightening up her thick black coat over her office wear. "I hate seeing you like this, and I know that things between you and Sam aren't perfect. I think you're depressed because you're not really all that happy with-"

"Shut up," you cut her off. "What the hell would you know anyway? I am happy with Sam" you insist, for some reason feeling really defensive of your relationship.

"I wasn't even going to say unhappy with Sam, but whatever, you won't mind going to see this counselor then," Quinn says like she's already decided for you. "I have her number, I can text her and ask if you can go over during your lunch break tomorrow"

"But we normally come here for lunch"

"Exactly and tomorrow I'll just be nagging you all over again to go" Quinn says. "Please Santana, for me?"

You roll your eyes at the look she's giving you.

"Look you only have to meet her once, if you decide it's not for you then fine you don't have to see her any more, but the introductory session is free so…"

"Even if I did see this shrink on occasion, I can't really afford it Quinn" you argue, feeling proud you finally have a fair point.

"She's a friend of mine, I'll get a discount, you can afford it, your parents are paying for most of the wedding anyway," she says as she brings her mobile out of her pocket.

"I haven't agreed to anything yet Quinn," you warn her, eyeing her thumb as it taps furiously over her phone.

"You're going Santana," she says with finality. "You've got nothing to lose, besides, it's about time you did something spontaneous."

You sink back in your chair and cross you arms. Do you have any say in your life at all?

The walk back to your work in the chilly New York air is one of the few things you actually enjoy.

"Something spontaneous" you grumble to yourself a little while later slumping down on your sofa after work.

You get up and start pacing for no reason, finding your way to the mirror in the hallway. You're wearing your usual work clothes, white shirt and black pencil skirt, you look up and a sad caramel toned face looks back at you. Brown eyes duller than usual, a constant crease in your brow it's like you can't get rid of it and a hairline that refuses to stay in shape. You're still hot though, you know that, in fact its all people tell you usually. You guess other people would be flattered by such attention, but there's only so many times a guy can tell you you're hot before it starts to loose all meaning. You're not interested in any other guys anyway. Sam is all you need.

You and Sam live in this crappy little apartment. It's sort of cozy but it's just temporary, or so you've both been telling yourselves for the past two years. Sam's a graphics artist and designs video games and such, the both of you have been saving up to move somewhere a bit nicer after the wedding, although realistically even with both of your salaries combined, you don't think you can buy somewhere decent in New York with today's economy and rising house prices. Living in the city ain't cheap. For some reason you are relieved, part of you doesn't want to leave this crummy little apartment. It would mean the end of your youth, your current life and the beginning of your new one with Sam. Something you should be happy about, and are it's just…

"I need a smoke," you grumble as you make your way back into the empty living room, sometimes you really wish you had a cat or something to talk to when Sam isn't here. Christ, you're wishing for a cat to talk to instead of another friend, that thought alone proves how much of a bitch you really are.

You don't have many friends, as Quinn so often reminds you it's because you can be antisocial and have a tendency to mock people. You don't mean to be it's just who you are, and people in general annoy you. In fact most of your friends are really just Sam's friends, and all male, Quinn is practically the only female friend you have, and even then the basis of your friendship is based on common hatred and bitterness of the world around you.

After opening all the windows in the room, you slide off your work shoes, kick your feet up on the coffee table and light up a cigar.

You make a sound that's somewhere between a sigh and a hum as you exhale, the thick smoke protruding from your mouth and making shapes in the air above you. You have no idea why you are keeping this a secret from Sam, you're pretty sure he wouldn't break up with you or call off the wedding if he found out you liked the occasional cigar but for some reason this is just your thing…only yours…

By the time Sam get's home from work you've already sprayed the place with Fabreze and brushed your teeth.

"Hey baby" he smiles that dopey grin as he comes in and plants a kiss on your forehead.

Still slumped on the sofa you merely smile back up at him. "I was going to make us dinner but there's nothing there, you want to just order in?"

Sam unzips his hoody and clears his throat, and you just know one of his many dorky impressions is coming.

"Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home," Sam says in an exaggerated southern accent, pointing both fingers at you like cowboy guns.

"John Wayne" you say needlessly, rolling your eyes. "Very funny," you sigh "I would have had the freakin' dinner ready if there was anything actually there that could be digested by a human being"

"It's OK" Sam says, his large lips forming a grin and his floppy golden hair falling about his forehead as he walks toward and slumps down beside you on the sofa. "We'll just order"

Chinese food is a favorite of yours, even if you never quite got the hang of using chopsticks.

After dinner Sam is lying across the sofa, his feet on your lap as you both watch television in the otherwise dark room.

"How was work?" he asks with a yawn.

"Same as usual" you shrug. "Get this though, I was having lunch with Quinn today and she reckons I should see a shrink friend of hers tomorrow, can you believe that?"

"Why? Are you feeling OK? Is something wrong? Did I do something?" Sam asks hurriedly, his blonde eyebrows shot up in worry.

You chuckle a little and pat hit feet. "No, it's not you" you shake your head. "I guess it's just…me?" you say uncertainly. "I don't know maybe it's this job, I've just been feeling really down lately and haven't been having much sleep"

"Yeah," Sam mumbles in thought. "If that's the case you should totally go"

"Huh?" you scoff at him indignantly. "You cannot be serious"

"Huh? There's nothing wrong with seeing a shrink Santana, besides what harm can it do?"

"I…well it could burn a hole in my purse for a start"

Sam simply scratches his nose and shrugs indifferently. "You have been kinda distant lately babe and if seeing a shrink makes you feel better then I don't see the problem"

Finding no real argument to that you simply shrug and focus your attention back to the television.

Once again you get little sleep that night, sometimes Sam snores and you tell yourself it's because of that, but you really know deep down it's because you're restless.

The next day you tell yourself at lunchtime you'll just go meet Quinn in Starbucks as usual and just find a way to tune out the tone of her nagging voice. You don't need a shrink. You're fine. It's totally normal to lose sleep now and then, and be worried about a wedding; I mean you're supposed to get nervous right? You throw on your jacket over your cream shirt and pencil skirt. You look fine. Anybody walking down the street would be envious of you. You have a loving family, a great fiancé; a relatively OK paying job and you're hot as hell. Seriously, this is the life; you just need to stop being such an ungrateful, moody bitch.

For some reason though, you find yourself walking across the street, in the opposite direction from Starbucks and to the building adjacent from your own. You're muttering thoughts out loud to yourself, having absolutely no idea why you're even doing this.

You enter the building, it's white everywhere and eerily empty. Your shoes click clock against the marble floor as you make your way to the only other person in this large room, a female African American woman sitting behind a desk.

"Uh," you hesitate, and for some reason you feel nervous. "I'm not sure where to go, I'm supposed to meet a Brittany here?"

"Oh, _those_ services are on the seventh floor, take the lift behind me" she says with disinterest not even bothering to look away from her computer screen.

You look around as you nod and walk toward the elevator. This place is weird. It's empty and what did that woman mean by "those services"? Seriously, just looking at this place, it's so blank and monotonous it could literally be a building for anything; there's no posters on the wall or signs or directions anywhere. It could be a hospital, a bank or a movie set for all you know.

You take the elevator to the seventh floor and the doors part with a soft binging noise. It's a little less scary up here. You walk down a narrow hallway and you see that the place is just as empty up here, but at least there's a nice cream carpet and pictures of plants on the wall. You walk forward and you notice the receptionist up here is a man. He's dressed in a rather camp style, a brown blazer with a plastic looking rhino face attached to it and you are oh so close to instantly insulting him. You really want to say something but you still your tongue when he see's you.

"Good afternoon, my name's Kurt Hummel, how may I help you today?" he smiles politely, his voice soft and effeminate.

You're kind of glad you didn't insult him now because his smile and presence almost instantly calms your nerves.

"Yeah uh hi…I have an appointment with a Brittany Pierce?"

"Oh," he says looking surprised for a second. "Very good, just go down the corridor, she's in room 47" he says motioning with his hand.

You nod again and make your way there, for some reason stopping half way down the hall. You have a strong urge to just turn around and forget all about this. You find yourself turning your head and Kurt's watching you from his desk, he gives you a small smile and a little wave. It's encouraging and you wonder if he knows you're nervous. You do your best to smile back and press on.

Room 45….room 46….

Room 47. It's a white door with a golden number plate and handle and is not even remotely significant, yet you find yourself just staring at it. The way Quinn was going on about this woman like she was freakin' Jesus Christ and could turn water into wine and fix all your problems. Whatever. You wonder if you should knock but Kurt said she was in here so she's probably expecting you, right?

You grab the handle and open the door. Normally you'd scan the room, you'd take notice of the nice desk and great window view, the coffee table in the middle of the room, the long leather mocha colored sofa that has an adjacent leather chair opposite and the whole set up is very much cliché. But your brain only processes so much of this, because the woman sitting on the lone leather chair, across from the long one, has all of your attention.

"Uh…hi?" you say shakily and feel the nerves run through your veins all over again.

You're kind of stunned. She wasn't what you were expecting, like _at all_. You were expecting some blandly dressed middle-aged woman and instead you're met with a young woman, perhaps about the same age as you, dressed fashionably. The woman is slouching on the chair; feet hung over the armrest, her long blonde hair up in a lazy bun. She's wearing blue tight jeans, a shirt and black pumps. She flashes a smile at you and pops out a bright pink bubble from her mouth. She's sitting chewing gum and slouching like a damn teenager.

"Sup" her smile widens as she inclines her head for you to enter the room more.

Apparently talks like one too.

"Uh," you stumble for words as you close the door behind you. You expected someone more professional, wasn't this woman supposed to have a good reputation in her job? Maybe this woman isn't even Brittany; maybe it's her daughter or something.

She stops chewing, takes out her gum and shoots it across the room, the piece landing perfectly in the trashcan by the door.

"Hiya," she says cheerily, standing up from the chair and coming toward you. "I'm Brittany, pleased to meet you"

OK, so this _is_ Brittany.

You're staring at her and for all the words you know you're struggling to find any of them.

She smiles and giggles at your silence and you feel your stomach flutter and a smile twitch your lips. Her eyes are bright blue and beaming positivity, they are catlike and looking right into yours with curiosity. OK, so if this woman's job is to make people feel better? You can already tell she's good at it because her personality is already infectious. Normally you hate bubbly people like this but for some reason she isn't already annoying you.

She doesn't hold out a hand, but she gestures for you to sit down on the couch opposite her chair.

You slump down not knowing what to say and still not knowing why you're even here. This whole thing is stupid.

"Wow, you're gorgeous" Brittany breathes as she sits down and looks at you in awe, like she's just seen a celebrity or something.

"Oh…uhm…thanks" you stutter and everything is weird right now, because that's something you've heard a million times, albeit you don't get it often from other woman but still it's different coming from her and you find your cheeks are getting warm. It seemed so sincere and you're flattered. You don't know if she's just doing her job or something though.

"My names Santana, I take it Quinn told you about me?"

"Oh no," Brittany says shaking her hand away in a dismissive manner. "I don't like to know anything about my clients beforehand, all I know about you is that your name's Santana Lopez and, well, Quinn _may _have said something about you being unsociable or stubborn but I didn't take much notice because it's was coming from Quinn of all people"

You snort feeling your nerves seep away into this incredibly comfy sofa.

Her smile widens once she sees she made you laugh and again your stomach flutters and you clench it to make it stop. You have no idea why you're feeling all weird. Maybe you are still nervous. You need to be straight with her.

"Look, I've got to be honest, I really shouldn't be here. I don't even know why I am here, this was Quinn's idea, not mine," you say as frankly as possible.

Brittany's face is unreadable as she crosses her legs, leans back and clasps her hands together in front of her mouth, it's like she's studying you and you already feel uncomfortable under her gaze.

"It was Quinn's _suggestion_," she corrects you. "You however came here of your own freewill which implies that you feel the need to be here, right?" she says like it's the simplest logic in the world.

You swallow as she pretty much just called out how dumb you sound. You don't think you've ever felt this out of your depth in all your life.

"I guess," you say, your voice suddenly smaller. "But I don't know the reason why"

"Mhmm," Brittany hums and tilts her head to the side in a way that seems like she pities you. "It's not nice when you feel unfulfilled and unhappy with your life, it's even worse when you don't really know the reason for it or why you're feeling that way" she says softly.

Fuck. Those words hit home as she just says exactly how you've been feeling recently and you clench your stomach more because you can't cry, she'll think you're a weirdo. You really have nothing to cry about anyway.

The natural, confrontational part of you seems to kick in, "What makes you think I'm unhappy?" you ask, frowning.

The blonde shrugs and looks at you. "You wouldn't be here otherwise, right? Would you like some coffee, tea?"

"Uh," you hesitate, a little thrown by her change in direction of conversation. "No, no thank you"

"Mmrph" Brittany chuckles a little and you raise an eyebrow at her. "Quinn gave me the impression you were totally rude but you've been lovely so far"

She's still looking at you like that and it makes you happy, nervous and uncomfortable all at the same time. You wish she'd stop.

"Yeah well," you roll your eyes "I figure I shouldn't piss off my counselor right?"

She laughs softly and again a smile tugs your lips. "Believe me Santana, I'll be the one pissing you off in no time. Most people find counseling hard, especially at first, so the fact that you're here is a good sign, that's one of the hardest parts."

"I gotta admit, this looks like one of those offices you see in the movies, you know where the patient lies down on the sofa and I guess you sit behind them and ask them a bunch of shitty questions"

"You can lie down if you want" Brittany says, apparently missing the point entirely.

"Uh no, it's fine" you say but are distracted by a picture hanging on the wall behind Brittany's desk on the other side of the room. "I-Is…is…is that you and Robert freakin' De Niro?" you ask, stunned at the picture of the old actor and Brittany smiling side by side.

Brittany looks over to where you're eyes are but quickly turns back to you. "Yeah," she smiles softly. "He was a client of mine once, nice guy," she says nonchalantly.

"A client? He's rich and famous! What the hell would he be unhappy for?" you scoff.

You instantly regret it, as Brittany's face turns a little more serious.

"I don't discus other clients business," she says resolutely and you absolutely believe every single word.

"Oh I know, I wasn't asking you too I just…" you trail and you can't believe this. You're a bad ass, you are good at confrontation, and yet here this woman is just sitting there, sweet as Mary fucking Poppins and you're intimidated as hell. This is Quinn's fault. She hyped this woman up so much your reaction is just physiological or something. That's it.

"Why do you think you're here Santana?" Brittany suddenly asks, laying her hands down on her lap.

You open your mouth to say something but you don't know the answer to that question. A long silence settles in and she's still looking at you patiently for an answer.

You don't have an answer for her.

Seriously.

This is one big long ass silence.

Brittany doesn't move, doesn't even blink and just looks at you calmly.

"I…I don't know" you mumble, embarrassed. "Maybe I should just leave now?"

Brittany giggles again, it's soft and childlike and yet again your stomach flutters a little. God. What is wrong? You feel like you're going to throw up and a part of you just wants to get the hell out of here.

"No, you shouldn't leave Santana," she sighs in amusement. "I'd miss you"

Your eyes are darting all over the room as you give a nervous laugh. "Believe me you won't, you don't even know me"

Brittany leans forward and again clasps her fingers together in front of her thin pursed lips, almost like she's staring right into you and taking mental notes, then reading some sort of book no one else is privy too.

You realize that's a lot to judge a look on, but it's how you feel.

"What do you do for a living, Santana?" she asks, her eyes narrowing almost like she's trying to guess anyway.

"I uh…" you stutter yet again and you can't seem to form fucking sentences in this room. You clear your throat and try again, "I actually work across the street"

She nods like she already knew. Quinn must've told her.

"I work in a technical support department, I take phone calls, maintain servers, sort though the payroll, trust me it's all _very _boring" you say rolling your eyes playfully.

"So, what is it you'd rather be doing?"

You blink at her because you never said anything about not liking your job, sure you said it was boring but most people find their work boring to some extent, right?

"Actually since I was little I've always wanted to sing," you say before you can stop yourself. You feel a blush on your cheeks and pinch the bridge of your nose. "Sorry, that probably sounds really lame" you laugh out nervously.

"It's not lame, it's admirable" Brittany says simply and she's smiling at you again.

You swallow thickly and just nod. Again you feel a little teary because no one has ever told you that. Quinn, Sam and all your friends and family think it's an unrealistic pipe-dream, but you've always thought it was possible. Deep, _deep_ down you really have.

"Anything's possible" Brittany adds wistfully.

Your heart stops because this crazy woman is starting to freak you out, it's like she's reading your mind.

"What do you hope to get out of your time here, Santana?" Brittany asks before you can crumble into tears for unknown reasons.

What's with all the vague questions?

"I…I don't know" you shrug honestly. You're voice is so feeble and you feel so out of your comfort zone in this room.

"Welllll," Brittany drawls out another smile plying her lips but there's something else mixed in with her tone, "How long would you like us to see each other then?"

You stare at her and realize her smile is in fact a smirk, and you really need to get out of here, this woman is scaring you in the subtlest way and you don't even know why.

"Well, I'm uh…getting married in 3 months" you say.

"Ah," Brittany says like something has just clicked in her brain. "I see, so your relationship is attributing to how you're feeling lately?"

"I…I never said that" you argue.

"You didn't have to" she says right back. "I asked how long would you like us to see each other and you answered with a completely unrelated answer, except that _it is_ related, because you think your problems, whatever they might be has to be fixed within 3 months. Before your wedding I assume? I bet it feels like a timer ticking down and you're just sitting watching it, dreading what happens when the last grain of sand falls"

You're gaping at her as the back of your throat has gone completely dry.

"Don't worry Santana" she adds serenely and stands up from her chair. "I'm a counselor but I'm also a relationship counselor and sex therapist so if you're having trouble with your relationship-"

"It's not like that" you say loudly cutting her off and standing up too. "OK you're right," you admit exhaling. "But it's not just my relationship, it's my job and…other things…OK? Sam's a great guy, really the problem lies with me, not him."

"I think we've made good progress for an introductory session, don't you?" she smiles like you didn't just yell at her.

You don't know what to say to that so you just stare at her and hope she doesn't think you're crazy or rude or both. You sense the meeting coming to an end.

"This meeting was free but if you want to organize further appointments talk to Kurt, my secretary outside"

You're curious. "What would further appointments mean?" you ask still feeling embarrassed. "I mean, what would we do?"

She cocks her head to the side like she thinks your naive. You frown back at her.

"Wellll," she drawls out slowly and motions for you to follow her to the door. You both start walking and stop at the door. "We'd focus on different area's of your life, your thought process, how you see your self and how to change the things and situations in your life that is making you feel negatively," she says like it's the simplest thing to do in the world.

"Oh," you breathe and she steps closer to you.

She's very close and you feel uncomfortable. You see the cerulean blue of her eyes and the faint smell of cinnamon from her body, there's also another smell, something like freshly baked bread or something. You internally scold yourself, who gives a fuck what this crazy woman smells like?

"C-can I touch you?" Brittany asks quietly and she's looking down like she wants to touch your hand for some reason. Her breath ghosts over your skin briefly and you smell the cherry bubblegum she was popping earlier.

"I…" you breathe back and don't know what to say.

Your whole body is acting weird, you feel like your lungs aren't working. Here's the thing, you aren't a touchy feely person, not even with Sam. You're not a hugger or a holding hands type person, you like your personal space.

This woman is invading that space though and instead of telling her to fuck off you're nodding your head meekly.

She grabs your right hand, but then quickly drops it. "No," she smiles shaking her head bashfully. "That isn't quite right is it?"

You have no fucking idea what she's talking about, you're just rooted there to the spot as she takes your left hand. She brings it up to her face and you want to jerk your hand away and ask her what the fuck she's doing but you're just standing here staring dumbly at her. She brings your fingers below her nose and she inhales, her lips ever so slightly tickle your fingers and you have no idea what's happening. You feel like running out the room but your legs don't seem to want to move.

Why the fuck is this woman smelling your fingers?

"Mhmm," Brittany hums and all too quickly she's brought your hand down and let go. "You know Santana," she says conspiratorially and her bright blue eyes are sparkling at you "you _really _shouldn't smoke cigars, it's most unbefitting of you"

You just nod again.

"OK," she giggles a little "Well If you want to make our meetings regular we could meet up every Tuesday and Thursday lunchtime, however if you feel this isn't for you then just say so. Whatever your decision tell my secretary, Kurt, outside. Thank you for coming" she smiles politely.

Before you know it you're standing back out in the hall and the white door of room 47 is shut behind you. You would consider the quick dismissal rude if you actually thought Brittany was capable of being rude. You don't think she is.

You smell your fingers and hands and can't smell anything in particular. You frown back at the door. So, she got that you smoked and were left-handed by what, just looking at you?

You didn't believe in magic but if anyone were going to be magical it would be that bubbly blonde woman, even if she did make you feel uncomfortable and weird.

You walk forward toward Kurt's desk in a trance, not really knowing how you feel or what the hell just happened. How long were you even in there?

"So, will you be requesting Brittany's services for longer?" Kurt asks.

You just nod silently again. You feel like all you've been doing is nodding.

"How long for?"

You clear your throat just to make sure it's still there and functional. "3 months I guess"

"OK, that's fine. You know its 150 dollars per hour, right?"

That brings you right back down to earth.

"What?" you snarl. "My friend Quinn told me she'd get a discount!"

"Miss, that _is _the discount," Kurt says looking at you pointedly. "Brittany's usual rate is between 350 and 400 dollars an hour"

You stare at him in disbelief.

"It's a pretty good offer if you ask me, she's one of the best" Kurt adds with a smile and you feel like its genuine advice and he's not just pimping his boss.

"Fine" you mumble and get out your credit card.

You are crazy.

You came here hoping you'd realize you're sane, but instead you leave feeling rather insane. With a lot less money in the bank too, you think grimly.

Fuck. This is all Quinn's fault and you're going to tell her as much tomorrow.

"Something spontaneous" you grumble again as you push rudely by New Yorkers crossing the street back to your work. As pissed off and confused as you are, your heart doesn't feel nearly as heavy though.

Oh well, if this doesn't work at least this woman would entertain you if nothing else for a lunchtime and that's a lot more than Quinn does.


	2. Lucy

**Chapter 2 – Lucy**

"Sooooo, what did you think?" Quinn asks you with a smirk the following day over your usual Starbucks lunchtime meeting.

"She's…" you begin but really can't find a word to describe Brittany at all.

"Quirky?" Quinn offers.

"I guess," you sigh. "She wasn't what I expected at all"

"But you're still going to keep seeing her, right?" Quinn asks like she would be disappointed if you didn't.

"Yeah," you say slowly. "I suppose"

You sip on coffee, as Quinn seems more interested in the newspaper in front of her. You actually haven't been able to stop thinking about Brittany since meeting her yesterday. She confused and scared the hell out of you but at the same time she made you feel kind of giddy and strangely optimistic, you guess that's her job but...the way she was looking at you sometimes…

You just really like how she makes you feel.

You're sort of bummed you don't see her till tomorrow again.

Later on in your apartment, you've made Sam his favourite meal, enchiladas with side salad, the recipe originally coming from your mother. You like it too but it isn't you're favourite meal. It's strange you live in one of the most vibrant cities in the world and you and Sam have never gone out to a fancy restaurant and tried something new.

"Hey, did I tell you about my folks good news?" Sam asks over the small dinning table.

You shake your head as you take a sip of wine.

"They found a buyer for the ranch" he grins.

"That's great. I wasn't really expecting anyone to buy that place though" you say surprised.

The Evans family owns a ranch down in Tennessee, you and Sam sometimes go there at the weekend. You're very much a city girl but you like going there because it always seems to be sunny and you're always treated well there by the rest of the family.

"The new owner even said they were gonna come down every few weeks and help out with labor"

You narrow your eyes. "That seems too good to be true, first of all this person buys the ranch for what, half a million dollars? Then allows your family to stay there as long as they pay rent AND wants to help maintain the crops and animals?"

"Crazy right?"

You make an uncertain noise. "I don't want your family to get ripped off. Just tell them to double check the paperwork"

"Yeah, yeah…" Sam grumbles.

Sam isn't the smartest of men, neither are his brothers or parents who live and work on that ranch. You love them though; you don't want them to get ripped off, or worse, be left homeless all because they didn't understand the basic terms and conditions.

You remember the time when you first met his parents. They looked at you like you were some sort of alien, that ranch is out in the middle of nowhere, it was probably the first time they had seen a person who wasn't white. You spent like 10 minutes explaining your ethnicity and they still looked confused. At first they seemed to think you were one of those snobbish city people, but in time they grew accustomed to your standoffishness and sarky sense of humor. You're now one of the family and really, they feel more like family than your own parents do.

"Uh, maybe we should go there this weekend?" Sam asks in a way that seems he doesn't want to bother you.

You smile at his thoughtfulness. "No, that's fine, I could do with topping up my tan" you smirk at him.

"How's your counselling going? I mean I know you've only went once but…"

"Fine" you say quickly, for some reason not really wanting to discuss it with him, or anyone in fact. "I mean I had a pretty decent sleep last night so, progress?" you joke.

"Yeah I guess but it won't work overnight or anything though Santana"

"I know" you say in understanding.

Come Thursday you are practically bouncing in your office chair and looking constantly at the clock for lunchtime to come. For some reason you're nervous again but you're also a little…excited?

You don't know why but your stomach is doing flips as you cross the street again, your strides are longer and faster, you just want to get there. You just want to see her again. Just to confirm that your first meeting wasn't some strange dream you had.

The elevator stops at the seventh floor yet again and opens with the same binging noise. You walk forward and come to Kurt's desk.

"Hello miss Lopez" Kurt greets you again. Today's he's wearing a strange cream jumper that cuts half way off from the bottom and a red paper boy cap. You try really hard not to laugh.

"Please, call me Santana" you smirk at him holding your hand up in insistence.

"Only if you call me Kurt" he winks back at you.

"Can…can I just go through?" you ask, pointing your thumb over your shoulder toward where you know room 47 is.

"Actually if you don't mind, Brittany's running a little late, just take a seat, she should be here any moment" he says apologetically.

"OK," you say as your eyebrows rise. How did someone so unprofessional manage to get a job like this?

You wait and wait and it's not until 15 minutes later the elevator door opens and a flustered looking Brittany comes out and toward Kurt's desk. You don't think she's seen you yet.

You stare because you didn't think the woman could be any more bizarrely dressed. She has socks and flip-flops on, short denim shorts and a snuggly looking cream woollen sweater that has a large picture of a duck on it. It looks like one of those home made sweaters that grandmother's stitch for their grandchildren as a gift for Christmas. You press a finger to your lips to stop from laughing once again. Was it a requirement to dress wacky here?

Her long hair was down and slightly wavy today. She really was pretty in the most natural way. You kind of envy her and yet at the same time you just like how pretty she is.

"Sorry Kurt," Brittany says looking slightly out of breath, flinging her bag onto the desk. "I got distracted again, I was twiddling some knobs and got all greasy and before I knew it…well…you know how I am with time. I haven't even took Lucy out today" she says and gives a cute pout.

Kurt laughs softly at her. You wonder how she became so special to just light up a room and everyone in it just by walking in.

"Not to worry, I can go get Lucy and bring her here after work, if you want" Kurt says. "You've only got Christopher and Santana left today, after that you can get back to your grease monkey work"

Blue eyes seem to suddenly widen when her eyes flicker to the side and she sees you. Shock quickly turns to friendliness.

"Hey there gorgeous, sorry I'm late" she smirks at you, fumbling around her bag for something.

You open your mouth to say something but all you feel is your stomach dropping lower than where it should be and the blood rushing to your cheeks. You don't know how she does that or what this even is you're feeling, but you can't help but eventually grin back.

"It's fine"

It's actually not fine because you're paying for these sessions and you'll probably be late back for work but it's Brittany, and when she's looking at you like that, who cares?

"Here they are," Brittany says bringing out keys. "OK Kurt, if anyone phones tell them I'll call them back tomorrow morning" she says pointing at Kurt as she begging to walk down the corridor.

"Will do" Kurt says turning back to his computer.

"C'mon you" Brittany says lowly as she walks by you.

Your body just seems to follow even though your legs suddenly don't feel as confident as they did crossing the street.

Brittany unlocks the room door and you just stand idly behind her. Your eyes trail down the back of her legs and she looks really toned, you wonder what exercises she does, if any.

"I don't go the gym if that's what you're wondering" Brittany suddenly says as she opens the door and turns back at you with a smirk.

"I…I….what?" you try to play dumb and yet again the blood creeps up to your face and she's scaring the hell out of you.

"Most people stare at my legs when they're on display," the blonde shrugs, and somehow it doesn't seem smug or arrogant, more like just a statement of fact. "I'm assuming you were just looking at my legs…or ass…" she says like it was obvious even though you're pretty fucking sure she had her head facing forward the whole time and there's no way she could have seen the split second your eyes fell.

"N-n-no…I…uh wasn't looking" you splutter out, just standing at the doorway like an idiot.

"Oh," Brittany breathes and seems to buy it. She seems a little disappointed. "Oh well, come in" she says, her polite smile quickly returning to her face.

You nod as you walk in and bypass her. She smells like sugary cakes and metal. You wonder what on earth this woman does outside of work. You also wonder why you keep taking mental notes of what she smells like. You sit down on the leather sofa yet again and she sits opposite you, crossing her legs on the chair and blowing out a puff of air that makes a lock of her blonde hair blow up and away from her face. She really is all kinds of adorable. You don't know why you keep thinking all these great things about her, she's nice but you don't even know her.

Maybe you want to know her though.

"What did you mean before, something about knobs?" you smile in amusement. You really want to know something about her. Anything.

"Oh," she smiles and for the first time she glances away looking bashful and you actually feel smug that the tables have briefly turned.

You really like how she makes you feel. You wonder how you make her feel. Maybe she wants to be your friend? You instantly curse yourself because you're already reading way too much into everything, she's _supposed _to be friendly. It's her job to pull you out of your rut.

"That was nothing, it's just I do motocross races and through that I've learned a lot about mechanics so in my free time I like to fix stuff, mostly cars"

You're eyebrows shoot up as a laugh escapes your lips.

"What?" Brittany asks, her head tilting and her smile widening.

Your heart is beating a little faster beneath your skin and you don't know why. It's every time she smiles or laughs…or looks at you…

"It's just, you're never quite what I expect," you say honestly, trying to sound as light-hearted as possible.

She doesn't say anything to that and instead goes straight to business. "Tell me Santana, what is it you do in your free time?" she smiles at you.

You shrug. "Nothing really, I mean Sam likes to go to ice hockey games and-"

"I asked what _you_ liked to do, not Sam" Brittany says, her smile loosening and her voice sounding a fraction more impatient. Her change in demeanour is so slight that you feel you really need to concentrate to pick up on it.

"Well that's what I'm saying, we usually go see ice hockey games together, apart from that nothing really, I like shopping and watching TV and movies, you know, the usual" you shrug. You feel like every word you say is a puzzle piece for her to use to build a picture about you. It's intimating.

"Maybe it's time you found a new hobby," Brittany says and yet again it doesn't sound rude, it just sounds like a suggestion.

"Why?" you ask.

"Doing a hobby that interests us is the best way of improving ones mood, that and exercise. Maybe getting a hobby would open new doors for you"

Open new doors?

She must've sensed your confusion because she elaborates. "For example you want to sing right?"

"Yeah but it's not actually something-"

"Then you should maybe go to a jazz bar and just watch someone else sing" she interrupts you.

"I dunno" you say uncertainly looking down at your hands. "I don't think Sam would be into that"

"Then take a friend or go by yourself," Brittany says.

You can't help but smile. "You make everything sound so simple, you know that?"

She laughs a little then looks you right in the eye. "The world is simple, it's us human beings that complicate things"

You actually sigh at her and just smile faintly. She makes you think anything is possible. Maybe you could go to a bar and watch other people who sing for a living? Maybe one day you'd even have the balls to sing yourself.

"Then one thing could lead to another and you could maybe give it a try yourself, but you don't have to, it's just something for you to do that you're _actually _interested in, because let me be blunt but you don't strike me as the biggest ice hockey fan" she says smirking.

You blink at her and laugh a little nervously. She's in your damn head again.

"I don't have a lot of friends," you admit quietly.

She tilts her head and you swear you see some emotion flash before her eyes.

"Add that to the mounting reasons of why you should take up this new hobby then" she smiles calmly.

"Yeah" you sigh and you actually can't believe you're thinking about it.

Maybe you could?

"I'm sorry our meetings going to have to be short today Santana, it's my fault I was running late, you don't have to pay for this session"

"Oh," you breathe and you don't even bother hiding your disappointment. You just got here. You're not going to see her again till Tuesday and that's like 5 days away. The pit of your stomach feels heavy.

She seems to sense your disappointment. "But tell me something Santana, in the meantime I want to ask you this – if there's one thing in your life right now that's troubling you, more than most, what would you say it is?"

You swallow and think about it.

You look up at her and she's sitting there serenely on the chair, legs crossed and a small smile on her face. Her eyes are so blue and calming. You feel you could tell her anything and she wouldn't think any less of you, or think you're being stupid. That thick sweater she's wearing looks so snug against her, you kind of want to hug her and see how it would feel, how she would feel.

You swallow again because you're having all these feelings for a complete stranger, feelings that you've never felt as strongly before even with Sam and at the same time completely new feelings all together. She's your counselor and a _woman_. Have you become obsessed with her or something? Was that what this is? Was this what counselling was supposed to do to people?

You try not to think about your feelings or any implication they might have. You just really like Brittany and feel like bearing a little of your soul simply because she deserves it.

"I guess lately I've been feeling like life is moving too fast you know?"

Brittany nods and allows you to continue.

"I mean, I'm 25, and I'm already getting married, I've pretty much reached the top of my career ladder since, realistically, I can't see myself going higher being a) I'm a woman b) I'm a woman of color. Fucking bureaucracy and sexism in the office work place is a pain in the ass"

Brittany giggles a little and it makes your stomach flutter just like it did on Tuesday.

"I feel like I'm always disappointing my parents, the only thing they seem to be proud about with me is that fact that I'm marrying Sam. I just feel trapped, you know? There's nothing good going on in my life apart from Sam, but even then I feel like I'm living his life not mine. We share friends and his family is my family. I just don't know who I am any more. This isn't how I imagined things panning out or anything, I feel like I _should _be happy but…"

"You just aren't" Brittany says softly, finishing for you.

You clench your stomach muscles and blink away tears that are stinging the back of your eyes.

"Well," the blonde begins, tucking some hair behind her ear and looking at you, not with pity, but something else you can't place. You're trying really hard not to cry in front of her. "I want you to think about that in our time apart Santana. I mean _really _think about it. Think about what is making you unhappy and think about things you could possibly do to make your situation better. I mean really think outside the box, nothing is off limits, OK?"

You nod feeling a little better. She's definitely given you food for thought.

"Can I leave now?" you ask pathetically. "It's just I'm probably late for work"

"Sure you can" she smiles as she stands up to see you out the door. "Thanks for coming"

You sigh, still trying to fight away the tears, your eyes probably look glossy. You wonder if she knows you're close to crying, then again she's a counselor, she probably does. You both reach the threshold and you turn around to leave.

"One more thing Santana" Brittany says softly and leans forward grabbing your forearm.

You turn back around a little and blink down at her touching you. Again that weird feeling takes over you, her hand is so soft and warm and for some reason you feel like running the hell away but your legs don't appear to be listening to your brain.

"I get the feeling you feel that life is passing you by?"

You nod. She's right yet again. You wonder if you'll ever witness her being wrong.

"We'll touch more on that on Tuesday, but for now, I just want you to know – It's never too late to be who you are"

Fuck.

You really don't want to cry and now she's stroking her thumb along your arm and it's making you feel light-headed. You need to get out of here.

"Goodbye Santana" Brittany says softly.

The door to room 47 is shut behind you once more and your arm is feeling kind of tingly where she was touching it.

You make your way back to work, the tears you had been holding in finally falling from your eyes. You'll need to fix your make-up. This is all Quinn's fault you think grimly. You don't know why you're feeling this way; you were excited to see her but when you got there you just wanted to get the hell away. Something tells you you'll be going through this all over again on Tuesday.

Several hours later you're leaving your work office building, the evening sky setting over the city. You don't live that far from here so you usually get the sub home, it turned out to be less expensive than driving a car in the city, plus you get a five minute walk. When you're about to turn and walk away though something catches your eye across the street.

Brittany.

It is definitely Brittany because it was that building she left and nobody else would leave the house wearing what she was. She's leaving the office building and walking away from you down the opposite street. You stand rooted to the spot wondering what to do. Should you even do anything? You kind of want to say hi though. Maybe you should follow her.

Yep. You are definitely a fucking stalker you think as you start walking toward her and away form your usual route home. It's not until you get closer you realize Brittany is in the company of another blonde, one that reaches Brittany's knees. A golden retriever dog is prodding along happily beside the blonde; it's tail wagging and hitting the back of her legs.

You find yourself smiling.

You're not stalking her for more than 5 minutes before you come to the local park. Of course, she's just taking her dog to the park. You half expected something wonderful to happen when watching her, like she was secretly magic and would open a portal to her secret, wonderful world.

You're really starting to become fucking stupid.

So stupid in fact that you follow her into the park. What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go up and say hi. What's the worst that could happen? Well. The dog could fucking attack you for starters.

You stand by a tree and watch her for a while. Brittany managed to talk to a complete stranger and ask for bread to throw in the pond for the ducks. You just stare at her in awe. She's one of those people who can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Fuck it. You need to talk to her.

You walk briskly, your heels digging into the stone pathway until you're just behind her. The elderly man she was talking to was now sitting on a bench a bit further away.

"Hi!" you say a little too eagerly.

Brittany jumps a little and turns around, her dog following suit.

She looks surprised but happy to see you.

"Santana? Hi, what're you doing here?" she asks, bringing her woolly sweater up to her red cheeks and rubbing them.

She's so damn cute.

"I uh," you swallow and now you realize you didn't have enough time to come up with a lie. Fuck it. You don't think you want to ever lie to her anyway. "I saw you come out the building and I uh…"

"Followed me all the way here?" Brittany finishes, giggling.

"Yeah," you say awkwardly rubbing the back of your neck.

"Where are your manners Lucy? Say hello to Santana!" the blonde says in mock anger to the dog beside her.

The golden retriever wags it's tail and holds up its paw at you.

She's so damn cute, just like her owner. Smart too.

You chuckle as you take its fluffy paw and shake it. It's almost as special as touching Brittany. Almost.

"She's very cute" you chuckle more as the dog drops it's paw and looks up at Brittany. You can tell it obeys and respects its master.

"So cute" Brittany sighs and gives you a pointed look.

Your insides squirm a little.

"Lucy, go get Santana a present, go fetch" she says patting the dog's head.

The dog is off running toward the far distance where there is a group of trees; it goes around one and is out of sight.

"A present?" you smirk, amused.

Brittany nods bouncing on her feet a little.

It's kind of odd to see her out of room 47. It makes her seem more real. Which is fucking stupid because of course she's real. You look bashfully at one another as a brief silence consumes you. You're not good at making conversation because most of the time you don't want to. But you want to with her.

"I like your sweater" you say.

"Thanks," Brittany beams, her eyes falling to your lips briefly then back up to your eyes. "I made it myself"

You chuckle because _of course_.

"You want me to make you one?" Brittany asks excitedly.

You laugh again because she's so innocent and childlike yet has the grace of a woman.

"I wouldn't be caught fucking dead in one of those things," you say.

You watch her face fall, as her eyes look a duller shade of blue.

You know from that moment on that you never want to disappoint her again. "Well," you smirk "that's what I'd _usually _say, but for you? I think I could manage wearing one"

You hope she gets your sense of humour.

The light returns to her eyes and her lips spread out in a smile. "OK, I'll make you one, I need your favourite animal so I know what to put on it though"

"Mhmm," you look up in thought. "A lizard I guess?"

Brittany snorts. "A lizard? _Really _Santana?"

"Yeah really" you smirk. "What's wrong with lizards?"

The blonde rolls her eyes and shakes her head, some blonde hair falling in front of her face. "Fine" she concedes.

You really don't want this conversation to end so you keep talking. "Got any exciting plans for the weekend?"

Brittany runs her tongue along her lower lip and let's out a popping noise with her lips. "Kinda" she says nodding. "I bought property out of state in Tennessee so I need to go and arrange a few things"

You feel the blood leave your face and she must notice because she gives you a puzzled look. It can't be, can it?

"Y-you? You bought the Evans Ranch?" you ask in disbelief.

"Wow, how do you know that?" she asks in awe, her blue eyes wide with surprise.

"Evans…my fiancé is Sam, Sam _Evans_, his family own that place, and I've been going there for years," you say.

You cannot fucking believe this.

"Me and Sam are actually going this weekend too, although our main reason for going was to make sure the new buyer was legit," you say laughing because you don't even need to worry about that any more.

Brittany wouldn't hurt a fly never mind a person.

Brittany giggles a little then sighs. "I guess I'm meeting your future mother in law then?" she asks quietly. The sparkle is gone from her eyes and yet again you get the feeling you disappointed her. You never want to disappoint her and you already hate that look.

"Yeah," you sigh and both of you are plunged into an awkward silence.

You both look out at the little pond and listen to ducks quack and flutter against the water. You wonder how she got the money to buy that place, or why she's even buying it in the first place. Is she moving away? You really hope not. You go to ask but you close your mouth. She's the one that's supposed to ask you the questions, not the other way around.

Lucy comes running back after a while and nudges Brittany's hand. She's brought back a stick. She gives a single bark and Brittany claps around her floppy ears.

You're kind of jealous and again you don't know why, or at least, you don't want to think about why.

"Here," Brittany says smiling giving you the stick. Brittany puts a hand up to her mouth so she's talking away from Lucy. She leans closer to you so she's practically whispering in your ear, "please don't throw away the stick until you're out of the park, Lucy might take it personally if you don't like her stick"

You feel a giggle come up because you don't think she's being serious but then she leans back away from you and looking at you, the brightness back in her eyes a little. You think she's being serious, or at least you think that she thinks there's some truth to that statement. You don't even have the heart to mock her; you just chuckle and nod your head.

She's so fucking cute.

"Oh well, we should be getting home" Brittany sighs and begins to walk away, Lucy following obediently along at her side. "I guess we'll be seeing each other sooner than we thought, huh?" she smirks back at you.

With a whip of her head, she turns back away from you and walks toward the exit.

You just watch her leave and try to ignore the flutter in your stomach. You also try to ignore that your eyes fell to her legs and yeah this time her ass.

You don't want to feel like this, yet you do because it's such a good feeling, you think you're already hooked to how she makes you feel. You went to her in hope that you'd feel saner but again you leave her company feeling insane.

Well, you must be fucking crazy because you carried that damn stick all the way home.


	3. The Evans Ranch

**Chapter 3 - The Evans Ranch**

You don't really believe in fate, yet you can't help but think you were destined to meet Brittany. If Quinn hadn't told you about her you would have met her at the Evan's Ranch eventually anyway. The world really does work in mysterious ways; you're suspicious because normally it's just out to get you. Sam's driving his shabby pick up truck and you've got your things thrown at the back, a weekend away from the city and sitting in the sun while Sam goofed off with his immature brothers seemed like the perfect getaway. Now Brittany was going to be there and it somehow feels more perfect. You're always mocked for dressing up too much at the ranch but you like to look your best, but you've learned from past experience that clothes always somehow get dirty or lost at that place do you've opted to wear boots, tight jeans and a hoodie.

Sam's driving along the middle of nowhere and it's getting dark. You yawn and wonder how much further you are away. You've been to the ranch many times but you can never quite calculate how long it takes you to get there since the grainy road is usually empty and there's literally nothing much along the way to use as landmarks.

"How much further?"

"20 minutes I think" Sam yawns back. "Is this gonna be weird for you? Like your counselor being there?"

You told Sam that his family didn't need to worry about the new buyer for the ranch since it was Brittany. He seemed convinced by your judgment alone and you like that about Sam, he never second-guesses you.

"No," you sigh. "Well, I don't think so, she's nice enough…"

Nice enough. Understatement much? She's the most perfect person you think you've ever met.

You look to your side at Sam. He yawns as he scratches his stubble and tries to keep his eyes on the road. You love him really but do you think he's perfect? You roll your eyes at your own thoughts - nobody is perfect.

Except Brittany.

Maybe.

"Good, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable" Sam says.

You give a small smile and put your hand on his knee and squeeze it. He's always looking out for you, he's not just your fiancé he's kind of your best friend too. For some reason you feel guilty though.

The truck suddenly rumbles and Sam's hitting the breaks but the engines already seemingly died. The truck rolls off road slightly before coming to a halt. You both lunge forward with the momentum into the dashboard.

Sam turns the keys and hits the pedal to the floor to try get it starting again but it's no use.

"What the actual fuck? We better not be stuck out here, I'm not walking that far in the dark" you complain.

"Please Santana, like you're brave enough to walk in the dark" Sam grins at you.

You roll your eyes because you're not in the mood for his taunting, you just want to get to the ranch and go straight to bed, you're exhausted, you both set out soon after you came home from work and you haven't even had anything to eat.

"This is _not _how I want to spend a Friday night"

"Hold on, I'll go take a look," Sam says opening the door and slamming it shut.

You roll down the window at your side and scowl at him, "you don't know the first thing about cars or fixing shit"

Your heart and brain seems to give a simultaneous jolt to your body and consciousness. You know a certain blonde who likes to fix cars. Maybe she likes to fix people too.

Sam spends about 5 minutes out there with the hood open, before he slams it shut and comes back into the truck.

"Yeah uh…I have no idea"

"_Shocking_," you say sarcastically. "Uh, this may sound weird, I don't know if she'd come but…I mean if she's already at the ranch…I suppose…"

God you're nervous.

"What?"

You shift around on your seat so you're facing Sam, "Brittany…my counselor? She knows how to fix cars"

"She does?" Sam screws up his face unconvinced.

"Yeah," you nod firmly. "If she can't fix it then she can always give us a ride there and we'll come out and get the truck later or something"

"OK," Sam nods, getting out his mobile "I'll call my brother and see if she's there"

Your stomach is suddenly doing summersaults, you were kind of hoping to avoid Brittany till at least tomorrow, and now she may be coming to you right now. You and Sam. You feel sick. You don't want her to see you and Sam together, the thought makes you nervous.

"Hey Teddy" Sam grins down his mobile.

Teddy. Teddy is Sam's older brother, that's what people call him, really his name is Theodore but it's just Ted or Teddy for short. They look similar except Ted is scrawny, lanky and tall with long blonde hair normally tied back. He still has the same eyes and large lips as Sam.

You listen intently to Sam's conversation on the phone, wishing desperately you could hear the other end.

"She is? Uh huh….yeah…Brittany…OK…she has it with her? OK. Yeah. She doesn't mind? Uh huh. Cool. Ha, we'll see. OK then. You sure she doesn't mind? OK tell her thanks, bye"

Sam hangs up and you stare at him.

"Well?"

Sam sighs and flicks his golden hair away from his face. "She says she don't have a car to come and get us since she came here on a motorbike, BUT she's pretty sure she can fix the truck so she's on her way with a repair kit or something"

You sigh in relief. "OK, good"

You both exit the car and stand in the darkness outside, it's weirdly eerie and quiet and it's not quite warm or cold, everything's just still. The air is quite humid though and it's annoying you. You and Sam play a ridiculous game of I spy for a while.

It's not until 10 minutes later you see a white dot in the distance and you know it's the front of a vehicle. A motorbike.

Your stomach is back to summersaulting and your heart is beating, Brittany's coming. When the vehicle comes closer you realize it's a shiny red motorbike and the person on it is wearing leather and a black protective biker helmet. Maybe it's not her?

You can't believe how fast they are driving.

Soon the bike expertly swerves into a parking position right in front of the truck and the figure perched upon the bike breaks and lifts off their helmet and long golden hair comes gracefully falling out.

Either Teddy got real pretty or it's Brittany.

You can't believe the sight you're witnessing, and you wonder if there will ever be a time when Brittany does not awe you. You watch as she steps off her motorbike and shakes her head, her blonde hair whipping almost in slow motion in the hot air.

She's every bit the biker as she swaggers toward you and Sam, donning tight leather black pants and a red flannel shirt that's tied up in the middle, displaying probably the most perfect abs you have ever seen, and that's saying something because you're marrying the gym freak that is Sam Evans. You don't know where to look, you're shaking on the spot, and you're kind of jealous how hot she is yet mostly you're just something else. You really don't want to think about that something else.

"Hey, I'm here to rescue you guys" she smirks right at you and your heart goes crazy. The blonde has a bag on and she set's it down, she takes out a red tool box and lays it on the ground, you assume its the tools for fixing the truck.

"You must be Brittany," Sam grins and holds out his hand and Brittany gives it a firm shake.

You really like her hands. You just like the look of them and you wonder what they feel like. You liked it when she touched your hand and arm but you kind of want her to touch you more, you're just not sure where.

"Don't worry I can fix whatever's wrong with your truck" she smiles politely at Sam but he isn't paying attention, he's too busy staring at the shiny red motorbike that belongs to Brittany.

"Woah," Sam breathes in awe. "What make is it?" he asks eagerly to Brittany.

The two of them interacting is weird and uncomfortable for you and you kind of want one of them to leave but you don't know which. For now it seems like the three of you are stuck out here though.

"Ducati Monster 696" Brittany says folding her arms smugly. "She's a babe, right?" she says to Sam but her eyes flicker to you and they're shining with mischief.

You chew your lip and look down, hoping your insides don't squirm and somehow wriggle their way out of your body. You don't know if she's been flirting with you because you don't know how other woman flirt, not really. Brittany's so special you think she's just like this with everyone.

"Hell yeah, I think I already like you Brittany" Sam grins "can I take her for a spin?"

"Sam please," you say, your voice suddenly managing to work. "She doesn't want your filthy paws all over her shiny toy, ok?"

"Mhmm," Brittany hums and her bright blue eyes are twinkling in the night and you're sort of lost in them. "I don't usually let people ride my girlfriend"

Sam snorts.

You on the other hand just about collapse because she's talking to Sam but looking straight at you with a smirk.

"Have you given her a name?" Sam asks laughing.

"Not yet, I want an exotic name for her," Brittany says walking by the truck. "Santana's quite an exotic name, isn't it?" she says lowly and you stare at her as your heart misses a beat. She's got her head bowed and is leaning against the truck door, trailing a slender finger around the ridge of the side mirror, her eyes look up and sparkle at you and you gulp looking away.

"I think I could get used to riding a Santana" she adds and giggles softly and you're sure her eyes are on you but you can't bring yourself to look, your cheeks are burning so much that you might just melt into a puddle right here.

Sam just continues to laugh and you're mad at him for being stupid.

"Tell you what," Brittany says throwing the keys at Sam and he catches them. "You drive back a mile, turn around, come back and I'll have your truck fixed by then"

She says it like it's a certainty. A bet.

You're panicking because you really want to go with Sam, you can't be alone with her; you'll die or something.

"You've got a deal lady" Sam says dopily, already fixing the helmet on his head.

He hops on and revs the engine and he looks like a giant kid in a toy store. The engine roars and he's done a u-turn and is driving off on the empty road the way you both came.

Brittany bends over and grabs the toolbox. You watch the leather material stretch around the shape of her ass. Damn. You gulp. You really should have gone with Sam.

She walks by you without saying anything and flips open the hood of the pickup truck. She whips her hair around and she has the most delightful look on her face.

"Your fiancé is hot" she says airily, like some bypassing comment.

You can't quite believe what you're hearing. You weren't expecting that. Your stomach feels like a giant block of ice as it sinks further down your body. You feel disappointed as your entire body slumps. You're not sure why you're disappointed but it unsettles you nonetheless.

"Yeah…" you sigh and sink to the ground crossing your legs. Maybe you should just let her fix the truck and ignore her for the rest of the weekend, although you're not sure you can do that.

As if sensing your disappointment the blonde turns around and eyes you sitting on the ground. Her eyes go a shade darker as her lids fall just an inch and you gape up at her in awe once again. You think your mouth is open but you're not entirely sure.

Her eyes roam yours, "You're hotter though," she adds, not before chewing her lip, sucking it in and then turning around as if she had to force herself from looking at you.

You gulp and your stomach somehow found it's way back up and now a warm tingly feeling is pooling at the pit of it, like somehow the ice melted.

You think you now know how women flirt with other women.

OK so maybe you are attracted to her because your mouth is practically watering as you watch her bend over the hood and inspect the engine. You're confused as hell because you haven't really liked a woman before, well, you've only ever been with Sam and you kissed that girl in college once and liked it, but then you got with Sam and you've never really had to think about your sexuality. You haven't ever given it a second thought.

Now there's this other blonde in your life and you can do nothing _but _think about it.

"Hey gorgeous?" Brittany calls out like she wants your attention.

You grumble as you stand up, you really wish she'd stop calling you that, then again not really.

"Need help?" you ask as you approach and stand beside her. You can feel the heat emitting from the engine.

"Mhmm," Brittany licks her lips looking down and you can hardly see in this dark. "Can you hold the flashlight?"

You look down and see the unraveled tool pack by the tire; you bend down and grab the flashlight, switch it on and hold it over so she can see what she's doing.

"Much better," she says and you just watch her as she puts on a giant pair of yellow gloves and leans over inspecting the engine.

Your breathing is rapid as hell for some reason and you feel nervous just standing next to her. You hate silence. Brittany's humming a tune to herself completely unaware of how much she's stressing you out.

"Ah," Brittany says, "found your problem" she utters and cups her hand under a large looking tube thing. You have no idea about engines or cars, you just assume she knows what the hell she's talking about. "I need you to do a few things for me"

"Anything"

Her eyes shift from the engine and up to you and for some reason she smiles at your response. "Your radiator hose is blown, can you hand me the self-fusing silicone tape?"

"Uh…I take it this is it?" you say as you grab red tape from the kit, it's the only thing that looks like tape so you figure you can't be wrong.

"Yeah, thanks" she takes it and stretches out some, wrapping it around the broken hose and attaching it to another part you're not quite sure off.

What you are sure of is how impressed you are.

"Do you have bottled water?"

"Why? You thirsty after all that 30 seconds of hard work?" you smirk, mocking her.

"Uhm," she sighs and looks up with a smile, like she's trying to figure out the best way to word whatever's coming next. "It's to cool the radiator with"

The blood drains from your face as you stare and laugh nervously. "Oh, uh yeah sure, wait here"

Idiot.

Wait here? Of course she's fucking going to wait there she can't go anywhere else. You walk toward the passenger side, open the door and take out some bottled water you have stashed there. You come back and hand her the water. She pours it over a certain area and then takes a cloth, smoothing over the pipe she fixed. Or you think she fixed. She throws the cloth down, takes off her gloves and rubs some sweat away from her forehead.

"OK," she sighs, "that's it fixed, but it's just a temporary repair, you should really get the piping replaced, maybe a new battery while you're at it once back in the city."

You turn and smile at her and she cowers away, you've just realized you've shone the torchlight in her face.

"Sorry," you mumble as you switch it off.

Brittany looks at you with amusement and runs a hand through her hair. "I hope you don't mind me fingering under your hood" she smirks at you.

Your jaw drops, as does the torch in your hand and it falls to the ground with a clatter. "Shit," you hiss and bend down to pick it up, "Sorry I'm not usually this clumsy"

The delightful sound of Brittany's giggle floats to your ears and your stomach does that fluttery thing again.

"We should let the radiator and engine cool for a while, but it should be good to go"

"Thanks Brittany," you breathe and it comes out more as a rattle when she's standing smiling at you like this is the most interesting event that's ever happened in her life. You're quite sure it's not.

You watch in silence as she packs away her tools into her bag then sling it back over her shoulder.

You can't be alone with her. You might do something stupid.

"You, OK?" Brittany asks as she falls down and crosses her legs so she's sitting opposite you.

"So, you've met the Evans already?" you ask ignoring her question, desperately wanting to change the subject from whatever Brittany might bring up, or make you bring up.

"Oh yeah," she smiles, "they're awesome and super friendly, the house itself is huge, I've got my own room and everything"

"Yeah," you sigh. You really don't know what else to say, you want to say something that will rid your body of this buzzing feeling whenever she's around but you don't know what to say. "Where did you learn to fix engines? I mean I know it's not your job so…"

Brittany's smile fades a little and she shrugs. "I like to fix things. It's just a hobby"

You notice how her eyes downturn and she looks away, there's probably more to it than that.

"You know," you say quietly, "If I were the counselor and you were the client I'd totally just call you out on that bullshit you just deflected from"

She blinks at you then slowly a shy smile spreads across her face. "I like you Santana," Brittany sighs quietly, her bright blue eyes darting over your features.

You blush and squirm and smile bashfully back. Crap. You want to stop feeling so scared and vulnerable around her, she scares the hell out of you but a large part of you enjoys how it feels. You love how she makes you feel. You must be some sort of fucking masochist or something.

"You think complimenting me will distract me from the bullshit you just told? Nuh uh" you smirk at her.

You'd like to think she could tell you anything like you can tell her anything. Then part of you remembers you've only known her barely a week and she's your counselor, not your friend.

She just sits and grins and you and your stomach is yet again back to doing summersaults. You don't get long to relish in her beautiful smile till it's fading, Brittany's looking over your shoulder.

"Your fiancé is coming back"

"Oh,"

You didn't mean to sound disappointed but Brittany's eyes look at you differently and you gulp realizing she's probably taken a mental note of that for later. It's then you realize nothing much will get by her.

You're still scared shitless.

Both of you stand as Sam comes whizzing back on the bike toward you, bringing it slowly to a standstill by the truck.

"Woo!" he yells, his voice echoing around the night. "That was awesome, she's so fast!"

Brittany laughs a little but it's a different type of laugh than the one she has around you. Your heart beats in pride for some reason.

"It's fixed temporarily but you need new piping and probably a new radiator and battery too" Brittany says as Sam hands her the helmet and keys to her bike.

"Hey, thanks a lot, I'll pay you-" Sam begins.

"No," Brittany says cutting him off suddenly and holds up a hand. "Free of charge, I insist, please"

You're kind of just standing here smiling dopily at her. You need to find out something bad about her, you kind of want to make her angry just to prove to yourself that she isn't this damn perfect all the time.

"Well," Brittany sighs placing the helmet on her head and positioning herself on the bike.

OK. She is so damn hot. You admit it.

"If you want Santana, I can give you a ride back? There's enough for two on this thing"

Your stomach flips and you clench it to stop because you need to think.

"Hey! No fair, why not me?" Sam laughs as he get's into the truck and rolls down the window. He starts the engine back up and it works perfectly, the headlights flickering on.

"You've already had a shot, Santana here hasn't" she smirks from Sam and then her eyes land on you. "Besides, it's a 20 minute drive, on this baby? Just 10"

Even though the helmet mostly hides her face and it's dark you can still see how bright her eyes are. You somehow manage to put one foot in front of the other and walk up to the bike; you shift yourself so your back is to Sam who's watching you out the window.

"Come with me," Brittany says, her voice muffled by the helmet.

"I…I can't…" you say shakily and suddenly you're looking at each other and it feels like you're both talking about something much more than a bike ride.

"Why?" she asks softly, her eyes bearing into your own and again you feel like she's reading your mind. She still scares you.

"I'm scared," you whisper. It's amazing but scary how quickly she can extract the truth from you.

"There's nothing to be scared of," she says back just as quietly, her eyes softening. "You can hold on tight to my waist, I'll even let you wear the helmet?"

You sigh as your body naturally leans in toward the bike and closer to her. "I'd like to but I can't, I need to go with Sam"

Brittany sighs back and her eyes look disappointed again and you hate that look so much that you flinch and turn away from her.

"I'll see you there" you call out over your shoulder and walk back quickly toward the truck before she can say anything.

By the time you've shut the truck door at your side she's already zoomed off at such a fast speed in front of you both. If you were your normal self you would have went with her, if she were anyone else you would have went with her, you're desperate to get to bed and that bike gets you there faster but you stick with what you know – the slow option, the Sam option, the safe option.

"Why didn't you go? It's fun" Sam asks after you manage to get back on the road.

You shrug a little and lean against the window looking out into darkness. "I was scared of falling"

"Falling off the bike? Ha" Sam laughs a little but says nothing more.

You sigh miserably. That wasn't quite the falling you were thinking of.

You eventually both arrive there and drive straight up by the fields to the house. You sigh in relief just wanting to get to bed, even though you're hungry. Sam takes your hand as you both walk up and enter the large farmhouse. It's very much a stereotypical country house, it's exterior is wooden and inside there are large wooden beams on the ceiling and stone floors. It's large but cozy and you always think of this place as your home away from home.

Mrs. Evans is in the kitchen stirring soup in a large pot. "Hey y'all, come on in" she calls over her shoulder.

Sam lets go of you and goes over to her kissing her on the cheek. "Hey ma, smells good"

He comes back to you stretching, "Hey I'll go get the suitcases and take them to our room"

"Thanks" you say gratefully and give him a peck on the cheek.

You sit down at the large wooden dining table in the kitchen.

"You hungry?" Mrs. Evans asks.

"Starved" you give a hollow laugh.

"Good, ma homemade vegetable soup'll be ready in a tick" she says, her strong southern accent coming through.

"Thanks," you sigh in relief, maybe you do have time to eat something before hitting the hay. "Where is everyone?" you ask looking around, the clock in the hallway catches your eye and it's 10:45pm.

"My husband and good for nothin' son are slacking off in town, probably in the bar, Robert has moved away, he's applied for a scholarship in Ohio"

Robert was Sam's younger brother. "Wow, that's great Sam never told me"

"And Brittany is-"

"Here" comes a friendly voice from the hallway and in walks Brittany to the kitchen. She's got on a tank top and aqua blue short pajamas with ducks on them. What was it with the ducks?

The biggest grin is on your face as you eye her. She's so damn adorable yet you think she's sexy too. You gulp and look up to meet blue eyes that seem to always twinkle at you.

She's also smirking at you as if you said those thoughts out loud.

"Ah, there's my life saver" Mrs. Evan says as she lays out two large bowls and dishes the soup out into them.

Brittany laughs softly.

"You sure you want to invest in this place?" Mrs. Evans asks like she still can't believe her luck.

You can sympathize; Brittany somehow gives you that feeling too.

"For the millionth time yes," Brittany laughs a little and sits down opposite you. "But before I sign the dotted line I need to spend tomorrow looking about the house and the search the acres of land. Just need to make sure that there's no issues with the crop or any safety issues"

"Sure honey, you take all the time you need" Mrs. Evans says laying out bowls of soup in front of you and Brittany and placing slices of bread in the middle between you. "Well goodnight darlin's, tell Sam goodnight too Santana, I'll see you folks in the morning" Mrs. Evans says as she trots through to the hall and upstairs.

"Good night" you and Brittany say in unison.

Sam comes in a moment later with both your suitcases.

"Hey, your mom made soup, you want some?"

"No," he grumbles lifting the suitcases and dragging them across to the hallway. "I'm too tired after all that driving, I'm going to bed, see you in the morning babe" he winks at you. "It was nice to meet you Brittany," he adds smiling before heading upstairs.

It's just you and Brittany and there's a strange silence as you both eat your soup, the spoons clanking against the bowls. She puts down her spoon and smiles at you, and you have to say something to distract yourself from doing something stupid. Like maybe throwing yourself across the table and just hugging her or telling her how pretty you think she is or how much you love her laugh.

Just on cue Brittany giggles that same giggle she has exclusively for you and you jump a little shocked because yet again her timing with your thoughts is impeccable. Your stomach flutters yet again and you kind of wish she'd stop laughing like that, she tickles your insides like nobody has managed to before.

"What?" you smile at her and you feel your face warming up that has nothing to do with the soup.

"Mhmm nothing," she smiles coyly and bows her head then chews on her bottom lip a little, still looking up at you with that twinkle in her eye.

Your heart's beating like crazy and you really need to get away from her.

"So…uh…t-tomorrow you said you're going to look around? How do you know what to look for? I mean, do you know what you're doing?" you stutter out hoping to distract her with idle conversation.

She tilts her head to the side as if she's considering telling you something truthful or not, "I grew up on a farm, I know what's what," she says with a shrug.

Your eyebrows shoot up. Yet again she somehow manages to surprise you.

"But you're right, I don't know my way around, I could use a tour guide" she says and she's looking at you expectantly.

"Well Sam knows his way around best, he grew up here-"

"I'd rather you show me around" Brittany interjects quietly and innocently starts eating her soup again.

Your heart is thudding so hard you feel like it might burst right out of your skin and flop its way disgustingly into your bowl of soup. You really hope she can't hear it.

"Uh…yeah…well…maybe…it would be best if me and Sam show you around"

"OK, whatever" Brittany shrugs and it's possibly the first time you've ever seen her look cold. It's very subtle and slight, but you can tell she's shrugging you off. "If having Sam around makes you feel more comfortable," she says casually.

You frown, "hold up, what the hell is that suppose to mean?" you ask annoyed.

She doesn't seem the least bit surprised by your reaction, she just shrugs calmly again, "I thought maybe you'd be uncomfortable, seeing as I'm…" she trails and her eyes glaze over your own.

She leaves her sentence unfinished in the air and your heart it still thudding and you're mad at her because you think she's making you feel this way on purpose. Like she loves to watch you suffer and squirm.

There's still a silence and she's just sitting looking at you.

You almost want to do something crazy just to get rid of the anticipation or break the tension.

"You're…?" you manage to breathe out quietly.

Her eyes fall to the side like she's pondering her next words. "Your counselor" she says eventually, and smiles a small smile that is nothing more than a polite one.

You know that's not what she was originally going to say.

"Bullshit" you mumble yet again and you don't dare to look up at her for her response, you shove a few more spoonful's of soup down your throat and get up quickly. "I'm going to bed, good night Brittany"

You make a break for it and you almost run all the way upstairs just to get away from her and how she makes you feel. You slip into your pajamas carefully because Sam is sleeping and he's snoring.

Your sleep hasn't been great lately but you lie there with nothing but Brittany in your thoughts. She scares you and excites you and you love but hate you she makes you feel. You long to be around her then when you are, you long to get away again just to recuperate. She's frankly exhausting you. You eventually fall asleep thinking how perfect and pretty she always is and you want to know what it was like for her growing up in a farm, you want to know her favourite color, you want to know why she likes ducks so much and you want to know why she fixes stuff.

Mrs. Evans the following morning has made you a fry, complete with black pudding, eggs and bacon. It's not the healthiest of meals but fuck it, coming here always feels like a mini holiday so you'll eat whatever the hell you want.

"Where's Sam?" you ask sitting down at the table you were at last night.

You woke up this morning and he wasn't there.

"He's away to collect my husband and Teddy," she snarls disapprovingly. "They got drunk and stayed at that bar all night"

You try hard not to laugh.

"Can you do me a favour?" Mrs. Evans comes closer to you and looks around like she doesn't want to be overheard.

"Yeah, sure" you say with curiosity.

"I've been trying to keep an eye on that Brittany woman" she whispers to you, "can you go check on her and see what she's doing? Last time I looked she was out by the chicken coup" she says and pats your shoulder.

You don't know what it is exactly she wants you to do, spy on her? You're not complaining though, you get to see Brittany. You put sunglasses on as it's sunny outside and you still feel half fucking asleep. You step out onto the porch and bask for a minute in the glorious sunshine. You walk around to the side of the house and toward the chicken coup.

It's then you see her.

You even take off your sunglasses to get a better look.

Brittany's standing by the coup, axe in hand, and chopping pieces of wood over the chopping log. You can see the concentration in her face, but it's only for a second as the rest of her distracts you completely. She's wearing dark blue overalls that are far too big for her so there are big gaps running down the sides and you just stop and stare at her from behind. You can see the side of her perfect abs again and you see the beads of sweat running down her ribcage, you follow them till small perky breasts distract you. You can see a flash of the pink flesh of her nipple and you make a sound although you're not sure what. It's something between a moan and a sigh. She's not wearing a bra. You watch as she somehow, gracefully brings down the axe and chops the piece of wood perfectly in two. Your stomach grows warm and your hands twitch at the sight of her sweating and panting in the glaring sun, her muscles retracting and her biceps enlarging then receding as the axe goes down. She has the most beautiful figure you've ever seen. You think your mouth has gone dry.

"Uh…Brittany?" your voice comes out small and husky. Your face is burning as you feel a funny tingly feeling trickle down your insides and burning low in your stomach.

She is so sexy.

"Yeah?" she calls out and turns around. She raises one hand to shield her eyes from the sun and leans the axe casually on her shoulder with the other. You watch her skin glisten in the sun and it draws you in closer, your body seems to move of it's own accord as you walk close to her. You kind of just want to run your hand along her collarbone and feel her biceps and for those hands just to touch you.

You shake your head hardly believing your own thoughts right now. Shit.

"Uh…" you stutter and you feel yourself burning up more now that you're closer.

Those blue eyes are looking at you curiously.

"I can see your uhm…at the side…ok there's side boob going on" you say laughing nervously and pointing at the side of her overalls.

She looks down to where you're pointing. "Oh," she says like it isn't a big deal and she actually shrugs. She goes back to grabbing another piece of wood and placing it on the log, and again your eyes flicker down to look at her body from the opening.

"That looks hard" you say absent-mindedly, just standing here like an idiot gawking at her.

She giggles and your stomach flutters again.

"You wanna try?" she smirks at you, swirling the axe in one hand.

Sometimes she's so fucking cocky you want to slap her. You look at her sweating face and her panting parted mouth and you then think maybe you don't want to slap her but kiss her instead.

"I can show you what to do," she says lowly and her eyes are piercing right through you, they somehow look darker.

"It can't be that hard" you say folding your arms, smirking at her.

You think you're flirting with her but you're not sure.

She says nothing but smirks back at you and hands out the axe like a challenge. You take it as Brittany stands back out of the way.

"You have to cut it perfectly down the middle in two, otherwise it's useless" she says from behind you.

"Fine," you say and you grab the axe, bring it up just above your head and bring it down with your eyes shut.

Whack.

You grumble as you open your eyes and realize it didn't cut in the middle but it was skewed off to the side, furthermore it didn't cut all the way down and now the axe was wedged in the piece of wood.

You hear Brittany's giggle float by you as she strolls by and takes the axe out of the piece of wood. You stare at her because that looked pretty stuck in there and you're fascinated by her physical strength. She grabs another piece from the side and puts it on the log.

"Here, I'll show you" she says quietly.

Before you know it she's behind you and bringing her arms around your front. You stiffen as the heat and moisture from her body travels to your own. She smells like lemon, sweat and freshly cut grass and it's sort of intoxicating. She presses further into you from behind and you feel her breasts up against your back and her hair is tickling your shoulder and her mouth is by your ear.

"Take the axe," she whispers into your ear, her breath ghosting your skin it sends goosebumps down your side.

Fuck.

You close your eyes as you grab the end of the axe with both hands and you're practically swooning. She's invading all your senses and your body is just buzzing, you want to run away but your body doesn't want to. It's leaning back into Brittany like it needs the contact.

Brittany with her arms around you clasps her strong, clammy hands over your own and secures the grip you have on the axe.

"Yeah, just like that, nice and tight" she breathes into your ear.

"Ugh…" you let out a shaky sigh as the words seep into your ears and delightfully slide down into your stomach, exciting it, then dropping further down to burn between your legs.

"Now, bring it up" she says she guides both your hands up.

You just do what she says because your mind is blank and your body is thrumming next to hers and you blink profusely because you can't think, it's too hot. She's too hot.

Your heart is beating wildly against your ribcage and it's echoing between your legs. You have no idea what's going on.

"Bend your knees a little and don't shut your eyes," she says in your ear and you both bring the axe down, somehow more precisely than before.

You're going to fucking melt. She's actually going to kill you.

Whack.

You look down and the piece of wood is perfectly in two.

Your body is still shaking like a leaf leaning into hers and you suddenly let go of the axe and stumble away from her.

She looks at you shocked and confused.

"I…" you say and you're breathing heavy, the beating in your heart and between your thighs are exceeding and you feel like you need to go jump in a river.

"Did I do something wrong?" Brittany asks quietly. There is worry in her eyes and you swear she's pouting. She just switched from sexiest woman ever to cute and adorable and you can't fucking take this.

You can't deal with her.

"I…I need to go" you stutter and you trip over some stray stones.

"Are you OK?" she calls after you.

"Need to go" you say back at her and you run back toward the house.

You burst into the kitchen and go whizzing by Mrs. Evans.

"Santana? What's wrong? Where are you going?"

You feel tears sting the back of your eyes as your entire body feels like jelly.

"In for a very cold shower" you shout back running up stairs as fast as you can and locking yourself in the toilet.

You're still panting.

You may like it, but you can't deal with how she makes you feel.

You need to get away from her.


	4. Hide And Seek

**Chapter 4 – Hide and Seek**

You feel renewed after getting a shower and into clean clothes. Your heart has stopped pounding the blood throughout your body at an unusually fast rate and your mind is clear of Brittany, well, about as clear of Brittany as you can get. You can't stay in here forever though. You've put on a simple t-shirt and jean shorts; you guess you'll be safe if you sunbathe out on the porch. Nothing will happen then right?

You walk back out and the sun is further up in the sky, it's kind of at a perfect angle bearing down onto the chair just outside the kitchen window. You take a chance and peek around the edge of the house toward the chopping block. It's empty, only the axe is left wedged on the stump. You sigh in relief and sit down on the chair. Brittany was probably away checking the rest of the land, and this place is huge so you think you're safe. For now.

You've been sunbathing for about 30 minutes when Sam drives up in his truck. You sit up and watch as his grey-haired, small father come out along with Ted.

"You both look like shit" you smirk at them as they all walk up onto the porch.

"Stop yellin'!" Mr. Evans grumbles at you.

You just laugh because he's usually a grumpy old man anyway but he seems even more so now.

"They have hangovers" Sam says and gives you a faux sympathetic look.

"Would have never have guessed" you say rolling your eyes. You don't know how Mrs. Evans copes with a family full of immature boys, and that's including the elderly Mr. Evans. Were you looking into your future here? Were you and Sam maybe going to have kids one day and you'll be stuck in the kitchen doing all the work as they goof off?

You shift in your seat uncomfortably.

Mr. Evans hobbles inside.

"Woah…who is _that_?" Ted asks as he nods out toward the distance.

You stand up and see Brittany walking over the fields toward the house. She's wearing what she was before and your stomach clenches for several reasons. Here's the thing about the Evans family boys, they don't hide their attractions, at all.

"Brittany, Santana's counselor, she's also the buyer of this place" Sam says.

Ted frowns and gives you a weird look.

He's a good for nothing southern farm boy and you're a successful woman in the city, yet, you're the one who's feeling embarrassed right now.

"Damn, she is so fucking hot, I think it's about time she said hello to the Teddy" he smirks and is running off before you can stop him.

Fuck.

You feel kind of sick. You don't want him meeting her or talking to her or touching her. If _you _noticed Brittany's lack of bra and her sweaty body and…

_He _certainly will.

"Tell him to back off, Sam," you say warningly.

Sam just chuckles, "That's Teddy for ya," he shrugs.

"No I mean it," you snap at him, "she's my counselor OK? And it's just freakin' weird, I don't want her mixed up in family matters OK?"

Sam looks at you and can tell you're serious. "OK San, relax, I'll make sure nothing happens between them, I'll tell him when he comes back to keep it in his pants"

You feel even sicker at that thought. "OK," you say as your breathing settles down a little in relief. "Thank you" you say and lean up and kiss his cheek lightly.

You don't know why but you were hoping Brittany had seen.

The spinning feeling of nausea quickly comes back though as Ted and Brittany are nearer and you hear her giggle. Your stomach plummets to new depths and you feel stupid and kind of feeling like crying. Then you feel stupid for feeling like crying. You thought that giggle was only for you, it's the one that normally causes your stomach to flutter but now you think it's just killed it. You hate feeling like this. What is _wrong_ with you?

Ted and Brittany both reach the porch and stop.

"Well it is sure lovely to see a pretty face up here for a change" Ted smirks at Brittany and she giggles that fucking giggle again.

"Oh, I don't know about that" Brittany says softly and bows her head. "Santana's here right?"

Your head shoots up and she's smiling at you. Your face burns red and you hope you can blame it on sunburn or something. You instinctively clutch Sam's arm.

"Ah, but she's taken by my very own bro, unless…don't tell me your pretty face is taken too?" Teddy asks and touches her arm and it makes you angry.

Your anger disperses though when your heart stops and you watch her. You've been wondering that yourself. She's looking right at you and your grip on Sam's arm tightens, you almost want to cower away from her behind him.

"No, I'm not taken" Brittany smiles politely.

"Uh, Ted?" Sam interrupts, "Can I talk to you for a sec?" he asks, pointing a thumb over his shoulder toward the house.

Ted looks confused but then flashes a grin at Brittany "I'll see _you _later then"

Sam shoots you a look before entering the house with Ted and you trust him to convince him to back off.

Crap.

It's only now you realize by asking Sam to talk to Ted, it's left you out here alone with Brittany.

"Are you OK?"

You look up and Brittany's stepped up the first step onto the porch closer to you. Her skin is still shining and her hair looks windswept, you want to run your hands through it. You don't know if it's because of the sun but you suddenly notice the little freckles on her face and she looks beautiful. She kind of takes your breath away.

"Uh…yeah…I'm OK now," you say uncertainly.

Are you though?

"Are you mad at me?" Brittany asks and you look at her face as she adorably scrunches up her nose and looks at you like a fucking puppy.

Yes. You are mad at her. You think she's being unprofessional and you want her to stop, no you _need _her to stop.

"N-no" you lie anyway, now's not really the time to call her out on it.

"Uh huh," she says slowly and gives you a look that tells you she doesn't believe you. "Oh well, I'm away to run a bath and get changed"

"Yeah? Planning on going somewhere?" you ask, trying to remain civil at least.

"Oh no, I still need to scour the rest of the place. I was just checking the animals; they all seem relatively healthy and good for produce. I need to check the crop and the rest of the land then take notes."

"OK" you nod and rub your hands up and down your thighs.

She always makes you so damn nervous.

"So if you need company, I'll be around," she says as she brushes by you and goes into the house.

You let out a breath and try and get your brain and body to function again.

Later on in the evening you're on Sam's lap in the living room, him and Ted are chatting and you're just sitting staring at the fireplace glowing amber and crackling pieces of wood.

Brittany walks in and you kind of suppress a laugh.

She's changed from one pair of overalls to another, they are the exact same as the last except a lighter shade of blue. Brittany seems to ignore the free seats, and you're happy to notice the one next to Ted, and settles in front of the fire instead. You're eyes flicker to the gap at the side again and this time she has on a white bra. You wonder if she put one on for your sake. Again almost as if by magic her eyes shift to the side and she's smirks a little at you. You find yourself blushing and the edges of your lips twitching back in response. Sam and Ted are talking about football or something and you're just sitting here, on your future husbands lap thinking about how beautiful those eyes are of Brittany's. You see the warm red glow reflection of the fire and it mixes with blue creating the most wonderful oxymoron you've ever seen.

"Are you laughing at me?" Brittany asks in a playful tone.

It's only now you realize her hands are busy at work tying her bootlaces together. You wonder where she's going.

Her eyes are still at the side looking at you.

You smirk back, "A little," you shrug a shoulder bashfully. "I thought you were changing"

Brittany looks down at her clothes and shifts around on the floor to face you. "I did," she says simply.

You laugh a little, "Not much different from before"

She smiles back and her eyes are shining at you. "They're my farming clothes, not much point wearing regular clothes around here"

You snort because you've seen Brittany's "regular" clothes and they are anything but.

She cocks her head to the side, "You're laughing at me again, aren't you?"

"Only in a good way" you sigh and the both of you just smile at each other.

Ted ruins your little moment as you just notice him and Sam have stopped talking, you don't remember anything else that happened since Brittany came in the room.

"They're a bit big for you are they not, you need to wear somethin' much _tighter_" Ted says wiggling his eyebrows at the blonde.

Brittany's smile fades and she frowns a little. "They're my dad's"

Your stomach flips because you're so happy she's being short with Ted, yet on the other hand you're kind of intrigued. You want to ask her so much more.

"Well, I think they're cool" Sam says and lifts a thumb up at Brittany.

"Thanks, aren't they awesome?" she smiles and looks down at her self, tugging the straps of her overalls.

You giggle because nobody should be allowed to be that cute.

"I think the four of us should do something fun, don't you folks?" Ted says, but he's smirking at Brittany and you really hope Sam made it clear earlier.

You know exactly what fun he wants to have and you don't like it.

It's because she's your counselor right? Yeah. That's it, there's really no other reason, OK you find her attractive but it's just a phase or something, it will pass and you'll just laugh about this later on. You love Sam after all.

"Yeah," Brittany's eyes widen and she thumps her feet on the floor, "we should totally play hide and seek, right?"

You slide off Sam's lap and laugh. Sam and Ted also laugh and Brittany just looks confused. You hope they're not laughing _at_ her, you're just laughing because she literally can't be cuter. Brittany's like a young child trapped in a wise young woman's body and you really haven't met anyone like her before.

"What's so funny?" Brittany asks with a shy smile. "I mean you have a big house and this huge land, and you've never played hide and seek?"

"I'm up for it" Ted smirks.

You roll your eyes because he's only going along with it in to get into her pants.

"Although," Brittany adds and raises her hand like she's in class.

She needs to stop being so fucking cute.

"I cant be it because I don't know this place well enough and I'll be really easy to find"

"I'll go it," Sam says sighing and standing up. "We need to make rules or something though, right?"

"Yeah," you say nodding and you have the excitement of a child tickling your stomach. This was actually a pretty cool idea.

"For example, no hiding in the woods annnnddd," Brittany says standing up and swirling on the spot a little, "Only within the perimeter of the land"

"Easy," Sam shrugs, "I grew up in this place, I know it like the back of my hand, I'll find you all in like five minutes"

"You're on bro," Ted says standing up and he goes to Brittany and takes her hand.

"C'mon we better get a head start" he smiles at her and she giggles back.

Fuck everything. Sam clearly wasn't clear enough when he said back off.

"You should probably count to 247" Brittany says to Sam.

You snort.

"Why that specific number?" Sam asks chortling.

"Cause it's as good a number as any" Brittany says like it should be obvious.

Seriously. You kind of want to do things to her to show her how cute you think she is. Like maybe hug her or something. Or just hold a mirror up to her.

Sam turns around toward the wall, leans his arm against it and buries his face down.

"1…2…3…"

Brittany and Ted are already running away and you hear the front door slam shut.

Fuck.

"Are we seriously, as _adults_, playing hide and seek?" you ask crossing your arms suddenly not in the mood to play.

"8…yes…9….10"

You roll your eyes and walk out, fuck it you aren't running anywhere. You step out onto the porch and are instantly cold, there's a chilly wind and the sky is almost dark blue, you can see the moon in the distance. Ok so this is kind of creepy, playing hide and seek at night. You were considering breaking Brittany's rule and going into the woods because now that you're thinking about it there aren't that many places to hide. None that is obvious to you anyway. You walk forward by the fields and look into the oak tree farm. There's no way you're going in there now, it looks creepy as fuck and besides it's against the rules.

You don't really have the heart to break Brittany's rules.

You wonder where her and Ted went because you're looking around and you can't even see them in the distance. You suppose they've gone around the back of the house and down to the cornfields below, but you reckon that's a pretty obvious place to hide. You suddenly worry that Brittany will get lost because that cornfield goes on forever, besides Ted would probably do something stupid and sneak up on her.

Your heart sinks.

You don't want to think about what Ted would try to do to Brittany in the dark, and she'll probably just giggle back.

Fuck her, she can have him.

Feeling like you need to clear your head you walk on until you come to one of the barns, you know this one is empty and it's just where the Evans keep the hay supply stacks. You sigh thinking it's as good a place as any. Besides you're freezing your tits out here.

You walk in and see the hay on the bottom floor is stacked neatly up in square bundles. There is a wooden ladder that leads to the loft area above and from here you can see there's nothing but hay up there so you climb it carefully. Once you reach the top there's nothing but strewn piles of straw and hay everywhere, you can hardly see the floor. You smile thinking it's pretty perfect actually. You gather some up from the floor and walk carefully to the far corner. The floor is made of wood and you tread lightly because you get the feeling it can hardly hold your body weight. You shove the pile in front of you and you just lie down on the hay behind it, your body obscured from view. You actually have a decent view of the door from here too.

You sigh and close your eyes. Hay is unusually comfy. You figure if you lie on your back you'll fall asleep though so you make a little pillow of hay and shift so you're on your side and watch the door.

You shut your eyes again.

Your eyes shoot open though when you think you hear some footsteps along the gravel path outside, but it could have been the wind.

Suddenly you hear a pile of hay shift from behind you and you jump out of your skin.

"What the fuck-"

Your mouth is clasped shut by a hand covering your own and a figure comes shuffling against your back. The persons other hand wraps around your waist and presses you further into them.

Your hearts already beating wildly in your chest because you know exactly who it is. Only she can make your skin burn and your blood course through your veins like this.

The small breast once again against your back just confirms it.

"Shh," Brittany coos into your ear and her breath glides down your neck.

Her whole body is flush against yours and you suddenly can't really feel your legs and your mouth is on fire with her soft hand covering it firmly.

"You'll give away our hiding place" she whispers then giggles a little in your ear.

You have goosebumps all down one side of your body.

You wonder where the fuck she came from or what makes her think she can do this to you yet again but you suddenly realize that she's right because Sam comes walking in. You knew you heard someone outside.

Your hearts beating so loud you swear you can feel it reverberate against Brittany's warm body behind you.

You're conflicted.

The scariest thought right now is that Sam will catch you, not because you don't want to lose the game, but because you suddenly realize you really like Brittany being this close to you.

You actually really like how your lips feel mashed up against her palm.

There's a familiar tingle between your legs when her warm breath hits the back of your neck and you think you're going to pass out. You let out a whimper against her palm, and you swear you hear and feel the most miniscule of laughs from behind you.

You hear Sam walking downstairs, you can tell he's trying to sneak but you know he's too clumsy to sneak.

You hear thudding and for a moment you genuinely think it's your heart, but then you realize it's Sam coming up the ladders. You try to remain rigid and still and you see him out the corner of your eye. He seems to have stopped at the top of the ladder and is now scanning around.

About a minute passes in utter silence but you feel like it's been hours.

Your body stiffens and then shudders when you feel the tip of Brittany's nose graze along your earlobe.

As if sensing your reaction Brittany presses her hand more harshly against your mouth and your eyes roll to the back of your head.

Fuck. You need to admit it. You don't know what it means but you need to admit it. She turns you on so easily in a way that Sam never has, or you feel ever could.

The feeling will pass though, right?

Sam seems convinced nobody is here and climbs down the ladder again. You see him walk out the barn and hear his footsteps move further away. You feel your body relax into Brittany's and you feel so bad for wanting to stay like this.

Then reality hits you.

You're getting married to Sam and she's a woman, your counselor of all people. None of this is right.

You wrap your hand around her wrist and force her hand away once you're certain Sam's no longer in earshot.

You gasp for breath as you crawl on all fours and shuffle the hell away from her. You turn around still panting.

Brittany's sitting smiling serenely at you, and you wonder how the hell she can be so calm about everything.

"Y-y-y-ou're being unprofessional," you stutter out suddenly.

Her blonde eyebrows shoot up and she looks confused.

"You keep saying things to me and looking at me and touching me and I can't take it OK? I think you're overstepping boundaries and besides I'm not…I'm not…"

You suddenly can't finish a sentence.

"Santana? What's wrong?" Brittany has a concerned burrowed frown on her face and she shifts closer to you and she's reaching out a hand to place on your knee.

That's the last fucking thing you need right now.

You do the first thing that comes instinctively and swat her arm away harshly.

"J-just don't touch me!"

She stares at you in shock and you're kind of in shock as well because you practically pushed her with the weight of your resistance.

"Did you just hit me?" Brittany asks and her voice is small and uncertain, but she looks pissed off.

"I didn't mean to I-"

You're cut off when her boot kicks your shoe with a harsh thud.

Your mouth drops open. She just kicked you.

"Did you just fucking kick me?" you frown, feeling your temperature rise for a completely different reason.

"Yeah well," she shrugs, "you hit me first"

Before you can process anything your body seems to work in autopilot and you scoot forward and slap the side of her arm.

She opens her mouth in shock and she kicks your other shoe.

"Are you fucking kidding?" You spit in rage. "This is ridiculous, I could have your fucking license you unprofessional fool. I'll sue your ass or something"

Brittany then laughs. Actually laughs at you. She places a hand over her heart and throws her head back and laughs some more. "Oh yeah? What would the basis of that be?"

"You, you're unprofessional, you touch me and…and…look at me"

You suddenly can't put into words what exactly she's done that's been unprofessional, and then panic seeps in as you think maybe this has all been in your head. You didn't make all this up, right?

"OK, so you're suing me for touching you, talking to you and looking at you" she repeats and you suddenly realize how stupid you sound. "Yeah, good luck with that" she adds dryly and to add insult to injury she reaches forward and pats you on the shoulder mockingly.

You suddenly see red and without thinking about anything you lunge at her.

Your body has gone full force into hers that she flies backwards and her back hits the floor of hay. You grab her by the straps of her overalls and try flinging her to the side but she grabs you and takes you with her.

You're both suddenly rolling about on top of one another and hitting each other randomly in the hay. You feel hay cling all over you as colors and limbs are whizzing by your vision and you finally manage to trip her and catch her. It's not until you stop to catch your breath that you realize you're sitting on top of Brittany and have her wrists pinned down with both your hands.

You suddenly lose your breath again when you look down and Brittany's darker than usual and hooded blue eyes are looking wantonly back up at you. You gulp and look down and her chest is rising and falling really fast and you feel your own do the same.

"What are we doing?" you gasp, completely confused and out of breath.

Her eyes fall from your eyes and roam somewhere below your neck, "I have no idea" she says and her voice sounds strangled and husky.

You realize you're perched on top of her thighs and the tingly sensation is back. You swear you feel friction between your clothed sex and her hips even though you're both not moving, just breathing heavily at one another. You look down at her and, unbelievably a smile twitches your lips.

Forgetting the confusion and everything else, you kind of feel like laughing at how stupid you both are.

She seems to sense your shift in mood and also smirks up at you, her eyes lightening, "Well," she says as she puffs a stray bit of hay and hair away from her face, "_that_ escalated quickly"

You let go of her wrist and collapse down on top of her and you both suddenly burst out laughing. She's genuinely laughing like she can't stop and so are you, you clutch at your stomach and roll off her onto your back beside her. Your stomach is beginning to ache from laughing so much.

Brittany's laughter is the first to die down and yours eventually follows. You both lay there in silence, broken only by Brittany's occasional giggles.

You both lie there for longer and you're oddly comfortable out here, sitting in the silence. Normally you hate silence but it feels OK around her.

You clear your throat eventually; "Well" you sigh as you try pick all the pieces of hay that's trapped in your hair "I haven't been in a fight since high school" you smile at the ceiling.

Brittany giggles and your stomach is back to fluttering.

"I haven't been in a fight…ever," she says.

"Ever?" you ask surprised.

"Ever," she repeats and you can hear the smile in her voice. "You broke my fight virginity"

You feel your cheeks burn and laugh a little.

You love the way she makes you feel.

"Can I make something clear Santana?" she asks and there's a little uncertainty in her voice.

You gulp then nod but realize she can't see you, "yes," you croak out dreading what's coming even though you have no idea but your stomach is flipping around inside your body anyway.

"I'm your counselor inside room 47, outside that room? I'm just your friend"

"Y-you want to be my friend?" you ask taken aback. You weren't expecting that. You don't have many friends, and you don't think you've ever actually been asked or assumed to be a friend.

"Yes," Brittany says quietly. "But we have a lot to talk about"

You smirk thinking that's an understatement. "Inside room 47 or outside?"

She's silent for a moment before she answers "Both, but I think it's important we concentrate on your counseling, so you should remember to do your homework for Tuesday, we have a lot to work through"

You gulp not knowing whether you are looking forward to it or dreading it.

You know one thing though - you have a new friend.

And you love how that friend makes you feel.


	5. You're Like A Lizard

**Chapter 5 – You're like a lizard**

You hate Mondays. No amount of coffee or positive thinking changes how you feel on Mondays. You hate your job, but especially on Mondays. Only half the day has crawled by but to you it feels like it's already the end of the day. You fucking wish. All morning you've been randomly smiling to yourself thinking about the weekend though. It was fun, it was hard being around Brittany because frankly you don't know how you feel about her, or you do you just don't want to vocalize or think about it, like ever. You're in Starbucks with Quinn at lunchtime as per usual. You look across to her and wonder why you're constantly comparing your relationship with Brittany to your one with Sam. Why not Quinn? Comparing Brittany to Quinn would be far more appropriate, since they're now both your friends.

Brittany doesn't feel like just a friend though.

You're also pretty sure that you've never wanted to touch Quinn, or talk to her for hours on end about herself or maybe even kiss her.

You sigh miserably; you don't even see Brittany today to cheer you up. Well technically she would scare the crap out of you, make you laugh, make you want to cry _then _after it you'd still feel a little happier. Whatever.

"What is wrong with you, you're so grumpy…I mean…more than usual," Quinn says to you with a shrug and folds up her newspaper.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You're not pregnant are you?" Quinn asks seriously.

"No," you snort.

"Oh that's right, you and Sam don't have much sex these days do you?" Quinn says sassily and drinks her tea nonchalantly.

"What the actual fuck Fabray" you frown at her, "that's none of your god damn business, I'm just tired and feeling down lately, remember?"

"Daww," Quinn coos mockingly. "So, what's up?"

That's the thing about Quinn, you feel like pouring your soul out to her then slapping her. Sometimes you do both.

"Was Brittany ever," you pause and ponder how to put it, "inappropriate with you?"

Quinn laughs softly. "Depends what you mean," she says and leans forward, clasping both hands in front of her on the table. "Her methods for making me forget about Puck's death were…strange…but they worked so I was thankful"

"What did she do?" you ask quickly. You can't imagine Brittany being the way she is with you with Quinn too. You hate to admit it but you want to be the only one Brittany looks at like the way she does, you want to be the only one she touches, it makes you feel special. Like you've been singled out to be worthy of such attention.

"I can't tell you that," Quinn says lowering her voice. "Plus, you'd just laugh so" she says and looks away.

"Aw, c'mon tell me" you smirk and plead to her. "I promise I won't laugh, well I can't actually promise that but _c'mon _Quinn please?"

You try pouting at her.

She rolls your eyes at your effort but clears her throat.

"One time she asked me to bring in some of Puck's old clothes, like a full outfit?"

You nod listening eagerly.

"Well," Quinn continues and laughs a little, "Little did I know that she wanted them because she dressed up as Puck, even had a Mohawk wig and everything"

You clasp your hand to your mouth and laugh. "You're fucking kidding me, right? Why on earth would she do that? I mean I know she's crazy but-"

"She spoke to me as Puck…well…kind of. Part of the reason I felt guilty over Puck is that we argued before he left that day and I never got the chance to say sorry, I never even got the chance to say goodbye. So she sat, as Puck, and told me to say out loud everything I ever wanted to say to Puck. As bizarre as it was, it was incredibly therapeutic, still to this day I've never felt such relief in all my life."

You stare at Quinn open-mouthed.

"So…it made you feel better?" you ask, not quite believing that the woman in front of you, who was all serious business, would fall for such a basic ploy.

"Oh yes," she nods with certainty and goes back to drinking her tea. "So what is it she's doing that's apparently inappropriate with you?"

You purse your lips and debate whether to tell her everything or not.

But if you can hardly admit to yourself how you feel about Brittany, how could you possibly tell someone else?

"N-n-nothing, it's just she seems a bit wacky so I wanted to be prepared, thankfully I don't think she'll dress up for me" you smile and try deflect from the topic.

"I can't believe she bought the Evans Ranch, I mean she's a top earner but there's no way she has that amount of money to buy all that land, and as a second property too" Quinn narrows her eyes suspiciously.

"Can't you like, I dunno, get some scoop on her?" you ask, trying not to appear desperate.

You need to know everything about Brittany.

"I'm a lawyer Santana, not a private investigator" Quinn looks at you and rolls her eyes at your ignorance.

"Yeah but you can hire one as a lawyer, right?" you ask eagerly.

She gives a short laugh. "Why on earth would I want to do that? Brittany's sweet, I'm not really interested in her to go snooping about her business, I was merely curious as to how she acquired the money for that place, because it's clearly not from her salary"

"Yeah," you sigh and feel the blood run down the walls of your body awkwardly. You just realized what you asked and now you feel like a fucking freak. You're obsessing over a woman you barely know, and the first act of your friendship is to invade her privacy?

You feel like you're going insane.

"Sorry I shouldn't have asked, she just intrigues me, that's all" you mumble and stand up to go order a muffin.

You panic a little internally when you feel Quinn's suspicious eyes on your back as you do so.

The following day it's lunchtime again and that means one thing. Brittany. Before leaving your workplace you headed into the toilets and adjusted your shirt, and reapplied your makeup. You even put on new earrings and brushed your hair. You walk across the street having absolutely no idea why you care what you look like in front of Brittany.

As the elevator doors part and you walk down the corridor you start to feel nervous all over again. You wish you'd just be able to come here and feel indifferent about it.

But you're always nervous.

"Hey there," Kurt smiles at you from behind the desk.

He's actually wearing a nice grey suit today and you feel the need to tell him, which is strange because you're not one for complimenting people.

"Sharp suit" you smirk at him.

"Why thank you," he says and smiles at you, "it was pretty expensive, but just don't tell the boyfriend" he says holding up a hand as if to conceal his words.

You laugh because he just makes you forget things, even if just for a second.

"Brittany's in room 47, just go ahead" he says and begins to type down on his keyboard.

"OK," you exhale and try calming your nerves.

You walk along and open the door to room 47. You smile as you close the door behind you, Brittany's sitting in her usual chair and smiling back at you. Today she's wearing jeans, a white shirt with a teal colored cardigan on, you're not sure but from here you think it has a small picture of a squirrel at the side.

She just gestures for you to sit down opposite her.

For some reason you can't wipe the grin from your face, you're just so happy to see her again. You hope you aren't weird after your little fight in the barn at the weekend. You sit down and cross your legs, smoothing out the creases on your skirt.

Brittany twists to the side a little and lifts her legs up over the armrest. "So," she sighs and she's leaning back looking at the ceiling. "How are you Santana?"

"Fine, I think" you say and you're still smiling at her even though she isn't watching you at all. "Aren't I supposed to be the one lying down?" you laugh a little.

"You can join me if you want"

You swallow.

"On your couch of course" the blonde adds, a smirk plying the side of her lips.

Fuck it. You might take her up on that. You lean over and slip off your shoes then carefully lie on your back and rest your head against the armrest.

"Comfy?" Brittany's voice floats to you.

"Very…actually" you admit.

"I meant to ask last time Santana, forgive me for not but are you on any medication? Specifically antidepressants?"

You shift a little and put your hands on your stomach. "Uh…no"

"You should really be on medication"

"I-I don't want to," you say and focus your attention on the white grainy texture of the room ceiling. "I mean, I don't want to walk around doped up like a crazy person"

Brittany's giggle bounces around the room and your stomach flutters no matter how much you were prepared for it and how hard you pressed your hands down onto your stomach.

"You're not crazy Santana, antidepressants are mood stabilizers, you're not going to walk around high as a kite, it just helps with your lows. Your lows won't be so low and it will help with your sleep pattern"

"I dunno," you mumble uncertainly. This sofa is so damn comfy.

You hear movement and Brittany walking, you move to sit up but a hand has pressed down over yours and is forcing you to lie back down.

"Scoot over" Brittany smiles.

Your heart is pounding and your body shifts almost as soon as she asks. Brittany sits down at your way side and you can feel the heat from her body, and you can smell her perfume. You look up at her and feel your cheeks grow warm; she looks a little tanner from the weekend and those damn blue eyes are smiling down at you. She is so beautiful.

"Santana, I strongly advise you see your doctor and get proscribed antidepressants, OK? For me?" she asks and she's pouting down at you.

Fucking adorable.

You smile the biggest smile and your cheeks are burning, your eyes shift away unable to contain yourself. "Fine," you say rolling your eyes.

You wonder how many things you would do for her if she asked you to.

"So," Brittany sighs and clasps her hands together in front of her and looks down at you. You wonder how she manages to maintain such strong eye contact, you bat your eyelashes and look away, she's too close and too much for you to handle. "Last week I asked you to think about what you're unhappy with in your life and what you can do to change your situation or your mood, have you given it much thought?"

You clear your throat a little, "Uh yeah but I'm still not sure"

"What are you not sure about?" Brittany asks the tone of her voice always seems laced with genuine interest and curiosity. You wonder if she's like this with all her clients.

"Well I thought about it and one of the things that's bothering me right now is my work so, I mean, there's nothing I can do about that though, right?" you shrug.

"Isn't there?" she asks.

"Is there?" you counter and turn your head to look up at her.

Her mouth skews to the side as she looks up in thought. "You could always look for another job and quit the one you're in" she shrugs.

You give a hollow laugh, "yeah sure, in my dreams maybe" you scoff.

"Why only in your dreams and not your reality?" she asks sagely.

You open your mouth but she's looking down at you seriously, like she literally cannot grasp the concept of you sticking with a job you hate, and the more you're now thinking about it, you're beginning to wonder yourself.

"I…I don't know…I mean it's all I've ever done, it's what I have qualification for, I mean, I couldn't find another job that pays the same" you explain and the thought of leaving your job kind of scares you.

"Is your financial status more important than your happiness?" Brittany asks simply.

Well shit.

"Well no but-"

"Then the answer is easy, huh?" she smiles down at you.

You feel kind of pissed. "No, it's not easy though," you argue, "I can't just up and leave a job I've been doing for years!"

"Why not?"

"Because!" you say back, actually finding no argument to make whatsoever.

Brittany giggles and you clench your stomach again. She briefly looks down as if she somehow noticed the movement and her eyes travel up your body back to your face.

"It's OK Santana I think I understand," she sighs.

"You do?" you ask surprised.

"You're scared of change"

You scoff again and roll your eyes. "Puh-lease, that's such a cliché, _therapist_ thing to say, that's not an actual fucking reason for anything"

"Is that so?" she smirks down at you and she actually seems amused at your resilience. It makes you slightly ticked off again, the same way she laughed at you in the barn, yet it also makes you like her even more. "You _are _scared of change though, can I ask you something?"

You nod.

"How long have you and Sam been together?"

You blink at her completely thrown by her question. "Uh…since high school, on/off at first but eventually we settled down" you say defensively. You have no idea why but you suddenly feel defensive and uncomfortable.

Her smirk turns into a smile, "Do you wanna know what I think? I think you are scared of change. I think you've spent the beginning of your adult life trying to please your parents, sticking with the same guy because you feel the safety and familiarity with him, he's your rock and has been there through every crappy thing that may have ever happened to you since. It's the same with your career, you found something you were good at and decided to stick with it because it was familiar, you went to college studying that which is familiar, living with what is familiar, listening and feeling whatever that was familiar. You studied something you're good at but have zero passion for because the outcome is a known entity - a secure job, you ignore what you're passionate about because the outcome is an unknown entity and you don't like that uncertainty. You're rushing into a marriage you aren't prepared for but to you it feels like the right thing to do because you know the outcome, it's a known entity – a safe, secure and _familiar _relationship, but I wonder if, like your job, you're settling for what is practical above what or whom you are passionate about. The truth is Santana you are rigid in life because you're scared to divert from this very narrow path you're on, but you're determined to stay on it even if it makes you miserable, partly because you're so damn stubborn but also because you're scared and unsure about many things. You wanna know what I think? I don't you you've ever let loose in your entire life, and if you continue on this non-existent way of living your life then you're never going to reach your full potential or be truly happy."

You feel like she's just got a giant icy hammer and battered all of your insides. You feel a chill down your spine and you kind of feel like crying or throwing up. One of the two. You feel the blood drain from your face and you're stunned into silence.

"Y-y-y-you…you have no idea what you're talking about" you argue feebly and you've scrambled to sit up and press away from her as much as possible. She's kind of blocking your exit to run away though.

"Oh but I do," she smiles a little and tilts her head. "It's just my opinion but I suspect it has truths in it. But I want to tell you something that I don't think you know"

"W-what's that?" you swallow thickly.

"I bet you feel like you have no control or say in your life at all, don't you?" she asks knowingly.

Fuck.

You nod your head a little.

"I need you to know that you do," she says simply and she's looking right at you to reinforce to you that what she's saying is an absolute truth. "I often see people who are miserable because they are waiting on something or someone to change their circumstances, like some giant external cause of happiness is going to come along one day and fix things. The truth is that rarely happens, if ever. You are in control of your own life and happiness, your own destiny. You can go out and get a new job, you can take up a hobby, you can go talk to new people, do something new for a change – even though the thought of all this scares you, you can still easily do it and all these things add up to changes, changes for the better. You have so much control over your own life, isn't that empowering to know?"

You let out a shaky breath and your heart feels a little lighter.

"Your life has been confined to this narrow, bleak state, and if you are happy with your life then good for you but I know you're not and I need you to know that you, and you alone, are in control of your life and how it pans out. You don't have to stay in an unhappy situation, you can remove yourself from situations, the outcome is an unknown entity but please don't let that put you off from making decisions in your life. Chances are the decisions you make will not make you any unhappier than you already are; the only way is up from here Santana. You have so much control, humans are so powerful and we seldom realize it. Remember that."

Your heart is pounding as you stare at her. The last statement rings so true because you don't think she realizes the power she has over you. You breathe out and smile a little though.

You suddenly feel like anything's possible.

"I know you can do these things and divert from your path and negative thinking because you did it the day you came and seen me for the first time. You can do it Santana, you can do anything you want in this life" she smiles at you and her eyes are shining.

You laugh a little and breathe out again, "wow"

You can't think of anything else to say.

"So," Brittany says with a more upbeat tone, "You're going to talk to Kurt on the way out and he's going to give you the address of a jazz bar he visits often and you're going to go one night, hopefully he'll be there and you're going to enjoy something you have _passion _for, OK?"

"OK," you nod grinning.

Wow, you actually feel quite high right now. Maybe there are things you can do differently. In the back of your mind you know this feeling will fade in a few hours but right now you're grinning at this beautiful woman and she's made you feel indestructible. The best part is she didn't even tell you anything new, just pointed out what should be obvious. You wonder why you don't think the way she thinks.

"And remember, medication, OK?" she says pointing at you.

You nod again and it's all you can do.

She gets up from the sofa and stretches a little, "Oh," she breathes and kneels down on the floor.

It's only when you sit up you realize what she's doing.

She has your shoe and is holding it out for you. You stare at her and feel your heart thumping low in your chest. You give a shaky laugh and shake your head at her.

She looks up at you and smirks. You just stare dumbly into her eyes and count the freckles on her face and you notice how her blonde hair seems to get even blonder at the ends. Your stomach flips and you're back to grinning like an idiot. You slip your foot in each shoe she holds out then you both stand up.

She's such a gentleman. Or woman. Whatever.

You're both very close and she looks down at your lips and you can't help but look at hers. You give a nervous laugh and tuck your hair behind your ears and look away.

"Uh," Brittany breathes and you feel her breath at your side.

Your whole body stiffens as you suddenly find it hard to swallow.

Why is she so damn close?

Brittany leans in with a smirk on her face, "Can I come out of work mode now?" she asks looking around as if some non-existent work superior would catch her.

A giggle escapes your lips and your heart flutters like it's sprouted wings.

You nod, thinking she can't get any cuter.

"I really enjoyed our time at the weekend," she says and you swear you see her cheeks tinge red. She looks down at the small space between you and starts to twirl a little before looking back up, "I really liked our fight, I had fun," she says a little coyly.

You laugh again and think maybe she can get cuter. She's talking like you both went out to see a movie and had a great time doing something normal.

"I never knew physical assault could be so fun," you jibe and smirk at her.

"Most physical things are fun," she says quietly and gives a small shrug.

You suck in a breath and chew your lip. Again the feeling of wanting to run away creeps up your spine but the sheer joy and pleasure of being so close to her and talking to her is making you stay. You think she's flirting with you again. You're not going to bother pointing out how unprofessional it is because you think you're actually OK with it. Well, at least you think you could get used to it.

"I bet," escapes your lips as you smirk.

Your eyes go wide with shock as does hers a little. You can't fucking believe you just said that.

Are you flirting back?

With a woman?

Brittany giggles and sighs like she doesn't want to change the direction of the conversation but somehow knows she has to. "Remind me to rent a car or something next time, I want to take Lucy with me, she'd love running around the fields up there"

You just smile at her and think how her simply talking manages to affect your insides so much. "No, don't rent, we'll give you a ride up, the dog can sit out the back of a pickup truck, right?" you smirk.

You could barely survive one weekend but you're already looking forward to potentially another.

Brittany pouts at you and her eyes flicker back down to your lips briefly before meeting back up with your eyes. "I couldn't do that to poor Lucy, but thanks for the offer anyway" she smiles.

You always know what she says is genuine.

You wonder if she's even capable of being false.

"Oh," Brittany suddenly says like she remembered something and she's walking away toward her desk.

You sigh already missing her closeness, you head for and wait by the door. You really hate saying goodbye to her.

"I…yesterday…I made you one, just like you asked" Brittany says and walks to you with a plastic bag in hand.

You frown and wonder what the hell she's talking about.

She then looks shy as she takes out a cream woollen sweater and she holds it up to her chest and swings from side to side as if she's displaying it for you.

You literally laugh and place a hand on your heart. "Britt," you sigh looking down at the sweater that looks as snugly as the one she had on except this one didn't have a duck but a green lizard sticking it's red tongue out.

She's so cute you literally can't stand it.

"D-did you just call me Britt?" she breathes and looks at you like you just said the most fascinating thing in the world.

"Oh…uh…I guess I did" you mumble embarrassed. You have no idea why you called her that.

Brittany giggles and smiles at you, her cat like eyes going further up at the sides into genuine creases of happiness.

She still sort of takes your breath away.

"No it's OK, I like it" she says quietly and chews her lip like she's stopping herself from saying any more.

You so want her to say whatever she wants to in front of you.

"You…you don't really like it, do you? I mean, you're not going to wear it or anything," Brittany mumbles looking dejected and scrunches up her nose.

You don't even want to see that impending look of disappointment in her eyes. You never want to see it. It hits you like a ton weight and you no longer feel like anything's possible. You just want her to always be smiling.

"N-no!" you say quickly, grabbing the jumper out of her hands. You eagerly throw it over your head and shimmy it down your front and put your arms through the sleeves. "Look, I'll wear it, I love it" you say quickly, slightly out of breath. You're pretty sure it doesn't go with what you're wearing, or anything you own, but you'll wear it for her. Besides, it's snug as hell.

Brittany's face however is pretty blank and she's just looking at you.

"W-what?" you ask, slightly panicked, "did I rip it?" you look down and inspect it.

Brittany giggles more softly this time and you look up to see she's smiling again. "No," she says and pauses, "It's just…you look lovely" she says quietly.

Fuck. Your hearts back to beating you can practically feel it in your damn throat.

"Thanks" you mumble and stare at the ground.

"I don't really like slimy animals or any animal that is green but I think your lizard is cute too"

"You made it" you smirk back.

"You're like a lizard too Santana," Brittany adds like she's just said the most normal sentence in the world.

You stare at her and await a fucking explanation whilst trying not to laugh.

She needs to stop being so Brittany.

"The thing about lizards," Brittany says softly and takes a step closer to you "is that they are adaptable. They are found on every continent in the world except Antarctica, did you know that?"

You shake your head and just stare in wonder at this woman.

"You're adaptable too Santana" she smiles.

You really need to get away from her now before you do something stupid. Like hug her, or something much worse…

"It was nice seeing you again Santana, I'll see you on Thursday?"

You nod and turn around and open the door, Brittany's following behind you.

"Remember to speak to Kurt and your doctor" she says and closes the door to room 47 on you.

You just stare at the door, "will do" you mumble.

You walk to Kurt's desk feeling rather numb and overwhelmed yet again.

"I uh…was told to talk to you?" you ask feeling rather unfocused.

"Oh yes!" Kurt says clapping his hands together. "This Saturday, I'm going to see my friend sing in this jazz club, it's sort of a low key thing but she's up and coming on Broadway and wants to warm her vocal chords so you should come along, I'll be there!" he says to you and hands you a small piece of paper.

You look down; on it is the address of a bar named 'The Blue Note'

"It'll be fun" he adds and smiles at you encouragingly.

"I'll think about…" you trail and stop in your tracks. Fuck it. You're not going to do what you normally do. "No, I'll be there, definitely" you say nodding to Kurt determinedly.

"Great!" he beams back.

You want to ask if Brittany will be there but you decide that it isn't important, you need to do this for you.

Brittany's right, anything is possible and you have so much control over what is. You're going to do this. Things are going to change.

In the elevator on the way back down you look at yourself in the mirror. You look fucking stupid with this woollen sweater on over your work clothes. You don't give a shit though, it's comfortable as hell and it smells like Brittany.

You'll wear it all damn day and maybe again when it's cold.

You laugh out loud to yourself on the way down, "like a lizard" you snort.

You love how she makes you feel and you love that she can say the oddest of things and make them seem like the sweetest of things. "This woman is driving me crazy"

Well, if this was you going crazy then you don't think you even want to be sane any more.


	6. Wonderwall

**Chapter 6 – Wonderwall**

You've practically been wearing this damn sweater ever since she gave it you, but so what? It's cold outside. This is New York. You've been wearing it to work too and you've been getting weird stares, you'll gladly take those over the pervy ones anyway.

"What are you thinking about?" a calm voice calls to you, reeling you out of your thoughts.

You look across to ocean blue eyes and smile, "Nothing," you mumble.

You're in room 47 and Brittany's been doing a lot of talking today. She's actually reinforced your positivity and you wonder how the hell she does it. You felt down again yesterday after coming down from the high, indestructible feeling she gave you on Tuesday but now you're back and you can feel it simmering back up again.

"Glad to see you're wearing my sweater, I think you look cute in it" Brittany says quietly then looks away like she shouldn't have said that at all.

"Thanks," you breathe quietly and feeling a little braver you add, "I thought you looked cuter in yours"

Blue eyes meet yours again and you see a flattered smile spread across her beautiful face. She makes your heart and stomach spin in ways nobody else does.

"I want to talk about your relationship with Sam today also" she says, almost as if she's forcing herself back into being professional.

Your smile fades as you shift in your seat uncomfortably. "I…there's not much to talk about" you try shrugging casually.

"How often do you two have sex?" she asks boldly.

"I…that's…that's none of your business" you frown and fold your arms in front of yourself.

What the actual fuck?

Brittany laughs softly but see's you're genuinely offended and her smile fades. She leans forward a little and speaks more frankly to you. "Look Santana, there's nothing you can say that I haven't heard by other people before, I specialize in sex and relationship counseling, and frankly I think your relationship needs to be addressed-"

"Why?" you ask annoyed. "There's nothing wrong with my relationship"

"Then you won't mind talking about it" she shrugs simply and leans back.

You kind of hate her, except not really.

You sulk and roll your eyes before shrugging at her, "Whatever, I think it's been about 3 months, we're going through a dry spell I guess, but it's no big deal, it's my fault, my mood and lack of sleep doesn't quite get me going, if you know what I mean?"

"What _does_ get you going?" Brittany asks back and her voice sounds softer and her eyes look more eager.

You swallow thickly, unsure about what she's even asking, "I don't know what you mean"

"Does he make you wet?" she asks and bites her lower lip.

Your mouth drops open a little and you stare at her.

"I…uh…yeah of course, he's my fiancé"

"But _how _and _when _does he make you wet? Does the thought of him make you wet? Does he arouse you? Do you look at him and find yourself aching so badly for him that you feel the need to jump on him and make love to him?"

There's a slight tone of desperation to her voice and it's making you feel hot.

"Well..n-n-no…I mean…we aren't 16 anymore" you stutter and fiddle with your hands.

Your hearts beating and you practically squirm every time she says wet. You think it's actually making you wet because you can feel your lower stomach pool with heat and your face is flushing and you want to fucking run away out of this room right now.

"Then I don't understand how he makes you wet" Brittany says and scratches her chin like she's genuinely confused "_When _exactly do you get wet in the process of love making?"

Fuck.

"I…well…when he touches me duh"

"Touches you where?" Brittany asks quickly.

"I don't know," you shrug beginning to feel uncomfortable, "when he rubs me…down there…I guess? Isn't that normal?"

"Sam has to stimulate your clitoris in order for you to get wet?" she asks, completely unashamedly.

"I-it's not like that, it's just….I don't know…"

She's making this into a way bigger deal than it is.

"Interesting," she says and hums in thought, she looks away over to the wall and taps her chin in thought. "So the _thought _of Sam, or the thought of having sex with Sam doesn't necessarily turn you on, but more the act itself?"

Wow.

You kind of realize she's right, "I guess," you shrug, "But people lose their sex drive when they're in long term relationships, right? I mean it happens all the time, it's not like Sam disgusts me, I have no idea what point you're trying to make" you say defensively.

She tilts her head and looks at you like you have no idea what you're talking about. You probably don't.

"And you've never been sexually active with any other men?"

You don't like the emphasis she put on the word men. Not one bit.

"No, I had a one night stand with a guy in college but I don't count that since I was drunk as hell so yeah Sam's my only one. I mean we fell in love in high school, I was just lucky to meet the one early in life" you say warily.

You feel so uncomfortable, you don't know why. You're thinking about things that you've never actively thought about before, and you don't see the point.

"I guess my point is," Brittany sighs and crosses her legs. "That it's sad you're in a relationship where the mere thought of your other half doesn't excite you"

"That's not what I said!" you argue.

"More or less," Brittany shrugs nonchalantly. "You're young and getting married, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period of the relationship, right? Sam makes you wet by touching you, but the truth is the clitoris is one of the most sensitive pieces of flesh on a woman's body, stimulating it is bound to make anyone wet. It's interesting, have you never been so turned on by someone that they move you in a way? The mere thought of them makes you wet?"

Her voice is low and there's a slight tremble at the end.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You heart pounds and your eyes widen because you briefly think back to your weekend at the Evan's ranch and Brittany made you feel that way _twice_.

"N-n-no, never" you lie anyway.

Fuck. What's happening?

"Mhmm, curious" Brittany narrows her eyes like she doesn't believe you. Fuck her. You can't deal with this. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to differentiate between being _turned_ on and someone simply _switching _you on"

"I'm not a fucking vacuum" you scoff and roll your eyes.

She giggles and you can't help but smile a little and laugh along with her.

"Have you ever had an orgasm before?" she asks, clasping her hands together and looking at you with great interest.

You look up in thought, hasn't everyone who's had sex had one? "Of course" you say after a while.

"Never faked it?" Brittany asks and she's smirking at you.

Fuck all of this; she's just making fun of you now.

"I…well…sometimes Sam finishes early and I haven't quite…you know…arrived there…fuck this" you scoff and roll your eyes at her. You shake your head and she just giggles and your stomach flutters.

You're mad at her. You hold up a hand to silence her.

"Look honestly? OK maybe not all the time," you say frankly "but I have in the past and yeah OK so nowadays it feels more like a chore but it doesn't change the fact that I'm marrying him and it doesn't change the fact that I love him, OK?" you snap.

Her face looks crestfallen and you both sit in silence.

Fuck this is awkward.

"I have no doubt you love Sam" Brittany says quietly. "But are you _in _love with him? Because if you were in love with him then I can't help but feel all of the mental, emotional and physical elements to your relationship would come a lot easier"

You snort. Come a lot easier?

"Pun not intended," she adds smiling.

"Is there a difference?"

"Being in love and loving someone? Yes, absolutely" she says and nods for emphasis. "Please be honest with yourself Santana, nothing you say in here leaves this room, nobody should have to lie to me in this room, especially you"

Your heart starts banging against your ribcage and you feel giddy and nervous at the same time.

Especially you.

What did that even mean? Were you different from her other patients? Were you special to her? You hope so. You really do.

You shake your head to rid it of such ridiculous thoughts, "I do love Sam, he's funny, he's always been there for me, and he's just awesome and-"

"Stop deflecting Santana," Brittany interjects, "are you in love with him?"

You swallow and feel the pressure compress against your brain. You're trying to find an answer but you don't know what it is.

"I think I was…once…." You mumble in thought, almost unaware you said it out loud. "I think so but…I'm not sure…I do love him though" you add just to make it clear.

Brittany looks down at the watch on her wrist and stretches out her arm. "Well, We've been chatting for almost two hours"

Shit. Time sure does fly.

"It's OK, I told my boss I had a headache and was going home at lunch, I do kind of have a headache anyway, so it wasn't necessarily a lie" you smirk.

"I _would_ have offered a head massage but that would be inappropriate touching and I know how sensitive you are" she smirks back at you.

She's fucking making fun of you. You grin back like you love it anyway.

You kind of do.

"Well I think next week we should work though the specifics of your sex life and ways to improve it, but first I think it's important your sleep is back to normal, did you speak to your doctor?"

"I have an appointment next week," you inform her.

She wants to talk about specifics of sex? You thought you just fucking did.

"OK good, so once you're on medication, in about 3 to 4 weeks your sleep will improve and hopefully your mood too" she smiles at you. "Well I think we should leave it at that for today, I've been yapping enough"

Ugh. She's so cute.

Once you're both at the threshold of room 47 you smile at her and you don't want to say goodbye, but you know you're being fucking stupid. You need to ask her what's been bugging you since Tuesday.

"Saturday…Kurt…invited me to the blue note to see his friend sing or something, are…are you coming?" you ask hopefully.

Wow. You didn't even bother to hide your desperation; she must think you're pathetic.

Brittany laughs a little and looks down at the floor, her fingertips tapping the door handle.

"I might come in, I don't know, unless you don't want me to be there?" she asks and you can tell she's putting your needs first before her own. You know she wants to come but she's allowing you the choice because this is something for you.

"I would love you to be there," you breathe out like it's the most obvious thing.

"Oh, OK" Brittany nods and she looks a little more comfortable with your answer, "I guess I'll try and see Rachel's performance"

"R-Rachel?" you ask.

You're curious. You want to know everything about her, you're envious of people who get to spend time with her and you don't even know them.

"A friend of mine and Kurt's" she smiles politely but doesn't elaborate.

You guess you haven't earned the right to know about such things yet. You hope one day you'll be the friend that other people are jealous of.

"Bye Santana," she says and she shuts the door on you.

You laugh a little and wonder why such a nice person like her has a habit of shutting the door on people's faces. Or maybe just yours.

You give a small, feeble wave at the door anyway.

"Bye Britt"

On Saturday night you consider lying to Sam about where you're going because you feel guilty for some reason. Then you realize you're being dumb and you have nothing to feel guilty over. Technically.

"So, you're going to see this stranger woman singing?" Sam asks confused.

"Yeah, I mean Brittany thinks it will be good for me and well I think she'll be there so don't worry about me" you smile at him as you head into the hall and open your apartment door.

You check yourself once over in the mirror. You've opted for grey slacks, shiny black-heeled pumps and a simple blank tank top. You look smart but not too casual. You figure this place will be classy but if not then at least you've hit a middle ground. Maybe you should have opted for a dress.

"OK I guess, I'll invite the boys over for video game night" Sam shrugs and grins.

"Just don't leave Dorrito bags all over the damn apartment this time" you smirk at him.

He wraps his arms around your waist and goes to kiss you but you blink and look away.

"What's wrong?"

"I uh…" you hesitate. You have no fucking idea why you just flinched. Sam's kissed you a billion times before. "I have lipstick on, don't want you to ruin it with your big guppy mouth, OK?" you smirk at him nervously and hope he doesn't think you're acting weird.

Because you are.

"Fine," he grins and rolls his eyes, "Have fun" he says and slaps you playfully on the ass on the way out.

You laugh and give him a small wave as you head down and out the building.

You're relieved but nervous all over again; you really want Brittany to be there yet you don't. Whatever the case, on the cab on the way over you can't stop thinking about her. That's all you've been doing recently and it's beginning to affect everything in your life.

You walk into The Blue Note and it's kind of awesome, it isn't as fancy as you imagined but it's cozy and low key.

Kurt comes running up to you from the bar and he's holding the hand of another man who's been dragged along behind him.

"Hey Santana, glad you made it!" he smiles at you.

You breathe a little easier and you're actually glad you bit the bullet and came. Kurt grabs your arm and drags you to the bar, the lights are dim in here but you see the strobes bouncing from the neon lights above the bar and it's really pretty.

"Santana this is Blaine" Kurt says and motions at the man beside him.

"Hi," you wave awkwardly at him.

He's dressed weird, he's got on a grey vest with a red shirt and bright red bowtie on and he sort of looks like a clown minus the makeup, and damn that guy has way too much gel in his hair.

You bite your tongue though.

You need to not be an asshole for a night.

"What do you want to drink?" Kurt asks.

"Oh no, it's fine I'll pay-"

"No, no" Kurt says smiling and holding up a hand. "A gentleman always pays for a fine ladies drink, even if he is gay"

You laugh a little and find yourself relax more. "Sure thing, I'll have a scotch on the rocks"

"You heard the lady" Kurt says to the barman.

"I'll go save us a table at the front for the best view for Rachel's performance, OK?" Blaine says and Kurt nods at him.

He's off to the other side of the bar, drink in hand and shimmying by tables. You turn around to Kurt and you want to know more about him because he's been so friendly to you when he doesn't even know you.

"So, how long have you two been at it?" you smirk.

"Ah," Kurt taps his nose "that would be telling"

"He's handsome, you're lucky" you compliment him.

You actually think he could be handsome if he just changed everything about him, maybe even plucked those damn eyebrows.

"Thank you, uh…look Santana, can I be frank with you?" Kurt asks and slides your drink toward you along the counter.

You nod at him and wonder what he wants to talk about. You take a sip and feel it burn the back of your throat. You really need this.

"I'm just going to cut straight to the chase, OK? You seem like a nice person, really, but I've been working with Britt for years and frankly I'm worried"

"Why?" you ask suddenly, frowning.

"She's never…OK look say what you want about Brittany, she may have unconventional methods but she's never _ever _been unprofessional with a client, in all my years of knowing her"

You choke a little on your drink and stare at him.

"But the way she's been with you for the last two weeks? Technically she shouldn't be seeing you outside of her work, I don't know why, and like I said you seem like a nice person but clearly she's taken a shine to you, and I don't want Brittany to get hurt, do you understand?"

Damn. For someone so small and softly spoken he can get right to the point. He kind of reminds you of yourself.

"I would never hurt Brittany," you say firmly, completely thrown by all of this, "I wouldn't know how"

Kurt eyes you then smiles a little. "I believe you, but I'm just saying, if you want to be her friend, maybe you should seek another counselor, or if you want her to be your counselor, you should make another friend"

Well fuck. You feel sad, can't you have both? You're not hurting anyone.

"Can't she be both? I mean, she now has connections to my family anyway, we would have met regardless"

Kurt sucks in a breath and cringes, "I don't know, it's very inappropriate, in my professional opinion"

Fuck. Coming here was a bad idea.

"Well, hey there gorgeous" a low voice comes moving from behind you and is now in front of you.

"I…uh…hi" you stutter.

Fuck. Brittany is standing in front of you and she's wearing a shimmery silver dress that only comes to her thighs and you're staring at her legs. Her hair is down and wavy and her cheeks are rosy. She looks beautiful.

Your lungs suddenly don't work.

"Britt, we've talked about this" Kurt says in a scolding manner and points to Brittany's arms.

You try hard and tear your eyes away from all of her beauty and realize she's wearing grey leg warmers. On her arms. You chuckle and feel your cheeks flush.

_Of course._

"What?" Brittany scrunches up her nose and looks confused.

You wish she'd stop being adorable. All of your feelings would be much easier to deal with if she weren't the definition of adorable.

And sexy.

Damn, those legs. You must be staring because Brittany giggles as you look up at her and she bats her lashes at you.

Fuck. This is going to be a long night.

"Look Kurt," she smiles to him "It's not my fault arms are discriminated against, OK? I walked here, but my arms are cold, why should legs get all the clothing items to keep it warm?"

"Brittany," Kurt sighs impatiently "arms_ don't_ get discriminated against, we have something called sleeves, remember?"

"Semantics" Brittany shrugs and looks away to finalize the debate.

She's so fucking cute you need to hug her or kiss her. Kiss her. Fuck.

Instead you just take another drink.

Brittany orders a scotch on the rocks too and you wonder if it's sign you're meant to be her friend forever.

You roll your eyes at yourself and order another drink before all of you make your way to the front. There's a tall table off to the side with stools at them and it's got a perfect view of the small stage. Brittany was right when she said this was low key. You look at the band on stage all set up and ready.

Violins, cellos, and bass players…you feel at home here…

You could easily see yourself working here. It would be your dream job.

Except you've never really sung in front of people before. You're pathetic really. This really is just a pipe dream and not something you're capable of. Kurt sits next to Blaine and Brittany drags her stool up to near yours.

"So," you say and take another sip, eager to make conversation. You need to forget all about what Kurt said. You love bring with Brittany too much, who the fuck cares what's professional? "Your friend Rachel?" you ask. You're not sure what it is exactly you're asking, but you are.

"Uh…huh?" Brittany inflects her voice for elaboration and smirks slowly at you.

There's a slyness swirling in her blue eyes and you wonder if this Rachel woman was ever more than a friend. You don't really know Brittany's sexuality but judging by her openness and comments you're going to guess she's bisexual.

You have nothing against gay people, or bisexual people, you've just never met a lot of them…and you're not one of them…

I mean, you would know right? You're a fucking grown-up.

Fuck it, you don't want to know, you don't want to think about Brittany in that way with anyone. She's too special to be tainted. You hope she's single and lives happily with her dog. You don't want anyone touching her. Especially Teddy.

"What song is she singing?" you ask mundanely instead.

"Oh," Brittany mouths and smiles excitedly. "She's actually doing like a bluesy version of an indie rock song? It's called Wonderwall by a British band called Oasis, you ever heard of it?"

"I think so" you nod.

"She's got a gig some place else though after this so we won't be able to go backstage and say hi unfortunately" and she pouts a little, "but it's OK, I'll introduce you next time"

Next time? Was this going to become a thing?

You hope so.

"She likes taking songs and rearranging them"

You nod again and take another drink. You really want her to stop talking about this Rachel woman. "You look beautiful," you admit quietly.

Well fuck, that's one way to change the subject.

"Oh," Brittany sighs and wraps her fingers around her glass and begins turning it on the table, "thanks, so do you…but you normally do so…" she trails and shrugs.

You feel the blood reach your cheeks and you laugh a little and look away shyly.

You think she's doing the same.

You're relieved when the lights dim further and a small woman with brunette hair and a large nose is walking on stage and everybody is clapping. You clap along with them. She's pretty, but in a very alternative way, she's donning a long black dress and she smiles at the audience and she's tiny and shy looking.

God, maybe this was going to be a disaster. She really doesn't look like someone who should be on-stage.

The music kicks in and it sounds familiar but the tempo is all slowed down and it's tranquil and exciting at the same time.

Rachel then opens her mouth and all thoughts leave your brain.

"_Today is gonna be the day  
That they're gonna throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do, about you now"_

Fuck. It's like she's a different person when she's singing, she's so full of confidence and she makes eye contact with every individual in the room, or so it feels. You can tell she has a powerful voice and has a lot of control of it too.

_"Back beat, the word was on the street_  
_That the fire in your heart is out_  
_I'm sure you've heard it all before_  
_But you never really had a doubt_  
_I don't believe that anybody_  
_Feels the way I do about you now"_

Your eyes flicker to the side and you gasp a little when Brittany's bright blue eyes are staring at you and in that moment you feel your heart actually stop. You feel your heart rise with emotion as the lyrics play through your head and she's looking right into your soul. Your heart is pounding.

You have a lump in your throat and you try swallowing it down. She's scaring you again and you love it. Like the songs says, you really don't believe anyone feels the way you feel about her. Especially right now.

"_And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I  
Would like to say to you but I don't know how"_

You bite you lip and your throat feels dry and you feel like you're falling through the floor. You really don't know how to say things to her, not the thing you truly want to say. You're too scared. You see Brittany's thin lips form a comforting smile.

_"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me_  
_And after all, you're my wonderwall"_

After the song fades Rachel takes a bow and everybody is on their feet clapping. You feel awed by everything. The emotion in her voice but also the emotion in those blue eyes of a certain blonde looking at you.

Rachel says a few things but you're not really listening, you gulp back another swig of your drink, forcing yourself not to look at Brittany. What the fuck is happening to you? Why is your heart weighing so much?

Rachel leaves the stage and the band begins playing a slow jazzy, melancholy number. The lights brighten a bit.

Brittany shifts her stool so it's hitting right against yours, "Rachel was great, right?" she says to you over the music, leaning in and placing a hand over your shoulder.

It stiffens at her touch.

Your eyes dart to the side and you can smell her cinnamon shampoo and the sweet smell of the alcohol from her light breath. You turn your attention back to the band still playing a bluesy instrumental number.

"Yeah" you manage to say back. "She really was"

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself" Brittany says and leans away from you, taking another sip of her drink.

You can only breathe a little easier since she's still right next to you and you can feel the tension lingering between your bodies. It's almost physical enough to feel it in the air.

Ten minutes into the performance Brittany shifts positions. The angle provides you with a great view of the blonde's leg; you stare down underneath the table at the perfectly shaped limb. You can feel Brittany's eyes on you but you don't even know if you care anymore, your eyes just trail down her toned leg and to her silver heels. Maybe you're being obvious. Snapping out of it you look back up onto the stage and try loose yourself in the music.

It works for a while as you listen to Blaine and Kurt talk about musicals, something you really know nothing about. You suddenly feel something touch the side of your leg. Thinking Brittany had maybe just accidently bumped you under the table, you shift away allowing more legroom.

Your heart skips a beat when the touch follows.

You hear a faint giggle from Brittany; it was so quiet you wonder if you just imagined it in your head.

You keep your eyes forward and don't move a muscle, but you can't, it's too hard, you're too distracted by the action below your knees. You lean back a little and let your eyes fall down beneath the table.

You watch stunned, your heart pounding as Brittany's foot slips out of her shoe and caresses your ankle.

Fuck.

You can almost feel Brittany's smirk burn the side of your face. A familiar throb begins to faintly annoy you between your thighs and you shift in your seat hoping it will go away.

Brittany glides her stocking-clad toes around your ankle slowly then snakes it under the leg of your pants. Your breathing quickens as she runs her foot sensually up and down your calf, putting you into a slight rocking motion.

Fuck.

"Ugh…" a sigh escapes your lips and your cheeks burn with embarrassment. She's hypnotizing you.

You risk another glance at the limb tormenting you and your stomach spins uncontrollably when you look down and the image of Brittany's foot disappearing then reappearing from under your pants is burned into your mind.

"Fuck," you mumble to yourself and you try picking up your drink, but your hand is shaking and the ice cubes are rattling away inside the glass. You feel the alcohol hit the back of your throat and then slide down and burn in your lower stomach.

You think you've just added fuel to a fucking fire because the pounding between your legs just became more intense.

The tempo of the music is still the same and you pant a little as Brittany blazes a trail up to your knee and back down again, her foot leaving a tingly burning sensation beneath your skin. You feel every low thrum of the cello on stage reverberate between your legs and in your heart.

You can feel your underwear grow warm and sticky as your arousal pools between your thighs. You can't fucking believe how easy she's done this. You look down to the swaying of Brittany's toned thigh and it makes you all the more aroused that Brittany's long leg is touching you, that she's doing this for you. To fucking torture you maybe, but nonetheless for you. There's no way you've been imagining everything between you now.

You swear you can't breathe.

Brittany leans into you and you feel her soft hair tickle your shoulder. "Do you want me to stop?" she breathes quietly into your ear.

Your mouth falls open but literally nothing comes out.

She's still stroking your leg and you can feel her breathing almost as heavily as you.

You lick your lips as your throat has become dry and you try speaking again but literally nothing comes out of your mouth. Literally fuck all.

You're so fucking embarrassed.

She giggles into your ear and it flutters around your lobe and your stomach flips again.

She's laughing at you. Again.

She takes your silence as an answer and continues on rubbing her foot up and down your calf.

"I hope now you realize," she says quietly into your ear.

You can't believe she's trying to have a conversation with you right now since you can't really think about anything other than your leg that feels numb and the way your insides are squirming at her touch.

You actually think you're about to combust.

"Realize what?" you breathe out. Shit. That came out way huskier than you intended. You take another drink to distract your hands. You might end up doing something stupid with them. Like touching her back.

Of course _now _your voice fucking works.

"The difference between someone _turning_ you on, and not simply switching you on" she says before her leg retracts and she suddenly stands up.

You blink a few times and you realize the lights aren't so low and the band has stopped playing. You don't know if you're disappointed or relieved.

"Excuse me guys, I need to go to the bathroom" Brittany says to the table and she's walking away like nothing happened.

It's not fair. She can't keep doing this to you.

You stand up and your legs are all wobbly. Shit.

"You OK Santana?" Kurt smiles at you with concern in his eyes.

"Uh…yeah," you mumble, "I think the drinks went straight to my head," you laugh it off nervously.

You don't even say anything as you put one foot in front of the other and try walking in a straight line toward the restrooms. You let out long breaths; you really need to cool off. Following Brittany was probably not a good idea then, but you need to talk to her.

You swing open the door to the women's bathroom and look around. Brittany's standing there at the sink with her back to you, she's washing her hands. You close the door carefully behind you and peek around the stalls to make sure you're both alone.

You are.

"I need you to stop" you say shakily.

You feel stupid because you kind of feel like crying. You don't know what you're more upset about, the fact that she touched you like that or the fact that she's no longer touching you like that.

Brittany turns off the taps and dries her hand with a paper towel. "I know," she sighs sadly and her shoulders slump.

Your eyes meet hers in the mirror.

You weren't expecting that response for some reason.

"I've kind of been lying to you Santana, and myself if I'm honest" she says softly and turns to look at you.

The mixture of her bright blue eyes and her silver dress in this light is simply stunning.

You take a step forward closer to her and she leans back against the sink.

"I told you last weekend that outside of room 47 I was just your friend. But legally, ethically and morally that just isn't true. You're my patient and that comes first before everything else, or it should…I mean…I shouldn't even be your friend…I've never done anything like this before" she divulges and her eyes drop down to the floor looking caught between shame and sadness.

Your heart thumps and feels heavy because you don't want to see her sad, or worst of all, be the cause of it.

"I'm not playing games though," she breathes and is still staring at the tiled floor. "I guess, it's just because I like you so much…"

Crap.

"It's weird because I'd get angry if I hear about other counselors doing this sort of thing yet here I am feeling the same. I'm not professional around you, you make me forget myself…"

Blue eyes flicker up and look across at you sadly. You're lost in the enigmatic depth of them.

Fuck everything. You think you're actually having feelings for this woman and you haven't got a clue what to do about it. Should you even do anything about it? Will it pass if you just leave it?

Do you even _want _to leave it?

You don't know what to do or say but you're walking forward anyway, your heels hitting against the floor until you're right in front of her.

You can't believe she likes you.

Why would someone as perfect as her take any interest in a fucked up person like you?

"Have you ever became friends with one of your clients?" you ask and she looks up at you again like she wasn't expecting that question. She leans as far back away from you into the sink as she can and you consider taking one step closer to close the gap but your feet remain rooted. The pounding between your legs seems to have slowed down and now it's just a slow thud like your heartbeat, deep within your body and soul as if it's waiting on something. Someone.

Brittany shakes her head silently.

"Have you ever had a relationship with any of your clients?"

She shakes her head again and you see guilt in her eyes.

You clear your throat because suddenly it feels smaller, "Have you ever flirted with your clients?"

Brittany stares at you and her eyes fall to your lips in a way you've seen them do before. She shakes her head again, "Only you" she admits softly.

Jesus Christ.

Brittany sighs and reaches a hand out to you, you watch as slender fingers wrap themselves around your wrist and she's swaying your arm in her palm in-between your bodies. Her hand still feels warm and moist from the tap water and you want her to touch you everywhere with it.

Maybe not _everywhere_, then again you aren't even sure about anything anymore.

"I'll give you the contact details of a colleague of mine, if you want to transfer to another counselor, but I hope you don't because I do feel like I can help you Santana, despite my feelings for you…"

"Brittany I'm not…not…I can't…Sam…" you stutter out pathetically as you feel all your walls collapse at her admission of feelings for you. You don't think you've ever felt so wonderfully sad in all your life.

"And just so you know," she says, even more quieter still that you have to lean in a little, her face not far from yours. "I won't ever initiate anything between us, but not because of my job, because you're in a relationship, a serious one at that"

She lets go of your wrist and glides her hand by your arm and waist as she walks away toward the door.

You shudder and close your eyes.

You don't know what to do.

"But honestly?" her voice floats to you from the door and you turn around to face her. Brittany's eyes look a shade darker. She bites her bottom lip and looks at you shyly, "If _you _were to initiate anything though, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself"

You nod dumbly at her as elation swirls in the pit of your stomach.

"Just saying" she shrugs and gives a simple smile.

"You know that I can at least have you investigated and you can possibly lose your job right?" you ask and you feel a sad smile twitch your lips.

You have no intention of doing so but you kind of want to see her reaction.

She smiles a little more then tilts her head looking pensive, "We both know you would never do that Santana"

Before you can say anything she's gone.

Of course she knew you were bluffing. She knows everything.

She's left you alone in the bathroom and you lean back into the sink and grip the sides with your hands. You look up at the ceiling and let out a giant sigh. You try even out your breathing but you feel all over the place.

She's left the ball in your court and it's so fucking unfair.

You actually think she's devilishly clever.

Probably the smartest person you know, which is saying something because you know Quinn Fabray. Which reminds you, this is all her fucking fault and you need to tell her everything.

You spend the rest of the night at the bar talking to Kurt and drinking more than you should. Brittany talks mostly to Blaine but seems oddly subdued. You wish things were different. There's so much you want to tell her but don't know how.

Brittany comes over to you and lightly traces around your elbow with her fingertips. It tickles.

She looks a little drunk.

She giggles and you snort back and blink slowly at her.

"What's so funny?" you ask.

"Dunno," she shrugs and her hand retracts. "Hey, I don't want you going home by yourself in the city at this time, you should come back to mine"

Holy crap.

She see's your eyes bulge and looks away bashfully, "Oh uhm…don't worry…it's…Kurt's coming too, my apartment is only a few minutes from here"

"I got a cab over, I could get one back?" you suggest.

"Maybe," Brittany shrugs a shoulder and looks a little disheartened. "I don't want you to waste money when I'm literally a few minutes away"

"Oh," you say erratically and your breathing is all over the place. "I guess, OK"

You guess? OK? What are you thinking?

Her lips form a toothy grin and she giggles again. She seems really happy. That makes you happy.

"We ready to go then?" Kurt comes up behind you at the bar and Blaine leans over his shoulder and kisses his cheek sloppily.

"See you tomorrow Kurt, it was nice meeting you Santana" he smiles a little lazily and stumbles toward the door.

Your heart kind of jolts because you feel something seeing the two of them together, but you're not entirely sure what it is.

You look to the side and suck in a sharp breath when Brittany's looking right at you, she seems curious by everything you do and you feel like she's reading your mind or trying to gauge what's happening inside of you and you don't like she can bypass your walls so damn easily.

You spent a lot of time building them up after all.

You smile a little nervously at her and she smirks back.

"Should I bring a knife with me?" Kurt asks and you snap out of it.

Brittany laughs a little carelessly, "what are you talking about Kurty?" she coos.

Oh damn, she's being cute again. Drunk cute.

"You know," Kurt says sassily, his eyebrow quirks and his eyes dart between you both, "to cut the sexual tension with?"

Brittany snorts and hits him on the arm, "C'mon you, you're not funny right now" she says and grabs his arm and they are heading for exit too. You guess you should follow suit.

The three of you are walking along and it's dark and cold and you're glad you didn't go home by yourself. You walk close behind Brittany and Kurt and you can't wait to get to bed. You're scared at how much you feel for Brittany. You feel like your whole world is crumbling around you and you don't know how to stop it. Maybe if you go to sleep, some of the pieces will still be left in the morning and you can rebuild form there.

Brittany's detaches herself from Kurt's arm and slows down so she's walking beside you, "I really liked that song Rachel sang," she says to you quietly and leans a little into you.

"I…uh…yeah"

She can't honestly expect you to be able to hold a conversation when she's this close to you, can she?

You had to agree though, you loved it. Songs are normally sappy to you and hold little meaning but you recall the way your heart almost exploded back at the bar and it felt so good it almost hurt.

Are you really marrying the wrong person? Did you move too fast with Sam and not even be open to anybody else that you haven't really experienced what true love is?

Was this what attraction felt like? Love even?

You can't be in love though you love Sam, right? Besides, love doesn't come this quickly.

You do like her though, of that you're sure. You like her a lot.

She's so precious that songs remind you of her. No song reminds you of Sam. Which is ridiculous because Sam is everything, you've known him for years and her for barely 2 and a half weeks. Why are these feelings so many and so instant?

Has your whole life been a giant waste of time, a giant lie?

You do think your heart is trying to tell you something, and you're mad at it cause it's been pretty fucking indifferent up until now. The way it swells and beats only for her.

You have no fucking idea what a Wonderwall even is.

But you're pretty sure she's yours.

Brittany's your Wonderwall.


	7. Confused

**Chapter 7 – Confused**

"Watch your step"

You smile a little up at Brittany as you start walking up the stairway in her apartment block. You're glad to be out of the cold.

"I know how to walk up stairs," you laugh nervously.

"Yeah but you've been drinking and I'm used to Kurt falling up here," Brittany giggles.

"Hey!" Kurt says in defense, slapping Brittany on the arm.

"I'm not drunk trust me" you grimace, thinking momentarily back to embarrassing, hazy drunken memories, most of which involving tears or vomiting or often both.

You follow behind Kurt and Brittany till you reach the end of a hallway on the third floor and she opens the door to room 25. Brittany flicks on the light as she walks through to the living room; Kurt pushes by and collapses on the sofa on his front.

Shit. It's really cold in here.

"Crap, my heating must have turned itself off again" Brittany groans and opens the door to the kitchen. A familiar golden retriever comes scampering out and runs toward you, twirling around your legs.

"Hey there," you smile down at Lucy and stroke over the smooth hair on her head. She wags her tail excitedly in response.

You look around and it's a decent sized flat, the living room is pretty big and is decorated in cream and teal colors. There is cream sofa's set up to face the TV on the wall, there's a chair in the corner where you see colorful balls of thread and other knitting material. You smile imagining Brittany knit all sorts of clothing there. There are a few dog bones and squeakers lying on the floor and a bookshelf with an assortment of weird ornaments. You note the lack of pictures though. There's not any and it doesn't make the place seem as homely as it could be. You think about your own place, it has lots of photos of you and your parents, you and Sam on holiday, even one of you and Quinn.

You hear a kettle come on from the kitchen. "Hey, you guys want hot chocolate?" Brittany's voice calls through.

"Yes," you and Kurt both say in unison. You laugh a little as Lucy runs through to the kitchen like she wants some too.

"Geez Britt, polar bears could live in here" Kurt calls through and you see him shivering. You decide to walk over past the coffee table and sit in the lone seat across from him.

"That was the plan," Brittany calls through and you hear her stirring the drinks, "but so far none have showed up at my door, weird right?"

Kurt rolls his eyes and shakes his head; you on the other hand giggle and sigh feeling giddy. She's so fucking cute; worst part is you don't know what you love more, the fact that she might be kidding or the fact she might be serious. You can't really tell. She's cute and magical either way.

Brittany comes in and puts Kurt's drink on the table, then hands you yours. You notice the way her lips twitch when her fingers slide along yours briefly as you take the cup from her.

You blink and smile bashfully back up at her, "thanks," you mumble quietly.

She smiles at you then all too quickly she's gone back through to the kitchen.

Fuck. You're really glad Kurt's here. You don't know what you might do otherwise.

You sit in the comfort of the living room and love the way the steam from your hot chocolate raises from your cup and heats your face. You glance at Kurt, who's all but collapsed on the sofa; he's barely got one eye open.

"Britt, we're going to die in this cold" he mumbles, his words muffled as his face is mashed up against the surface of the sofa.

"Sorry guys," Brittany says coming in from the kitchen with her own hot chocolate and sits by Kurt's feet. "My heating has been weird recently, I've been meaning to get it fixed, but I've put it on now and it's working OK, it may take a while to heat the place up though"

Lucy comes in from the kitchen and yawns, prodding her way over to you. She sits at your feet and looks up at you with her big eyes and her ears cowered back. You can't help but grin down at her; she's such a damn cute dog.

"She likes you," Brittany says quietly and you look over at her. She smiles softly like there's a double meaning behind there somewhere.

You take a sip of your hot drink and swallow carefully, thinking what to say back. "I like her too" you smile unsurely back.

Brittany chews her lip and raises her cup up to her face as if she's trying to hide a smile. She takes a drink and you mimic her. Fuck this is awkward.

"Welll," Kurt drawls out as he yawns and stretches his arms, his eyes still not fully open. "_Clearly _I'm sleeping on the sofa, because there is no way I'll get any beauty sleep with all the weird tension floating between you two"

"Shut up Kurt" Brittany rolls her eyes. "Uhm, you can have the bed if you want Santana, I'll uh, well you and Kurt can share and I'll-"

"I'm not sharing a bed with a woman, it's against my beliefs" Kurt interjects dramatically, "I told you I'll take the sofa, you two take the bed, I want to actually sleep tonight and not get kicked in the face by female limbs"

"You think women flail about in bed?" Brittany snorts.

"Well you women do a lot of talking so you probably do a lot of moving too, and I've slept next to you before Britt, you're clingy" he says and lifts his hands doing clinging motions.

You and Brittany both laugh a little.

You wrap your hands around the warm cup in your hand tighter. "I'm fine with sharing the bed with you Brittany," you admit sheepishly and your cheeks are burning red. You don't even look directly at her to see her reaction. You can't believe the words that are coming out your fucking mouth right now. "I mean, I'll need to borrow pajamas but it's fine, you do have some I can borrow right?"

"Uhh…" Brittany says hesitantly.

You look up at her and she's rubbing her chin looking caught between thought and guilt.

"I might have, I'm not sure"

"What do you mean you _might _have?" you frown confused and take another sip of your hot chocolate.

"Well," Brittany shrugs nonchalantly. "It's just I don't really use them, I usually sleep naked"

Fuck. You heart stops. The hot liquid get's caught at the back of your throat and you choke and feel it hurling forward. Hot chocolate escapes your lips and dribbles down your chin onto your clothes.

You hear Brittany giggle and it makes your stomach flutter again. You are so fucking embarrassed yet again. Lucy jumps up a little and begins licking at the wet patch on your pants and this sends Brittany into more laugher. She puts down her own cup and clasps a hand over her chest.

"Sorry," you mumble and finally manage to swallow the rest.

Brittany kneels down on the floor and comes crawling over to you, she takes off one of her leg warmers around her arm and dabs the wet patch carefully on your thigh.

"Go away Lucy" she giggles and swats her hand at the dog.

Lucy whines and goes over toward Kurt, who's all but passed out.

"Sorry" you say again and you have no idea why you're talking but she's so fucking close to you again. You can see her slightly smudged eye make up and her freckles. She's so pretty.

Brittany looks up and you kind of lose your breath at how blue her eyes are again. They seem to surprise you every time. She smiles a little and raises her hand, dabbing your chin dry. The touch burns in a way the hot drink never did.

She's still dabbing even though you're sure the spot is dry.

"Don't worry," she whispers. "I won't sleep naked," she adds with the smallest of smirks.

Your stomach is spinning.

She quirks an eyebrow at you and your face must have changed because she's giving you a look. "Is that relief I see or…disappointment?" she whispers and you swear her face is closer.

You swallow thickly.

"Both"

Fuck. You can't believe you just said that.

She knows now, you've confirmed it. You're at very least attracted to her and you just fucking admitted it out loud. You're not gay or anything, you can't be, you'd know by now. It's only her you feel this way about, so it will pass. It has to.

"You're thinking too much," she says quietly and retracts away from you, kneeling down on the floor and placing a hand on your knee.

You gulp. Why does she always know?

She looks at you regretfully before standing up and walking to the other side of the room, she opens a closet and brings out a pillow and some bed covers. You just watch her as your heartbeat tries to settle, your eyes fall to her swaying hips and her legs, you think she has a sexy strut; it's full of confidence and assurance. You only hope one day you can be half the person she is. You're hot as hell on the outside; you know you were blessed with good genes but on the inside? You really don't know who you are any more, and if you don't know who you are, you can't love yourself; therefor you can't be confident in yourself. Everything sucks.

"Kurt," Brittany says gently and places her hand over Kurt's shoulder. "Wakey, wakey," she singsongs nudging him more. "I have some of your old clothes in my bedroom, you want me to bring them through?"

"Mhmm mhmm" he hums groggily.

"Well get up and make your bed if you're so adamant about sleeping here then" she says and walks through to the hallway and out of sight.

Yes, you watch her ass as it leaves too.

You look back to Kurt and jump a little when his eyes are wide open and he's watching you, you feel like you've just been caught. He sits up and takes a sip of his hot chocolate, his eyes peering over the rim at you. His eyebrow is raised and you get the feeling he's judging you or something.

"What?" you shrug defensively and avert your gaze around the room.

"You better not hurt her," he says softly but the warning is nevertheless there, loud and clear.

You roll your eyes, "I have no idea what you're talking about" you say monotonously.

His eyebrow rises further like he knows you're talking bull and a silence falls in the room. Fuck it.

"OK, you know what twinkle toes?" you say impatiently and place your cup down on the table. "If I want your advice, I'd ask for it, OK?"

"I wasn't giving you advice," he says shortly. "I was warning you"

"Puh-lease, if anything she's hurting me" you scoff.

"Really? The way I see it is that Brittany's taken a liken to you and you want to have your cake and eat it too. Really, don't flirt back if you're just going to go back to your husband every night, because from where I'm sitting you're probably just an attention-seeking straight woman with a very vanilla sex life and marriage that wants to play along with the flirting because it's the only remotely interesting thing in your life, and it makes you feel a little cool and rock n' roll, but when it comes down to it you have no real interest in Brittany whatsoever"

Fuck. Your mouth drops open and you don't know what to say. He isn't entirely right and you want to point that out but then that would mean you saying stuff out loud.

"I…It's not like that…I…I'm confused" you stutter out.

Well fuck you Santana Lopez, now you can't take it back. Great job. Just fucking great. What the fuck are you even talking about anyway? Kurt's eyes go a little wide and he looks surprised at your admitting words.

You feel the initial anger dispel inside you and now you just feel fucking miserable. You slump a little in your chair and look to the floor in shame.

"Oh," Kurt breathes. "Have you told her that?"

You look up and shake your head.

"Maybe you should"

Brittany comes walking back in and again your mouth drops open. She's standing at the threshold wearing a baggy white shirt that only comes to her midriff, and all she's got on at the bottom is purple lace panties. Fuck. You think the dress was less revealing.

"Uhm, I couldn't really find anything to wear apart from this, I think this is Mike's old top" Brittany smiles at Kurt, tugs the edges down with balled fists and spins on the spot.

Fuck she's so cute and sexy and damn her legs.

"Oh Santana," she smiles to you like she's just remembered you're here. "You can go through to my room and get changed, just go through my drawers, I'm sure you'll find something to wear," she giggles.

Your stomach flutters and you stand up and you need to get away from her for a while.

"It's the last door on the right"

"Okay," you say and you realize you have to physically bypass her so you close your eyes and you scoot by her, and will yourself not to look at her or inhale or think about anything. You end up walking into the doorframe though.

Brittany giggles and your stomach clenches as you cringe feeling embarrassment sweep down your spine.

"Oops, sorry" you mumble and scatter quickly out to the hall without looking back.

Did you just apologize to a fucking door?

You walk down and open the door to Brittany's room. It's as sexy and cute as you could imagine. There's a large bed and a bulky lava lamp, casting orange and red tinges lighting the room. There are some music posters on the wall and some cartoon pictures of animals. You walk to the bedside table and you spot the only picture in the house it seems, it's a very old picture of what looks like a young Brittany, she can't be any older than ten. A brown haired man and blonde woman with bright blue eyes are standing behind her smiling. You guess it's her parents. You smile a little and look back down at Brittany, even as a kid she looks mischievous yet good-natured.

You go across to a large chest of drawers and open the top one. You chew your lip a little as you see a colorful array of panties and bra's. OK so you guess since she doesn't have pajamas she won't really have a designated drawer for them. You laugh a little when toward the back you see a red scarf with ducks on them and you just know Brittany made it herself. Ugh. You want know why she likes to make clothes, you want to maybe one day just sit down and watch her do it too. OK whatever. You move the scarf to see if there are any tops you can wear and a black box catches your eye. Glancing back to the door you let your curiosity win and bring it out a little and slide open the lid.

"Holy shit" you breathe out as your heart stops.

It's a strap on. You put your hand around the black harness and lift it up out the box; the phallus is a deep purple color. You just stare at it in wonder. You really don't understand these things, you imagine yourself in it and you just look fucking awkward, what's the point in them anyway, how can they possibly be sexy? Your cheeks flush a little though when you picture Brittany wearing it under that baggy shirt she has on and nothing else. Fuck. Whatever. You find everything Brittany does sexy so this is no different. You're just being weird. Put it the fuck back and don't go through her shit again.

You close the lid and try putting it back exactly where it was. You don't get it though, women who like being with other women would see them as pointless right? Whatever. You have no idea why you're still thinking about it and you have no idea why you literally can't get the mental image of Brittany in one of them out your mind.

Whatever.

Just find something to wear.

Think about something else.

Eventually you take your clothes off, fold them into a neat pile and put them on top of the dresser. You've found a white tank top with grey baggy jogging pants, they're a bit big for you but they'll do. You hear a gentle knock on the door.

"Santana, can I come in?" Brittany's voice comes through quietly.

You glance quickly at the mirror to check yourself and you make sure that drawer is shut before you reply, "Uh yeah, come in"

You're so nervous.

She comes walking in chewing her lip bashfully and in the light the lava lamp is providing her eyes look pretty as ever.

"Kurt's sleeping, do you want to go to bed or…? I mean we could stay up and do something if you want-"

"No, no," you interject and you're so nervous your stomach is spinning. "I'm quite tired actually"

"OK, me too" she smiles and walks over to the bed. "Any side you prefer?"

You shrug awkwardly, "Not really"

She giggles then sighs "Oh well I'll take this side", she's at the right hand side of the bed and she climbs under the covers. You walk around to the other side and you realize the lava lamp is shining at this side. Fuck. If you're going to sleep you're going to have to face inwards toward her. You wonder maybe if you should ask to turn it off but maybe she's afraid of the dark or something. You smile a little. That would be cute if she were.

You climb in bed and turn to face her. She blinks slowly at you and gives you a tired smile. You can't help but smile back. She's so beautiful.

"You should spend your Sunday with me tomorrow" Brittany says quietly, moving her head further up the pillow.

"I don't know," you sigh unsurely, "I usually just do nothing with Sam" you laugh a little.

"Do nothing with me instead" she says and her smile is gone but her eyes are darting all over your face hopefully.

"OK" you agree. Fuck. You really can't say no to her can you?

She gives a contented smile, "awesome, goodnight Santana"

You yawn before mumbling "goodnight Britt"

The following morning you wake up feeling like it was the best sleep you'd had in ages, which is saying something because your sleep has been broken and shitty most of the time recently. Brittany makes you and Kurt French toast and it's so tasty, it's the best thing you've had in ages. You panic a little when Kurt says his goodbyes because he and Blaine are going to see a movie. You almost want to go with him because you can't be alone with her. He leaves though, and Brittany goes through to change clothes.

A few minutes later she comes through with another pair of overalls on with a white tank top underneath. Fuck. These ones are different though; they have black stains all over them.

"What are you doing?" you can't help but smile at her.

"Sorry, I totally forgot I said I'd help fix my neighbours car today"

"Oh" you say disappointed, "well I guess I should just go then"

You're kind of sad but kind of relieved.

"No, you don't have to" she smiles at you and brings over her boots. She sits down across from you on the sofa and begins tying her laces. "How about you come down, keep me company, then we can come back up and do whatever"

"Down where?" you ask.

"Oh, tenants of this building have their own garages in a private garage lot behind the apartment building, so just come down, no one will see us, I mean look what I'm wearing" she grins at you.

You laugh a little thinking she could wear a trash bag and still look good.

"C'mon," she whines a little and pouts at you. "It's not a big repair job or anything, it won't take long"

She needs to stop doing cute things like that.

"Fine," you sigh and cant help but laugh at how ecstatic she looks.

Everything seems to give her joy, even simple things, but especially you. You have no idea why a pessimistic, sarcastic bitch like yourself would cause her to smile but for some reason you do.

10 minutes later and Brittany's walked you out of the building, down the side path to a garage lot at the back. It's a long alleyway with garage doors on both sides and at the far end. There's only one garage door opened and one person here. An overweight man comes walking out from behind a car and over to you and Brittany.

"Hey , I can take a look at your car now" Brittany smiles.

She's so fucking nice and polite. You'll never be like her.

"Thanks a lot Brittany, I owe ya," the man says in a broad New York accent "listen, any time you need one of my wife's home-made lasagnas or anything at all, you just come callin' OK?" he grins and shakes her hand.

"OK," Brittany giggles "but it's really no problem"

"I gotta go and open shop, see ya later Brittany, and whoever you might be pretty lady" he says and nods at you.

You smile weakly back but as soon as he's walking away you turn around to Brittany and roll your eyes.

"Don't," she says, her eyes glinting at you mischievously "whatever you're about to say don't, it'll be mean"

You laugh a little and raise your hands like you've been caught. "You got me, but for you I'll be nice, see? I don't think you realize how much I do for you"

"Really?" Brittany smirks amused as she walks into the garage and brings out a skateboard, dumping it down next to the blue car you assume needs fixed. "I'd love to see how much I could test that"

You swallow thickly and the way she's looking at you makes you feel giddy and nervous. "Please," you roll your eyes playfully "just because I'm nicer around you doesn't mean I'd do anything"

"Oh the things I'd make you do though Santana" she smirks at you devilishly and you've pretty much lost the ability to speak. She giggles and walks over to the white garage door next to the open one, takes out a key and unlocks it.

"What are you doing?" you ask curiously, needing to shift the topic to something less likely to make you go insane.

"This is my garage, just need to get a few things," she says as her arms stretch above her raising the garage door right open.

You peak inside. The garage is full of old dog toys and shelves and shelves of tools. Right in the middle is a shiny red motorbike you recognize. She comes out with a flashlight and sits on the skateboard on the ground.

"So you just fix shit for free?" you ask kneeling on the ground beside her.

She smiles and nods.

You narrow your eyes at her, "Why though? You're not that perfect"

She giggles and shyly throws her hair back over her shoulder. "I'm not perfect Santana, if someone I know has something wrong with their car or some other thing I can fix, I'll do it for free, besides repair shops nowadays, especially in todays economy, totally rip you off, especially women" she informs you.

Fuck, she's so cute and considerate and smart and you're really running out of nice things to think about her. Maybe you should try saying them instead.

"Well," you say quietly and scoot a little closer to her, "If that's the case then I think you're the most selfless person I've ever met"

She breathes in a little and you watch with delight as her cheeks go a little red and even the tip of her ear you can see. "Uhm, thanks" she bats her eyelashes are you and you're both submerged into a brief silence. "I'm just going to look under the car"

"OK" you breathe shakily at her, still mesmerized by how beautiful she looks when flattered.

You lean against the car and watch the lower half of her body twist a little, you're kind of worried she's under a heavy piece of metal right now; you wouldn't want it to flatten her pretty face.

"Oh, it's nothing" you hear her say, her voice muffled a little. "the splash guard just needs replacing"

You have no idea what she's talking about but you're glad just to be in her company. She can talk about whatever she wanted and you'd still listen eagerly.

"Hey Brittany?" you call to her, as your eyes fall on the red bike in the garage.

"Yeah?"

Kurt thinks your life is vanilla huh? You'll show him.

"Think you can teach me how to ride?" you smirk.

"Motorbike?" she asks surprised.

"Yeah," you laugh a little. "I mean just the basics at first, I don't think I'm ready to drive one yet"

"Sure OK, oh this will be fun," she squeals in excitement and you laugh watching her feet flail about. She rolls back out from under the car and grins up at you. Her arms a little dirty and she has a black spot on her forehead.

You smile down at her and before you can stop your self you place the pad of your thumb across the stain and rub it gently away. Her skin is so smooth. You quickly jerk your hand away though.

Her face drops as she looks silently up at you, "thanks" she breathes and begins to form a smile.

You smile back down at her and just shrug.

"I'll teach you the basics now if you like," she says sitting up and rubbing her back.

You wonder if it's sore, you think you'd happily rub it for her. Yeah. That's not gay or anything you just want to touch her and help her and maybe hug her. That's all.

"Then when you're ready you can practice on the ranch, its kind of perfect for driving over there"

"Good idea" you smile at her.

Fuck. You're kind of scared now, you want to impress her but the thought of riding a fast vehicle scares the shit out of you.

You hear someone's shoes against the ground and you look over to the entrance pathway, a woman wearing stylish black shorts and a black sweater is walking toward you both. You narrow your eyes and realize it's that Rachel woman you seen singing last night.

"Uh Britt, I think you have a visitor"

"Oh," Brittany beams and stands up and runs a little to the other woman.

You hear Rachel's laugh as Brittany wraps her arms around her waist and spin her around. They are both laughing like idiots and you think Rachel's laugh is probably the most annoying you've ever fucking heard.

Suddenly this Sunday doesn't seem so awesome.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" Brittany smirks at her as you walk over to them. "Oh, Santana this is my friend Rachel, Rachel Berry – this is Santana"

"Hi" she smiles politely at you but you can instantly tell she's annoyed by your presence by the look in her eye. She's a good actress; you'll give her that.

"Hey" you smile back a little.

Rachel Berry? What the fuck kind of name is Berry anyway?

"You've probably already heard of me," she says obnoxiously to you, "I'm a big star on Broadway"

You nod a little but say nothing. You already hate the little midgets guts.

"I just wanted to pop in and ask if you wanted to maybe get some cocktails sometime soon?" Rachel turns to Brittany and ignores you. The way she says cocktails makes it seem like it's a code word for something else.

You see her eyes flutter downwards and her arm extends, tracing her fingers under Brittany's elbow and down her forearm.

Brittany's just standing there giggling like a schoolgirl.

Fuck this.

Your initial instinct was right, these two have definitely fucked and you feel sick. It's worse than when you seen Brittany with Teddy because these two clearly have a history, but more than that she's another woman, and for some reason you feel more threatened by that fact.

You cross you arms and look down, trying awkwardly to remain part of conversation. You don't fucking like this one bit.

"OK, I'll call you," Brittany smiles back. "You sure that's all you wanted?" Brittany giggles.

"Yes" Rachel beams and her eyes flicker to you.

If looks could fucking kill.

You get the feeling she really doesn't like you and she doesn't even know you.

"I have a meeting to go to with my management but my driver was passing by this place anyway, so I thought I'd check if you were home, I really should go though, I think he's parked illegally"

They both laugh and you wish they'd shut the fuck up.

Rachel leans up and kisses Brittany on both cheeks like they've done it a million times before. "I'll see you later sexy, OK?" she winks at Brittany and skips off without even acknowledging you.

Fucking Berry.

Brittany watches her leave and turns around toward you, her smile falls a little and she runs the back of her hand across her brow. "Do I still have dirt on my face?" she asks, scrunching up her nose.

You smile as much as you are able to right now and shake your head.

"OK, good" she sighs relieved. "You can wait inside the garage and I'll show you the basics on the bike, I'm just going to replace the splash guard, it'll only take a minute"

"OK" you turn quickly and head inside. You need to get away from her and you need to erase what the hell you just seen.

Everything sucks.

A few minutes later you watch mesmerized as Brittany comes walking in, slightly dirty with oil and she's cleaning the grease off her hands with a cloth. You chew your lip as you watch her toned arms move with each movement. You had no idea you were this good at spotting detail, but you seem to soak in every one of hers.

Her eyelids rise slowly and she's looking right at you.

You let go of your bottom lip and try to appear nonchalant. "So, are you going to show me or what?" you ask, inclining your head to the red motorbike propped in the middle of the garage.

She smirks at you for a second and you feel like the silence is driving you mad.

"Get on" she says lowly.

Fuck.

She's looking at you and her eyes are darker and her voice is lower and she looks so fucking sexy you can't stand it.

"Get on" she says again, and it comes out more like a demand.

You clench your stomach and think you'd happily drink gasoline and set yourself on fire right now if she asked you like that again. You walk up to the motorcycle and place a hand on the leather seat.

"If I go on it, isn't it going to tip over or something?" you ask, eyeing it nervously.

Brittany gives a short laugh and you look across to her. Blue eyes are watching you with amusement but also with something else you can't place. She's making you nervous.

"You see that little thing popping out at the side?" she nods her head down by the right silver pedal. "That's called the kickstand, it's propping the bike up as we speak. The bike doesn't magically defy gravity and sit up right, it doesn't fly either, I already tried" she smirks.

Well fuck. She has a certain way of making you feel like an ignorant piece of shit sometimes. You'd normally bite her head off by now, but she's Brittany and for some reason you don't have the ability to talk back. Or you do, you just don't use it.

"Right," you sigh nervously. "You're sure it won't topple over?"

Brittany rolls her eyes and sighs. She throws away the cloth to the side and comes up to stand on the opposite side of the motorbike. "No, but I'll catch you if for some weird reason it does"

That thought really does nothing to settle your nerves.

"Santana, you're not even going to be riding the bike, just practising, stop being such a wuss"

You frown at her, "am not" you mumble, your pride hurt a little.

"Are too" she smirks back.

"OK, so how do I like…get on?"

"You mount her silly" Brittany giggles.

Your head snaps up at her and you feel your cheeks grow warm. You really don't need to hear a sentence like that leave her pretty mouth after what you found in her top drawer last night.

She cocks her head to the side and her eyes narrow like she's trying to figure out why you've suddenly gone quiet. Before she fucking reads your mind you take a deep breath, grab the handles and swing a leg over.

"See? It didn't topple"

"Yeah, yeah" you sigh. You shift a little and get used to the feeling of sitting on the bike. It seems larger somehow. There are breaks and levers and pedals and you haven't a fucking clue what any of it does apart from the mirrors.

Brittany lifts the material on her overalls leg up and jumps on behind you.

"W-what are you doing?" you freak out because she moved the bike a little, but mostly because the seat is sloped so her body has slid down and is now pressing against yours at the back. You feel her breasts against your back again and you shudder slightly at how familiar the feeling is.

"Relax," she coos and she perches her chin on your shoulder as her arms come around and grab the handles.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Your hearts pounding in your ears, she's so damn close and you feel the warmth of her body and the tickle of her hair over your shoulders.

She moves her right hand and turns the key in the ignition to ON. "Don't worry, it'll run in fast idle" she says before pressing the on button. You have no idea what the fuck she's talking about, but her saying 'don't worry' just makes you worry more.

You instantly jump a little as the motor roars and the engine starts thrumming beneath you.

Brittany giggles but it doesn't stop your heart from bouncing all over the place.

"Now, riding a bike is different, you actually switch gears with your left foot" she says in your ear.

You're quite sure that anything she says right now isn't sinking in at all.

"That lever by your left foot, you move that up or down to change gears but I wouldn't do that because you'll take us out of neutral"

You nod and decide to feign interest because the insides of your thighs are being tickled by the thrumming of the motor and the seat is vibrating a little. Having Brittany's body, once again, pressed up behind you - you realize you're beginning to enjoy this a little _too_ much.

"What's that?" you ask instead pointing at a thing that looks like a clutch. You need a fucking distraction.

"The clutch" Brittany laughs.

"Oh," you breathe.

Brittany wiggles her middle and forefinger to drag your attention to the handle. "This is the brake," she says tapping the metallic bar in front of the handle. "Annnd this," she says tapping the handle, "is the throttle handle that gasses the engine"

You just nod dumbly, your whole body stiff. You think you've gone into a catatonic state or something.

"But I know you're not really listening to a word I say, are you?" she sighs mischievously in your ear, and you feel the side of her face brush against your cheek.

Fuck.

"I...I am" you say shakily.

She laughs in your ear and her breath ghosts over your skin. "If you move forward a little, it'll feel really good" she almost whispers into your ear.

"I…I….what?" you play dumb and your cheeks are burning red.

"Shift forward to the edge of the seat" she says, and before you can even do anything she rolls her hips forward into yours, scooting you forward.

"H-h-h-holy fuck…shit" you gasp and try find something to grasp onto.

The very front of the leather seat vibrates harder than the rest and your sex is pressed right up against it.

"Brittany I…I… this is-"

"Ssh" she hushes you quiet and presses her hips into you again so you're pressing even harder down onto the vibrations. "You'll feel good, trust me"

You want to get off and run the fuck away and you can't believe she's doing this yet you stay. You fucking stay as you feel your clit throb and burn and the back of your neck is clammy with sweat. She's just there on your shoulder watching you torturously. You gasp again as Brittany moves her left hand and palms against your stomach, almost as if she's trying to keep you upright. Her touch sets your body alight.

"Fuck…" you gasp breathlessly.

You feel warmth and wetness pool in your underwear.

"See the throttle handle? If I twist it toward us, it'll feel even better"

You don't have the opportunity to ask her to elaborate when you see her twist the handle and the engine revs again.

You let out a loud sound that could only be described as a cross between a squeal and a moan.

The seat is now pulsating faster and harder against you. You can almost hear your wetness smack against the seat with every thud.

Your lungs are struggling for air as you gasp and your eyes roll back. You feel shame and desire course through your veins. Eventually the vibrations slow down to what they were again. You watch in anticipation as you see her twist the handle again, this time however she just drags it slowly backward, her wrist applying little pressure, and it only makes the seat pulsate a little.

She giggles deliciously low in your ear.

The pit of your stomach is on fire when you realize she's teasing you. She's fucking teasing you.

"You want me to go faster?" she asks lowly.

You think you're about to fucking faint because your head lulls back into her shoulder and she tightens the grip on your abs. You can't even fucking hide it any more. She's got you in her palm.

"Yes," you hiss wantonly, your breath puffing against her hair as you try twist your neck toward her. You want to fucking kiss her right now.

"Please" you gasp with embarrassing desperation.

She twists the handle fast toward you and you see stars. You're so wet that your panties and even the baggy pants you have on are sticking to you uncomfortably as the leather vibrates against your folds. You're so close you start grinding down onto the seat desperately. Your hands are sweating and you can't even feel your fucking legs. All you hear is her heavy breath in your ear and the pounding of your heart. It's going almost as fast as the engine. Fuck.

You realize you're rocking backwards into her but you don't care, you just need this release.

"Oh my god…I'm gonna…gonna…" you gasp and your voice is uneven and vibrating around in your throat. You hear it echo around the walls.

"By the way" Brittany husks in your ear. "I seen the way you were looking at Rachel, you are so hot when you're jealous"

"Brittany" her name rattles out from the back of your throat.

She sees right through you.

You gasp as she revs the engine once more and the timing between each thud of the material against your wet sex is literally nanoseconds. Your breathing hitches as you gasp and go tumbling over the edge. Your legs shake and your body flails around in ecstasy. Strong arms somehow manage to keep you steady. Your stomach flips as you feel the blood rush to your head, you feel yourself coming and you almost feel like you're about to burst a vein in your temple. It's so hot you can't breathe.

"Ugh…" you moan again and the engine is still vibrating against you. You're so sensitive it's too much to handle.

"Off…switch it off...before...before I fucking explode" you gasp, your arms trying to bend backwards to clutch at Brittany desperately.

Brittany quickly switches the button and turns the keys in the ignition.

The engine dies down and you're plunged into silence. All you can hear is your heart pounding against your ribcage as you sit leaning back against Brittany, panting frantically for air. Some of your hair is sticking to your scalp because you've been sweating so much.

You sit that way for at least a minute and you're still panting. She isn't saying anything to you and you feel so fucking embarrassed.

You slide off the bike and you collapse to the floor as your legs are like jelly.

"Careful" Brittany speaks eventually and she's hopping off the bike too.

"Don't touch me" you say quickly and scramble backwards on the floor, eventually hitting the wall. You're still panting; your sex and your ass feel numb. "You…you…had no right to do that"

Brittany crosses her arms and looks down at you curiously. "You weren't exactly trying to escape," she says.

She's seriously the oddest person you've ever met.

"I…that's not the point," you bite back, "oh my god, I feel like I've had a fucking affair or something" you say quickly with panic as you feel guilt lurch around in your stomach.

"With a motorbike?" Brittany snorts.

"This isn't funny" you snap at her and place a hand over your heart, it's still pounding away, you're worried that it hasn't at least slowed down by now. "Brittany you said you'd never initiate anything"

"I _didn't_" she says and slumps down in front of you. "This was just glorified masturbation" she shrugs and smirks at you.

You'd laugh if you were in any other mood right now. You feel like kissing her or slapping her. You also feel like crying and getting the hell out this garage with what little dignity you have left.

"You can't do anything like that ever again, you hear me?" you tell her seriously. "Promise me you won't ever do that again"

"OK, you're right," and you watch the life leave her eyes a little. She looks down. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again," she says and pouts a little at the floor, "I guess I was being a little selfish, I mean, I know I won't ever get to be with you in that way or at all so that was like the closest I was ever going to get. Sorry, I shouldn't have did that," she divulges quietly.

Fuck.

She looks like a broken person and your heart suddenly stops beating erratically and decides to sink instead.

"Brittany," you say, your voice still shaking uncontrollably. "I do have…feelings…for you OK?"

Shit.

Her head snaps up and her eyes are shining again, she still looks sad though. Her mouth gapes open a little and she's watching your lips move with intense concentration.

"I'm confused," you say quietly.

Well, at least you took Kurt's advice.

"I…I have all these feelings for you that I haven't had before, especially for another woman and I…I don't know what to do about them OK? I'm not sure I'll ever figure them out, and I'm too scared to admit them or act on them, I have Sam, I've always had Sam…he's…" you trail not really knowing what else to say.

"I know" she nods and she chews the inside of her cheek. "I wish things were different"

You open your mouth to agree but then you realize what that would imply.

"This is just a phase, right?" you laugh nervously at her instead.

She looks at you sympathetically and sighs. "It seems we have a lot to talk about in our next session Santana, I think we should rearrange Tuesday's appointment so it's just after your work, if you're OK with that?"

"Yeah, you work after five?" you ask, and you can't actually believe you are both having a relatively normal conversation after what you just did.

"No, but I'll stretch my hours for you" she smirks at you.

"You don't have to do that" you find yourself smiling sheepishly back.

"I insist" she beams back.

Well fuck. You're flattered.

"I should uh, go home, it's probably for the best" you sigh as you stand up and your legs still feel weak. Your underwear is clinging awkwardly to you and you suddenly feel very dirty. An ice cold bath would do right about now.

She stands up after you and nods in agreement.

"I'll just go get my stuff and leave"

She nods again and points her thumb behind her. "I could give you a ride?" she smirks.

You roll your eyes and blush. You know she's kidding but at the same time you'd know she'd gladly give you a ride home. "No," you laugh a little and lick your lips, your throat is so damn dry, "I don't think I'll be able to ever look at that thing the same way again"

She giggles and puts her hands in her pockets.

You sigh at her and your stomach is feeling all fuzzy again. What the hell is this? Will the feelings ever just stop? You need them to fucking stop, even if just to think for a damn minute.

"D-do you do that…often?" you ask awkwardly, looking toward the motorbike.

She giggles and shakes her head.

"Liar" you smirk at her and lean back against the wall.

"No really, I don't" she says as she runs her tongue playfully along her front teeth. "I've been riding for years so I'm kinda used to it, I just get numbness really, I should be envious of you" she smirks.

You look down and try to conceal your blush; you also try not to mentally visualize Brittany in the throes of climax on her bike. That would be gay and you're not.

"I-I wasn't jealous" you feel the need to tell her. Even though it's a lie.

"Huh?" she tilts her head to the side like a confused puppy.

Ugh. You hate how cute she is.

"About Rachel," you elaborate and ignore the churning in your stomach, "I'm not jealous or anything, I'm not a lesbian either, I can't be, I'd know"

Brittany purses her lips and you can't tell if she's about to sigh sadly or burst out laughing.

"OK" she says simply instead, her face blank.

"No, really, I'm not" you insist.

"Yup, OK" she nods.

You're fucking annoyed now because you know, even though you can't exactly tell by looking at her, that she doesn't believe you.

"I have nothing against gay people or anything like that," you say. Oh god, why the fuck are you still talking? "I'm just not…"

"So you've said," Brittany says with a grim smile.

She fucking doesn't believe you.

"Don't look at me like that," you say to her feeling annoyed.

"Like what?"

"Like you don't fucking believe me"

She laughs a little and scuffs her boot along the floor, "that's just your own paranoia Santana, I haven't said anything to indicate I don't believe you"

"I…I can just tell OK?" you snap at her and fold your arms in a huff. "I'm leaving now"

"Yup" she says again and makes a popping sound with her lips.

She's so fucking cute and annoying and you want to slap her. You hate her. You can't deal with her.

"Ok well whatever," you roll your eyes and walk out the garage, you hear her follow behind you. You don't need to convince her of anything, she's fucking crazy. You're not gay. You're just confused and you were big enough to admit it right? You're just confused, that's all. It's not as if you walk around and gape at other women, it's just her, so really it's her that's confused you. None of this would have happened if you didn't meet her.

You're just confused.

"I wasn't jealous either" you point at her and walk away toward the far end of the garage lot.

She just watches you leave.

"You totally were though" you hear her voice quietly from behind you.

You stop in your tracks and she giggles. She's laughing at you again and you feel your stomach flutter with annoyance and wooziness. Whatever. Fuck her. You bite your tongue and walk away with your head held high. You'll be mature for a change. Besides you aren't jealous.

You really aren't jealous.

Really.

Not at all.

You're just confused.


	8. Something Stupid

**Chapter 8 – Something Stupid**

"Jesus fucking Christ you moron"

"I-I-I'm sorry ma'am, I'm new here" the coffee man looks at you in alarm over the counter. He looks foreign, and you're pretty certain he sounds Italian. He scratches his brow and his bushy moustache practically quivers in fear.

You must have some pretty fucking awesome death stare.

You and Quinn are both in the line at Starbucks and it's Tuesday but you don't see Brittany till after your work so your mood is not going to be great anyway, but you're especially pissed off right now, this moron has gotten your order wrong _twice_.

Quinn grabs the side of your arm, "relax Santana," she says trying to calm you, "you'll get your coffee"

"I. Want. A. Peppermint. Mocha" you state slowly to him, pounding your hand on your palm with each syllable. "Not a Caramel Brulée or a Peppermint Frappuccino, which FYI is a totally different thing"

A blonde woman comes over and gives you your order, "sorry about the inconvenience, please have this on the house as our means of apology"

"_Thank you_," you say exasperated.

"You are a very mean woman," the Italian man growls at you.

"Huh, is that right _gilipollas?_" you give a short laugh. "You can suck my dick for all I care Mario" you turn around and quickly walk away to one of the tables, making sure you flip him your middle finger over your shoulder as you go.

You're especially crabby because for the last two nights you've lost sleep thinking about Brittany. Most of your stray thoughts end up reliving the scene in her garage all over again and it saddens you. You're not sure if you are aroused by it, OK you are, but mostly it just unsettles you. You need to get her out of your head.

"Nice sweater" Quinn snorts at you as you walk toward your table.

"Fuck off," you snarl at her. Yeah, you're wearing the lizard sweater again but it's cold out and you love it. Big fucking deal. It's awesome.

"Lord, Santana what is _up _with you today? Are you on your period or something?" Quinn asks as you both sit down. "Seriously, what is wrong, and don't say it's the coffee order I can tell it's a lot more than that"

Fuck.

You blink at her and again you are debating whether or not to tell her about everything, last time you held out because you hadn't really admitted to yourself how you felt about Brittany. Now though things are different, if only slightly, OK, you like Brittany but you're not gay, you can't be and you've pretty much admitted out loud to Brittany you like her too, although you're pretty sure the blonde already knew anyway. Why not tell Quinn? Truth is you're quite scared really. She's either going to think you're a freak or laugh at you, but you feel yourself slowly going crazy so you need to tell someone.

You take a deep breath and look at her, "Quinn, I need to tell you something and I need you to promise you won't freak out, or judge me"

Quinn's hazel eyes go wide, "OK Santana spill it because you are really starting to scare me"

You run your finger along your lip in thought, thinking of how to even put everything into words.

"I…I think I…OK I have feelings for someone who isn't Sam" you state and scrunch your face up awaiting the backlash.

You watch as Quinn's mouth drops slowly open and instead of drinking her coffee she puts it back down again and stares at you in disbelief.

"OK," she says slowly, narrowing her eyes at you, "let's just be rational here, I mean you've been with Sam since high school right? Having a crush is totally-"

"It's not crush," you interrupt her, at least of that you are certain, "it's a full-blown feelings thing, like completely drowning in feelings and can't stop thinking about them and I feel fucking sick most of the time"

"A-are you serious? Maybe that's your depression or something"

You scoff, "ironically I'm only happy recently when I'm with…" you trail because you're almost scared to say 'her' out loud.

"Who is he? Is it someone I know?" Quinn asks nervously.

You cringe. Fuck.

"It's not…I mean…It's Brittany" you say quickly and your hand clenches around your cup so damn tightly.

"Brittany?" Quinn repeats slowly as you watch her face contort with confusion. She looks at you then laughs a little. "No seriously Santana, tell me who it is"

You shoot her a look that you hope conveys you are deadly serious and scared as fuck. Quinn's eye's go wide when she realizes you are serious. "Oh," she says silently, "so you're…?"

"I don't know, I'm confused, I mean…yeah…but it's only Brittany I feel this way with and I don't know, I'm still trying to figure things out."

"How long have you known? I mean how did this happen? When? Why?" she asks and she laughs a little like she's dumbfounded. "What about Sam? What are you going to do? Have you been having an affair or something?" she frowns at you.

"No," you say waving your hand dismissively and you feel relief seep out your body, for some reason the other woman isn't totally freaking out on you and you're thankful. "I would never do that to Sam, at least, I don't think I would…"

She frowns at you more deeply, "I always thought you and Sam were perfect for each other" she says like her whole view of you as a person has just changed.

"We are!" you insist but the words just don't ring true leaving your mouth. "Maybe this is nothing, I don't know"

"Do you love her?" Quinn asks.

Your heart stops.

"I-I…I…haven't thought about that I mean, we've not known each other long…" you trail and get lost in your thoughts. You feel cold all of a sudden. Are you in love with her?

"She's your counselor though, isn't that inappropriate? What am I saying? You are getting married in like 9 weeks, that makes it even more inappropriate!"

You suddenly feel like Quinn's your fucking mother and she is giving you a lecture over something you haven't even done. Well, scratch that, there's no way your mother would care half as much as Quinn does.

"We haven't done anything! Technically…"

Quinn quirks an eyebrow at you and she finally feels comfortable enough with the conversation to start drinking her coffee.

"We haven't even kissed but she said she likes me and, well, I like her" you say and you kind of choke on your own words. Hearing your own voice say it out loud makes it somehow all the more real. "I really, really like her" you add miserably.

"How much?"

"How much do I like Brittany?" you repeat and she nods as confirmation. You can't even help the big smile that you feel spreading across your lips. "Ugh, Britt, she's so…"

"Britt now is it?" Quinn gives a sarky laugh.

"I, whatever" you roll your eyes and feel embarrassed. "She's just so awesome you know? Like in my counseling sessions she makes me think about things differently but then she's kind of different when she's not in her work mode and she's just even more awesome. She's so smart and funny and fucking magical and ugh she likes to fix things, and she has this cute dog, oh and did I say she was smart? Cause she's smart, like totally, but then she says the strangest things and she just reminds me of an excited kid, and god when she looks at me with those eyes I-"

You stop talking when Quinn's laugh interrupts you.

"What?" you frown confused.

Quinn shakes her head in resignation, "I just can't believe this is happening," she says laughing.

"What?" you repeat and begin to feel annoyed.

"You've got it bad, huh?" she smirks at you.

"N-n-no I don't I'm just…she's just my friend and I'm just confused I mean…no…it will pass" you stutter out.

You're really starting to not believe this will pass though, you've been telling yourself for at least the last two weeks the feelings will pass yet they just seem to multiply every time you see her.

"This can't end well Santana," Quinn sighs despondently at you, "she could lose her job, you could lose Sam, not to mention she owns the ranch and there would be terrible implications all round if anybody ever found out"

"Find out what?" you ask annoyed. "We haven't done anything!"

"_Yet_" she says shortly.

You open your mouth to argue but the truth is you've found your resolve weaken and weaken every time you're around Brittany. You were going to kiss her in her garage on Sunday; it was just the angle preventing you, not your own conscience. Which makes you a fucking terrible soon-to-be-wife. You've never ever thought about kissing anyone else but Sam before, never mind a woman.

"Brittany says she would never initiate anything between us," you say quietly.

"That's all well and good Santana," Quinn says beginning to sound impatient, "but the question is, would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Initiate anything with Brittany?"

You stare at her and your hearts beating a little more annoyingly faster than usual. "N-no, of course not" you try and scoff but you don't think Quinn buys it. You don't think you do either.

"I don't know what to do" you sigh glumly, "I feel so trapped and out of control, I don't even know who I am any more, I'm going through a fucking mid life crisis in my twenties"

"OK, calm down Santana and think" Quinn says to you calmly and you can tell she's trying to make you feel better. "Do you still want to be with Sam?"

"Yeah, I think so" you chew your lip uncertainly. "It's just, when I'm with her I feel so…she makes me feel so" you sigh fondly and you can't even put into words how she makes you feel. "Everything is just so fucked up, when I'm with her I never want to leave and when I'm not with her I miss her so much. Like last night Sam and I were lying hugging on the sofa watching TV like usual and I closed my eyes and I just imagined what if he were Brittany? The thought alone just made me smile"

"Wow," Quinn breathes. "You fell hard and fast didn't you?"

You blink and look away, your stomach is churning with elation and guilt and you feel like crying but you can't. You just need to hold out and wait till you're alone then you can cry. That's what you usually do. "I do want her to be in my life, I do" you say quietly, "I just can't take so much of her, then again I can't take not being around her either, what am I going to do?"

Quinn gives you a look, a mixture between awkward and sympathy. "Honestly Santana? I have no idea, but, I will say that considering how quickly you developed feelings for Brittany, maybe they'll go away just as quickly and you two can be friends? I mean, you've been with Sam for years; he deserves you to at least give your relationship a shot. Maybe this Brittany thing will pass"

You nod a little, her words giving you a glimmer of hope. You both say your goodbyes, as you need to get back to work. Once you're back at your desk you stare at your computer screen and Quinn's words are replaying over and over in you head. Maybe this Brittany thing will pass.

What if it _doesn't _though?

The rest of the day drags in slowly and it's not until you head out your work place that you turn to go down your usual route home and you suddenly remember you're going the wrong way. It's not that you've forgotten Brittany; it's more like you've forgotten your routine because you've been thinking about Brittany so much.

You're already in the elevator on the way up to see Brittany and your stomach is stirring nervously. You're always so damn nervous when you go to see her. Your phone startles you when it starts to ring; you fetch it out your purse and see that it's Sam calling you.

"Hey" you smile into your phone and try breathe evenly so your nerves will disappear.

"Hey babe, I hope I've caught you just before your session"

"Yeah, I'm on my way up now actually, but I have time to talk" you say as the elevator makes the familiar binging noise and opens. You walk out and stand by the window looking down onto the streets of New York City.

"No it's nothing important," comes Sam's voice. "I just wanted to tell you that Finn needs help clearing stuff out his garage-"

Sam continues to talk but as soon as you heard the word garage your mind goes blank. You're hearing him speak to you but the words aren't processing. You see Brittany's smirk in your mind and almost feel her giggle at your side. You feel your body tense.

"Sorry Sam, what did you say? I kinda zoned out there"

He laughs down the phone and you feel your stomach pang with guilt.

"Finn needs me to help clear out his garage so I'll just catch a burger with him, I just wanted to phone and say don't bother making me dinner, I won't be home till late"

"Oh OK" you sigh. You suppose this is a good thing, maybe you can go around to Quinn's and talk some more. There is so much you need to talk about after all.

"I gotta go, I'll see you later babe, love you"

You open your mouth but it's like you've suddenly forgotten how to echo those words back. You just stutter and blink and kind of panic.

"Santana? You there?"

"I-I love you too, bye," you stammer quickly and hang up.

Fuck. What the hell was that? You've said you love Sam to him a million times before but now you suddenly feel uncomfortable saying it. You walk down the corridor and round the corner and you're met with Kurt's mannerly smile. He's standing at his desk and putting things into a bag.

"Hey Santana," he smiles at you as he leans over and unplugs the computer.

"Hey, you finished work for today then?" you ask absent-mindedly, your mind still reeling at what just happened.

"Yep, going to go home and soak myself in a nice hot bath" Kurt says smiling to you as he gathers the rest of his things and is heading toward the elevator.

"Sounds nice, good night" you smile at him.

He gives you a little wave in return.

You walk along to room 47 and open the door. Your nerves start multiplying even more but you give the usual smile to Brittany. She's sitting on the chair; she's wearing sneakers, baggy pants and a tank top with a light blue hoodie over it. You see the light of the room bounce of the sweat on her brow and collarbone and she looks like she just got here from the gym or something. She looks very normal today, you don't know if you like it or not.

"Thought you said you didn't go to the gym" you smirk at her as you close the door and sit down on your usual spot on the sofa.

She smiles coyly back at you, "I wasn't at the gym, I go jogging. My last appointment was at half three so I had time to kill, besides we have a lot to talk about and I doubt we'll be able to cover all of it in this session, maybe not even a quarter of it"

You skew your mouth, "I told you that you shouldn't have bent your hours to suit me, we should have just spoken at lunch like usual"

"I'm flexible" she smirks and her eyes dance around your face, momentarily stopping at your lips.

Fuck. You let out a low laugh and just shake your head; she's really going to kill you one of these days.

She talks to you for a while about your childhood, which is weird because she's never asked before and besides there's not much to tell. She quickly moves onto the subject of Sam and how you met in high school, again you rehash over details that you think are boring and are irrelevant, but she seems to listen intently enough.

"I'm just trying to build up an image in my head of your relationship" Brittany says resting her arm on the armrest and her head on her hand. "I can't help but feel there is just something fundamentally wrong with your dynamic"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" you frown and cross your arms.

"I don't know," Brittany sighs and it takes you by surprise. "I feel like there's something lacking in your relationship but it's more of a general feeling than a specific thing. Anyway, I'm thinking out loud. I said last week that we would look into ways of improving your sex life with Sam and I think for this week we should focus on that only, what do you think it is that's caused it to decline recently?"

You chew your lip nervously and begin fidgeting with your hands. "Like I said I don't know, people lose their sex drive all the time, my mood and sleep isn't helping so" you shrug.

"Oh?" Brittany says surprised. "That didn't stop you from coming all over my motorbike seat"

Your stomach leaps up to your damn throat as your heart stops. You blink at her and she just smiles at you politely. Her words echo awkwardly around the room.

"Uh…" you splutter but you honestly don't know what to say to that. "Well, maybe you just switched me on, isn't that what you say Sam does with me?" you roll your eyes at her.

The fucking audacity of her sometimes. She thinks she knows everything.

She just shrugs indifferently and it pisses you off even more. "How do you and Sam have sex?"

"What do you mean 'how do we have sex', the usual way, duh" you snarl at her and cross your legs.

"When you orgasm, and I mean when you orgasm for real, not half the time when you fake it or over exaggerate it" she says to you and raises an eyebrow, "is it from penetrative sex?"

Fuck.

You look around and feel so fucking awkward talking about this stuff with her. You scratch the back of your neck and swallow. "Uh yeah I guess"

"And before that, how long on average do you spend on foreplay?"

"I…I don't know, it's not like I fucking time it" you say impatiently. She looks at you like she's disappointed and you think she knows that you hate that look and now she's just using it against you. You roll your eyes again. "Ugh, I don't know, not long, men aren't all that good with foreplay are they?"

"Some are" Brittany says unconcernedly. "Do you pleasure each other often, for example, do you message each other? Kiss for long periods of time? Oral sex?"

Fuck.

Her eyes look alive and you just feel like your melting under her gaze. You're so anxious and uncomfortable. "Not really," you mumble. "I mean he never really gives me oral and I only sometimes give him, but you know we have good sex I think, what comes before doesn't really matter does it?"

"I disagree," Brittany states. "Often the build up is better than the pay off itself, sometimes the build up makes the pay off more intense actually. You see orgasms are around 80% psychological in my opinion so if you just skip right to the action then you're already lowering your odds of achieving a pleasurable outcome"

You find your lips twitching into a smile at her, she has a way with words you'll give her that.

"The next time you have sex with Sam I suggest you masturbate a little while beforehand, preferably while he's kissing you. You can stroke him too. Try do it for at least 20 minutes, it will help"

You just nod; you really don't want to talk about this shit any more because it's making you uncomfortable.

"Of course," she adds and you look across to her, "you have to be stimulated when masturbating, and like I said sex is largely a mental connection as much as it is a physical. You should think about someone or a situation that turns you on"

You swallow thickly and look at her. She has a small smirk on her face like she knows; she fucking knows you've been thinking about her.

"Sam then" you say defiantly anyway.

"If that makes you more comfortable" she shrugs and smiles at you.

You fucking want to cry and yell at her for being so indifferent and at the same time being smug.

"But I assume you've just started your medication?"

You nod, "Yesterday"

"Well you may want to wait a few weeks till the medication starts working, you'll find your mood to be better by then"

You nod a little again and look at her, she suddenly doesn't look so smug but more dissatisfied. "What?" you direct at her and uncross your arms, "the thought of Sam and I having sex just cross your mind?"

You meant it as a joke but it came out seriously and slightly bitter.

Her eyes snap to yours quickly and her pupils grow large like she can't believe you acknowledged the thing between you, whatever you and her actually were. "Sorry," you mumble and bow your head in shame, "I shouldn't have said that, I don't know why I did"

"I'm sure the thought of me and someone else has crossed your mind too" she shrugs and looks at you sadly. "But no, that's not what I was thinking of"

You look away from Brittany unable to even keep eye contact with her for long. You had hoped your feelings for her would dwindle or that her smart ass attitude would annoy you or her unprofessionalism would turn you off or that you would realize you just really like her as a friend, maybe so much so because you don't have many. No matter how many times you tell yourself though none of what you want or hope to happen is happening, and instead your feelings for her are getting more and more intense. You look down and fumble with your hands, your fingertip running along the silver band on your left hand. Sam's engagement ring to you, you were so happy when he proposed, or so you thought, lately though it feels tighter around your finger, almost like it's choking you.

"It's pretty"

You snap out of your thoughts and look across to Brittany. She's smiling politely at you and inclining her head toward your ring.

You feel a lump form the back of your throat, "not as pretty as you" you choke out.

Fuck.

She sucks in her lips and looks at you but you see her face turn red and you just love it. You love that you can see the evidence of her feelings and you wonder if she can see yours.

"Why do you look so sad Santana?" Brittany asks you softly.

You give a dry laugh and blink away tears you never even felt coming. "Is that a professional question or a personal one?"

"Both"

You nod sadly and try to think. "I'm sad because…I have all these feelings for someone who isn't my fiancé and I don't know what to do, what would you do? Seriously, tell me, if you were in my position what would you do? Because what I have with Sam is long standing and great and to throw that away like it's something flimsy over something that might not last or be real or-"

"Honestly?" Brittany interrupts you. "I tell my patients to listen to their head but follow their heart"

"Patient," you mumble and shake your head at her, "is that all you see? When you look at me?"

Her blue eyes glisten and flicker away unsurely but come quickly back to meet your gaze. "No, and that's one of the problems isn't it?"

You look at her; she looks so pale and lifeless today, like she hasn't had much sleep. Her eyes are still bright as ever and her hair looks so soft, she's still just so beautiful though.

"Which is why," she continues as she looks at you warily, "I'm considering resigning"

What the fuck?

Your heart and stomach simultaneously drop and you feel kind of sick. "Y-y-you can't" you stutter out, baffled. "You can't just leave me"

She chews her thin pink lip and looks away from you, "it's probably for the best," she mumbles.

She can't do this to you.

"I used to think I would never get involved with someone who was taken, or more than that, involve myself with one of my patients, they've always been morals of mine. Lately though, you make me question everything I ever thought I knew about myself"

"_You _make _me_ question everything I ever thought I knew about myself" you parrot her. "But you can't just leave me, we've only just started, you can help me I know you can, I think differently when I'm around you"

Brittany rolls her eyes a little. "CBT"

"What?" you frown and shake your head petulantly.

"CBT," she repeats, "cognitive behavioral therapy, that's part of what I've been doing with you, it's standard practice, anyone as qualified as me can do it, you don't need me"

"I do need you!" you practically yell at her.

She looks slightly shocked and the room falls silent.

"Besides, why quit? You've got other patients too; you can't just abandon them all because of me, can you? You're being selfish"

You're so mad at her. Mad that she could leave you so easily and appear to not be upset about it.

"Santana," she sighs quietly and looks down at the back of her hand like she doesn't want to make eye contact with you. "I've been unprofessional but more than that what scares me is how little I care. I've been putting you above everything else and I don't think I can see myself as a good counselor any more" she says and her bottom lip quivers and she sucks it in.

You want to run across and hug her, but instead your hands clench the edge of the sofa. "Stop punishing yourself over me, OK? You can't quit, not over me, I'm not worth ruining your life or career over"

She sighs and looks conflicted; her eyes shift like she's weighing options up in her mind. "OK, look" she says slowly, "I said I feel like resigning, but you're right I guess, I should be rational. Which is why, instead, I'm taking a vacation"

You feel even more annoyed. "What good would that do?"

"Well it would totally clear my head for starters and make me re-evaluate certain things, but I would also have time to think, if I still feel the same in three weeks time then yeah, I'm resigning"

"3 fucking weeks?" you exclaim. "What am I supposed to do without you?"

She smiles and tilts her head like she pities you. "You won't stop your sessions Santana, I'll just transfer you to a good co-worker of mine, Miss Pillsbury, you'll like her, she's very sweet and good at her job, I'll make sure to give her your notes. I might just spend a few weeks at the Evans Ranch, take my mind off things."

"Well great, just fucking great" you say dryly and stand up. "Some counselor you've been, you know none of this would have happened if you didn't come into my life"

She stands up too and looks at you curiously, "none of what?"

"I don't know, e-e-everything, the way I'm feeling, my confusion"

"Ah," Brittany says, "I think I'll leave a note for Miss Pillsbury to first of all address your sexuality, because you're clearly conflicted over it and it's causing you stress. Besides, I think you may be more comfortable talking about it with a stranger than…well…me"

You stare at her and you feel embarrassment and anger swirl in the pit of your stomach. "There's nothing to tell, I'm not gay, it's not like I want you or I want to call off my wedding so I can be with you, you're just a fucking phase, a weird fetish if anything. So fuck off," you snap at her feeling all of your defenses rise up.

How dare she just assume things, she doesn't fucking know you.

You spin on your heel as you move to storm out the room. Your hands on the handle ready to open the door to exit when you feel Brittany behind you.

"Santana…" she sighs weakly.

You close your eyes and feel guilty about what you just said, you feel your body stiffen and for some reason your hand doesn't move to open the handle.

"I think I need to hear that again, turn around" she commands you quietly.

Fuck.

You let go of the handle to find your hand is clammy and you turn around slowly. Brittany's right in front of you and you can see all the shades of blue in her eyes. You can see the sweat still gleam against her skin and you press yourself as much as you can into the door away from her. She boldly presses herself up against you and you just about swoon and pass out. You can smell the intoxicating aroma of her deodorant and it swirls around your head.

"Hear…what…again?" you ask shakily.

Her eyes are glued to your lips intently like she's soaking in every word that leaves them, yet at the same time seems fascinated by them.

"You said you don't want me," she says lowly and her eyelids suddenly look heavy.

Fuck.

You swallow thickly and you suddenly can't breathe.

"Which" she says slowly and tilts her head leaning into you. You feel the warmth of her body and a spark of electricity jolt around your veins when her breasts push ever so slightly into yours. Holy fuck.

Is she going to…?

You hold your breath and your heart hammers around in your chest. "I don't believe you meant," she breathes quietly and her breath hits the side of your face. She comes closer and her nose brushes against your cheek. You feel her smirk as she trails the tip of her nose slowly up the side of your face like a caress and it warms the blood under your skin. You feel your cheeks burn and your heart drum.

Her mouth reaches your ear and she breathes into it heavily. "Tell me you don't want me"

Fuck.

You swoon all over again as goosebumps erupt all down your side and the tiny hairs on the back of your neck stand on their ends. You feel a familiar tingle and throb grow between your legs. You fucking can't deal with this.

"I…" you open your mouth say something but your mind is defunct.

You close your mouth quickly when she trails her nose down your face again and you can't believe how good it feels, she comes to the corner of your mouth and her nose ever so slightly brushes gently against your upper lip. You gasp as your mouth gapes open subconsciously and you begin to pant. She opens her mouth too and your breaths are clashing against each other in the small space separating you both.

"I don't…want…" you breathe against her, her darker than usual eyes are roaming your face and she renders you speechless.

Her hands seek out your wrists and she wraps her fingers around them, slowly dragging your arms up against the door till eventually they are above your head. She's got you pinned up against the door.

"I don't think you can tell me can you?"

The back of your thighs and the palm of your hands are sweating and you just let her control your limbs so easily. She's got your arms above your head and you feel nothing but weak, like your bones melt at her touch.

"Because you do want me don't you?"

You whimper and roll your head to the side to look away.

"Say it, tell me you want me" she husks against your cheek and your lips are so close to hers it takes everything you have not to pucker your lips and lean forward an inch just to see what her soft skin would feel like.

You close your eyes and try breathe, "I want you"

She seems to fall silent at your words and you do too. For what feels like hours but is in fact seconds all you can hear is your own heart pound and you feel like you're about to pass out.

She brings down your arms gently and you feel her body and heat move away from you. You don't know if you crave it to come back or want it to stay away forever.

You open your eyes slowly as she lets go of your wrists and blue eyes are looking at you. The blonde looks conflicted, sad and awed all at the same time.

"Well," she says quietly and suddenly seems to have none of the confidence she had a second ago. "I'm glad you admitted that, but you should leave now before you do something stupid"

You blink at her and feel the blood return to a normal temperature. "Before _I _do something stupid?" you repeat perplexed.

What she did was just pretty fucking stupid.

"Yes," she almost whispers and tucks her hands away behind her back. "You were thinking of kissing me there and I was thinking of kissing you there too but I know I wouldn't have, and I don't think you have the same level of restraint. So yes, leave before you do something you'll regret"

You feel your breath catch in your thought and you wonder how she does _that_. Whatever that was.

"I'll see you in a few weeks Santana"

Before you know it the door to room 47 is shut behind you once again and you almost crumble to your knees feeling completely overwhelmed and once again confused.

You're certain about one thing though.

You won't survive without her for 3 weeks and you don't think you want to even try.

That would be something stupid.


	9. Almost

**Chapter 9 – Almost**

One week. One whole goddamn week. That's how long you haven't seen her, haven't smelled her, or heard her voice or her cute laugh. You're miserable now more than ever; it's hard having someone as awesome as Brittany enter your life just to leave it again. You've been very clingy to Sam as a result, you feel like something is suddenly missing in your life so you've been hugging him a lot recently, which is odd because you're not much of a hugger, but you've been doing it anyway. Something about leaning into him makes Brittany's absence seem less soul-destroying, but ultimately you're miserable without her and you think you're pathetic because you've only known her a few weeks, you really shouldn't be feeling this way. Your heart is heavy and you're beginning to think your lungs aren't taking in as much air as they used to, and it can't be the cigars because amazingly you haven't had one in weeks, since meeting Brittany you think. Maybe you've been less stressed without realizing it.

You're meeting your Brittany-replacement today Miss Pillsbury. She left a voicemail saying she'd see you at the same time and in the same room so the transition would "be easier for you". You roll your eyes at the mere thought, fucking easier? Everything would be easier if Brittany just didn't leave you high and dry like this. You're the reason she left though, all of this would never have happened if you weren't all weird and confused around her. She's thinking about quitting her job and it is all your fault. You didn't mean for any of this to happen. You need to see her, talk to her.

You're taking calls from computer illiterate people again and it's almost lunchtime but for once you'd rather just stay here. It's not Brittany you're seeing so there's no point. There's no point in doing anything any more really.

You make your way over as usual anyway simply because you have nothing better to do and ever since you told Quinn about Brittany she's did nothing but ask you questions. Questions you don't even know the answer to.

You head up to the seventh floor and yet again you walk toward the reception area, this time feels different though, you aren't remotely nervous and it's a nice break but you also kind of miss feeling nervous. Kurt smiles at you and you smile timidly back, it's like you both know you're not here to see Brittany and he looks more sympathetic than usual.

You walk along the familiar corridor and open Room 47. You close the door behind you and offer a pathetic attempt at a smile. Ms. Pillsbury is a ginger-haired woman; you guess she must be in her thirties, you'd think she'd actually be pretty if she just changed everything about her. She's wearing a floral white blouse with a turquoise skirt and bright matching earrings, she looks like she got dressed a few decades early this morning. She has bright big eyes that have a kindness to them, but also naivety and innocence. She has transparent gloves on her hands and she smiles at you as she scrubs the leather chair Brittany would normally be sitting on now, or slouching on to be more precise.

"Hey there, you must be Santana, Brittany told me all about you. Sorry, I like things clean" she says and she puts the cloth in the trash can, snaps off her gloves and finally sits down. You sit down opposite her and just stare. You're convinced everybody that works here is crazy.

"You can call me Emma", she says and you just look down at your hands feeling awkward in the silence. "So," she smiles at you and despite how fidgety and nervous _she _appears to be you think it's actually calming you.

"So," you shrug and try smiling back.

"I was reading through your notes-"

"Brittany keeps notes on me?" you ask quickly.

"Pages," Emma smiles civilly, "it's normal to keep notes but I have to say yours are longer than most"

You chew your lip to fight back a grin. Brittany writes about you, more than she does her other clients. You'd give anything to read those notes, to see what she thinks of you. Then again you'd be kind of scared to.

"She told me we were to address your sexuality, so I think we should jump right in, what do you say?" she says and does a little fist pump.

Her enthusiasm is endearing, you'll give her that. You still don't like her though; this isn't right, she's in room 47, which is Brittany's room. She's not Brittany.

"So, are you having doubts about your sexuality?" she asks.

"No" you say quickly.

"Huh," she says seeming confused, "Brittany very much alluded to the notion you were"

"I…I'm not gay or anything, I'm just confused" you stutter out.

Fuck. You're not comfortable talking about this but for some reason it does seem easier with a complete stranger.

"Ok, well," Emma says in a slow but comforting manner, "let's start from the beginning shall we? I read that you have a partner, Sam?"

You nod.

"So is there someone else in your life that is making you begin to question your sexuality?"

You almost want to say no. Almost.

You decide maybe telling the truth for a change will do you some good, you realize you have to be careful, you don't want Brittany getting into trouble and you'd never tell a soul about you and her. Not that there was much of a you and her to begin with anyway.

"Sort of" you shrug. "But we haven't did anything and nothing will ever come of it, her job and my relationship pretty much make it impossible"

"You seem sad about that," she notes.

"I…I guess I am" you say quietly and clench your stomach. You can't cry, but you can feel your sadness simmer in the pit of your stomach.

"You say nothing will ever come of it but tell me, if Sam weren't in your life, would you want something to come of it?" Emma asks and tilts her head.

Wow. You've never even thought of that, it seems so out of the realms of possibility. "It's hard to imagine life without Sam, I've been with him since high school" you admit.

"But for a second imagine if you were single, would you want something to happen with this woman?"

You stare at her and before you know it the truth is spilling from your lips before you can stop it, "More than anything"

"This woman who is making you doubt your sexuality, do you have romantic and/or sexual feelings toward her?"

You nod.

"Which?"

"Both" you say quietly. You can't believe how the words are just tumbling from your mouth today.

Emma smiles at you, "Well golly, I don't think you're confused as you think you are"

You stare at her, that wasn't what you were expecting to hear. "What do you mean?" you ask feeling puzzled.

"You seem like a smart woman Santana" she says modestly, "and I think you just say you're confused because you're scared of labelling your feelings as anything else"

Fuck. You want her to stop talking.

"Sexuality is fluid but we all fall into categories I think, homosexuals are people who are emotionally and/or physically attracted exclusively to people of the same sex, for bisexuality it's both sexes and for heterosexuals it's exclusive to the opposite sex. You've pretty much just admitted your feelings for another woman, so that rules out you being heterosexual, wouldn't you agree? Wouldn't you say that's progress?" she asks cheerily.

"You have no idea what you're talking about" you snap at her and fold your arms, "I am straight, can't a person just, I dunno, be gay for one person?"

She laughs softly at your words and her big eyes blink at you sympathetically. "No Santana, I don't think it quite works like that"

"Why not?"

"In my experience with people, it often takes something or someone external to realize their sexuality, people don't just wake up one day and realize they are gay, it's a process. It may be a character from a television show, or movie or a famous person that they realize they are attracted to, or someone in their own lives. The point is if you're attracted to someone of the same sex then it's entirely possible and likely for you to be attracted to another person of the same sex too. If this woman hadn't come into your life, it would have been another woman further down the line, somewhere, someone, _eventually_. Something or someone would have made you realize your sexuality and for some that doesn't happen till late in life, some it happens early. For women to discover themselves at your age is not uncommon, you're still very young and you shouldn't feel bad about not realizing sooner"

You stare at her open mouthed and you feel like you're going to panic. "Y-you're lying, I would never feel the same way about another woman the way I do with…this woman…" you stutter, trying not to say Brittany's name.

"I think that just goes to show the intensity of your feelings rather than the exceptional circumstance in which you feel, that is to say you must be so besotted by this woman that you'd never consider anyone else. That just further proves the point that this isn't a phase or anything else you might have thought, like being 'confused' as you called it. The truth is phases don't really exist, not in this context, heterosexual woman can admire and appreciate the beauty of another woman but have no romantic or sexual feelings at all as can non-heterosexual women, but if the feelings are there for at least one women then you are feeling emotions and sensations a straight woman would never experience. By definition this does not make you heterosexual. Teenagers experiment all the time; straight people would try something just for the social fun of it but realize it's not them or realize it is in fact part of them. You seem to be experiencing things the opposite way around though and it's not uncommon - you seem to have all the emotional and some of the objective attractions without the physicality of acting on them, but it doesn't make those attractions any less valid, in fact I'd argue it makes them even more valid. You must really like this woman very much."

You're speechless. Fucking speechless. You're either going to throw up, yell at her or burst out crying.

"Reading your notes and meeting you now Santana, I'd say your issue now is knowing yourself. You need to search deep within yourself and discover whether you are genuinely attracted to either genders or whether you've been masquerading by default as heterosexual when in fact all your natural inclinations are exclusively homosexual. Either way you should love yourself and be proud of this new part of yourself you've discovered."

"Can I leave now? I want to leave" you say firmly but you're voice is trembling.

You need to get out of here.

"Uh…yeah…sure, I'm only available to see you on Tuesdays so I guess I'll see you next week"

You nod and you want to stand up but your legs aren't listening, you have so many thoughts going through your head right now.

"Santana?" Emma says to you with concern, "are you OK? Would you like some water?"

"No," you say and shake your hand at her. You slowly stand up and you feel confused. "I need to go back to work, thanks"

You think she calls after you but you don't hear her, you're already walking out the room and past Kurt who you don't even say goodbye to. You feel like a zombie, walking but not really thinking. Before you know it you blink and you're at your desk once again. You begin to feel angry. Who the fuck does she think she is? Isn't she meant to ease you into these conversations? How dare she just assume things about you. You're mad. You're pretty sure she was being too full on and you think Brittany would actually agree with you. You need to see her, you need to complain about her to Emma, she'll be all regretful and mad and she'll come back, right? Right?

Right.

Later on that night you toss and turn in bed and you feel too annoyed; you turn your back on Sam and lie facing the wall. You just need to sleep.

"Hey babe, you OK?" Sam whispers to you and he presses up against your back.

You stiffen uncomfortably a little. "Uh…yeah"

He kisses you lightly on the back of your neck and then your shoulder "I can think of something that'll tire you out" he smirks against your skin.

You suddenly can't breathe and what feels like panic starts swirling around inside of you. What the fuck is wrong? You've never panicked before when Sam's touched you, why now?

You clear your throat awkwardly "Uh, I'm not really in the mood"

You hear annoyance laced in his sigh and you cringe. "You're never in the mood recently"

"I…sorry…I…I just had a really intense session today, and I'm just stressed, OK?"

"Fine," he says shortly and you feel him roll away from you. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.

"No…but I just don't like this new woman I have. I need to see Brittany" you try slip into the conversation casually. "You think maybe we can go over at the weekend to the ranch?"

"Cant babe" you hear him yawn from behind you. "I'm working on Saturday, the release date of a major title is soon and we're all working over time to fix bugs and polish the game off"

"Oh" you breathe in disappointment.

"Hey, you don't have to go with me, if you really need to see your therapist and your friend, just go, you know how to get there"

"Really?" you ask surprised, you feel like you need his permission, his approval.

You've never been to the ranch without him.

"Yeah," he laughs a little "just go, I'll be working anyway"

You roll over to him and smile with relief; you lean over and kiss him hard on the cheek. "Thanks" you whisper.

"I didn't do anything" he smirks at the ceiling goofily.

"No but just thanks for being so…supportive…I promise things will get better, I'll get better, we'll both be really happy after we marry, I promise"

He smiles at you and yawns some more, "I believe you, goodnight Santana"

You can't really sleep though so you just watch him fall asleep. Will things really get better after you marry? Will this uncertainty and insecurity vanish? It has to. For your own sanity you think, it simply has to.

On Friday you decide to lie to your boss as say you have a doctors appointment, when really you just want to start your long car journey so you're at least over there by late afternoon instead of late night. You pack a few things to wear, throw on a loose-fitting purple sweater and skinny jeans and buy some candy to chew on the way there. You know the way but Sam's always been the one driving so you turn on the sat-nav just to make sure you don't get lost.

You feel really nervous but excited. You're going to see Brittany, you only hope she isn't mad at you. You need to tell her to come back, you need her now more than ever. You listen to the radio as you drive and you love that you can sing out loud along to the songs. You've never sung in front of anyone before, you only sing in the shower and when you're alone. It's kind of pathetic that you want to sing for a living yet your own boyfriend doesn't really know what your singing voice sounds like. You start to feel tired by the time you hit traffic in West Virginia but you stop and buy an energy drink and will yourself to stay awake.

A few hours later you're driving along the empty grain road that Brittany rescued you and Sam from, you hope this piece of shit truck doesn't brake down again because if you need to phone her for help a second time, well, you don't want to think about that. The universe has a way of screwing you over though so you don't want to jinx it.

This is totally normal you think, driving for hours across states to see a woman for all intents and purposes you still hardly know. Yep. Normal. What are you saying? She took a vacation because she needed to get _away_ from you and you're just going to show up unannounced? Fuck your life. Maybe you should just turn back, you've reached a whole new level of creepiness. You keep driving though, you now have sympathy for Sam having to drive here every few weeks, it's really hard trying to keep your eyes open but you think about why you're going and shudder as you yawn willing yourself to just stay awake a little longer.

Why is it exactly you're going again?

To see Brittany.

Right.

Miss Pillsbury's words are still swirling around in your head and you need to complain about her to Brittany. You need to tell her to stop being so selfish and just come back and counsel you like usual, you don't like that other woman. Everything will be fine if you and Brittany just stay at least 5 feet apart and she counsels you. That's workable right?

You drive up the hill and park into the driveway once you're there, the sky is burning amber and you're exhausted. You suddenly feel really nervous, you've never been here without Sam before, what do you say? You kind of feel like you're trespassing or something. You feel like you really shouldn't be here. You walk up onto the porch and open the door into the kitchen. Mrs. Evans comes through from the living room looking startled.

"Santana dear? What're doing here?" she asks looking shocked but pleased to see you nevertheless.

"Uh hi," you smile awkwardly back.

"Where's Sam?" she asks peering over your shoulder like she expects him to come in with your stuff any second.

"He's back in the city, It's just me" you smile, "I heard Brittany was here so…I came down for the weekend just to hang out you know? Work's been stressful and Sam's working tomorrow anyway so I thought why not come over?" you say trying to be as casual as you can.

It's official. You, Santana Lopez, are a fucking stalker.

"Oh, well come on in, do you want something to eat? Of course you do, we have some left over meatloaf from dinner, I'll heat it up for you"

"OK," you nod and nervously rub your sweaty palms up and down your thighs. She isn't totally freaking out or suspicious so everything is fine, you think. "Uh, do you know where Brittany is?"

"That girl is down by the cornfields experimenting with the land she says," Mrs. Evans chuckles fondly. "She's using the water hose, just follow it down the hill and I'm sure it'll lead you to her"

You have no idea what she's talking about but you can tell she really likes Brittany already and you don't blame her - it's impossible not to like Brittany. Mrs. Evans tells you dinner will be ready in 10 minutes and that you were to tell Brittany to join you at the table too. You thank her as you step out onto the porch and try breathing a little. OK. You need to focus. You're just here to see a friend, right? There's nothing unusual about that, Mrs. Evans didn't find it unusual. Everything's fine.

You walk around the house and see the green hosepipe come from the back of the house and down the hill toward the cornfields. You follow it, slipping down the hill a little on the mud until you stumble on the ground below. You follow the pipe and look into the distance, you can see a figure against the sunset and you know its Brittany, she's at the very far edge of where the cornfields stop. You walk quickly, suddenly finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other till you get closer and closer toward her. Once you get close enough you see that she has her back to you and is sprinkling some water over a fresh patch of upturned land. She has her blonde hair tied back lazily, jean shorts on with sandals and white socks and short denim jacket on with a pink top underneath. You're a little out of breath by the time you reach her.

"No overalls today then huh?" you try be charming but what escapes your lips sounds more like a nervous wreck.

Brittany turns around quickly and switches the water flow off. She stares open mouthed at you for a fraction of a second and her wide blue eyes suddenly look a little warmer. She's smiling a little now but still frowning at you.

"Santana?" she says and it comes out more like a question, she tilts her head to the side like she normally does when she's confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh…well…I…uh…was in the neighborhood and," you trail and roll your eyes but you're glad to see her smile widened at your feeble attempt at being funny. She seems really amused and you're just nervous. "OK," you say frankly and slump your shoulders, "My _very wise_ therapist told me once that I should listen to my head but follow my heart and somehow it led me here. I just wanted to say hi"

She stares at you like you're from a different planet but also like she wants to know what that planet is and maybe come back to it with you. You don't fucking know anymore how she makes you feel, all you know is that you like it and you need more of it.

"So you came all the way out here to say hi to me? Santana, I don't know if I should hug you or call the police"

You'd gladly take the hug.

You laugh nervously and your stomach is churning, "sorry I didn't mean to be stalkerish, I now I realize I am so, I mean obviously, you came here to get away from me so-"

"Wait," she interjects and her eyes are studying you. "You think I took a vacation to get away from you?" she says and she sounds surprised.

"Well yeah" you mumble and look at the ground.

She giggles and your eyes shoot back up to meet hers as a smile spreads across both your faces. God, you've missed that laugh.

"I didn't take a vacation to necessarily get away from you silly, I told you I just needed time to think, not everything revolves around you," she says softly.

You now feel fucking stupid.

"What are you doing out here anyway?" you ask curiously and you feel yourself giggle a little, you want to change the subject but you feel all fuzzy and tickly inside, you think her smile does that to you.

"Oh, well I found out Mrs. Evans and co make a lot of money but most of it gets pumped back into maintaining this place and well, they don't really have the money to splurge a little, I mean have you seen the size of their TV? It's tiny, it's like a TV for mice"

You laugh and feel your heart flutter. Ugh. You've missed her cuteness. "I don't think mice watch TV Britt" you grin at her.

"You don't know that," she says monotonously and swings the hose casually in her hand. "Anyways, they make a lot of produce here like corn, milk and wood and things like that so I'm just seeing if this land here can grow wheat. That way they can grow their own wheat and maybe even export their own bread, and if not well, I'll just make super awesome yummy bread to eat."

"Super awesome yummy bread?" you grin stupidly at her.

She nods "Super awesome yummy bread" she repeats. She looks uncertainly at you for a second and her smile fades a little, "Where's Sam?"

"Oh," you sigh a little and shift on your feet awkwardly, "he's not here, and he's working tomorrow anyway" you shrug.

"I see," Brittany sighs and she almost seems sad, she looks down and twiddles with the water hose nozzle.

"Hey, sorry I just I really needed to talk to you about Emma and well, I can go home if you don't want me here-"

"Don't be silly Santana, you're here now" she smiles at you. "What about Emma did you want to discuss? Is there a problem?"

"She has no fucking idea what she's talking about, like seriously, how am I supposed to take advice from a 1950's housewife who just looks like she arrived here from her damn time machine"

"Santana," Brittany scolds you disapprovingly, putting her hands on her hips. "Emma doesn't have a time machine, believe me, I'd know, besides I tried making my own and if I can't make one there's no way she can" she smirks at you.

You open your mouth to say something but you don't know what, you just laugh woozily at her and swoon a little. You never know when to take her seriously and when not to, she's always keeping you on your toes.

"What exactly did she say that upset you?" she asks more seriously.

You stare at her. You don't remember telling Brittany that something upset you but now that you're thinking about it you guess she did. You tell her everything, word for word, the conversation you had with Emma on Tuesday afternoon. You decide not to include your mini-panic you had with Sam, besides there's no real need to mention it right?

"I don't see anything wrong with what she said," she shrugs, turns the water back on and sprays over the crops.

"What?" you ask annoyed, for some reason you were expecting Brittany to agree with you.

"She explained sexuality rather well, and how she personally saw yours, I would have said exactly the same to be honest, give or take a few things"

"W-w-well you're both wrong cause I'm not-"

"Look Santana," Brittany sighs impatiently and turns the water flow back off. She turns to you with a sympathetic look in her eye, "other people can have opinions on your sexuality, but ultimately nobody knows your sexual orientation apart from you. Everybody works it out or realizes it in different ways, unfortunately its one of those things in life that you can receive help and support with but ultimately you have to do the hard part, the figuring out part, by yourself. For some people it's easy, for others it isn't. That's just the way it is"

You stare at her and your stomach feels really light, you sense a creeping sensation up your spine and you feel kind of sick. It's like you're just abruptly having your own epiphany and you're looking at Brittany but not really seeing her, suddenly random memories flash before your eyes and you remember old feelings like they were yesterday. Maybe the reason why you were never really interested that much in boys when you were younger like your friends were was because of this, maybe this is why you always felt more comfortable around women, you always did prefer playing with them in the playground and sitting next to them in class. You always preferred your female teachers, employers, and celebrities. Suddenly everything is hitting you and you wonder why you never saw it before. This doesn't necessarily mean anything though right? You love Sam, at least you think you do but is it the same way you would love a woman? A woman like Brittany?

You blink and are met with blue eyes once more, reeling you out of your thoughts. Brittany skews her mouth into a tilting smile and gazes at you with a knowing look. "Something just click in your mind Santana?"

You let out a tiny breath. "I…I don't know, I don't really want to talk about it" you mumble unsteadily. "I don't know, you're bisexual right? Maybe I'm like you," you say quickly.

Fuck.

You're shocked that you thought that, but even more shocked that you said it out loud as soon as you thought it.

Brittany however doesn't look phased at all by your words. "Maybe," she just shrugs nonchalantly.

"You don't agree?" you ask, taken aback.

"I think only you know and need to figure it out," she smiles calmly at you, "but I think it's progress that you're thinking outside the box, you're at least considering the possibility that you might not be heterosexual and that's a good sign, it's a sign that you're thinking about your life and yourself differently. Yeah, seeing Emma was a good idea, I want you to stick with her for a while" she says like your words have reaffirmed her decision to leave you.

This isn't going to plan, you came here to get her to come back and now she looks glad she left.

You swallow thickly and just nod at her. You came all the way here to get her opinion and it turns out it's the same as Emma's, you're not going to lie, you trust Brittany's judgement implicitly. You don't know now whether you agree or not, you're sick of thinking about it though.

"I'm proud of you," she adds, smiling softly, her eyes glowing with what you can only describe as pride.

You blink a little and look away. Your heart beats uncomfortably in your throat and you clear it a little. She makes you sweat under her gaze alone and you feel a little teary. She just makes you feel so much from such little and it still scares you.

"Thanks" you say back quietly.

"It's a shame, if I knew you were coming I would have brought the bike with me" Brittany suddenly smirks, like she knows you're upset so she's trying to lighten the mood.

You hate but love the way she gets you.

"You never brought it?" you ask, a little disappointed.

"Nah, I rented a car so I could bring Lucy over, I was right, she loves this place," Brittany flashes a grin at you.

"Lucy's here?" you manage to smile a little again, "where is she?"

"Huh," Brittany says slowly, raises her hand above her head and looks around, "I dunno actually" she says as she scrunches up her nose, her blue eyes deep in thought.

She's so adorable.

Brittany puts her thumb and middle finger in her mouth a little and makes a loud whistling noise. You jump a little at how loud it is and you're impressed, you've never been able to whistle like that. You both stand still and you don't see or hear anything.

Suddenly you look to your left and see the top of the cornfields shimmer making a line getting closer and closer to you like something is moving past them fast and parting them. You hear a little jingle of a dog collar and before you know it a familiar golden blonde retriever comes pouncing out the edge of the cornfields and is now running toward you. You grin but you feel it fade as the dog is still bounding its way toward you. Like seriously, it's coming right at you.

Oh shit.

Slam.

Lucy pounces right at you, her paws on each of your shoulders and you go staggering backwards, your ass hitting the grass. Curious paws are all over you and you feel a wet sloppy tongue run itself along your face.

"Argh," you roll around on the grass and try bring your arms up to shield your face but that just makes the damn dog all the more determined to lick it.

"S-s-stop, ha…stop…haha" you try shout angrily at her but you end up giggling uncontrollably on the ground. Your whole body is rolling from side to side and you can't stop laughing. She's tickling you.

You hear a familiar giggle come closer to you, "shoo Lucy, that's enough"

Lucy whines and cowers away behind Brittany's legs but still looks at you, her tail wagging happily.

You wipe your face with the arm of your sweater and look up to bright blue eyes that are shining down at you. You kind of forget to breathe for a second.

"Sorry, Lucy has a tendency to do things I want to do but that are socially unacceptable" Brittany smirks down at you and holds out a hand.

You stare back up at her in awe and you want to laugh but her eyes are just mesmerizing you. You reach your hand up and she clasps hers firmly around yours, pulling you up to your feet with a strength you've come to expect from her.

You're both standing close now and her face is looking all over yours inquisitively with an amused smirk. You look down and she's still grasping your hand tightly. It's warm and soft and is sending shooting tingly feelings up your arm. You kind of feel lightheaded.

"Uh…meatloaf" you blurt out, looking from her hand to her eyes.

Why are you always such a fucking idiot around her?

She smirks a little and you can tell she's trying to hold back a laugh. "Care to elaborate gorgeous?"

"Uh…" you let out a shaky breath and you actually feel yourself swoon and fall backwards but Brittany's hand keeps you upright. Your hearts hammering and your stomach feels so elated you think it's actually going to leap up and out your damn mouth just to say hi. "Mrs Evans is cooking us meatloaf"

"Oh, yum" she says quietly but she's not really looking at you, she's looking at your lips, that way she sometimes does like she physically wants to see how each word leaves them. You lick your lips aware of her staring and her eyes flicker back up to yours. She's not even subtle and you don't think you ever want her to be.

The tingly feeling that was engulfing your hand is gone as you realize Brittany's let go of your hand and she's taken a few steps back. A smirk is dancing across her lips but it's a different kind, it looks mischievous. You wonder what she's thinking or what she's up to but you soon find out as she slowly raises the water hose that she still has in her other hand and points it right at you.

Your cringe and scrunch your face up.

"You fucking wouldn't, I swear Britt I will actually kill you if you spray that in my face and trust me this place is huge enough, they'd never find your body"

You hear her giggle but it's laced this time with notions of power play. You will seriously kill her if she sprays that at you.

You open your eyes and she's lowered it a little but she's still glaring at you with an evil glint in her eye. Well, about as cutely evil as Brittany can get.

"I could soak you right now if I wanted" she says lowly.

Fuck. You stutter out a few sounds but you don't think they are actually words. "What do you want?" you ask her. "Cause seriously, I will mess up your pretty little face if you do this" you try say in a warning tone but it probably doesn't come out all that serious when you're grinning at her like an idiot.

"Tell me one thing truthfully and I wont give you a shower," she says with smirk and steps closer to you.

"Fine anything" you say quickly, shutting your eyes, still bracing yourself.

"Why did you come here?"

You open your eyes and she's looking at you sincerely.

"I told you"

"Except I don't believe you," she says, a smile tugging the corner of her lips. "You came all the way down here just to talk about Emma? You could have called me"

"I don't have your number," you counter.

"Quinn does, you could have just asked"

You stutter and open your mouth to argue but nothing comes out.

"Tell me why it was so urgent for you to see me," she says and points the hose at you playfully. You watch with anticipation as her finger slowly moves down onto the button to release the water and…

"OK, OK!" you hold your hands up in surrender. "I…I missed you OK? I came here because I missed you" you say quickly.

Your hands are still up over your face and they are trembling.

Fuck.

You hear and feel her come closer until she's standing right in front of you. "Santana," she sighs gently and it causes your arms to fall limp at your sides. "That's creepy" she smirks.

You feel your cheeks flush and you look away in shame. She's mocking you and she has every right.

"But mostly it's just sweet" she adds smiling at you in wonder. "I missed you too"

You open your mouth but instead of speaking you just gulp in air and nod dumbly at her. She giggles and pats your arm playfully, "c'mon we should go have dinner"

You open your mouth to say "OK" but not even that comes out properly.

You wonder when she's going to stop awing you.

Maybe never.

You think you're fine with that.

Later on that night you say your goodnights and climb into bed, it's kind of weird without Sam yet you have the entire bed to yourself for a change. Maybe you'll sleep a little better. You actually fall asleep pretty quickly and you're thankful because you've had nothing but broken sleep all week, and it's been worse that usual since your meeting with Emma on Tuesday.

Splat.

You awake with a startle and your eyes shoot open when you feel something hit your head. You have no idea what time it is but it still looks dark. You grumble, broken sleep once again, you're probably just imagining things.

Splat.

You sit up right. OK you didn't imagine that and you felt it. You raise your hand to your head and it's wet. You look up, your vision still blurry from sleep but you make out a droplet of water dripping from the ceiling and landing on your pillow.

Just fucking great.

Once your vision becomes more focused you switch on the lamp, climb out of bed and look at the ceiling. There isn't a hole or anything but there's a patch that looks damp and water keeps dropping from it. You climb back into bed and just lie on Sam's side instead; you don't have the energy for this. You try fall back asleep but you hear the tapping of the water hitting the pillow and you're so fucking annoyed, you were in a pretty decent sleep and now this. You sigh and sit up. There's no way you're sleeping in beside Teddy, and there's only two other spare rooms. The one up above you in the loft, but it looks like that's where the leak is coming from and it's freezing up there.

Or you could always sleep in beside Brittany.

Fuck.

You thought about it as soon as you realized but you didn't want to admit it. You switch off the lamp and tiptoe out into the hall. It's really cold and you just really need to sleep. You stand in the middle of the hall for about ten minutes, chewing your nails and staring at the door you know Brittany's sleeping behind. You're so god damn nervous, maybe you should just go back and sleep on the floor. Fuck it.

You open the door and close it behind you silently, you see the back of Brittany's head, she's all wrapped up in the covers and her golden hair is sprawled all across the pillow. You find yourself smiling. You creep toward the bed and clear your throat a little.

"Uh…Britt?" you whisper into the darkness.

"Huh? What?" she turns around groggily.

The covers fall down from her shoulder as she turns around on her back and you see the small mounds of her breasts.

"Fuck" you gasp and cover your eyes, "you're not wearing a bra Brittany," you hiss at her.

You hear her giggle a little and it sounds even cuter when her throat is thick with sleep. "I'm not wearing _anything_, I told you I sleep naked"

You can hear the smirk in her voice, your hands still over your eyes. "Well look, I need to sleep in beside you cause there's water leaking from my ceiling and I just need sleep OK? I won't be able to sleep if you're gonna be naked and all up on me so just put something on and let me come in beside you" you say quickly.

"Water leaking? Huh, that's strange" she yawns and you hear her get up out of the bed. "I'll look at it tomorrow. Uhm Santana?" she says slowly, her tone is playful but laced with guilt.

"What now?" you grumble, your hand pressing harder against your eyelids.

"I don't have anything to wear, well I have panties obviously but I don't have a bra with me, you're just going to have to deal with it"

You fucking hate her.

You don't say anything but she must've seen your jaw clench because she giggles a little. "OK I've got underwear on and I'll go under the covers so you won't see anything"

"Fine" you say shortly.

Eventually you climb into bed and just stare at the ceiling, you don't want to accidently see anything so you don't bother looking at her. "Thanks, goodnight Britt"

"Goodnight Santana"

You eventually fall asleep not knowing what time it is. A little while later you feel your body buzz and your heart race and you think that this ceiling can't possibly be leaking too can it? You open your eyes slowly and it's still dark. You're whole body freezes though when you realize why you've woken up. Brittany's nuzzled right into your side, her face buried into the crook of your neck, her light breath traveling down the side of your throat and tickling your collarbone. You have shivers all down the right side of your body. You look down and realize the covers are half way off you both. She has her arm over your front just under your boobs and one of her thighs are raised and hanging over your leg lazily.

You cannot fucking breathe.

You chew your lips as hard as you can when you look down and see her perky pink and slightly hard nipple graze the side of your arm as she shuffles a little, she hums against your skin and you feel it vibrate in the blood beneath it.

Holy fuck you're going to die.

You stare at her nipple and you wonder what the hell you done to deserve this. You swallow thickly and try not to think about anything. You just need to fall asleep again and maybe you'll wake up and she'll be in a different position. You do remember Kurt saying she was clingy though.

You feel kind of panicky but also elated. As much as this is freaking you out and as much as you hate her for torturing you, even in her sleep it seems you're kind of strangely relaxed. You feel the slow beat of your heart and feel it slightly in-between your legs.

You look down at her body in awe. She's so beautiful. You look at the arm she has draped over your stomach and you want to touch her, you want to just feel her.

You feel her breath tickle your skin with each exhales and it makes your heart flutter every time. She seems in a deep sleep at least.

Feeling slightly brave you raise your left hand and it's trembling in anticipation but you hover it over her forearm and you're finding it harder and harder to breathe. She's sending tingles all over your body and she's not even conscious.

You give a sigh in relief almost as you trace your fingertips up the pale skin on her forearm; it's so smooth and tingly. You reach her elbow and trace all the way up to her shoulder and back down again. You stroke her back and forth and you're beginning to feel sleepy yourself at the motion.

You're strangely happy and content.

You feel your eyelids get heavier and you pause your motions.

"Don't stop" Brittany mumbles against your neck, her lips tickling the skin there.

She reels you right out of your drowsiness and your eyes go wide and your heart is back to beating hard and fast.

"W-what?" you breathe silently out, choking on your words as you feel her breast push harder against the side of your arm.

"Don't stop," she repeats groggily, "you were touching my arm and it felt really good," she whispers against you.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head and you can't stand it.

"OK" you reply shakily.

"Goodnight Santana" she says once more as you begin tracing your fingertips carefully along her arm.

You don't really have the energy or concentration to reply so you just continue stroking her arm till you feel your heart settle once again. It takes a long while and you're sure Brittany's fallen back asleep because her breathing has changed again.

You keep stroking her though.

You really want to turn your head toward her and maybe kiss her on the forehead, but you decide against it. That would be cheating right?

You almost do it though, you think as you slip into slumber.

Almost.


	10. Hittin' The Hay

**Chapter 10 – Hittin' The Hay**

You shift a little in bed and feel faint sunlight hit the back of your eyelids. You smile, too content to even open your eyes, and despite everything, that was probably one of the best sleeps you've had in forever. You're relieved a little when you don't feel Brittany's body pressed up against yours and you think maybe she's already up or she's just rolled away from you. You don't think you care, you're far too relaxed right now, part of you just wants to go back to sleep.

You feel Brittany shift next to you and feel her come closer until she's beside your ear. Your stomach flips when she suddenly licks the ridge of your ear.

"Brittany, we can't" you breathe out unevenly, your hand clutching the bed covers.

"Can't what?" you hear Brittany ask but her voice is much further away. Your eyes shoot open and you look to your right. Lucy is lying on the bed next to you, her head tilted to the side and staring at you oddly.

Your stomach flips again when Brittany giggles, she's standing at the doorway.

You groan and shut your eyes, feeling your cheeks tinge with embarrassment.

A goddamn dog licking your ear just turned you on.

You put your hands over your face and you hear Brittany walk closer until you feel her weight sit down on the bed next to you. She's still giggling and you don't have the guts to look at her right now, you're always making a fool of yourself around her.

"Santana," she singsongs and it makes your heart flutter, "C'mon it's not that bad, just look at me"

Unwillingly you drop your hands from your face and look at her, your eyes still a little blurry from sleep. She's smiling down at you, you notice she's wearing her overalls and boots and you wonder how long she's been up and what she's been doing.

"To be honest I'm kind of offended, there's no way I'd be that sloppy with my tongue" Brittany smirks at you. "And, that's not exactly the first place I'd tongue you either" she says shyly.

You let out a breath you weren't aware you were holding and smile at her nervously, your stomach doing cartwheels and between your legs doing god knows what. She's only sitting next to you and there's covers separating your bodies but you already feel like she's too close and you can't concentrate.

"You said you'd never initiate anything so I should have known" you say and give an awkward laugh.

You feel too vulnerable lying down with her looking over you so you sit up slowly, your hands clinging tightly to the top of the covers. You clap over Lucy's head to give your hands something to do.

"I figured out what the water dripping was," she says to you like she senses you're uncomfortable.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the en suite toilet upstairs, the shower pipe was blocked and water was over leaking and pooling in the space below. Basically there was a puddle and it soaked through the ceiling a little, but it should be fine now" she says and smiles at you politely.

"OK," you nod and you feel weirdly disappointed for some reason. "Thanks Brittany"

"No problem, Mrs. Evans has made soup, you should come down and join us," she says and stands up walking away to the door, flashes you a smile and leaves.

You let out a sigh in relief. God. Why did you come here again? You think she's going to kill you. You get up brush your hair, wash your face and dress into denim shorts and a plain white t-shirt.

A little while later you go down into the kitchen and Mrs. Evans, Teddy and Brittany are all sitting at the dining table eating soup and chatting.

"Good morning Santana, I left your bowl by the cooker" Mrs. Evans smiles at you.

"Thanks," you mumble, your eyes immediately locking with blue but you quickly look away. It's so weird having her here; you can feel her eyes constantly on you.

You pick up your bowl of soup and you sit next to Teddy, opposite Brittany and Mrs. Evans.

"We were just talking about your Wedding" Mrs. Evans beams at you.

"W-w-were you?" you stutter out nervously and look at Brittany but she looks down at her bowl silently.

"I was just saying Brittany here should be your bridesmaid, how cool would that be, she's practically part of the family now!"

You feel the blood drain from your face and you look at Brittany and she just smiles sadly at you, looking embarrassed.

"Oh…I don't know…Quinn's already my bridesmaid-"

"You can have more than one, silly woman!" Mrs. Evans chuckles at you. "Brittany would love to be, wouldn't you?"

Brittany clears her throat and nods meekly. "Yeah…that'd be nice," she says quietly.

Oh my fucking god you can't believe this is happening, you want the floor to swallow you up.

"We all know Santana ain't gonna go through with the wedding" Teddy smirks and nudges your arm at the side.

You feel another jolt of panic travel through you and you stammer yet again, "W-what are you talking about?" you try and laugh nervously.

"We all know you totally want up on this instead" he smiles, gesturing to himself.

You breathe out in relief and you roll your eyes at him. You look across to Brittany and she takes another spoonful of soup to her lips, not before the smallest of smirks appear.

Your heart thuds and you smile a little back at her, knowing she'll see it from the corner of her eye.

After you've eaten Teddy needs to go out on the tractor and Brittany says she has things to do today. She leaves through the front door and you get the feeling she's avoiding you. You go after her and catch her on the porch.

"Hey, uhm Britt?"

"Yeah?" she turns round like she expected you to follow.

"I-Is it OK, and it's fine if it's not, but would it be OK if I just…hang out…with you today? I don't really feel like spending a day with Teddy and I won't bother you or anything, I dunno…I'll just watch you work or something…"

Holy fuck. Every time you think you can't be more nervous you always end up proving yourself wrong.

She smiles a little and turns around and walks away from you.

You frown.

"C'mon then gorgeous" she calls over her shoulder toward you.

You beam and try your best not to skip happily after her.

The day passes rather slowly, you watch as Brittany feeds the animals and you're amazed because she even knows how to shear sheep. You just watch her and talk about idle things. You notice she's a little unresponsive today, almost like she doesn't want to talk, that's fine by you though. You'd gladly just watch her.

A while later you both head out over to the barn with the hay supply. Brittany is moving large square piles of hay from the loading truck to the building. You watch and chew your lip as you see her sweat a little. You're so distracted by her face and her arms and her everything.

Fuck you can see her boobs again, why doesn't she wear a bra like normal people?

"You need help?" you call after her because watching her is counter-productive.

"Sure"

You both start moving blocks of hay strapped together over your backs and you're surprised by how heavy they are. It takes you about half an hour to move them all and you're sweating like mad, Brittany isn't sweating nearly half as much as you.

"Why aren't you sweating as much as me?" you laugh nervously and watch as she goes over to the truck once you've both finished and lies down on the pile of hay stacked on the back.

You walk over to the back end, climb up carefully and slump down beside her. Again, it's surprisingly comfortable. Brittany shifts a little and her elbow grazes your arm and you gasp at the contact.

"Sorry," she mumbles and moves away from you.

"It's…nothing," you say awkwardly, sad that she's shifted away.

"I'm not sweating cause I'm not wearing anything under this" and you can hear the smirk in her voice.

"A-anything?" you stutter.

"Anything" she smiles and she kicks off her boots onto the ground. "Well, unless you count my socks"

Great. Now you're going to have a really hard time not looking at her general crotch area.

"Look, I'm sorry about Mrs. Evans earlier, she tends to get excited about stuff, you don't have to be my bridesmaid"

"It would be awkward," she says honestly. "Especially at the whole 'does anybody know of any reasons these two shall not marry' part"

You sit bolt upright and look down at her frowning. She's got a smug smirk on her face.

"Why, what would you do?" you ask seriously.

She closes her eyes like she's falling asleep and just shrugs up at the sky. "Dunno"

You chew the inside of your cheek and slump back down again. "Uhm…so…this is a pretty good place to get a tan really"

"Yeah" she agrees.

"Hey since we're friends now, you should totally give me your number" you say nervously and take your phone out of your pocket.

You hear her giggle a little and she snatches it out of your hand, you watch from the corner of your eye as she punches in her number and hands it back to you.

You both sunbathe for a while in silence.

"Brittany?" you call out to her warily.

"Yeah?"

"Tell me something about yourself, anything…like…how did you get Lucy? Did you buy her? She's very smart and cute"

You hear her cough awkwardly and you roll your head to the side and notice she's picking at her nails.

"She came to me" she says quietly and you immediately sense a shift in her mood.

"She came to you?" you ask.

"Yeah," Brittany sighs and you hear her shift a little. "My parents died when I was young so I grew up in an orphanage most of my teenage life"

You immediately sit back up and look down at her. Is she opening up to you? Your head and heart start spinning. You really hope so. You nod a little for her to continue and you watch her talk to you but look at the sky.

"Well," she sighs, "I was an angry kid really, I barely graduated high school, I didn't have many friends, my parents were gone, I didn't have any money or any idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then when I turned 18 I had to leave the orphanage, they gave me enough money to rent out a crummy little apartment for a while so I did, but I still had no job so I was going to loose it eventually any way. But when I turned 18, one day I got this letter telling me that I was legally my parent's heir and that they left me all their money. I read that letter and re-read it for like an hour and I couldn't believe it"

"H-h-how much? Was it a lot I mean?" you ask, your throat dry completely enthralled by everything that's coming out of her mouth right now.

"Enough to buy this place and more" she breaks eye contact with the sky for a second and smiles a little at you. "But at that time I didn't see it as a good thing, I was depressed. I felt guilty for suddenly coming into all this money, I felt like I was being rewarded for my parents dying. Not to mention I didn't really know what to do with the money, I didn't even know how to buy stuff for myself or never knew how to buy another house or even how to get a job. A few hours after I got the letter I almost burned it but decided to leave it beside my suicide note"

"Y-your…your suicide note?" you ask stunned, your heart plunging downwards. You automatically place your hand on her knee and you feel your palm tingling a little. She sits up eventually and looks between you and your hand.

She swallows and nods, "Yeah my suicide note, I went into the bathroom, got all the pills I could find, sat on the floor and just as I was unscrewing the caps I hear this scratching noise"

"What was it?" you ask eagerly and find yourself leaning in closer to her.

You think you just squeezed her leg too but you're not sure.

"I didn't know at first" she says quietly. "I wasn't in a good state of mind but for some reason it was annoying me and I really needed to find out what this noise was so I got up and looked around. Eventually I opened my front door and there she was. Lucy. Scratching at front door. It had been raining so she was soaking and she was only just a pup really. She ran past my legs and went straight into the bathroom and lay down on the floor where I had been sitting. It's like she knew what I was about to do and she was looking at me sadly," Brittany smiles a little fondly. "She was the most gorgeous dog I ever saw and just when I was in my darkest hour she came to me and…distracted me…completely gave me a reason to live, even if just a little longer."

You stare at her and you think you're about to fucking cry or something. You want to hug her but you refrain.

"Strangest part of the story is…nobody knows where she came from."

"What do you mean?" you ask with interest.

"The following weeks I looked around the local animal agencies and asked if anybody had lost her. I asked everybody in my apartment block, she had no ID chip or collar. Nobody knew her or where she came from, nobody within miles had even reported a missing dog. She was literally a nobody, with nowhere to go and nothing to say - just like me" Brittany smiles sadly.

She laughs a little and it's the first time you've seen her nervous.

"What?" you ask.

"You're going to think I'm stupid but…"

"Out of all the things I think about you Brittany, that's not one of them" you say firmly and you feel your heart flutter.

Her eyes brighten and she smiles at you, then looks down, her cheeks a little red. "Well," she says slowly. "Legally they said after a certain amount of time she was mine if nobody claimed her. It sounds silly but at the time, I thought that maybe…just maybe…my parents had sent her here, to stop me from taking my own life and to look after me and she did and she has ever since. So I named her Lucy after my mom."

You stare at her and you feel your eyes glow a little and your throat close. You seriously can't fucking cry but you want to and you're not sure why. "Wow…just….wow" you breathe out. "I have no idea what to say to that"

"So that's how I got Lucy" Brittany says, forcing herself into a smile. You want to tell her she can cry in front of you, that she doesn't need to pretend in front of you. "She simply…came to me"

"Wow…" you say, still stunned. "Do you tell that story often?"

She shakes her head, "you're the first"

Fuck.

You smile sheepishly. "I'm honoured," you say honestly.

You both sit in silence for a while, picking at some of the hay before she lies back down and closes her eyes. "Do you mind Santana? If I just go to sleep for a while?"

"Not at all" you say softly and smile at her, your heart swelling. "I think I'll join you," you say as you lie down and close your eyes against the burning sun.

You slip into slumber and have dreams of just holding Brittany. You don't really need an expert to tell you why that might be.

You eventually after a while stir a little, the hay rustling beneath you as you wake from your nap. You can tell you hadn't been out long but you feel a little better for it. You feel really hot, you sit up expecting to see Brittany next to you but she isn't. You raise your hand to block the sun and you look around wondering where she went. You yawn, hop off the truck and stretch a little. You suddenly hear a screeching noise but it's subtle, you walk toward its source. The nearer you approach the barn you begin to get memories of your game of hide and seek the last time you were here and you smile a little. It fades though as you realize the noise is Lucy and it sound likes she's crying or whining. You walk quickly into the barn and Lucy is sitting restlessly at the bottom of the ladder, looking up like she wants to climb it but can't.

You're about to ask her what's wrong but then you realize she's a fucking dog and can't exactly answer you back.

Sniff.

Your head shoots up to the top of the ladder and you can't see the entire level from down here but you're sure you heard a sniff. Like someone's crying.

"Brittany?" you call out softly and begin climbing the ladder.

You hear Lucy whine beneath you like she's sad you are able to climb a ladder but she can't.

You reach the top of the ladders and look into the corner; Brittany's lying on her side on a huge pile of hay, her shoulders shaking slightly, the occasional sniff coming from her direction. Your heart sinks, she must be crying.

You don't trust standing on this level, so you crawl over on all fours toward her. "Brittany? Are you OK?" you ask as you near her feet and simply sit at the end of her body. You can't quite see her face from here because she's turned away from you but you can tell she has been crying. "Britt, look at me, please" you say quietly.

She sniffs once more and sits up on the hay; her bowed head moving slowly up and bright blue teary eyes are looking back at you. She sniffs again and runs the back of her hand under her nose, her face and around her eyes are a little red and you feel absolutely horrible. Seeing her cry is like seeing a puppy get kicked and you can't stand it, you don't want her to be sad, you don't want to see her sad ever again.

"Oh Britt," you coo and you scoot closer and closer to her until you're right beside her, the hay rustling beneath your movements. Without thinking about it you reach your hands out to her face and gently tuck away the stray bits of wispy blonde hair that had been sticking to her face. You continue stroking a hand through her hair.

She just sniffs again but looks at you with a little more awe.

You cup both her cheeks in your hands and you just stare at her, your heartbeat speeding up. You lean in closer to her and she watches you, her mouth agape a little.

"I…" you sigh and run the pad of your thumb under her eyes to sweep away a tear that just silently fell.

You feel light-headed and you think you're about to do something stupid like kiss her so you drop your hands and lay them on your thigh. Your face is still close to hers and you just watch as more tears fall silently from her, only the occasional sniff breaking the silence.

She isn't saying anything to you.

"Lucy's down there, I think she's worried about you" you offer a lame smile.

She doesn't laugh or smile back.

Brittany's blue orbs consider you for a moment and you watch as they drop to your lips and back up, her eyes still a little red and inflamed. She opens her mouth and her words come out thick and quiet, "Lucy tends to know when I'm upset, I came up here so she couldn't come after me, I just want to be alone"

"Oh," you sigh, feeling your heart swell in your chest.

She stares at you like you should leave.

"I'm not leaving," you tell her, "I can't stand to see you sad like this" you say as you shuffle even closer to her and your faces are oh so close, you feel like…you fell like…doing something stupid. You think your heart is actually breaking seeing her like this and you can't help but feel a little guilty, maybe it was from your talk earlier?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried earlier" you say and again your hands are automatically reaching out to her, you rest your left hand on her thigh and you feel your skin burn at the contact, even through clothes.

Brittany just sniffs again and shakes her head like it isn't your fault.

Your hearts beginning to pound all over your body and this time you feel like you have little control over yourself. You just want to take away her sadness. Before you know what you're doing or what you're even thinking you lean into her until the tip of your nose hits hers. You begin panting against her lips, finding it harder and harder to take in air the closer you are to her. Her eyelids fall a little heaver and she blinks looking startled by your actions, she looks right into your eyes, you're so close you can see every little freckle on her face and every shade of blue in her eyes.

"Santana, you don't want to do this," she whispers, her breath instantly hitting your lips.

You think you actually do.

You blink slowly at her already completely lost in everything that she is, you raise your left hand from her thigh and place it gently on her cheek, her smooth skin tingling beneath your touch. She sighs contently and leans into your palm like she can't get enough of you. The way she's leaned into your palm means her other cheek has tilted up toward you and you do the first thing that seems natural. You ghost your lips by hers, somehow willing yourself not to press yours onto hers and lick your lips then slowly press your lips against her cheek.

Your heart stops and for a second you feel nothing but bliss. Her cheek is so smooth against your lips and she tastes slightly sweet and salty from her tears. You lean away and quickly plant a kiss slightly above your last one and you whimper into her skin.

You hear her sigh into you and your whole body begins to shake. She smells like vanilla and you want to breathe her in more.

"Oh my god-" you pant and begin planting more and more forceful kisses onto her cheek, your lips and her skin getting damper and damper.

All you can hear is your own heart, both your heavy breathing and the smacking of your lips against her skin.

"You-" kiss. "Feel so-" kiss. "Good" you breathe against her and your kisses are getting more and more potent and heavy and you think you've pretty much kissed every inch of skin on this side of her face. You hope somehow you're soaking up all of her sadness.

"Oh Santana" she sighs into your ear and you feel tingles run down the walls inside your body.

"Brittany…" you practically moan back and you kiss your way down her cheek till your back at her lips and you hover them slightly over hers without touching. You're almost scared to feel her lips against yours.

You move your hands so you're cupping her cheeks again and you realize you're holding the most beautiful person you've ever met in the palm of your hand. You feel a little overwhelmed.

"I warned you Santana" Brittany whispers and there's a slight hint of playfulness about her tone. You look at her and her face seems a little brighter and she's no longer sniffing or crying.

"Warned me about what?" you breathe back, a smirk tugging your lips.

You feel so elated and all over the place.

"That if you made the first move I wouldn't be able to help myself," she says lowly, her eyelids so low that you think she's almost shut them completely.

She grabs both your wrists and suddenly spins you over, lying you down on your back against the hay and pinning your hands above your head once again. She climbs over you, looking down at you, her eyes laced with lust and conflict. Brittany slides her body up over yours so that she glides up over your stomach, then her breasts are pushing up against and sliding by yours.

Your gasp and you begin to pant again as her face comes up to meets yours. She's lying on top of you and instead of pushing her away or feeling guilt you arch your back up into her needing the contact.

"Please…" you sigh shakily at her.

You need her to do something.

She does. She leans down and nudges your nose playfully with hers before her lips lean down and press gently against yours. You let out a whimper as you feel your body turn to mush under her weight. You feel her smirk against your lips and you whimper again, the feeling vibrating your lips against hers. She sinks her lips further and more forcefully down onto yours and your whole body is frozen and buzzing and you haven't a fucking clue what to do. You're breathing hard through your nose and your clammy hands grasp at the straws of hay at your side. You feel like you're going to explode.

She does that little giggle you love and it trembles against your lips and you moan again and your heart flutters in response.

"Santana," she breathes playfully against your lips. You open your eyes and she's looking down at you mischievously. "Open up" she says her voice low and husky and she trails the tip of her nose along your lips.

"Oh my god I-"

You're silenced when Brittany presses even further down onto you and dips her tongue past your parted lips. You jolt in response as you feel her slippery tongue flutter itself under yours.

You feel your eyes roll to the back of your head and you whimper breathlessly into her mouth. Her tongue is snaking around and discovering all of you mouth and you're lying here completely overwhelmed by all the sensations and you think you're going fucking crazy, that, or you're about to pass out. You feel a knot form in your lower stomach and it feels like it's getting tighter and tighter.

Feeling a little brave, and spurred on by the throb now emerging between your legs, you clash your tongue with hers, slip past her lips and enter her mouth.

Holy fuck.

You're panting and making small noises of approval into her mouth because it's so fucking warm and wet and you feel her tongue dance with yours. You have goosebumps and you swear you could get off just by kissing her alone. You've never felt like this. You think you're high. The knot in your stomach is now deliciously loosening and you feel slickness pool between your legs. You clutch and ball the material of her overalls and run your hands all over her back, just needing to touch her everywhere.

"Ugh…" you moan and suck on Brittany's tongue and she breathes back harder in approval.

You kiss her hard and deep, your heart beating in your throat, your ears and your chest.

She's so…

A plaintive moan escapes Brittany's lips and she pulls back, your lips parting with a wet smack and she sucks your lower lip, lets it snap back to your face and she sits up moving away from you. You groan in frustration as her lips and body leave yours.

Your hearts about to burst out of your goddamn chest.

You sit up too and look at her. Her lips are swollen pink from kissing so much and her hair is a little dishevelled, you grin stupidly at her, she looks so goddamn cute. Your heart is still racing and you know you're supposed to feel guilty and bad but you don't. You actually don't think you've been happier.

"We can't do this," she says quietly, sounding a little breathless and she looks at you dejectedly.

"I know…" you sigh but you want to forget about everything, you just want to keep kissing her and feel what it feels like to not think about anything and instead feel like you're floating up to a high place.

"This is wrong on so many levels" she says and looks away from you.

You kneel and shuffle over to her. You lean into her face again and you feel like you'll die if you both stop what you're doing. "So wrong" you husk against her and recapture her lips with your own.

How can something so wrong feel so good?

She closes her eyes and her eyebrows go up like she's surprised by your actions and to be honest so are you.

You're kissing another woman, you're kissing someone who isn't Sam and you're not freaking out. Maybe because it feels right.

"Mhmmm" she sighs against your lips and you run your tongue along her lower lip to let you in again but she pulls away once more and shakes her head. "No…no Santana we…I…sorry I can't do this" she says quickly and she's turned around and is heading toward the ladder.

"NO wait, Brittany, OK we won't do anything…wait!" you call out to her but she's already at the bottom of the ladder and she's running out of the barn, Lucy at her heels.

Crap.

You figure it's pointless running after her so you take a minute to catch your breath. You can't believe you kissed her. It felt amazing. You almost want to throw up at how good it felt. Kissing Sam doesn't come anywhere close to that, you don't understand why though, is that how kissing is supposed to feel? You always did think kissing was overrated but now you're not so sure.

Feeling like your limbs are weightless and your head abnormally derived of all thought, you walk slowly back over to the ranch house in a wonderful daze.

By the time you get back it's dinnertime and Mrs. Evans forces you to sit and wait while she cooks a pasta dish. You ask her where Brittany is and she tells you she's in her room. You chew your lip nervously; did you make a huge mistake? Maybe she just wants to be alone.

Teddy comes in and sits at the table with you. "Will hot blonde be joining us?" he grins disgustingly at you.

"I don't know, and her name is Brittany" you say angrily.

"I'm also a hot blonde though" a voice floats from the hallway.

You loose your breath a little as Brittany comes walking in and sits down opposite you next to Teddy.

Teddy laughs like she just said the funniest thing ever and you want to hit him over the head.

You just want to talk to her alone, but you're forced to make small talk over dinner with the three of them. Brittany doesn't say much though. Teddy says he's going into town to the bar so he heads off after dinner.

"I'm going to have an early night, goodnight dears," Mrs. Evans informs you both.

"I'll do the dishes Mrs. Evans" Brittany says quickly and moves toward the sink.

"She's a godsend isn't she?" Mrs. Evans smiles to you and departs.

You turn around and smile at Brittany wistfully, "yeah she is" you sigh at her.

"Santana," she sighs as she begins washing the dishes and you just watch her hands with interest. "About what happened, it shouldn't have happened OK? Nothing can happen between us. OK so we got out of our systems but I still think you should tell Sam"

"S-s-sam?" you stutter out. You feel sick because it's the first time you've even thought of him all day.

"Yes, remember? Your husband to be?" Brittany says passive-aggressively. "I think you're in denial about your wedding because you don't seem to be preparing for it at all"

You open your mouth to argue but nothing comes out.

"What did you expect huh? That I'd just be your bit on the side to experiment with when you deal with your sexuality?"

You look around in a panic.

"Please Santana, nobody is here to overhear. Seriously, did you expect me just to play along, expect me just to make out with you while you go marry a guy?"

Her voice is getting more and more uneven and you don't think you've ever seen her this emotional.

"No! It's not like that" you say and you walk right up to her side, looking down into the sink as her hands angrily scrub plates. "It's not like that," you repeat quietly, "I don't expect anything from you, I don't even know what it is I'm doing to be honest" you sigh and slump your shoulders sadly.

You reach out your hand and it's shaking but you place it on the small of her back and she stops her movements and sighs.

"All I know is that when I kissed you, it was the best feeling I've ever experienced" you whisper into her side and begin to rub your hand into her back. You exhale shakily, even touching her feels so good, you still can't believe it. "When I touch Sam it's nice but like nothing more happens, and then I touch you and…I go crazy…touching you feels so good" you say and you feel yourself swoon into her.

"Don't," she breathes quietly.

"I want to kiss you again" you say quickly and lean your forehead onto her shoulder.

"You can't," she says regretfully and she shrugs off your touch. "I'm going to bed early too"

"I'll wait up," you say back and you sit at the table and think about the mess that is your life right now.

"If you must know" she says and turns to you, a smirk back on her face and you sigh in relief, thinking maybe she isn't totally mad with you. "Your lips are big and delicious and I want to kiss you again too," she says coyly before turning around and doing the rest of the dishes.

You laugh a little and feel your face burn. She makes you so happy.

Both you and Brittany walk slowly upstairs and into the hall, you stop just outside her room and she looks at you curiously.

"So," you say awkwardly, your eyes darting from hers to the door.

You watch as her tongue runs along her lower lip and she smirks a little at you, "soooo" she drawls out too, an impish glint in her eye.

You laugh a little uneasily, "So am I going to be able to sleep tonight? I mean you fixed whatever was wrong right? I'm not going to get soaked?"

She puts her hands in her overall pockets and leans against the wall casually, her eyes move up your body slowly and they stop at your lips. "Soaked? Not from the ceiling no" she smirks.

You suck in your lips to stop yourself from practically whining at her words, "you need to stop that," you say frankly.

"Stop what?" she leers.

"Stop being so…_you_" you stutter out. "Stop being sexy and adorable, this isn't going to work if you keep doing this, you said nothing should happen between us so quit teasing me!" you hiss at her, glancing around the hall making sure no one was around to overhear.

Brittany laughs softly, takes a hand out of her pocket and runs her knuckles along the wallpaper "teasing you is the best part" she says lowly, blue eyes staring at you in yearning.

You feel a little light-headed so you lean against the wall mirroring her position, your forehead tilting against the wallpaper and you inch a little closer to her.

"Brittany" you breathe out quietly, your lungs are doing that awesome panicky breathing again and you feel yourself just wanting to get closer and closer to her.

"Santana" she says back equally as quiet but a little more seriously. "Flirting is all we can ever do, you know that, at least let us have that. We can't cross that line, everybody is just going to get hurt in the end"

"I know it's supposed to feel wrong but…" you trail and look into ocean blue eyes "but you feel so good" you admit shakily, a smile spreading across your face.

Brittany smiles a little, her cheeks flushing. "You feel good too, I wish I knew how good all of you felt outside of my dreams," she admits quietly.

Something tugs at your heartstrings and you look at her sadly, "I've never felt this way about anyone before" you whisper.

"Even Sam?" she whispers back, her hand momentarily touching your side but she snaps it back and stows it back in her pocket.

You swallow thickly, "Even Sam" you say firmly.

"You know we're more or less having an affair, right?" she says to you honestly.

You feel hurt and panic flow throughout you, "Oh God" you mumble, bringing your hand up to your lips subconsciously. "We are aren't we?"

"I've already began to doubt my capabilities as a counselor Santana, don't make me begin to doubt myself as a person, I don't want to be that woman, the _other _person"

"I know," you sigh sympathetically and you try your hardest not to reach out and touch her, you look down at the floor lost in thought. You have no idea what to do about any of this.

"Santana?" Brittany's voice coaxes you out of thought.

You look up at her.

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

You blink at her, the question startling you immediately. "Uh," you hesitate, "I think so I'm not sure"

Brittany leans up away from the wall and sighs "well I do" she says with a small nod and a kind tilt of the head.

You just stare at her speechless.

She just smiles sadly, turns around and heads into her room leaving you with that statement. Before you can drag yourself into yours in a dumb state of numbness, the door opens again and Brittany pops her head out.

"Oh and Santana?"

"Mhmm?"

"You can come in and sleep beside me any time" she says airily "But I _will _be naked, I'm not changing my ways for you" she says in a cute huff and shuts the door on you.

You feel your heart thump against your skin and you don't even try to fight the biggest beam that's ever been on your face.

"I wouldn't have you any other way," you sigh quietly to yourself with a smile.

You enter your own room and change into pajamas then crawl into bed yawning. You feel overwhelmed by everything today, yet you don't think you can sleep. You'd give anything for that damn puddle to appear above your head and for you to go and sleep next to Brittany again. Suddenly the noise of your phone rings brings you out your thoughts. You reach over and grab your phone from the bedside table. You don't recognize the number on-screen.

"Hello?" you say quietly into the receiver.

"Santana" a voice giggles back.

Of course it's Brittany.

You grin into your phone, "You know Britt I'm just next door you-"

"No, I didn't want to speak to you," she interrupts, "I just wanted to tell you something"

"What?" you ask with a curious smile.

"I'm in bed naked thinking about you"

Your jaw drops open but before you can respond the lines went dead.

You put the phone back and your breathing has completely changed. What does this mean? Do you want to be with her? Why did she call and tell you something like that? Does she just like to tease you or was it an invitation? Maybe it was.

You debate whether to get up and go next door. What the fuck are you thinking? No you can't.

You lie down on your body and wrap the covers tightly around yourself as if to prevent your body from moving against your will.

Brittany's right you can't do this. What about Sam? You can see his face fall in your mind if he ever saw what you and Brittany were doing today. Your stomach lurches with guilt.

She's right, you can't do this.

You just wish it didn't feel so good.


	11. Can't

**Chapter 11 – Can't**

You look over to the clock on the bedside table; it's 9:47am. You've been awake for a few hours now actually, and you've heard movement out in the hall and downstairs, but for some reason you don't want to move. You figure you'll have to eventually because your bladder is currently making it difficult for you, maybe you can run to the toilet then quickly come back and no one will notice. All of yesterday is replaying over and over again in your mind. Brittany's story, her opening up to you, kissing her. Brittany was right, you're having an affair, and every time you think about it your stomach lurches and you feel sick with guilt and anxiety.

In your mind though, if you block out everything and everyone else, and just replay Brittany's smiling at you, her lips kissing you back, divulging to you her past. Your heart feels fuzzy and you want to curl up into a ball and just smile stupidly at yourself. Fuck. What does this mean? Does it mean what you think it means? OK so you might be considering the possibility you aren't straight but you can't do anything about it, can you? You're not going to…come out…or anything. There's nothing to come out about because you have Sam, right? Maybe now you've kissed Brittany, the curious side to you is gone. There's no more feelings, no more mystery, no more tension, shouldn't this make things easier? It was a one off and it'll never happen again. Yes, that has to be it.

You roll your eyes and begin to get out of bed begrudgingly because now you really need to pee and you can't hold it in any longer.

You don't know why but you're tiptoeing across the hall to the bathroom and you go to open the door but someone opens it from the other side. You blink and shake your head a little as hot steam comes bellowing toward you.

"Oops, sorry just came out a shower" a voice says.

Once the steam clears up a little and your eyes adjust to the light your jaw drops at the sight before you. Brittany's standing in front of you, towel wrapped around her head and a white fluffy one around her body. You can see the sheen of damp water gleam over her collarbone and her face and she looks kind of angelic.

"Oh," she says like she just realizes it's you, "hi" she says softly and gives you a small smile.

"Uh…hi" you breathe back.

So much for no tension.

"I just came in to do the toilet," you say dumbly, staring at the top half of her chest. You haven't a fucking clue why you're telling her this.

"I figured," she smirks at you and her eyes look like they are revelling in yours, like she likes that you're looking at her. "People normally come to the toilet to use it"

You watch as a drop of water slowly slides it's way down her chest and disappears under the towel where it dips into the valley between her breasts. You blink and look back up at her eyes and feel yourself flush.

"Uh…right" you say awkwardly. "Hey uhm, I'll probably be leaving soon, I want to get back before dinner"

"Oh," she says and she sounds disappointed but not surprised. Her shoulders slump a little.

"Yeah," you rub the back of your neck awkwardly and your hearts beginning to thud against your chest again. It's like it can't fucking handle anything more than 10 seconds of being in her company. "So, I was wondering if we could talk"

"OK," she nods and her head does a sort of sympathetic tilt. "I'm going into your room now to dry my hair, you can talk to me after you use the toilet if you want"

"OK" you nod.

She smiles and brushes by you and you close your eyes and try not swoon at how warm and wet and wonderful she looks, or by how delicious she smells, like strawberries this time.

You hear her giggle as she walks away and she must be laughing at you. Your stomach still flutters in response.

After you finish in the toilet you go back to your room and close the door behind you. Brittany is sitting on the floor with a hair-dryer and brush in front of the walk in closet's mirror. You just stand and stare at her in the mirror.

"I hope you don't mind, the mirror in here is bigger"

"Not at all" you say and you begin to play with your hands.

She eyes you suspiciously, "are you OK? I assume you want to talk about yesterday?"

You swallow thickly and nod, suddenly unable to form words.

"Uhm…" Brittany sighs and gives you shy smile in the mirror. "Well I really liked kissing you, was…was it good for you?" she asks and it's probably the first time you've seen her look unsure of herself.

"Oh uhm…yeah it was good for me" you say slowly, hardly believing you're having this conversation, "I mean," you give a hollow laugh, "It was the best damn kiss I ever had to be honest"

She stares at you then chews her bottom lip and starts to trace her fingers along her collarbone like she's flustered. Instead of saying anything back she takes off the towel on her head and her straggly wet hair comes falling down around her shoulders. You just stare at her. You're supposed to be talking.

"It can't happen again" she says to you.

"Right," you agree but it comes out like you don't agree.

"You said you wanted to kiss me again last night though, so are you saying you don't want to kiss me again now?" she asks and scrunches up her face.

"Now? As in right now?"

"Right now" she says firmly and looks at you seriously.

Fuck. You can't breathe.

"D-d-d you get some kick out of being this up and down with me? I mean, you're teasing me and being close to me but then-"

"Pot calling the kettle black huh?" she interjects and smiles a little at you. "You're kinda up and down with me too Santana," she says sadly with a shrug of her shoulder.

You shake your head because you can't really argue with that and you walk toward the bed. This whole situation is such a mess.

"Look Brittany," you sigh impatiently and slump down on her bed. Her blue eyes look at you forlornly in the mirror and she continues brushing her wet hair, sitting on the floor. "One minute you're saying this is wrong, and the next you're calling me and telling me you're naked and thinking about me, what am I supposed to think?"

"I told you flirting is all we can have," she says to you sternly.

"But look what it made me do!" you hiss at her and look at the door to make sure it's shut. "We kissed yesterday"

Brittany gives a short laugh, "Santana, I'm going to assume your memory is failing on you but it wasn't my flirting that made us kiss. _You_ kissed _me_. I was crying and wanted to be alone, _you're _the one who stayed, and you're the one who kissed me even though I warned you right before that you shouldn't"

You find it hard to swallow and just stare at her. Holy crap she's right. "I…" you begin but have no idea what to say, "I just wanted you to stop crying" you mumble.

"And the normal persons response is to kiss a person when they're crying? You know, friends normally just hug and eat ice cream or something"

You roll your eyes, "you know how you make me feel though."

"Actually I don't," she says shortly, placing her hairbrush down and staring at you in the mirror. "What am I to you Santana? Mhmm? Friend? Make out buddy? Flirty friend? Counselor? What? How is it exactly I make you feel?"

Your hearts thudding harshly against your chest and you wish it would shut up because you can't think. Fuck. You think you're going to cry. Yep. You feel the back of your eyes sting and you blink several times and clench your stomach to stop the tears from falling. "You…uh…you make me feel…" you whisper and you can feel your own voice shaking.

Brittany's expression has now fallen and she turns around on the floor to look at you.

"I…I told you nobody makes me feel like you do. You make me feel so big, yet so small. So special and important yet so god damn insignificant, you make me feel like I'm falling when I'm standing still and I miss you when you're gone so much it hurts. I feel like I'm sleeping when I'm not with you, that I never really lived till I met you. Every time you laugh or smile at me I swear I think I'm about to die and that I'd actually be OK with that."

She blinks at you and purses her lips, looking away bashfully, and you still feel your heart beating and you think you're about to throw up.

"OK," she says quietly in resignation. "I'll stop flirting with you, if it makes your life easier"

You swallow thickly and nod at her, "thanks"

"But Santana?" she says softly and her eyes lock with your own. "It won't stop you falling in love with me"

Your heart stops and you feel an awkward feeling run down your spine.

"W-w-what? I'm not…" you trail and you just stare at her in disbelief. Your heart starts pounding hard against your chest and you can almost feel the blood rush to your cheeks and your ears. "How dare you just assume…" you trail again because you have no idea what you want to say, your whole body is in a panic like it's switching frantically between embarrassment, realization and anger.

You decide to go with anger.

"I…I'm not falling in love with you" you scoff and frown at her. "Geez, could you be more fucking arrogant?"

Brittany's eyes sink to the floor and suddenly she looks a lot more miserable. "So, you're not falling in love with me then?" she whispers and isn't even looking at you. You can't tell if she pities you or if she's actually hurt. "It's just how you just described your feelings just now sounds a lot like…" she trails too and doesn't finish her sentence.

You don't think you've ever felt your own anger disperse so quickly in all your life. You feel your muscles loosen and you exhale feeling the anger leave your body. You get up from the bed and kneel down on the floor so you're sitting opposite her.

"I don't know the answer to that question," you say honestly.

She nods a little and looks up at you, her usually calm blue eyes now dark and stormy.

You suddenly remember she was really sad yesterday; you've been so fucking self-involved that you forgot.

"Are you feeling better today? You seemed pretty upset yesterday"

"Oh, yeah I suppose. You just reopened old wounds I guess" she says quietly and looks away from you.

"Sorry about that" you mumble, feeling genuine guilt.

She looks back at you and her face suddenly looks brighter as her lips form a large grin. "It's OK, you kissed them better"

You give a nervous laugh and feel like your heart has sprouted wings and is now fluttering around your chest. Holy fuck.

"You better go," she says, her smile faltering and falling a little. "Get some breakfast and head out, you've got a long drive back"

"Yeah" you say tonelessly. You don't want to leave. "I wish you were coming back," you admit to her, your heart still fluttering in a way that it's beginning to make you feel uncomfortable.

"I am" she says simply and smiles at you politely.

"W-what?" you ask stunned and you can't help but grin. "You're coming back? You'll come back and counsel me?" you ask excitedly.

"No"

"What? Why not?" you frown at her feeling confused.

"I'm technically still on vacation, but I have no intention of resuming my counseling sessions with you Santana, like I said, I want you to stick with Emma for a while"

You grumble feeling stupidly rejected. "But you're coming back to the city right?"

"Yeah, Mrs. Evans says she doesn't need three weeks of my help" Brittany says with a small smile.

"When will I see you again?" you ask quickly. OK so she may not be counseling you but she's not going to be in a different state, this can only be good.

Brittany tilts her head and her eyes shift like she's thinking, "You have my number I guess, besides…I'll be around" she says ambiguously.

You just nod at her as you stand up. Sensing the conversation has come to an end you walk slowly to the door. You turn around before adding "Hey Britt? It makes me really happy you're not going to be so far away from me"

Fuck. What's with all the honesty and feelings and stuff lately?

"Oh I don't know about that Santana, I still think I'm pretty far away from you" she sighs back.

You feel the wings in your heart die and sink down and you frown and open your mouth to reply but she quickly presses the hair-dryer on and it blasts loudly throughout the room.

You leave feeling confused about what she meant.

After you have breakfast, Brittany says she's taking Lucy for a walk and going to check something on the farm. Mr. and Mrs. Evans are going into town, so you can't leave just yet. You head upstairs to start packing your things and you can't help but feel a little down. You walk by Brittany's room and you notice the door is open, feeling curiosity tug at you, you double check the corridor and creep inside.

You smirk looking at the messy bed, you only wish you got to sleep in it again, beside her. You walk around and look on top of her dresser, you make a mental note to yourself to _not _check anywhere near the region of the top drawer after last time. Once again you find she doesn't have any pictures, which you guess isn't that odd since this isn't her home. Then again she didn't have any in her actual home either. You wonder if she's even got any family left, since she practically grew up an orphan. Your heart pangs horribly, you really want to hug her but she's not here.

A red binder that's lying under the bed catches your eye. You kneel down and drag it out from under. You look at the cover:

**Counseling Notes**

_2012-2013_

_Brittany S. Pierce_

_Staff Number: 48709 Room: 47_

You stare at it in wonder and you begin to feel nervous. Maybe your notes are in this? You chew your nails and spend a good few minutes looking between the door and the folder in your hands. Fuck it.

You open the folder and it's tagged in alphabetical order, you flip the pages quickly for fear of getting caught and you jump to the 'L' section.

"Lopez, Lopez, Lopez…ah" you mumble and finally come to your notes.

Should you really be doing this?

You take the sheets of paper out the sleeve and you read the first page any way, it's dated the same day you first met her.

'_Santana Lopez. 25. Patient is currently not on any medication and has had no previous mental illness or psychiatric treatment. Patient on first analysis seems to be suffering from stress, anxiety and bouts of depression. Danger for long term illness if not handled appropriately. Sleep pattern is disturbed and mood seems erratic. Seems to have an arrogant façade to hide her low self-esteem. Patient is not happy with personal situations at home or at work and seems to be bitter with her surroundings. Psychiatric intervention is not needed at this time. Treatment plan consists of regular cognitive behavioural therapy, medication and relaxation methods as well as covering of certain topics and building of both short term and long term goals...'_

You flip the page harshly and feel kind of annoyed. Is this how she sees you?

You skim over more notes from later meetings, most of it seemingly complicated but certain paragraphs catch your eye.

'…_Patient seems to have an alter-ego complex; high expectations of herself that it has become a vicious cycle of expectations vs. reality resulting in her never meeting her own expectations. External pressure and internal pressure are both accountable for this. Patient is stubborn and very self-aware, getting her to mentally break away from her negative style of thinking will require approximately 8-10 sessions, possibly more…'_

You wonder if all her notes are this cold. You flip over again and another part catches your eye.

'…_Patient seems confused about her sexual identity. Appears to be conflicted over romantic and possible sexual feelings for that of the same gender. Her own relationship experience seems limited and lacking in depth. Patient may have confused or romanticized close platonic relationship with her fiancée from a young age and mistaken or willed herself into believing it is a romantic relationship by default…'_

You feel the paper slip from your hand and you stare into space, your mouth open a little. You feel so confused and angry with her. How dare she just assume things? Is this what she fucking thinks of you? How dare she belittle your relationship with Sam, it's not like that. It can't be. She has to be wrong.

You're about to stash the notes away when you see at the bottom of each page there's a little sentence or two, and before each it says 'personal note'. You quickly flip back to the first page again and you read the first personal note from your first meeting with Brittany.

'_Personal note: I'm not a believer in love at first sight but I'm beginning to question that now. This woman I met today is the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.'_

You feel yourself laugh and your heart rise a little. You blush and shake your head. Is this what she thought of you when she first met you? Ugh. You feel kind of relieved because you thought your instant connection to her had been one sided. You flip through the rest of the pages eagerly and read more:

'_Personal note: Session went well today. Santana followed me to the park after work though. I'm flattered really, but I have no idea what this woman's intentions are. She could be straight and even if she's not, I fear I might read too much into things and she's just developed a great bond of trust with me. I just hope she doesn't become too instantly attached, that could lead to problems. A twist of fate has brought us together though, it turns out the ranch I purchased belongs to her fiancée's relatives.'_

You feel your stomach sink and you roll your eyes at yourself. You knew stalking her to that fucking park was a bad idea. You look forward and read another:

'_Personal note: Checked out the ranch and most seems to be well. Being there with Santana made one thing very clear though, she's definitely attracted to me, and I'm attracted to her. I hope this is a silly crush on a 'straight' woman.'_

'_Personal note: This woman makes my adrenaline go faster than when I'm riding bike, which you know, is pretty darn fast. I need to be careful here, this has never happened to me before'_

'_Personal note: We've definitely crossed a line; I thought we could safely dance around it but we've, no scratch that, I've crossed a line. I could lose my job over this if she reports me. I wish I didn't like her so much. She's engaged to be married, but it's like I can't keep away from her.'_

You read more and more and you grin like an idiot as her attraction and feelings become more and more evident through her writing. You arrive at the last one and you gulp a little as it simply reads:

'_Personal note: The things I want to do to this woman'_

Well then.

You feel slightly guilty now because you've completely intruded on her privacy but you couldn't help yourself. You quickly stow the notes away and slide it under the bed where they were.

Awhile later you say your goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Evans once they return and you have your stuff packed back up. You go down to the kitchen and Brittany's standing by the table, bouncing on her feet looking a little nervous.

You put your suitcase down on the floor and simply stare at her. She bats her lashes at you bashfully as she runs her index finger along the wooden table.

You eye her and feel a smirk form on your face, "what're you thinking?" you ask coyly sensing nothing but mischief from her.

"I'm thinking I could fuck you so hard over this table you won't be able to walk for a week" she smirks.

Your stomach feels like a damn yo-yo when it comes spiralling upwards then plummets downwards.

"I…uh…" you stutter out and feel yourself blush. "You said you wouldn't-"

"Flirt with you?" she smirks. "Yeah I know sorry, I thought I'd say one last flirty type thing to you, besides I don't think that counts, that's what I was genuinely thinking, honest" she says in candid innocence. "Because then I was thinking how you would get a splinter out from…certain places…" she giggles a little.

You grin stupidly at her. Ugh. She's so damn cute.

You can't deal with her.

"I guess I'll see you soon or whatever," you say eventually.

"Yeah"

You move forward to hug her or something but she shakes her head at you. "Wouldn't want you doing something stupid now, would we?" she quirks her eyebrow.

You roll your eyes playfully at her. "Sure, hey look Brittany, I just want you to know, that I had the best time ever this weekend" you admit quietly to her.

"Yeah," she agrees kindly "me too" she smiles.

You get the feeling that she meant it and wasn't just saying it to be polite.

On the drive back home you think about nothing other than yet again replaying the day before in your head, trying desperately to soak up and keep hold of every memory like it's fresh in your mind. The taste of her lips against yours, but it's like holding water and you find some details slip away.

Just another reason why you want to kiss her again.

You come home from work on Monday and you're actually really glad you're seeing Emma tomorrow; you need to tell someone about the weekend. Quinn was off sick today so you got to enjoy your coffee in peace. Fuck. You'll have to tell Quinn too. She's not going to be happy.

You're lying snuggled up to Sam on the sofa and you feel kind of numb. You still can't believe the weekend happened. You receive a text message from Quinn and it reads:

_Bridesmaids dress shopping at the weekend, u up for it? You'll probably now have 2 invite Brittany I guess_

You stare at the screen and you wonder if Quinn is pissed. It's not like you wanted Brittany to be your goddamn bridesmaid. You type your reply:

_Sure xx_

Yeah. You aren't really the texting or talkative type.

You wonder though, should you text and ask Brittany? You feel awkward asking her over text. Maybe you should quickly go round to hers and ask before you head to bed.

"Something wrong? Who's texting you?" Sam asks, stirring you out your senses.

"Brittany," you quickly lie. "She wants me to come over to plan dress shopping at the weekend"

Holy fucking hell. Not only did you just lie your pants off, you did it almost without thinking. You really are a certified cheater.

"Oh, you sure you want her as another bridesmaid?" he asks.

"Yeah why? I mean she's my friend so" you say pretty defensively.

Sam chuckles a little and you feel his stomach move beneath you. "I know Santana, I like Brittany. I was just checking if you were OK with it"

You feel your stomach simmer with guilt.

"Oh yeah…it's fine…"

You kiss him on the cheek. "I'll be an hour at most, won't be long"

You get a taxi over and you feel nervous as you begin to walk up the stairs in her apartment block. Is it really OK if you just show up uninvited? It's a Monday night but what if she isn't even in? Isn't it a bit creepy you already want to see her even though you just said goodbye yesterday?

You knock at her door and you hear movement inside. You wring your fingers together and feel nervous.

The door opens but you're not met with Brittany. Rachel, wearing nothing but what looks like one of Brittany's sweaters is in front of you instead.

You open your mouth and stare at her as the blood drains from your face.

"Santana right? You're here to see Brittany or something?" she asks and twiddles her hair around one of her fingers looking bored by your presence.

You feel like airs not entering your lungs and you just shake your head and begin to walk away feelings numb. Brittany was with her? How could she just…

You feel like you're going to throw up.

You stumble back down the hall and you hear her call after you but you're not really listening.

You've never felt so sick and jealous in all your life. Fuck everything. Your heart pangs horribly in your chest and for the first time in your entire fucking life you think it's been broken. It feels so hollow. Your limbs feel heavy as you walk numbly down the stairs. You feel like crying because slowly you're beginning to realize that you don't play the role in Brittany's life that you want to. That the one you're in now just isn't enough.

You reach the bottom level and you realize you have to call a cab to get back; you're about to leave the building when you hear someone clamour down the stairs behind you.

"Santana?" comes Brittany's worried voice.

You sigh and turn around. Brittany's coming quickly down the stairs, she's wearing a cute pink woollen cardigan with jean shorts and you can't help but feel a smile twitch your lips when you realize she's ran out of her place without any shoes on.

"Rachel said you were here, is something wrong?" she asks, now standing in front of you and looking a little out of breath.

"Oh you know," you begin dryly and shrug. "Nothing, just clearly you are Rachel are having sex so I thought fuck it"

Wow. Bitter much?

"Wait what?" Brittany says frowning.

You roll your eyes at her playing dumb.

"Come on up Santana, I think we should talk" she says to you calmly.

"Uh…no thanks, I don't want to interrupt your alone time with your midget" you snarl at her and cross your arms.

"Her names Rachel" Brittany says to you flatly. "And she's just leaving, she's going home, I won't ask again – come up and we'll talk"

You roll your eyes but you find yourself following her because it's pretty hard to say no to anything she says.

Once you get to the threshold, Rachel's actually got on pants this time and is walking out. "It was nice seeing you again Santana" she smiles awkwardly at you.

OK, well now you feel a little guilty because she seems sincere. Brittany waves her a way and you walk into Brittany's place. Whatever. You don't fucking care.

"Look," you sigh as soon as you hear the door shut behind you, "I know I have absolutely no right to be jealous, I'm with Sam, you're single, you're allowed to be with whoever you want, but I just hate the thought of you with her, OK? I don't like. There I said it. I'm fucking jealous" you rant at her and fold your arms.

The silence creeps by and she's just looking at you with a serious expression on her face.

She clears her throat a little and shifts on her feet. "Are you done?"

You feel like your mother is scolding you as a child.

"Uh…yeah…that's it" you say awkwardly and lean against the back of the sofa.

Brittany walks to the kitchen door and leans back on the door frame, looking at you in a way that reminds you of the way she looks at you in room 47. Like she's studying you.

"You're right about me and Rachel but you're also wrong. Not that my personal life is any of your business but yes, Rachel and me are friends, but whenever we're both not in relationships we have casual sex. It's nothing serious, I don't have serious relationships, and I enjoy sex with my friends. Having said that Rachel and me haven't had sex recently, she came over because she was free today and we hung around in here doing nothing. I think I spent at least half the day talking to her about you. She went to kiss me and for the first time ever, I said no. I told her I was too hung up on someone else, so I spent forever talking about you. So whatever Santana, your childish jealously wasn't needed today" she says and gives a cold shrug.

"I…oh…" you sigh and you're suddenly trying to take all this information in. "You could have kissed her if you want," you begin, feeling guilty, "you're right it's none of my business" you say quietly.

You should just fucking leave.

"Yeah well, it's not your problem I don't want to be with anyone else because of you"

"What?" you ask and you feel your heart stop.

There's a brief silence and you feel like you could hear a pin drop.

"What?" she parrots back.

"Y-y-you don't want to be with anyone else?" you ask and your voice is trembling.

Oh fuck.

"Oh," she sighs shyly and runs her hand down the door frame, "Uhm, no not really. I want to be with you."

"You want to be with me?" you repeat and you feel like it isn't sinking in at all.

"I want to be with you," she whispers back and her eyes soften.

"What do you mean? Like, what would that mean? You_ being_ with me…" you ask and you roll your eyes at your own question.

You're scared that you've just somehow misunderstood her.

Brittany suddenly doesn't look as standoffish and she laughs softly, tilting her head to the side. Slowly, she comes walking toward you and you feel your heart beat louder with every step she takes.

"Well…" she drawls out and a thoughtful smile dances across her lips and she looks up in thought almost as if lost in them. "It means I'd be able to hold you like this" she says softly as she comes to a standstill right in front of you and wraps her arms around your waist.

You immediately tense up at her touch as you feel her hands clasp behind your back, and you feel the warmth of her front press into you. You don't know what to do with your hands so you place them on her arms. She's standing here with her arms wrapped around you and you feel all tingly. You can't breathe. You want to run the fuck away but you feel your boobs graze against hers and instead you lean into her, needing to be closer.

"It means I'd cheer you up when you feel down, and it means we'd go walks in the park. We'd hug on the sofa and watch movies together, play games together, go shopping together and go out together" she says softly and she starts rubbing one of her hands up and down the small of your back and you feel light-headed a little. The motion is putting you into a trance and you feel yourself just melt into her.

"We'd meet each others friends and stuff and eat ice cream together, and we'd argue about who uses the bathroom first in the morning" she says softly and you watch her lips form a larger smile. Bright blue eyes fall down to your lips and her voice drops lower. "I'd make love to you every night, we'd take baths together and I'd do things to you you've never even dreamt of before" she breathes and her face is suddenly closer.

You actually fucking swoon and grip her arms tighter. You're completely hypnotized.

"We'd take vacations together, and you'd put sunscreen on me and I'd hold your hair back if you got drunk and threw up in the toilet" she smirks and her eyes are back on yours.

You give an uneven laugh as you find yourself drowning in her words. Your stomachs doing a million things, it feels like an invisible hand is just using it as its personal squeeze ball.

"I'd take you to nice bars too, and then we'd argue because I'd make you start walking Lucy and you don't want to get up that early on Sunday but you'd do it anyway because it's me, but sometimes we'd lie in after hours of me fucking you senseless and then I'd kiss you on the forehead and make you some of my super awesome yummy waffles" she smiles and she's now so close she's breathing the words against your face. "I'd hug you a lot and hold your hand, and we'd make plans and we'd just be…together…"

Your hearts thumping around inside your entire body and you just blink slowly at her, completely lost. You feel a tear slide down your own cheek; you're startled because you didn't even feel it coming.

"Wow…" you breathe out shakily and she stills her hand on your back once more.

You don't know what to say, you don't think you've ever heard such a perfect combination of words. You're so enamored by everything she is.

"Why are you crying gorgeous?" she smiles at you calmly as she brings a hand back round and she gently wipes away the tear that's now at your chin.

Every time she touches you the blood and cells beneath your skin buzz in excitement.

"Because," you say quietly and you can't fucking stand this anymore. "If I wasn't sure before I'm sure now, I think I am falling in love with you"

"Mhmm," Brittany makes an ecstatic humming sound as she smiles wide and serenely at you. "That's good because I'm falling in love with you too"

Your whole body just feels like flailing as your mind turns to a blissful mush. You don't think you've ever felt happier in your entire life, and it seems too good to be true you're expecting something to come along and burst your bubble or for Brittany to suddenly say she's joking.

Brittany sighs then steps away from you and you instantly miss her touch. "But, you should probably leave before _I _do something stupid" she smiles and chuckles a little.

"You?" you say surprised and can't help but grin at her. "But you said you'd never initiate anything"

"Well, I'm finding that increasingly harder" she smirks at you and twirls shyly on the spot.

You laugh a little and nod. You feel sadness and reality bring you back down to earth. "Sam's all I've ever known" you admit quietly, "I can't just leave him…can I?"

You don't know if you're actually asking her or of it's just rhetorical.

She sighs sadly and looks away, "the decision is yours Santana, you know what I want, but what is it you want? Do you want a life with me or with him? You can't have both, I can't have all of you if you share yourself with someone else too, and if I can't have all of you then it's not worth having"

Fuck.

You swallow thickly and you try not to fucking cry and wonder how you got so damn lucky to have a women like this have all these feelings for you.

"Sam and I have been together for almost ten years, he was my first – my first time having sex, my first date, my first friend, my first prom. I don't know what I'd do without him, he's always just been there," you divulge further and you start to feel nauseas with guilt again. "Then there's the money my parents have put into the wedding, and…and Sam's face if he ever found out…" you say more quickly and you think you're beginning to panic.

"Santana," Brittany's soft voice calls out to you and you feel yourself become instantly calmer. You chew your lip in apprehension as her eyes scan your face. "I know you're confused and the situation is messy and honestly I'm asking a lot from you, but just think about it. I want you to be happy above all else, if being with Sam makes you happy, happier than it does than being with me then I'll just have to accept that"

Your stomach whirls because you don't think, especially recently, Sam's ever made you as happy as Brittany has. So much so you just want to be with her all the damn time. You wonder what the hell happened and how it all came to this. Did you feel this way about Sam once and it just faded? You don't think so; at least, you don't think you can remember. You don't ever remember feeling this way about anyone or anything in your entire damn life.

"You make me so happy Britt, I feel like I'm delirious with happiness…or something…" you mumble and you feel yourself blush and look away.

You hear her giggle faintly.

"You have a lot to think about" Brittany says and there's a tone of finality in her voice.

You sense it's time to leave.

You do and find yourself heading to the nearest bar instead of instantly back home. You've never even been to this place before but you just need a drink to settle your nerves.

You order scotch on the rocks and you swig it back. You can't just leave Sam for another women, can you? What would everyone say behind your back? Your parents would flip their shit of that you're certain. They'll all think you're crazy, especially if they find out Brittany's also your therapist. Are you crazy? You must be for even thinking about contemplating it. Then again you can't help but remember Brittany's words and you never knew you wanted something so badly until she said all of those things. It just feels so right. You finish your drink and order another. You've got work tomorrow but you don't find yourself caring. You want out that damn place anyway.

"Hey darlin'" a scruff voice from your side suddenly says.

You stare down at your drink but from the corner of your eye you can tell it's a lame guy trying to hit on you.

"Go away" you say flatly and take another drink.

"Hey, I haven't even asked you your-"

"Not interested" you say more loudly.

"Well shit, can't blame a guy for tryin', what are you a lez or something?" he grunts and walks away from you.

Your heart stops and you feel like your eyes are about to pop out from your damn head. Your hands start to shake and you think you're panicking. Do you look like one? How did he know? Did he know anything about you, did you send off a vibe or something? You feel so offended, embarrassed and ashamed. You finish your drink and storm the hell out. You get a taxi home and the driver is eyeing you in the mirror. Fuck. Can he see it too? What if Sam can see it? What if everyone starts asking questions? You can't do this. You really just fucking can't. When you arrive outside your apartment block your hands are shaking handing over the money and the driver gives you a weird look. Why is everyone fucking looking at you? You can't breathe. You need to get inside.

You climb the stairs and once again your legs feel like led. You feel so exhausted from the high and lows of the past few days that you don't know what to do with yourself. You're freaking out. You can't be gay. Why did that guy say that though? You told another woman you were falling love with her. With your hands still trembling you reach into your pocket and grab out your phone, you send a text message to Brittany with two simple words in it:

_I can't_

You switch off your phone so she won't phone you back and you hurry inside the apartment. Sam is lying on the sofa watching TV.

"Hey," he calls out to you, "thought I'd wait up for you I-"

His words are cut off when you find yourself hurrying toward him and you've already climbed on top so you're straddling his hips.

"Wow, Santana what are you-"

"Shut up" you say quickly and start to unzip the fly on his jeans.

"What's gotten into you?"

"Ssshh" you say quickly, "don't say a word and just fuck me" you say in a desperate, panicky haze.

You can't do any of this.

You just can't.


	12. Time

**Chapter 12 – Time**

You shift on the sofa you feel like you've sat on a million times before and look across at wide expectant eyes. They're not the eyes you're falling in love with but they are the caring eyes of Emma and you're in Room 47, which right now is almost the next best thing. You've been talking a while about your sexuality again but you've given short and vague answers, you still don't want to talk or think about it, in fact you think she's been doing most of the talking today. You're still in shock at what happened last night. Brittany bared her soul to you and you got scared like a fucking child and ran back to Sam. Having sex with him was just…

"Santana?"

Emma reels you out of your thoughts.

"You said you had intercourse with Sam, I asked you how it felt?"

"Oh," you breathe and you must've zoned out trying to find an answer. "It felt like…nothing" you say simply and shrug like you can't believe your own answer.

"Nothing?" she repeats.

"Yeah…nothing. I'm beginning to wonder if it always felt like nothing and I'm only now just realizing" you mumble completely lost in thought. Truth is, you've been walking around in a daze ever since yesterday. "It wasn't bad or good it just…was. I was desperate to get off and that's all I thought about, my mind was completely blank. I didn't think about Sam or even the woman I have feelings for"

Emma sighs and looks a little conflicted "Look Santana, I know its Brittany, OK?"

Your eyes feel like they're about to pop out your damn head and you just stare at her, feeling embarrassment and a sense of being caught creep up in your face.

She smiles reassuringly at you though, "she told me, in truth I think I was the only colleague she trusted the information with, I mean I don't agree with this whole situation at all, but I would never take further action against Brittany, for several reasons that I wont get into. Anyway continue," she says, her soft voice doing nothing to calm your nerves.

"I…how…when did she-"

Emma raises a hand to silence you. "It's not really important is it? I know it's Brittany, the only reason why I told you is so you stop saying 'that woman'" she smiles a little humorously at you.

"OK," you say and gulp, trying to push her knowing its Brittany to the back of your mind. "I didn't feel anything, cause when Brittany touches me, even just like…a little hand touch or something like that you know? I feel like I'm alive, and that simple touch does more to me than Sam ever does, even during sex. The level of feelings and intimacy just isn't there with Sam, it's like, its just sex. Everything is just sex and afterwards I just feel numb, like I don't want to cuddle up to him or do stuff with him, in my head I imagine waking up to Brittany and I feel so high just thinking about it, I'd stay in her bed forever, I'd talk to her forever and I feel stupid for not realizing that I don't really feel that way about Sam. With Sam everything is so monotonous and the same, there's no high any more, I don't think there ever was"

You feel like you're having another epiphany and frankly you feel scared and vulnerable.

"I see," Emma says gently, "so you say you panicked at what Brittany told you, what part specifically were you thinking about?"

"I don't know" you shrug and try to think; you really don't have the concentration right now. "When she described what being with me would be like I just…I was alarmed at how willingly I was about to drop my entire life for everything she just said. For a split second I was going to do it, I had already imagined packing and going over to Brittany's place. I was so happy in that second"

"I see," Emma says again, "and that's when you went to the bar," she concludes.

You nod, having already told her the whole story.

"Do you feel better talking about it today?"

You nod a little at her.

"Do you feel like you need to do anything to change your circumstances or are you happy with where you're at right now?"

"I'm obviously not happy" you roll your eyes at her. "I don't know, I feel like yesterday and last night changed things, I know one thing for certain."

"Oh? What's that?" Emma asks curiously.

"I can't keep going on like this" you say simply.

"Like what?"

"Like I'm pretending," you say quietly.

By the time you get home you feel exhausted, having had little sleep and over-thinking for the majority of the day. Your head hurts from thinking so much and your feet hurt from walking.

"Hey honey" Sam says as you enter the hallway and kisses you on the cheek.

You close your eyes and try not to wince. You wonder why and when everything changed and if they'll ever change back. "You're home early," you note as you take off your shoes.

"Yep" Sam grins happily and points over his shoulder, "I've cooked us dinner too"

"Thanks," you smile at him gratefully.

He goes back into the kitchen.

The phone rings that's on the table in the hallway and you pick it up.

"Hello?" you answer.

"Ah, Santana, I trust you are well?" comes your mothers voice.

You roll your eyes and slump the receiver against your ear. "Yes mother," you say back tonelessly, "is there something you needed? It's only that I'm just in the door and kind of tired-"

"You're always tired Santana," your mother snaps at you, "listen to me, your father and I are coming over for dinner next week, shall we say Thursday?"

You roll your eyes again, you hate the way she just invites herself into your life when it's convenient for her. Truth is, you kind of hate your parents, they love Sam but they are cold toward you and always have been even when you were a child. Your mother is a volunteer worker that often helps out at churches and your dad's a doctor, they weren't around a lot and you had to handle a lot of things on your own, you only really had friends to lean on as a teenager. Specifically Sam. Still, you don't see them much nowadays either, they are only interested in you if you've (in their eyes) achieved something, and apparently getting married to a successful white boy counts as achieving something.

"Fine mother," you say through gritted teeth.

"Santana Diabla Lopez, I am your mother, how many times must I tell you to change your attitude, you're 25 not 15 any more" she drawls into your ear and you feel like fucking hanging up on her.

"Yes mother," you say monotonously. "Next Thursday, got it. Any particular reason to which we owe the pleasure?"

You try really hard not to let the sarcasm drip from your voice.

"No, your father and I merely wish to discuss things regarding the wedding budget and actually have a few ideas of our own"

Your stomach lurches with dread and guilt and you stutter a little.

"Speak up" your mother barks down the receiver.

"I uh…fine, look mom I need to go, I'll see you next week, OK?"

"Fine, goodbye, give my regards to Sam"

The line goes dead.

You slam the receiver down, "love you too," you say dryly at it.

As soon as you hang up, your mobile begins to vibrate inside your bag.

"Jesus fucking Christ" you sigh and fetch it out, throwing your bag down by your shoes. You look at the screen and see that it's Quinn.

"Hey Q" you answer.

"Santana" she snaps at you.

What the actual fuck is this? Be mean to Santana day?

"What?" you say defensively.

"Uh…you were _supposed _to invite Brittany to go shopping with us this weekend"

You stare into space trying to think really hard, you've kind of been pushing last night the back of your mind. It suddenly clicks and dawns on you that you went round to Brittany's to invite her to go shopping and ended up not asking her at all.

"Sorry Quinn, we…got distracted…"

"Well it's fine, I texted her and asked, she's up for it"

"Wait what? You mean her phone is working?" you ask confused.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"Oh, nothing" you mumble. She hadn't replied to your text last night, maybe she knows what it meant; maybe she's mad at you, avoiding you.

"OK well, I told her we'd meet her at Starbucks then head to the mall on Saturday"

"OK, thanks Quinn"

You say your goodbyes and spend the rest of the night napping on the sofa. You know you probably shouldn't sleep during the day because it affects your sleep at night but you can't help it. You've only been on the medication two weeks but so far you don't feel a difference.

Come Saturday it's been yet another week since you last saw Brittany and you feel miserable without her but for the first time you think you don't want to see her, if only because of how you last left her. Maybe you can lie, maybe you can say that text was meant for someone else and you text it to her by accident? No, that wouldn't work, she can normally see right through you. You're nervous as you get ready and you're so god damn nervous that she might be mad at you, you decide to use your best god given assets. You put on your black and green-striped dress that you know hugs your figure flawlessly, you zip up your long black boots over your just-shaven legs. You look in the mirror and breathe a little easier. Your make-up and hair is perfect, your legs look awesome and this dress is fucking magical. You're hot, you've got nothing to worry about, and this dress always works with guys giving you attention. Brittany's not a guy though. Maybe women work differently?

"Dear god Santana, you must really like Brittany, you're about as subtle as a brick to the face" says Quinn as you enter Starbucks and sit at the table. "You do know we're only going shopping and not out to a fancy restaurant?"

You smirk at her and give a smug shrug. You look hot, you don't care.

"Look," you say frankly and you feel people look your way. You feel like a damn movie star or something. "Brittany and I…we sort of kissed…well…I kissed her," you say to her quietly.

Quinn pulls her chair closer to you and slaps the back of your head.

"Santana Lopez" she hisses at you.

"Ow!" you groan at her and rub the back of your head feeling it sting a little. "What was the for!?"

"You're having an affair!"

"I know," you sigh. "I dunno Quinn, I'm beginning to think maybe this wedding is a mistake, I can feel it in my bones"

"You'll feel something in your bones in a minute if you don't shut up about your stupid girl crush" Quinn hisses like she's afraid to be overheard. "How can you do this to Sam?"

You begin to feel nauseas again with guilt and by this time you feel like you can actually get used to the feeling, it's like you've almost become accustomed to it. "I just…I really like her, I think I'm falling in love with her" you say quietly.

Quinn's hazel eyes soften and the frown buried in her brow slowly disappears. "My god," she breathes silently, "you're serious aren't you?"

It's like she expected this to be a phase and to pass. It's like she expected you to return to your usual self, the usual self that's always with Sam, like he's part of you. He _is_ part of you and for the first time in your life you're beginning to resent that fact.

"I think maybe…I want to be with her…I don't know…I'm scared to be honest"

Quinn looks at you like you're a totally different person and honestly you don't blame her because you don't really talk about feelings, especially with Quinn, so if you're being honest with her she must know how serious you are.

"I can't believe I just said that because last week I was running the hell away from the idea" you say and give a hollow laugh at yourself.

Before you can say anything else Brittany comes walking through the door and instantly see's you both, she gives a small smile as she nears your table. She's wearing black pants with soft boots and a grey baggy jumper that looks way too big for her, she's also got a little green scarf round her neck and you feel your heart flutter a little at how cute she looks.

"Hi" she says softly as she comes to the table. She stretched out her hand to Quinn who stands up and shakers her hand back.

"God, it's been like a year since I actually seen you last" Quinn notes politely with a smile.

"10 months" Brittany smiles back and they both sit down. "How are you doing? Dating?" she asks.

Quinn nods a little, "casually, but I'm getting out there"

Brittany tilts her head to the side and looks a little proud, "good for you Quinn, that's great" she says sincerely.

You suddenly feel kind of awkward, like you are intruding, you almost forgot about the fact that Brittany was also Quinn's counselor and helped her get over the pain of loosing Puck in an accident.

Brittany looks to you like she's just noticed you and you watch with delight as her mouth drops open just a little and her blue eyes travel downward and rest around your chest area.

"Hi Santana" she says slowly and she's not even making eye contact, it's like she's talking to your boobs.

You think you just puffed out your chest so they look bigger but you're not sure. You clear your throat a little and you see embarrassment sweep across her features as her cheeks tinge pink a little and her eyes snap back up to yours.

"Hey Britt" you smirk at her knowingly and swing your crossed leg flirtatiously.

It works as Brittany's eyes fall to your legs just beneath the table and you laugh a little as she looks back up quickly to your face again. It's kind of nice to feel like the one in control of the situation for a change.

Quinn clears her throat loudly and you both turn to face her. She looks kind of annoyed.

"You two want an order before we go?" she asks.

"Uh…yeah I guess, just a coffee, decaf though," Brittany says.

Quinn stands up and looks to you, "what about you?"

"Same" you say to her and you're not really listening, you're too busy looking at how soft Brittany's hair looks today.

"Santana," Quinn quirks an eyebrow at you, "you hate decaf"

You turn to her sassily and speak through gritted teeth, "well then get me something that takes the longest to make"

Brittany laughs a little as Quinn rolls her eyes at you and storms off toward the queue at the front.

Brittany laughs shyly again and looks straight into your eyes, you smile at her still pink cheeks and you kind of just want to pinch them.

"Hi," she says softly again, tucking blonde hair behind her ear shyly.

"Hi," you find yourself giggling back. Maybe she isn't mad at you. "You haven't been in touch, are you OK?"

Brittany nods and looks at you thoughtfully, you watch as she grabs the laminated menu on the table and begins to fiddle with the edge of it. "It's just, I didn't really understand your last text message so I thought it'd be best not to talk to you unless face to face"

"To be honest I didn't understand my last text message either" you say quietly to her and shrug a shoulder at her. "After our…talk…I kind of panicked that's all,"

Brittany chews her bottom lip and nods. "I see"

You really don't want to make a huge deal out of it.

"You look sexy" Brittany breathes quietly and bats her eyelashes away from you down to the menu.

You feel your cheeks warm and you fiddle with your knuckles nervously. "Thanks" you laugh a little.

The day drags in and you really wish Quinn wasn't here. Not because you don't enjoy her company, but because she spends the rest of the day going out of her way to keep you away from Brittany. When she drives to the mall you were going to sit in the back with Brittany, but Quinn gave you a death glare that just screamed 'sit in the front with me or I'll kill you in your sleep'. The three of you spend the day at the mall going into shops and looking at various dresses, deciding which would be the best color. Whenever you got near Brittany, Quinn would come in and distract her with idle conversation. You really want to hit her back. You don't know if she's protecting you or just deliberately annoying you. You can't even fucking walk next to her without Quinn shoving herself in between your bodies.

Eventually the three of you are all in the last shop and it's getting late in the afternoon.

"I think we should go for a light blue or cream color for the bridesmaids dresses, are we agreed?"

Brittany smiles and nods, you notice she already has several appropriate dresses flung over her arm.

"I'm going to keep looking, they don't seem to have my size" Quinn informs you and right now she feels like a fucking school teacher trying to babysit you both on a school trip out. "You should go try them on Brittany, they look great" she smiles.

Brittany walks away and you go to follow her but Quinn's grabbed your arm.

"Where do you think you're going?" she says to you sternly.

You groan and roll your eyes at her, "I just want to be with Brittany, maybe even talk to her a little, what's the big fucking deal?"

"You're getting married to Sam, that's the big deal," she counters.

"I'm allowed to talk to my friend," you snap back.

"Whatever, stay close to me" Quinn calls to you and she bends over looking at various shoes.

While she's distracted you decide to slowly back away and you practically bolt in the opposite direction and out of her line of sight. She's so going to kill you later. You look for the changing room sign and you walk speedily toward it. You see a flash of blonde hair just about to enter.

"Brittany" you call out and by the time you reach her you're slightly out of breath.

She turns around looking surprised "Hey," she smiles "you managed to cut the ball and chain?" she smirks playfully at you.

You laugh awkwardly feeling embarrassed, "look, I need to apologize on behalf of Quinn today, she's just-"

"Being a good friend" Brittany finishes and looks at you sadly.

"Right" you sigh.

The both of you stand in a brief silence.

"Well, I'm going to go try these on" she says, holding up the dresses on her arm.

"I'll just wait out here till you're done" you say to her and decide maybe you can both talk when she's done. If Quinn doesn't find you both that is.

She frowns at you, "this is for _your_ wedding Santana" she says shortly. "I at least need your opinion"

"My opinion?"

"Yes, come in with me" she says like it was obvious.

You just nod slowly and follow her.

The assistant smiles at you as she hands Brittany a card and you both move along the row of changing cubicles, Brittany deciding to head toward the second last one. You stand outside and look down at your watch. "OK make this quick though"

Brittany runs her hand over the dresses she has draped over her arm and looks at you in confusion. "You're coming in here with me"

You swallow. "W-what? Why would I want to do that?"

She shrugs. "It'll give us a chance to talk, Quinn's sort of been cockblocking us all day" she smirks at you.

You can't help but give a nervous laugh as you bounce on your feet and look down the corridor in hesitation. You feel like Quinn's going to pounce out at any moment and give you into trouble.

Brittany raises her arm up, holding the changing room door open. "Get in" she says, nudging her head.

You open your mouth to say something but your mind goes blank so you just follow her command.

You close your eyes as you scoot by her and you feel shame and regret when you hear her shut the stall door behind you. You're so damn nervous because you have a lot you need to say to her. She hooks the dresses on the hooks on the wall and you sit down on the little leather seat in the corner. The changing room is small and consists of a large rectangular wall mounted mirror, a wall light and the chair you're sitting on.

"I know what you're doing," she says firmly and the two of you are just crammed into this small space you even feel the heat from her body.

"What?" you ask confused.

"You tell me not to flirt with you then you suddenly decide to wear the tightest, shortest dress that pushes your round soft looking boobs upwards and I feel they're like talking to me" Brittany deadpans, her eyes dropping downward.

You try stifling a laugh.

"Maybe I was wrong, maybe I don't want you to stop flirting with me," you husk and you suddenly have the urge to take off your dress. It's really hot in the small space in here. "You've been staring at my tits all day" you find yourself smiling up at her.

"Santana Lopez" she drawls out, a smirk dancing across her lips, "are you flirting with me?" she asks lowly.

"Maybe" you swallow thickly and shift in your seat. "Now would be a really good time to take off your clothes. Slowly though. Ugh. I didn't mean it like-"

"It's OK Santana" Brittany says quietly with a bashful smile, "you can watch"

You let out a shaky breath as she takes off her scarf and throws it onto the floor, her eyes not leaving yours. It's like she's stripping for you. You rest your clammy hands on your lap, you need to tell her how you feel, you need to tell her about Sam and then you need to tell her not to stop undressing.

"I slept with Sam," you say to her quietly.

Brittany's face turns a little whiter as her mouth forms an 'o' shape. She stands a little more awkwardly now and looks down at you with a blank expression on her face.

You suddenly stand up and it wasn't a good idea because you're right in front of her, you're pretty sure there isn't even enough room for two people in here. You shift away from her and decide to look at the mirror, her eyes are on yours still and you have no idea what she's thinking. She comes walking up to you till she's behind you and the position is oh so familiar, she tilts her head so she's hovering over your shoulder and blue eyes are baring into your own in the mirror. You never realized before but you really like the height difference between the both of you.

"Was it horrible? Did you stop it?" she asks and she chews her bottom lip in trepidation in a way that makes you feel even guiltier.

You look her in the eye through the mirror and shake your head slowly.

"So," she continues and her voice sounds weaker "you liked it?"

You shake your head again and your eyes feel moist yet you don't feel like crying. You think you're about two seconds from jumping her bones. You feel sad and horny at the same time and it's an odd, oxymoronic whirlwind of feelings spinning inside you right now.

"Would you do it again?" she whispers over your shoulder

You shake your head for the third time. "I…I was just concentrating on getting off, after all that wonderful stuff you told me about us being together I just panicked and…it sort of just happened…"

"Oh," she sighs and you can't tell if she's hurt, disappointed or indifferent about it.

"I don't know if I can do this with you, being with you…the thought scares me, but at the same time sleeping with Sam made me realize too much has changed, he just doesn't feel right any more, I'm beginning to wonder if he ever did"

You turn around and you can feel a tear fall down your cheek but you don't even feel sad, you just feel guilty and relieved.

Brittany's eyes look deep at you like she's trying to read something from your face. She brings her hand up and gently wipes away your tear, you gasp at the contact as the palm of her hand burns the cells under your skin.

"Do I feel right?" she whispers.

"Oh yeah" you breathe and it comes out more as a moan. You feel your cheeks flush in embarrassment and Brittany smirks a little, her eyes fall hooded and dark and you swallow thickly feeling like you're about to melt into a puddle.

"So there's not gonna be a wedding huh?" she asks you and her voice is low and thick. She drops her hand but it feels like she's leaning in closer to you.

"Probably not" you mumble, feeling too hot in this small-enclosed space. You blink profusely because everything is starting to become blurry.

It's not until the sight of your own heaving chest catches your eye that you realize you're both panting heavily, stealing the very little air in here.

"I guess there's no need for me to try on these dresses then…unless…" she trails and leaves her suggestion in the air.

You watch her numbly as her tongue runs playfully along her top lip.

"You could try them on…if you want…" you find yourself saying before you can stop yourself.

Brittany's eyelids fall heavier and hooded as they run from your feet slowly up till they meet your eyes again. She places her palm over your stomach and pushes you back forcefully so your back hits the wall with a small thud and the wall shakes a little.

"Ugh..." you moan out and you're not sure if it's in pleasure or pain.

You almost can't stand the tension and the way she's looking at you.

Her eyes are brimming with lust as she smirks at you and turns around; she slowly drags her jumper up till she pulls it over her head and drops it to the floor along with her scarf. Her blonde hair falls down, draping over her otherwise naked torso. She's not wearing anything underneath.

"It's so hot in here" she says fanning herself weakly. She whips her hair to one side and mischievous blue eyes glance at you over her bare shoulder.

"So hot" you mumble staring at her naked back, the muscles there rippling with her every movement and the light bouncing of the small of her back highlighting the thin layer of sweat there.

You need to grab something but your clammy hands find nothing but the wall your leaning desperately against.

Brittany slowly turns around with a knowing smirk.

You gasp and bite your bottom lip as your eyes roam her body.

She steps toward you so she's right in front of you and you feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Your shaky breathing is leaving you hot with embarrassment; she must think you're fucking asthmatic or something.

"So you like never wear a bra?" you stutter stupidly at her, staring down at her small breasts and pink nipples that are slightly hardened at the tips. Her milky shade skin looks so smooth.

"You can touch if you want" she breathes quietly and clasps her warm hands around your wrists. "Do...do you want to?"

"Yes"

Fuck.

You just said yes. You're going to touch boobs, _another woman's _boobs. Your heart begins to quaver.

She brings your hands up slowly toward her chest, her eyes never leaving yours and you feel like your stomach is just going to fall to the floor.

"Wait" you say quickly and she stops. "Let me," you say quietly and she unclasps her hands from around your wrists.

You can't believe how brave you're being.

Your hands are shaking but you slowly reach out a hand and cup under her left breast.

"Oh my god" you breathe out nervously and it feels so warm and full in your hand.

Before you fucking change your mind you squeeze her small breast in your palm and move your thumb slowly up till it grazes her nipple.

She gasps.

Your head snaps up and you feel your own arousal pool between your legs when her head is flung back but her hooded eyes are still transfixed on you, she's panting and her mouth is slightly agape. Holy fuck. Do you really have this effect on her?

"You're the sexiest person I've ever met" you breathe unevenly and caress the pad of your thumb over her nipple in circular motions, amazed how quickly the nub is hardening at your touch.

She's just staring at you in wonder, her mouth agape, her eyes travelling between your own and your hand. You decide to move your hand further down and you graze your fingertips gently over her stomach, you smirk a little when you see her abdomen muscles tremble and tighten at your touch. You take note of all the cute freckles on her skin.

She runs a hand through her blonde locks and looks at you wantonly.

She's just so…

You carefully trace your index finger down to her protruding hipbone and you circle around it, you're kind of mesmerized and you think you can touch her forever. You want to touch her everywhere forever.

Your breathing hitches when Brittany swats your hand away and leans her body into you; she arches her back against you so you feel her hardened nipples brush against the skin just above your dress line.

"Holy…fuck…" you sigh contently and you feel like you can't breathe.

You swallow at the unconcealed desire in the dark hooded eyes now glaring at you; she leans further into your personal space, presses her whole front into you and comes to your ear whispering "I bet you're so wet for me right now"

You whimper as your throat closes in on itself as you let her words slink their way into your mind and drop down to settle and burn between your legs.

Brittany leans back and her cheeks are slightly pink and she looks like she's sweating a little, and you know you're sweating a lot because your thighs are sticking together. The air in here is too warm and close.

Brittany's fingers come down and play with the hem of your dress and before you know it she's pulling your dress up, the tight material clinging to your skin.

"Oh…my…"

You can't believe this is happening. Oh my god. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is actually happening right now. Your hearts beating so hard you feel like you can't hear properly.

You gasp as her fingers graze your thighs and you feel warmth grow deep inside you and your skin tingles wherever she touches. You've never felt so fucking exposed in all your life as you stand here, the dress now up around your waist and nothing but your satin black panties on display for her.

It's not until the air hits your panties that you realize how wet you are. You're practically trembling on the spot.

Brittany's face is in front of you and she licks her lips eagerly looking downward.

You have your thighs clenched together and you grab at Brittany's biceps as her hands are stilled at your waist. You feel like you're about to keel over.

She glances at you as if silently asking for permission and all you can do is lean your head back, close your eyes and try breathe evenly in preparation.

Brittany slinks her fingers downward slowly, tracing the edge of your underwear until she runs her fingers downward over your panties and presses against your clit.

"F-fuck…me…I…" you gasp and quickly claw at the back of her neck, your nails digging into her skin. You find yourself pulling her further into you.

Your whole body is alight and on fire. You feel your sex throb against her like it's trying to physically tear away from your body to reach closer to her.

She definitely touches you in ways Sam never has.

Her touch even burns and tingles through the thin damp material of your underwear. You moan loudly as she slowly starts moving her fingers through your sex, parting your aching folds and building up a heat that's causing your head to spin and your stomach to knot.

"I...can't…breathe…so…fucking…good" you pant against her and grip the skin on her arm and the back of her neck so tight she hisses.

"Look how wet you are for me" she groans into the side of your face and starts nipping and kissing your cheek.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head and a low guttural moan escapes your lips. Her digits move seamlessly though the sticky satin material of your underwear, which is already clinging to your throbbing sex like a goddamn second skin. You begin rocking your hips into her motions a little in desperation. You've never felt this good in your entire life. If this is what she feels like through a layer of material, you can't even imagine skin on skin, flesh on flesh.

Everything is so hot and heavy and blurry.

You're lost.

You scratch the back of her neck deeper.

The ends of her fingers twist upward a little and you feel the tips of her fingers enter you just ever so slightly, the material of your underwear going up inside you along with her fingers and your wet folds clinging at the deeper sensation desperately. You groan because you need to feel her inside of you, all of her, not through material, and not just a little. You want all of her inside of you as much as possible.

Brittany suddenly pulls her hand away and you feel the material of your underwear still sticking up inside you.

"Ahh…" you sigh loudly at the loss of contact. "Please"

Brittany smirks at you a little and brings her hand up to her face, your mouth drops open as you can see the tips of her fingers seeped in your wetness and she looks at you darkly before taking the two fingers to her mouth and sucking on the ends of them, her heavy lidded eyes engrossed by your own.

"Brittany" you whimper at her and you actually feel your heart tremble against your ribcage.

You're letting a woman touch your most intimate area and you've never felt more natural or alive in your entire fucking life.

"Mhmm" she hums and sucks her fingers, releasing them with a wet pop. "You taste…awesome…" she grins at you, her blue catlike eyes baring into your damn soul.

She's the most sexiest, loveliest person you've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

You both still and you see her eyes go wide when you hear someone come walking closer to the stall. There's an impatient knock on the door and you instinctively cover your mouth.

"Hey, what's taking you guys so long?" comes Quinn's annoyed voice.

Brittany clears her throat, "We'll be out in a minute, I stubbed my toe" she says, her voice thick and she shrugs at you like that's all she could come up with.

You try suppressing a laugh.

"Fine" Quinn says shortly and you hear her walk away.

The air suddenly isn't so clammy and Brittany almost looks shy again and she's smiling uncertainly at you. You feel your heart swell as you grin back at her.

"So," she says slowly, laughing a little as she grabs the edge of your dress and tugs it back down.

"Thanks" you whisper feebly, unable to do much with her still this close to you. "Now I just feel frustrated and I think I'm about to explode"

"Yeah, sorry about that" Brittany skews her mouth, "we got carried away, I don't want to…do…that…when you're still with Sam, you know?"

You nod and you feel the familiar sensation of guilt and reality swirling in your stomach. You watch in silence as Brittany flings her sweater back over her body, her hair slightly a mess. She turns around to you and you try even it out with your hand subconsciously. You're touching her without even thinking about it.

"Sorry," you mumble withdrawing your hand. You wipe your forehead because you think you've lost a gallon in sweat and you feel your sex still throb awkwardly against your damp underwear. You just want to get home and take a shower now.

"I'm leaving Sam," you say quickly.

She stares at you like she can't believe what she just heard but nods slowly in understanding.

"I mean, I've been feeling this way for a while now, deep down maybe even before I met you that this wedding was a bad idea. Then there's you…" you trail and you hate that she gets you talking about your feelings so easily. "I feel like all my life with Sam I've been settling for…" you trail and you try come up with some clever metaphor to articulate to her just how much you feel like she's woken you up from a long slumber.

"Go on" she says gently, smiling faintly.

You gulp as she reaches out and holds your hand, her palm is just as clammy as yours and you feel your skin stick wonderfully to hers.

"I feel like with Sam I've been living on this diet of cheap chocolate all my life, which you know tastes OK cause it's chocolate and everybody loves chocolate, everybody _expects _you to like and eat chocolate. Then along you come and you're just this giant creamy, expertly made, hella expensive chocolate, that's dark and has layers and tastes so good on every level and when I get one bite, that one bite is better than the lifetime of chocolate that I've already been eating because there's that feeling like…_there_ it is…_this _is what chocolates supposed to taste like,_ this_ is how good it's supposed to feel. After all this time I didn't know that this is how it was supposed to feel because I had always been eating this same damn chocolate and people around me kept telling me it's the best damn chocolate there is but _clearly_ it isn't because there's you, you're the chocolate for me"

You suddenly stop rambling and realize you're talking about fucking chocolate. You grip her hand tighter in yours and give her an awkward shrug. "Sorry that probably sounds stupid, I'm not very good with words or feelings or anything but-"

She cuts you off when her soft lips meet your own.

You close your eyes and hum contently, feeling like you're floating as she gently kisses your lips and all too quickly she pulls away leaving your lips damp and wanting more. You open your eyes and you're rendered speechless.

"What do you need?" she asks, her smile widening and her eyes looking happy and serene in a way that it calms you, even the thud between your legs a little.

You love that she gets you on a deeper level that she can cut straight to the chase.

"Time" you say quietly. "I just need time to figure myself out and time to tell Sam, I mean it's all about the timing," you mumble, beginning to get lost in panicky scenarios.

"What will you tell him?"

"The truth" you counter and look her firmly in the eye. You think you're squeezing her hand like a vice grip by this point but she hasn't said anything so you don't care.

"Which is?"

You chew your lip and feel your heart beat a little faster. "That I've been seeing someone else, that I'm falling in love with someone else"

She smiles coyly and looks down away from you, swinging your hand from side to side like a shy schoolgirl.

You can't help but just grin at her. She makes you so happy.

"OK" she nods. "If time is what you need, I'll wait, but you must know that you don't have a lot of it, right?"

Time.

It's beginning to run out.

"I know" you say nervously. "I'm scared Britt" you admit feebly and you feel your voice tremble. "I feel like I'm on the brink, like my whole life it's about to drastically change"

Brittany considers you for a moment before saying honestly "Yes Santana, it probably will"

You actually weren't expecting that answer.

"But in time, it'll just feel like your regular life again, and hopefully this time it will be a life that is more your own and one you are more happy in"

You can't find the words so you just fling yourself at her, wrapping your arms around her neck and bringing her into a warm embrace. She rubs her hands affectionately up and down your back as you sway a little into the hug.

"Thank you" you breathe into her ear with as much sincerity and unadulterated feelings as you can muster. You really mean to thank her for everything. You inhale the scent of her hair and just lean further into her side. You smile when she rests her head on your shoulder and you feel like you've never felt more perfectly part of something than you do now, like you're both puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly and are in fact the only two pieces that exist anyway so building the larger picture doesn't seem so important.

"I just need more time," you emphasize to her again.

You do though.

You need time to say goodbye to your life as you know it.

You just don't feel brave or ready enough.


	13. Lapdance

**Chapter 13 – Lapdance**

It's Thursday, the day you've been dreading all week. The day your parents come over for a few hours for dinner and shower Sam with compliments whilst giving you nothing but passive-aggressive criticism. You've been texting Brittany back and forth for a few days; you're practically pining to see her again since you haven't since your shopping day trip last week.

"Pass the salad Santana" comes your mother's irate voice.

You blink at her having being lost in your own thoughts. You realize you and Sam are sitting at the dining room table with your parents. You pass over the dish without a word. You've been told you look like your mom but you don't really see it, she has the same eyes but that's about it. She doesn't seem to age though and you guess that's one thing to be thankful to her for.

"Continue on with your story Samuel" your mother smiles sweetly, continuing her meal.

You hate when she calls him that, you even told Sam to tell them as much but at this point you think your mom and dad just do it to annoy you, like they do everything to annoy you.

"Uh…well it turned out the property was bought by Brittany, Santana's therapist" Sam smiles.

You freeze and stare at him. Honestly you haven't been listening to a word all three of them have been saying all night but you give your best icy cold glare to Sam right now. You hadn't told your parents you were seeing a therapist. You almost laugh, if only they knew.

"A therapist?" your mother scoffs. "You're seeing a therapist? Whatever for?" she asks like it's the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard. Maybe it is.

"Well you know," you mumble feeling ashamed, "I've been feeling down lately and losing sleep"

Your parents literally both roll their eyes at the same at you.

"Pa…you're a doctor, if a patient came in with the same symptoms you would have referred them to a counselor right?" you ask in some vein attempt to get him on side.

A little fucking support now and then wouldn't hurt.

"Maybe" he scoffs. "But I'd give them medication and tell them to pull up their socks, counseling is only for people who've had it rough in life and have _real _problems, or did we not spoil you enough as a child?" he retorts.

Sam skews his mouth and shoots you an apologetic look.

Your parents have did nothing but condemn you ever since they came around tonight. You made the starter before dinner, a prawn cocktail salad, a simple fucking dish and they did nothing but complain about it, Sam made the main meal and they've did nothing but praise him, it's sickening. Sometimes you wonder if your parents resent you because they secretly wanted a son or something, and that's what they see in Sam. Well, that's the only explanation you can come up with, it's either that or they hate you. You actually wonder briefly what Brittany would have to say about them, both as a person and a counselor. Fuck. You miss her.

You had a short session with Emma in Room 47 on Tuesday; you only really discussed the possibility of leaving Sam for Brittany with her. You told Brittany you needed time to figure things out but you're beginning to find the longer time drags on, even days seem like years, you honestly don't think you can lie for much longer. Sam kissing you goodnight is painful enough, you almost cry yourself silently to sleep at night because of the guilt. Emma told you to do things your way, that you could either "rip the Band-Aid off" all at once and tell Sam everything or just end the relationship and come to terms with everything else afterwards. Fight or flight. You honestly don't know which idea you prefer, in your head you like the second idea better but your guts telling you that in the moment you'll just tell Sam everything. How does one plan on a conversation that's basically going to change their lives forever? Are you even ready for that?

You feel your phone buzz in your pocket and you read a text message from Brittany and it makes your heart stop, you smile down stupidly at her text which is simply a smiley face. You try not to laugh at how ridiculous and Brittany-like it is to simply text someone a smile.

"Uh…excuse me I have a call to make, won't be long" you excuse yourself from the table and you can feel your mothers disapproving look sear the back of your head as you slip into the kitchen, carefully closing over the door behind you.

You press one button and already you're calling Brittany.

Yeah so you have her on speed dial, so fucking what?

You hold up your phone waiting anxiously for her to pick up and eventually she does.

"Hi, I've missed you" Brittany's silky smooth voice comes oozing out the receiver.

You sigh in relief almost and tilt your head, "God, I've missed you too," you admit and cringe a little feeling embarrassed without really knowing why. You guess you don't want to sound like a total sap. "What are you doing, when can I see you again? Can I come see you later? It's just I'm having the shittiest of nights, my parents are over and I just…I need you to take me away from here" you laugh a little and roll your eyes at how pathetic you must sound.

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go Santana" Brittany replies.

You give a cynical laugh, "anywhere, as long as you're with me"

Brittany makes a groan and she sounds like she's conflicted, "I have plans tonight with Rachel though"

"Oh" you breathe not even able to mask your disappointment. You're pretty sure your heart just crumbled. "W-w-what kinda plans?"

Do you even want to know?

"She's rehearsing and she wants my opinion, that's all" Brittany says simply. "Why? Are you jealous?"

"Yes" you gulp and double check the door is still closed over. "Knowing that you two were…I just…I'm not comfortable with it"

Brittany giggles, "that's a silly thing to say don't you think?" she asks and you can't tell if she's in counselor mode or not, you think she is a little because you sense she's about to give you one of her many pearls of wisdom.

"Why is that?" you ask anyway.

"Well there's nothing going on between me and Rachel but you're still jealous, and yet…you have Sam," she says sagely.

"So? You know how I feel about you, you know my situation," you whisper looking to the door and hoping nobody is eavesdropping.

"Doesn't make it any less harder for me Santana" Brittany says calmly.

"Yeah but you're not jealous of Sam, I mean, you're a better person than I am, jealously is above you or something" you mumble.

Brittany laughs softly, "I'm human just like you"

"So…you _are_ jealous of Sam?"

"Santana," Brittany sighs down the phone and there's a tone of impatience there, like you're being naïve somehow but she finds it endearing. "He gets to see you everyday, gets to fall asleep next to you every night, gets to talk to you and know you all over again whenever he wants, you're the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees at night – honey, _of course _I'm jealous of Sam"

"I…oh…" you breathe and feel your cheeks flush. Your stomachs back to doing the usual Brittany cartwheels it does. "OK, sorry" you say quietly.

Wait. Did she just call you honey?

Before you can ask her she's already talking, "look Santana I need to go but I'll phone you later"

"OK," you sigh sadly.

"Bye"

"Bye" you say back and hang up.

You unwillingly drag yourself back to the table and your parents are bickering over something, it's probably irrelevant. You can't believe Brittany's spending time with Rachel why can't that be you? Oh right, you're stuck here in this hellhole of a life.

"Fucking Rachel Berry" you mutter under your breath and take a sip of water.

"Did you just say Rachel Berry?" your mother asks suddenly.

Your head snaps up and you're surprised. "Yeah, why?"

"Oh she's marvelous, your father and I went to see her in the Broadway show 'Clybourne Park' a few weeks back, I didn't know you were into Broadway Santana" she says like you've pleasantly surprised her for the first time in your entire life.

"I'm not," you say flatly.

"Oh," she says and you can hear the clear disappointment in her tone, "yes I suppose you don't exactly have the class to be into such things after all" she laughs a little as does your father and Sam.

You stare at them all seething in anger. You know Sam's just trying to keep the peace, he laughs at everything your parents say but you can't fucking deal with this anymore. Not just this stupid dinner or your goddamn parents, everything. Your entire fucking life. You're sick of it, you're sick of your job, you're sick of the guilt, you're not brave enough to change your life in any way and you feel so inadequate for Brittany anyway. Really, nobody would miss you; if you had the balls you'd maybe even kill yourself. Nobody would give a damn, Sam would be destroyed but at least then he wouldn't be heartbroken at the thought you've been seeing someone else. Quinn would be upset at first but she'd find another friend to moan too, Brittany would be upset but she'd move on, your parents would cry at the funeral then forget all about it the next day. Yep. You're ultimately expendable.

You climb into bed later on, relieved your parents are gone but you still feel miserable. Brittany hasn't called like she said she would and you're not even surprised, you're not worth it. Sleeps your only friend now.

You open your eyes, your vision blurred and the room is dark and you hear Sam snoring next to you. You blink up at the ceiling trying to figure out what woke you up. You screw your eyes and look over the bedside table; your phone is lit up. You must've received a text message. You climb out of bed because you're up now and once your sleep is broken that's it, you're awake. You sneak out the bedroom, phone in hand and you still feel half asleep.

You go into the living room and sit on the sofa, it's freezing, it's not until your vision has sharpened that you see the time on your phone and you realize it's 2:45am. You groan but your heart stops when you see you've got a message from Brittany.

You open it up, realizing she sent it just a few minutes ago and it simply reads:

_Call me x_

Immediately you think the worst, what if she's in trouble? What if she's been in an accident? God. You're hands are shaking as you press the speed dial button and you clear your throat trying to get rid of the sleep.

"H-hey Sannyyyy" she drawls out when she answers your call.

You screw your face up in disgust. Sanny? What the hell kind of nickname is that?

"Britt, are you OK?" you ask her. She sounds drunk, or how you'd imagine she'd be if she were drunk.

"Yup, fabulous" she says simply.

"So why did you want me to phone you?" you ask annoyed but relieved.

"You need to come to the Blue Note"

"The bar?" you ask confused. "I'm pretty sure it's shut and you've probably had enough to drink"

You hear her giggle and your stomach flutters right on cue. "No silly, I'm in the Blue Note, I was watching Rachel do some late night rehearsing but she's gone now so you should totally come and get me, she knows the guy in charge and she left me to lock up except I didn't and instead I found the alcohol"

You hold a finger to your lips and try not to laugh. You're kind of worried about her though, if she's as drunk as she sounds and in the middle of the city at night in am empty bar then you need to go get her.

"I'll be there soon" you say and hang up before she can say anything back.

You must be crazy, you're leaving the house at almost 3am to go to a bar, it's probably the craziest thing you've ever done. You don't know if that's tragic or not. You brush your hair and teeth as quietly as you can, and you leave Sam a note on the coffee table saying you couldn't sleep so you've went for a drive, which makes zero fucking sense but you don't find yourself caring anymore. You slip on leggings, a white tank top and a blue leather jacket, you look about as presentable as you can at 3am in the morning.

You unlock the door as quietly as possible and sneak out and you feel kind of badass, like you're doing something you shouldn't. You guess you are.

You almost feel like falling back asleep at the wheel on the drive there.

Once you arrive, you yawn feeling so damn tired again but you power through it. You park around the corner from Blue Note and walk to the door, you can't see inside because curtains are drawn over the windows but it looks pretty dark. You seriously have issues if you actually leave your house at 3am to come meet a woman alone in a bar when you've got work in a few hours too. You shake your head and open the door, surprised that it's actually unlocked.

You walk into the dimly lit bar and it's void, it's odd to look at because last time you were here it was packed and busy, even if in a subdued way, but now it's just empty.

"Hey you" comes a voice from the darkness to your side.

"Jesus fuck!" you shriek and stumble a little.

Your heart is racing.

Brittany comes into view from the side, giggling. "I was waiting for you to come in so I could lock the door" she informs you and goes to the entrance swinging a key around her finger.

You smile a little watching her lock it, she's got on skinny jeans and a handmade jumper, one of hers, you can tell because it has a sewed on picture of a cartoon rainbow at the front but it's skewed and uneven; some of the colors thicker than the rest of the rainbow.

Once she locks the door, she turns around slowly and you're both immersed in silence. She's smirking at you and from the dim light you can make out her eyes are glowing. You gulp suddenly feeling out of your depth.

She starts giggling again for no reason as she moves past you and heads toward the neon lit bar. She goes behind the counter and starts pouring herself a drink.

"Uh, Britt? Are you allowed to just take that?" you ask, smirking a little as you walk toward her and face her opposite the bar.

She gulps back whatever she poured into her shot glass in one. "Yup" she pops with her lips and sniggers some more.

You eye her suspiciously, "Britt, how drunk _are_ you?"

She laughs again and looks vaguely at you in thought, you can almost see the cogs turning in her head. "Uhm…a lot…I think" she mumbles.

Great.

Ugh. You can't help but feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart though; she looks so adorable and lost almost. You need to get her home, take care of her, but first you may as well take advantage of her drunken state by getting her to spill a few things.

"Hey so-"

"You want a mojito? I think I figured out how to make one but…uhm…you want one?" she smiles dopily at you.

You snort looking between her and the counter that you notice is filled with empty shot glasses and puddles of various alcohols. "No, I'm driving" you smile anyway.

"S-s-sucks for you" she says with a hiccup as she clumsily pours another bottle of something into a shot glass, missing the glass entirely at first.

You laugh again; she looks so cute with rosy cheeks, lazily open eyes and her goddamn stupid rainbow jumper.

"You're adorable" you sigh at her before you can help yourself.

She stops pouring and looks up at you, a small triumphant smile on her face. "That's not very heterosexual of you Santana" she smirks.

You shift on your feet and feel a little uncomfortable. "So…did you drag me all the way out here to get me to come out the closet or something?"

"Ahh" she smiles and puts the bottle down with a clunk, "so you're in the closet now are you?"

Damn it.

You roll your eyes and shrug, "I'm in some sort of closet, I mean I must be, I just left my fiancé at 3am in the morning to be here with you instead, in some bar"

She chews her lip a little and seems to take longer to consider your words, "I've been thinking about you since our fun little shopping trip" she smiles and scrunches up her nose, causing delightful little lines to appear just above her brow and beside her eyes.

You give a hollow laugh and smile "Me too, I need to know something though" you say more seriously.

She looks at you dolefully and comes walking around the bar, she pats the barstool and you swallow feeling nervous for some reason and sit down.

"Take off your jacket" she says quietly, looking between your shoulders and further down your body.

You gulp not even bothering to ask why and slowly take off your jacket putting it on the stool next to yours. She comes closer till she's standing in-between your legs and leaning down over you, you have a hard time looking at her because you know you might just melt if you look up into those eyes, instead you talk to her waist.

"Are…we…a thing?" you ask awkwardly. "I mean, lately I've seriously been thinking about leaving Sam, I even spoke to Emma about it, but what does that mean for us?"

She laughs softly and you look up into enigmatic blue eyes. You're lost already. She begins tracing her fingers down each of your arms, smoothing over your biceps and leaving your skin feeling tingly and light.

"I mean," you continue, half-forgetting what you were trying to say, "you turn me on a lot but-"

"Feelings mutual" she breathes back and you smell the sweet alcohol from her breath as she leans down closer to you.

You stutter stupidly and try concentrate, "but you said you have casual sex right? I mean is this all we are? What makes me different from Rachel?" you ask and you feel like you just swallowed a brick.

She giggles at you like you just said the silliest thing. "Oh Santana," she sighs affectionately, her hand moves to your face and she's gently tucking your hair back and you swoon a little. "First of all I'm not a slut," she snorts.

"That's not what I meant" you mumble, feeling embarrassed.

"I have two friends, Mike and Rachel, who I occasionally have sex with but without the strings attached, I have needs and they fulfill those needs, that's not to say I don't want a more serious relationship I just totally don't see the point in pursuing strangers and having one night stands with strangers if I don't have feelings for them and it isn't going to go anywhere. Sex with friends is safe…easy…" she says and gives a delayed shrug.

You nod a little feeling conflicted. "I think I understand but…aren't we just friends? How do I know this isn't just another hook up to you? What if I leave Sam and we're happy for like a few weeks but then it just fades? What if we're not meant to do this, what if it's a mistake?"

Brittany's lips curl up into a slow smile and she comes even closer and leans her forehead gently onto yours, her hand still tracing and tickling around the back of your ear and through your hair. "Santana," she breathes against your lips, "I told you I was falling in love with you"

"That's only cause I said it first" you counter weakly.

"Doesn't make it any less true," she admits, batting her lashes timidly. "You want to know how this isn't just another hook up?" she asks, nudging her nose coyly against yours.

You nod dumbly at her.

Your lungs aren't working.

She wraps her hands around your neck; her face, chest and hair is all around you and you feel like you're drowning in her.

"You don't," she says simply. "You want to move from one serious relationship to another but I can't promise that, I can't promise that it won't be difficult, or that I'll always be there or that I'll even make you happy – all I can promise is that I really want to"

You pull back from her just an inch and stare. That wasn't the answer you were expecting and you think it just made you more nervous about everything. You hate that you're being so damn insecure.

"Surprised?" she asks with a kind smirk. "What, thought I was going to promise you the world? Santana," she sighs and pauses, her eyes dropping to your lips for a brief second, "nobody knows what their future holds and nobody falls in love without being a little brave"

You give a nervous laugh and bring your hands up to cup her cheeks. You feel your heart hammer in your throat and you bring her face slowly to your own. You capture her soft bottom lip in-between yours and you whimper a little. She tastes like sweet alcohol with a citrus lime aftertaste. She only responds a little, moving her lips softly and slowly against your own and you feel your whole world still in that moment. It's the gentlest kiss you've ever had.

She pulls away and opens her eyes slowly with a breathless look on her face. "What was that for?"

"I want to know everything about you," you breathe honestly, your lips tingling.

She sucks in her own lips looking coy. "No" she says shaking her head. "That's for when we start dating"

"D-d-dating?" you stutter.

"Yeah, dating," she shrugs simply, "or did you think we'd be meeting in secret like this for the rest of our lives?"

You try your goddamn hardest to ignore the fact she just implied you'd be together for the rest of your lives. You stare at her not knowing what to say.

"Which," she continues, seeing the look on your face, "I know is a scary thought for you right now, but it's in the future, try not to dwell on it, just take babysteps"

"Babysteps," you mumble nodding, "OK, I guess it's just I met Sam in high school so I've never really dated before…like ever" you admit penitently.

Brittany juts out her jaw and gives you a bloated smile, "that's cute" she snorts.

"It's pathetic actually" you say matter-of-factly. "But anyway, why did you bring me here at this ungodly hour?"

She stands up a little more straight, her face moving away from you and bounces on her feet like an excited kid. It's so fucking tragic how you find everything about her charming as hell. "Well, 3 reasons actually" she says with a coy smile. "First of all, I'm kinda tipsy so I need a ride home"

"No kidding" you say dryly.

"Uhm secondly of all…" she trails and comes back down closer to you, the tip of her nose grazing your cheek, "I wanted to tell you that since Saturday I haven't stopped thinking about when I had your soaking pussy in the palm of my hand" she whispers against your face and gives an mischievous giggle that causes goosebumps to travel down your side.

Your pounding heart just dropped to between your damn legs. You open your mouth to say something except it's not really words that come out, just a strangled sound from the back of your throat.

"Annnnnd," Brittany drawls out and stands back up right with a smirk, "lastly of all I wanted you to do something for me"

"Anything" you choke out. You roll your eyes at yourself but she just winks at you and your stomach is back to doing somersaults.

She clasps your hand in hers, intertwining your fingers and suddenly your hand feels tingly and clammy as hell, your entire arm falls limp at her touch. She's holding your hand. Brittany Pierce is holding your hand. For a split second you feel like you're actually _with_ her and you feel irrationally emotional about it. You gulp and squeeze her hand harder but she doesn't seem to notice.

"C'mere" she says to you quietly and she's guiding you through the tables and toward the small stage at the front. Honestly she could be leading you to your death, to a giant pit of flames and ask you to jump in and you'd probably do it, because she's holding your fucking hand.

She guides you up onto the stage and she pats the sole barstool that's in the centre, in front of a microphone.

Oh no. You begin to feel panicky.

"Britt…I can't…" you say shakily.

"It's just me here Santana" she says gently and she puts her hands on your shoulders and sits you down on the seat. "I was watching Rachel sing earlier and I thought it would be lovely to hear you sing so…"

You shake your head frantically. "Britt, I have no idea why but I can't sing in front of people, I just…I get so nervous and…I can't do it OK?"

"You want to sing as a profession right?" she asks and begins massaging her thumb into your shoulder blade lovingly.

"Yeah but-"

"Well, it's babysteps just like everything else. I'm gonna go over to the bar, get more drunk and whenever you feel like you want to sing just do so, any song, the mic isn't even on actually so I probably won't hear you" she says and she struts off back toward the bar.

You briefly wonder why Brittany seems to _want_ to get drunk tonight.

You've never sang for anyone, you think Sam's heard you in the shower on a rare occasion but that's about it, you'd never let him hear on purpose. Your whole body just tenses up at the thought of lots of faces looking at you as you sing. You sit on the stool for a while in thought and you feel oddly calm as you look around at the empty chairs. You open your mouth to sing something but you can't think of anything so you close it again. You're alone with Brittany, if you want anyone to hear you sing for the first time, it's her.

You don't know how much time has passed but Brittany's stumbling toward the stage bottle in hand.

"It's been like a half hour S-Santana" she slurs and plops down onto a stool in the front row.

"Jeez Britt, how much more did you drink?" you stare at her.

She gives a stifled laugh as she sways on her seat a little. "Uhm…I had a few bottles of something, I didn't like it very much"

Great. She's even drunker than before.

"Sing for me!" She beams enthusiastically "Woo! Santana Lopez!" she cheers and claps for you even though you haven't did anything.

Ugh. You laugh a little and shake your head, "dork" you call her with a grin.

"C'mon sing" she whines and thuds her feet impatiently against the metal frame of the chair legs.

"I…I can't" you say pathetically. "Maybe some other day but I just can't, I have stage fright or something"

Brittany tilts her head to the side "But It's only me here"

"Yeah I know, and I want to sing it's just when I go to…nothing happens" you mumble feeling stupid.

"Mhmm" Brittany hums and blinks slowly at you.

"What?" you ask inquiringly.

"I guess I'm not entirely surprised, good singers sing form the soul, sing with feelings and stuff, you've been miserable and lying to yourself for so long I think you've forgotten what it feels like to just…feel…"

You roll your eyes annoyed, "don't play that psychoanalysis bullshit with me miss know it all"

Brittany just giggles and hops back up onto the stage. "Cheer up grumpy, I know what'll make you feel better," she says quietly as she begins to look coy almost, like she has a plan.

You really just want to get her home. "What?" you ask anyway.

"A lapdance" she smirks.

"A lapdance?" you repeat frowning. "Y-you want…to give…me a lapdance?" you say slowly and your internal organs are back to doing the conga.

"Why not gorgeous?" she shrugs a shoulder at you and turns on her heel heading toward the sound system at the side of the stage.

"Brittany don't" you laugh and shake your head.

She can't be serious, right?

Apparently she is because she takes her jumper off and yet again there is no bra, you stare once again at her back and you're not even remotely surprised. A low R'n'B beat begins to play.

Holy shit, she's actually serious.

She does a surprisingly graceful spin then saunters toward you, an impish look in her eye, you're in awe at how awesome her body is, the stage light is dim but you can still make out the contours of her abs and the definition in her arms, you're practically drooling. She chews her bottom lip, rustles the back of her hair and looks at you with such want as she moves to the music, each muscle in her body popping to the beat perfectly.

"You're so beautiful," you say shakily, "inside and out"

She reaches the stool as her hips sways to the music and from the level you're sitting at her breasts are practically dancing in your face. Your cheeks burn red; you don't know where to look. She doesn't say anything but she places both hands on your knees gently and spreads your legs apart. You still feel embarrassed and hot so your clammy hands don't know what to do; you find that they've just gripped the edges of the barstool you're sitting on and tightly as possible.

Brittany makes a little humming sound, you're not sure if it's a breath or a moan but she sways her hips and gyrates them into you, between your legs and you can't think or breathe. You begin to feel how pounding and slick you are. Brittany's eyes are almost shut as she whips her hair and dances to the music, she looks entirely lost in it and you've never saw anything as sexy before in your entire life. The blonde dips down low to the floor, her ass almost hitting the ground and then she slowly sways back up, her body snaking from side to side in time to the music and her hands slowly dragging themselves up your legs.

You decide you don't care if this is the shortest lapdance in the history of lapdances because you're pathetic and you can't take it anymore so you grab her hips with both hands and pull the heat of her body flush into yours. You do the first thing that comes naturally and place a soft kiss on the soft valley between her breasts, you pull back nervously and look up at her for approval. She's stopped dancing and is now panting a little and looking curiously between your eyes and lips. You take her silence as approval, lick your lips and lean back in your lips lingering there for longer.

"Mhmm" you hum contently against her creamy skin, you can feel the little vibrations of her heartbeat thrum against your lips and you begin to place more and more little butterfly kisses on her chest. You smile a little when she grips the back of your neck with one hand and your shoulder with the other like she's steadying herself.

You know what you want to do, so before you change your goddamn mind you quickly open your mouth and close it over the sensitive flesh of her nipple.

"Yesssss" you hear her hiss and grip you harder in response. You begin to realize your sex is pounding fast and you can't feel your damn legs. You suck tentatively on the warm flesh and feel her nipple grow hard in your mouth. You moan a little as you drag your tongue under it and flick it upward and she grabs the fine hairs on the base of your neck so hard it hurts. It's extremely satisfying nevertheless so you ignore the pain and release her nipple with a wet pop. You quickly ghost your lips over to her other nipple and decide to tongue it instead, tracing the wet tip of your tongue slowly in circles around her nipple.

"Oh Santana," she breathes desperately and she's back to panting. You must be doing something right.

You feel wetness pool between your legs at how your name escapes her lips. You slowly move your eyes upward and feel yourself whimper and crumble under dark hooded blue eyes staring back down at you, her blonde brow furrowed in concentration and her mouth open. You swallow thickly and go back to concentrating on her breast.

You taste her in your mouth as you suck on her other nipple, feeling eager you take as much of her skin as you can into your mouth and suck harder and nip her gently, your tongue slowly massaging around and under her hardened nub. Her breathing is getting more and more erratic and you think you're driving her more and more crazy. Her hand moves from your shoulder and rubs up and down your back encouragingly. Fuck. You can't even handle her touching you. You eventually let go with another wet smack and you're panting so much because you were sucking so hard you forgot to breathe.

She leans down and breathes against your lips heavily "take me home"

"OK" you say back just as breathlessly.

Fuck.

You watch nervously for a few minutes as she puts her jumper back on, packs bottles away behind the bar and switches off the sound system and the lights. Your stomach is spinning like a damn yo-yo as you watch her, you have no idea what's going to happen, you think you know what she wants to happen but you're not so sure yourself. You feel like you'll die if you don't touch her soon, yet on the other hand she's drunk as hell and this is totally not how you imagined your first time with her. You've never even did this with another woman before, you're not stupid you know what women do, it's just in your head you try imagine yourself as one of the women and you just look weird and awkward. You really want to impress her, what if it's horrible, what if you can't make her orgasm? What if it's a giant awkward mess? What if she laughs at you? It totally doesn't help that she's hot as hell and is a fucking sex therapist; she's probably amazing in bed. In fact, you know she probably is. You're conflicted though, maybe her being drunk is a good thing? Then if you're awful there's a chance she won't remember anyway.

You both step out into the cold early morning air and it's only now you realize how drunk Brittany is because she can't even find the hole where the keys supposed to go in. You take it off her and lock the doors to the Blue Note for her. You don't say anything because your mind is racing and you have no idea what you want to say or if you should say anything at all.

"My car's just around the corner" you say and your voice is all nervous and squeaky.

She wraps her arm around your waist and stumbles into you on the street. You look around nervously hoping nobody will see you, it's dark but you don't want people getting the wrong idea. Or the right idea you guess. You walk her to your car and her movements are slow but she leans her head down on your shoulder and sighs happily.

"You make me so happy Santana, like every time I think of you I feel like my stomach has millions of tiny little unicorns riding around inside of it and their jabbing the lining of my stomach with the little horns on their head" she slurs.

You purse your lips trying not to laugh. "Uh…thanks Britt, that's sweet but weird"

She just hiccups in response.

You help her into the passenger side of your car and go around to the drivers seat, shutting the door behind you and leaving the cold outside. Your stomachs still spinning and you think you're going to throw up. You can't have sex with her when she's this drunk, right? Then again it's not like she doesn't want to, she clearly wants to.

Wow, not only are you a stalker you think you've become a rapist too.

You drive in an intense silence and the throb between your legs has slowed but not gone away, and your stomach has never felt this nervous before. You're pretty sure your sweating buckets. You can't do this, she's drunk.

Just on cue Brittany starts giggling as her head is leaned clumsily against the window, you think she's laughing for no reason.

"What are you laughing at?" you smile anyway because she's so damn cute.

"You" she says.

"Oh?"

"Yeah I mean…" she trails and laughs a little more loudly. "You just left your house in the middle of the night to suck my tits in the middle of an empty bar" she says and she begins to go into a fit of laughter.

You feel yourself blush but also the nerves disperse from your stomach and are replaced with a rumble of your own laughter building up.

"God," you snort and shake your head more at yourself than anything, "when you put it like that I sound pathetic"

Brittany just snorts back.

"You're so drunk Britt" you laugh dopily at her as you come to a red light. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

You grin and hold up two like a peace sign.

"Dunno," she slurs and she shifts over in her seat. You feel your face drop when her hand comes over and glides up the inside of your thigh and her hot breath husks in your ear "put them inside me and I'll tell you"

"F-fuck" you stutter out and stare at the traffic light, willing it to turn green.

It's then you realize you can't do it. You can't take advantage of her when she's drunk but also you want your first time with her to mean a lot more than just about satisfying your raging hormones.

It takes you about 10 minutes till you're back at her apartment block.

"You're a good friend Santana" Brittany sighs fondly as you watch her try to unlock the door to her apartment but to no avail, once again.

"Here," you say impatiently and grab the keys off her as she sways on the spot a little. You unlock the door and grab her arm gently guiding her inside, trying your best to ignore how good she feels and how much your stomach is jumping.

You lock the door behind you and turn around to find Brittany's already disappeared from your sight.

"Britt?" you call out worried and walk through to the living room. She may have sobered up a little but you feel like there's a primal instinct deep inside of you to just protect her.

You hear giggling and you can't help but burst out laughing when you see Brittany laid on the floor and Lucy clamouring all over her, trying to lick her face.

"I wasn't gone for long silly dog" she sighs and swats Lucy away. The golden retriever comes prodding up to you and moves through your legs, rubbing her body into you with affection.

"Oh hey, she's between your legs, now it's my turn right?" Brittany mutters as she stands up and she stumbles a little.

You just smile at her. She's so fucking adorable. "Uhm…not tonight Brittany"

"Lucy go to bed" Brittany says and points toward the kitchen, except she's pointing mostly toward the wall. Lucy whines and cowers away toward the kitchen, her tail between her legs. Brittany comes sauntering toward you with a smirk on her face.

"You know drunk Brittany always gets what she wants," she says slowly as she wraps her arms around your waist and pulls you into her.

You take a second to catch your breath and you just find yourself lost in her flushed face and her tired, but still sparkling eyes.

"Yeah well, our first time means too much to sober Santana just to throw away on a quick drunken hook up," you say firmly.

"Slap my ass" she says suddenly with a smirk.

"I-I-I…what? No" you scoff and laugh a little feeling the heat rise to your face.

"I don't see what the big deal is Santana, I'm only asking you to slap my ass" she says like it's a normal everyday request.

"Britt, you're drunk"

"That has nothing to do with my ass or the possibility of you slapping it" she shrugs. "Wait" she suddenly says like she's had a delayed reaction. Her arms fall from your waist and she steps back looking at you curiously. "You've thought about our first time?"

"I uh…yeah" you admit sheepishly and you now feel embarrassed.

Her lips curl up into an amused smirk. "Oh? And what's it like?"

"Well," you say slowly and begin fidgeting with your hands, you try not to look her in the eye. "Earlier when you were talking about dating, I figured that was perfect you know? Like, I could take you out for a meal then we could come back and have sex for the first time"

Brittany starts to giggle, but even it's drunken and slurred.

"What's so funny?" you cross your arms.

"You're scheduling our sex life? Besides that's the lamest thing I ever heard" she giggles some more and falls back onto the sofa, warm but tired eyes looking up at you.

"I…no it's not" you mumble and feel your face grow red. You're kind of pissed because you thought that was the most perfect idea, isn't that what's supposed to happen in movies and stuff?

"Uhm…no you're right I'm sorry" she smiles and blinks lazily. "But that just isn't at all how I thought our first time would be"

"Oh, is that so? What do you think it would be like?"

"Uhm," Brittany says slowly and makes a popping sound with her lips. She looks back up at you with an innocent, almost shy expression "I don't think I want to tell you that just yet"

"What the hell? What's that supposed to mean? Tell me" you frown at her again.

Her eyes shift into slyness when she traces a hand down to her front, props her feet up on the coffee table and begins to slowly unzip her fly. "Take off my jeans" she orders you.

You gulp and stand your ground defiantly, "I…we're not having sex"

"Didn't say we were" she smirks back up at you. "But we need to go to bed don't we, and I'm not wearing my clothes to bed so take off my jeans"

"We?" you gulp again and the air in here suddenly doesn't seem so plentiful. "I told you Britt, I need to go back to Sam"

"And _I _told _you _to take off my jeans" she giggles back and unbuttons the top button on her pants. "You're staying here with me tonight"

"You can't just tell me what to do"

She licks her lips considering you for a moment. "Can't I?" she retorts quietly and raises her eyebrow.

You feel a smile tug your lips but you try your hardest not to let it show. "Fine, I'll get you ready for bed but then I'll be on my way"

"You'll get me ready for bed then you'll join me," she corrects you.

You roll your eyes at her but kneel down to the floor and pat her leg. "You're so drunk that you can't take your own clothes off?" you ask her skeptically.

"I am" she smirks at you in amusement.

You roll your eyes again but feel your cheeks burn; you don't even care if she's exaggerating or lying. You clear your throat awkwardly. "OK, just stand up then" you sigh in resignation.

Her blue eyes look darker as she slowly stands up and she looks down at you kneeling in front of her like a damn subservient dog. You kind of feel sorry for Lucy now.

Suddenly her hand is stroking through your hair, sending a tingly sensation through your scalp. Your head lulls back and you're already looking up at her breathlessly.

"You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you Santana?" she asks and the question seems more loaded than it is. Her eyes are serious but there's a playful smirk on her face.

"Almost" you admit quietly, your heart pounding in your chest and between your legs. You're scared at how accurate your answer is.

You distract yourself by hooking your fingers at the side of her jeans and tugging them down to reveal long legs. "Step out" you say, ignoring the fingers tracing through your hair and instead just staring down at her feet. She steps out of her jeans and you stand up folding them for her.

Doing your best to ignore the fact she's standing there in nothing but a cute sweater and panties you grab her arm and lead her through to the bedroom. You guide her inside and put the jeans over the chair at the side, you turn around to find she's already collapsed on her back on the bed.

Her face scrunches up as she gives a cute yawn, "you know I am kinda tired but I'm also really horny so you should probably just fuck me"

Your stomach spins and you find yourself grinning at her. "Oh well now you've convinced me" you say sarcastically as you walk to the edge of the bed and look down at a half-passed out Brittany.

She groans impatiently and looks up at you. "OK no sex, but can you still stay and hug me?" she pouts.

Ugh. She's so damn cute, you have a hard time imagining a future with her if only because you can't see yourself ever saying no to her.

You look between the door and the gorgeous woman lied draped over her bed, half naked for you and you hesitate.

"No actually you're right" Brittany says quietly. You look back down at her and she looks a little more pensive and sober. "You wanted to know if this was just another hook up? Well the answer to that is simple, it's not a hook up because we're not hooking up"

You frown down at her confused, "Sooo," you say slowly, trying to process her words. "I'm not just another hook up to you because we haven't hooked up?"

She shifts up to the top of the bed and lies back down, her head hitting the pillow. She smiles and nods contently at you. You think that actually oddly makes sense. "You're right you should go home to Sam, you don't want him to be suspicious"

You stare at her not knowing how to thank her for understanding.

Your mouth goes dry a little when you see her eyelids fall heavier as she looks up at you, her hand slowly ghosting over her own thigh and you gulp when her fingers trace the edge of her panties.

Is she…?

"You should leave now though," she breathes and smirks a little up at you.

"W-w-why's that?" you stutter, staring at her hand that's beginning to circle very slowly over her underwear.

"Because I really want to get off thinking about you and I can't do that if you're here," she giggles deliciously.

You feel like your stomach has dropped to your damn knees and you find yourself smiling nervously down at her. "Damn it Britt" you say shakily and force yourself to turn around and head out the door.

"Bye Santana" Brittany calls seductively out to you once you're in the living room. You stop and for a second you consider turning back but you know it isn't the right time so instead you groan and leave her apartment. You have no idea what you're going to say to Sam when you get back or how you're even going to survive work today without any sleep but you think it was totally worth the risk. A night spent talking with Brittany, albeit a drunken Brittany, was more than worth it.

When you drive back you're thinking in your mind that you just want to do it right now. Rip the Band-Aid off. You won't have to explain to Sam where you've been if you tell him what's been going on. Yeah, you're going to do it now, you can't stand being apart from Brittany again, even for a week, which is pathetic but it's true. God. You're going to change your whole life with a few words, what are you even going to say? Maybe you can just tell Sam that you've been seeing someone else and that's it, he doesn't need to know who, right? Then you could pack your stuff and go round to Quinn's, going to Brittany's place is much more tempting but just because you want to be with her doesn't mean you want to burden her too. Fuck. Are you really going to do this? You must be fucking crazy.

When you arrive back home, you open the door to your flat as quietly as possible and you cringe a little when you shut the door behind you and your keys make a loud jingling sound as you put them down on the table. You tiptoe carefully into the living room but you gasp and stumble a little when Sam's standing by the window, arms crossed looking at you.

"Where have you been?" he asks accusatorily.

"Uh…" you hesitate. Fuck. You're going to throw up. "I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive…"

Sam screws his face up in confusion and comes walking closer to you. "You've not been sleeping for a while San but you've never went out for a drive and-" he stops mid sentence when he's standing right in front of you.

You gulp and feel guilt course throughout your body.

"You smell like alcohol" he states sounding more hurt. "Have you been drinking and driving? God Santana, do you know how worried I've been?"

"I left you a note" you mutter and turn away from him, "look there is something I need to tell you," you say unsteadily and turn back to face him when you're further away. Your hearts beating erratically but not the way Brittany makes it beat, it's a horrible feeling now, it's all out of rhythm and you feel it sitting uncomfortably in your chest.

You begin to breathe through your mouth because the air in here seems suddenly closer.

"What is it?" he asks intolerantly, like he's been awake for a while and doesn't have time for your lame excuses.

"I…" you sigh and you blink several times because everything is going blurry. You put a hand over your chest just to make sure your heart is still working because you can't feel anything, you can't feel yourself breathing in air. For the second time tonight you're panicking but this feels much, much worse.

"Are you OK Santana?" Sam asks, his tone slightly more worried than angry. "You look kinda white"

"We can't get married," you blurt out like it's word vomit and you just stare at the floor that's beginning to spin. It's so warm and you can't breathe, you feel like you're suffocating. You're also shaking. You want to ask Sam to open a window, you want to look at his face for his reaction but you can't. Your breathing has become heavy and your chest is heaving.

"Can't breathe…can you…" you try to ask him for help and everything is happening in slow motion.

You feel your eyes flicker back and your legs collapse. You think you register a pain in the side of your head as you hit the floor but it seems distant somehow. A darkness has already consumed you and your thoughts fade into nothingness.

You're gone.


	14. Caught

**Chapter 14 – Caught**

Darkness. That's all you can see but you can see shades of brown and red too. You wonder what's happening. There's voices talking around you but they sound distant and muffled. You try twitching a muscle in your face but you feel too tired to even do that, you're actually really comfortable even though you don't know what's happening. Maybe you should just go back to sleep.

The voices are getting louder and clearer though. You kind of wish they'd be quiet. One's a man and one's a woman. They sound familiar.

"I don't know what's wrong, has she said anything to you? She seemed delirious or somethin' to me" says a deep voice.

You feel your brow crease in confusion, is that Sam?

"You know I can't talk about that Sam" comes a soft voice.

Brittany?

Why is Brittany here? Why are you here? Where _are _you?

"Please Brittany," comes Sam's voice and he sounds like he's pleading. "She comes home drunk, says we shouldn't get married then panics and faints-"

"She wasn't drunk" Brittany interjects.

"What?" Sam asks confused. "How would you know that?"

Oh shit. Everything suddenly comes flooding back to you and your senses begin reawakening. You precipitously remember being at the bar with Brittany, her being drunk, taking her home, being determined to tell Sam about everything once you got home. Things didn't quite work out that way. You remember the horrible sensation of panic before you blacked out; it was like you were drowning. You never want to feel that way again.

"Grrmph" Sam makes a grumbled noise like he's annoyed, "Sorry, my work keeps calling me, I think I may need to still go in today, they won't care if San's in hospital, as long as it ain't life or death they'll want me there. Excuse me, I need to call them" says Sam sounding annoyed and you hear movement and the drawing of curtains and the sound of his footsteps disappear after a few seconds.

You inhale a little and it smells like a hospital. God. You can't deal with any of this; you should just pretend you're sleeping till you actually fall back asleep.

"I know you're awake" comes Brittany's voice knowingly.

You stomach jolts back into action.

She's actually here.

You slowly open your eyes, the brightness of the lights above you beaming down and glaring into your vision. You blink a few times and take in your surrounding, your lying on a hospital bed, there's a blue curtain pulled around the bed so the rest of the room is out of sight. You can hear other people, visitors perhaps, talking and other people walking but you're alone with Brittany behind the privacy of the curtain.

You blink again and your vision becomes less blurry. You roll your head to the side and Brittany is there wearing a small empathetic smile on her face. She's donning light blue jeans and a white shirt, her wavy hair falling gracefully down her shoulders and her eyes are sparkling even if creased with the slight signs of tiredness and you lose your breath a little, she looks kind of angelic.

"Hi" you say feebly.

"Hi there" she smiles back looking reassured.

"How did you know?" you ask and feel a tired smile twitch the edge of your lips.

"I've been watching you sleep for hours and your breathing changed about 3 minutes ago," she says with a smile.

"Wait…hours?" you frown and sit up confused. "How long…I mean…what time is it?" you ask feeling groggy.

"Almost noon" Brittany says to you with a yawn.

"Oh" you breathe and slump your shoulders. "I don't know what happened," you mumble feeling ashamed, "I just collapsed"

"You had a panic attack," Brittany says tonelessly. "I think you were trying to tell Sam about us and…well…" she trails and looks at you awkwardly.

"Oh" you say again and the memory is coming back to you. "I said we couldn't get married and…wait noon? I'm supposed to be at work," you say looking around for something although you're not quite sure what.

"Santana, relax" Brittany says gently and places a warm palm on your forearm.

You blink down at her hand over your skin and you exhale feeling calmer with her touch. You stutter a little because her thumb is stroking over your arm and you've forgotten what you were going to say.

"The doctor came around and told me and Sam that he suspected you had a panic attack, said you were fine although your sugar levels are low and your blood pressure is high. You also took a little bump to the head but no major damage has been done, but just to be safe they want you to stay till tomorrow"

Brittany's hand suddenly snaps away from your arm when the curtains draw and Sam comes walking back in.

"Santana?" he breathes his eyes wide with relief and shock. "You're awake, how are you? Are you OK? Talk to me" he says, pulling a chair up to the opposite side of the bed from where Brittany's sitting.

"I'm fine Sam," you say weakly, giving him the best smile you can muster.

"Argh, I can't believe this but I've got to go into work babe" he says and pouts at you. "But screw it, I don't care if I get fired I'm staying" he says determined, running a hand through his blonde hair so it stays back. He looks just as tired as Brittany.

"Sam" you say to him seriously, "you're not losing your job just because I fainted, OK? Go. It's fine"

He looks guilty and worried and his dopey face turns to Brittany as if he wants her input, you're not looking at her so you don't know what her response is.

"OK" he grumbles, "but I'll come back to visit you straight after work, the doc said you'll be staying overnight. We need to talk," he says with a pointed look. "You just concentrate on getting better, OK?" he says and pats the back of your hand as he stands up and leans down planting a gentle kiss on your forehead.

Your eyes automatically flicker to the side to Brittany but she's already looking down at the floor like she can't look, that or there's suddenly something really interesting on the floor.

Sam kisses you on the cheek and gives you a 'I'm sorry' look before turning to Brittany. "Do me a favour, stay with her?" he asks with a piteous smile.

"Uh…yeah…sure" she says back awkwardly.

Fuck you can't take this anymore.

You wave at Sam and he waves back sadly before departing back through the curtains and you're left looking at Brittany. Her eyes filled with guilt and sadness and other things you can't decipher are just staring back at you like she doesn't know what to say. Which scares you because she always knows what to say.

You're beginning to feel sick. Kind of like the way you were last night. You sit forward and clutch your stomach.

"I can't do this," you say in a panicky haze.

Oh god it's happening again.

"I can't take this anymore, I need to tell him…I…I need to leave this place, I can't stay here. Take me away from here" you exclaim at Brittany like a desperate demand.

Suddenly her hand is in yours, she intertwines your fingers in hers and gives your palm a gentle clasp. "Hey," she says softly and her voice seems to float serenely to your ears and your stomach almost instantly stops spinning and you just look into her usual calm, ocean blue eyes. "Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything OK? If you don't want to be here that's fine, I'll make sure they let you out as soon as possible and in the meantime I'll be right here, OK? Everything will be fine, you don't have to do or say anything you don't want to as long as I'm here"

You gulp and just nod at her, the waves on the sea of panic in your stomach subsiding a little. You grip her hand really hard, it probably hurts but you can't help it. You're so glad she's here.

You both sit in silence for a while as she just traces her thumb over the back of your hand. You stare down at it feeling slightly tired again, she's calming you down and you don't even think she realizes she's doing it.

You panic a little when the curtains open again and you instantly let go of Brittany's hand as a nurse walks in and checks the board at the bottom of your bed.

"The patient, Miss Lopez, will be signing herself out of here soon, out of her own free will, just thought you should know" Brittany says to the nurse directly.

The nurse frowns at Brittany. "The doctor in charge of this ward specifically asked she stay in over night, to be on the safe side."

"That's no longer an option, Miss Lopez has mental health problems and staying in here is aggregating them and causing her distress"

The nurse seems to ignore Brittany and looks at you instead, rolling her eyes a little. "Look lady, I'm just doing my job, if you disagree you should take it up with the ward doctor but he's very busy at the moment"

Brittany interjects again. "If the patient wishes to leave then it's perfectly within her rights to sign herself out. The patient doesn't need a psyche evaluation, didn't try to take her own life and poses no threat to herself or others. She had a bad panic attack to which she now needs to recover, she is already receiving counseling and is currently on medication, there is no need for her to stay overnight for any reason – physically, mentally or otherwise"

You and the nurse both stare at Brittany.

You're kind of impressed.

"And who are you?" the nurse asks frowning.

"Sorry," Brittany smiles politely and bends down and begins rummaging around in her bag. She pulls out a card and hands it to the nurse. "Here's my details and my LPC, you can check my credentials and staff number online, I'm a licensed counselor, I work for the most part independently. Miss Lopez is my patient and I see no professional reasoning for her to stay when she specifically doesn't want to, you're just causing my patient more stress and if need be we'll sue"

The nurse just looks between you and Brittany pale-faced. She looks down at the card and waves it like she's going to check the validity of it. "Fine" she sighs in resignation though, like she already knows Brittany is legit "You can sign yourself out whenever you're ready miss Lopez" the nurse says to you, "I'll explain to the ward doctor later"

The nurse departs behind the curtains and leaves you and Brittany alone again.

You stare open-mouthed at her.

"OK, that was awesome" you find yourself smiling.

"I know" she smiles and shrugs her shoulder modestly.

You both laugh a little but soon you just go back to staring at each other silently. It's a nice quiet. Brittany just being here is reassuring you.

"You know it's Friday" Brittany says quietly to you as if this day is somehow significant.

You quirk an eyebrow at her, "And?"

"It's the last day of my vacation, I go back to work on Monday"

"Does this mean you'll counsel me again?" you ask, barely able to contain the relief from your voice.

"I don't know," Brittany sighs, "do you want me to?"

"Of course!" you say and smile at her. "You were right, talking to Emma about…well you…was a good idea but I miss you"

You take a sharp inhale because you just realized what you said.

"Santana, that's sweet" Brittany says, coyly looking down and fiddling with the edge of the bed covers. "But that can't be the reason I counsel you again"

"No, I know" you say quickly, "I miss you both as a person but also as my counselor, trust me" you say firmly.

Brittany's lips twitch into a smile and her eyes gaze at you for a second. "We'll see" she sighs. "Let's not think about it just now though, I'll leave you alone to get dressed. I'll take you home"

You take half an hour to get dressed into the same clothes you were wearing last night and you don't even want to look in a mirror right now, you probably look like a mess. Brittany walks you to the reception area and helps you sign a few forms, you honestly don't know what you'd do if she weren't here.

"I had to borrow my neighbours car," she tells you as you both leave the hospital, the fresh air hitting your face giving you a strange sense of relief. "I said it was an emergency"

"Sorry" you cower a little. "It wasn't really an emergency."

"You were in hospital, you blacked out, that's pretty serious to me" she says with a shrug as you reach a blue car you recognize as the one Brittany was fixing that day outside her garage.

You both get in the car and you buckle up. You just stare blankly at the dashboard feeling in some sort of trance, what are you supposed to do now?

"I will tell him you know" you say quietly and look over to Brittany who just licks her lips and nods her head in response. "I'll do it as soon as he comes home from work, I can't take feeling like this anymore" you say and you feel like crying.

You don't want to cry though; you hate crying, especially in front of her.

"OK" Brittany says simply, starting the engine and reversing out of the parking bay. "You should probably go home and get sleep though"

"I don't want to go home" you say sharply, "Not yet anyway, just…just take me somewhere, anywhere" you mumble feeling completely out of it.

You don't feel like talking, you don't feel like going home or staying where you are, you don't feel like eating or sleeping, you just don't feel like anything.

"I have an idea," Brittany says and you look to her to find she has a small comforting smile on her face even though her eyes are on the road ahead of her.

And then your heart beats and you feel it in your throat and you feel like crying again and curling up to her. Just when you don't feel anything she makes you feel something.

She reminds you you're still alive.

Brittany's been driving for a half hour and the tall buildings and roads now look familiar. This is pretty much the way to your work, and Brittany's work.

"You're taking me back to work?" you ask and laugh a little.

"No silly, I'm taking you for a nice walk in the park" she sighs happily.

You scoff and cross your arms. "I don't want to go to the park," you mumble.

"It'll make you feel better, trust me," she says.

You're mad because of course you trust her but a walk in the fucking park isn't going to change anything, it isn't going to change your situation, but ultimately you have nothing better to do so you bite your tongue.

Brittany stops off outside a few shops and unfastens her seatbelt.

"This isn't the park, where are you going?" you ask.

"To get you something, I'll be right back" she says with a wink and is already slamming the door shut.

You grumble and ignore the little flip your stomach does when she winked at you. Maybe you can cry while she's gone but then you're afraid you won't be able to stop so you dig your nails into the palm of your hand and you force yourself to just watch people who are walking by on the sidewalk.

A few minutes later she returns with a loaf of bread in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other hand.

You blink at her.

"Here," she smiles and hands you the cone, "It's chocolate chip mint flavour, mint is good for calming the stomach"

You take it off her and just stare between the green ice cream in your hand and her tentative blue eyes that are looking at you like you're about to explode. She almost looks afraid. You don't want her to be afraid of you. Ever.

"Thanks" you mumble and force a smile.

"You're welcome" she smiles looking a little relieved and she's already driving ahead toward the park.

Once you get there she parks at the sidewalk just outside and Brittany's already ran to the passenger side to open the door for you.

You roll your eyes humorously at her "I can open a door by myself" you say and give your ice cream a few more licks.

This is actually really good ice cream.

Brittany comes walking up to you, the bag of bread in one hand and she interlinks her other arm around yours and walks you into the park.

Your legs suddenly feel like jelly because you can't stop staring at her profile. She's so pretty. She just hooked her arm around yours and is now walking alongside you like it's the most natural thing in the world to her. Maybe it is?

You both walk around the gravel pathway for about 5 minutes in complete silence. Again it's a nice comfortable silence and you begin to feel something like happiness or relief simmer inside you. The sun is out but there's a chilly wind and it's calming you, Brittany is calming you. You feel a release wash over you as the wind streams through your hair and Brittany's grip on your arm gets just a little tighter and she's making you feel all funny and proud inside. You feel a certain kind of relief, the kind you get after having a good cry, except you haven't cried.

"This was a good idea," you say peacefully.

"Told you" Brittany simply smiles back.

You don't know why exactly but you're getting the feeling that she's not going to talk to you unless you start a conversation, as if to make you feel more comfortable. It's nice of her but you'd actually give anything just to sit and listen to her talk about anything in the world. You look down and Brittany's still swinging the bread in her other hand.

"OK, I've got to ask – what's the bread for?" you smirk and nudge your arm into her teasingly.

"The ducks duh" she giggles.

"Why do you like ducks so much?" you ask.

You want to ask her a bunch of silly shit because right now you'd give anything just to be silly with her and forget your problems.

"When I was growing up on my parents farm we had a pond out the back of our house, well actually it was more like a swamp, anyways there were always a few ducks there and they quacked every morning at exactly a quarter past seven. They always woke me up, they were like my personal duck alarm clock," she says with a bashful shrug.

You smile stupidly at her as you both walk into the main part of the park.

"If I ever need to wake you up I know what to do" you smirk.

She laughs softly and bumps the loaf of bread into your hip playfully. "C'mon" she says and nudges her chin toward a bench in front of the park pond. You think it's the very spot you first saw her when she was taking Lucy for a walk.

You both sit down and you give a large satisfying sigh. You still feel strangely relaxed, your problems seem a million miles away or at least somehow don't feel as relevant.

"Sorry I stalked you here" you utter out before you can stop yourself.

Brittany giggles like you're being silly and sighs. "I'm curious, why did you do that? You didn't know me"

"Dunno" you shrug and begin licking away at your now slightly melting ice cream to distract yourself. "I've never did anything like that before, I guess you just drew me in, fascinated me…you still do…"

You're way too fucking embarrassed to even look at her reaction to that but you hear her content little sigh like she's pleased with you and you internally fight a grin.

Another silence submerges you both and you just blink lazily, watching a few ducks patter by on the pond.

You look out across the park nothing but the sound of rustling leaves and the wind blowing around you. The distant noise of people and cars can be heard but everything and everyone else seems so far away, especially when you have this woman sitting next to you.

"Thanks" you say quietly, bringing the minty ice cream up to your mouth and licking away. The cooling sensation it creates in your stomach is extra comforting.

"I didn't do anything," Brittany says quietly, shifting on the bench beside you a little.

You turn around to correct her but your breath catches in your throat. Brittany's looking at you with a shy expression, her nose and cheeks are rosy red but those goddamn eyes are so blue today, more so than usual. She captures her lower lip and chews on it, looking at you apprehensively like you're about to blame her for all of this. She shouldn't feel guilty about any of this and you don't like that look on her pretty face.

"What's the matter?" she asks as a small smile curls up slowly on her lips, "the cold of the ice cream catch the back of your throat? I do that all the time and loose my breath," she says with a small giggle.

Your stomach flutters and you shake your head dumbly at her, "not the ice cream that made me lose my breath…just you…"

You quickly look away and feel your cheeks burn and your stomach spin. For once you'd like not to sound like an idiot around her. "Last night, why were you drinking?" you quickly ask, partly to divert attention from yourself and partly because you really want to know. "I mean, you seemed to want to get drunk…I never pegged you as a heavy drinker…"

You look back to her and she's looking at you pensively as she twiddles a golden lock of hair around her finger. "Uhm, I was just thinking about this whole situation," she says quietly, skewing her mouth to the side with unease.

"This is not your fault" you say resolutely, "I need you to know that"

Brittany gives a cynical laugh and rolls her eyes away from you and they land instead on the pond in front. "It's mostly my fault though" she sighs sadly watching a few ducks drift by. "I'm supposed to be going back to work on Monday yet I don't think I can"

"Why not?" you ask worried.

"Don't you think it's a little wrong of me to go back to doing what I do after what I've done to you and Sam?" she asks and she drops both her hands to her lap, looking at the ground. "I mean," she pauses and turns to face you and you see the guilt swirling around the features on her face. "I'm a relationship councilor, I've spent a few years dealing with peoples lives who have been ruined by _the other person_. You know, the person the partner cheats on. I've seen marriages of 40 years go down the proverbial toilet because someone just had to cheat, and now _I am that other person_. I don't even feel guilty, not really. That's the worst part. I feel guilty about advising people on relationships now because well, I've singlehandedly ruined one and I've crossed all sorts of lines to do so but I don't even feel remotely guilty about how my actions affect Sam. Yet there's you, so overwhelmed with guilt that you literally pass out? I feel like suddenly there's something wrong with me…I never used to be like this…"

"Britt" you say softly, shifting closer so your thighs are brushing against each other. "You're a really good person, in fact you're the nicest person I ever met but like you said you're human. You make mistakes, misjudgements, but it doesn't change the fact that you're a selfless, beautiful person and a goddamn good counselor. Please don't think that me or our situation has changed any of that"

She purses her lips and looks away like she's contemplating your words but there's still a frown on her face. You don't think she believes you.

"I think you have way too high expectations of yourself," you say boldly. "You know, actually _making_ mistakes can be a good thing? They make you a better counselor and a better person I guess" you shrug. "As for not feeling guilty about Sam well…he's a stranger to you really, you don't know him and since you probably already knew there were problems in our relationship to begin with then maybe that's why?" you offer. You cringe a little; you're not good at giving advice.

She narrows her eyes at you and the smallest of smiles twitches at the edge of her lips. "Or maybe" she smiles a little, "I like you so much that I've blocked every other feeling out recently"

You give a wry laugh and nod slowly, "I know the feeling," you agree as you take a cold bite of your ice cream.

She sighs and her shoulders slump down along with her mood. She begins swinging her legs back and forth on the bench like a child. "I guess I'm just feeling guilty about advising people on sex and marriage and everything when I'm partly responsible for ending one myself"

"Not a fan of irony, huh?" you smirk and nudge your shoulder into hers playfully.

"You sassin' me Lopez?" she smirks back at you and leans in closer that there's a comforting warmth generating between your bodies.

You just stutter at her because your ability to speak seems to worsen the closer she gets to you, and sometimes she just leaves you tongue-tied by her words alone.

She smiles at you but it quickly dies and she clears her throat like she's about to ask you something serious. You swallow a cold piece of ice cream and your insides squirm a little when Brittany seems to physically watch it slide down your throat, like she's distracted.

"You're really going do this aren't you?" she asks like she can't quite believe it, her eyes still on your throat as you swallow.

You don't need to ask her to elaborate, you already know what she's talking about.

"Yes" you say shakily and nod. "Would be lying if I said I'm not scared or think I'm doing the wrong thing"

"Oh" Brittany breathes and you watch as a subtle disappointment sweeps over her blue eyes and it's that look you haven't seen in a while. You had forgotten how much you hated that look and how uncomfortable it made you feel.

You laugh a little nervously, "I don't mean like, being with _you_ is a mistake, it's just, you have to understand I've been with Sam since I was a teenager, I don't know how to be _without _him frankly. He's kinda my best friend."

"Mhmm" Brittany hums in response, "taking a leap of faith is hard, especially when you're afraid of falling" she smiles astutely at you. "But do you really want to look back in 10 years time with nothing but regret and what ifs?"

"I know" you concede. "I have to end this, I know I do, I'm just scared and…uncertain about the future, I mean this pretty much affects everything in my life"

"To be honest, I'd say to you that if you feel anything for him whatsoever then you should stay with him and try work it out"

You freeze and look at her flabbergasted.

She laughs a little self-deprecatingly, "I mean that is to say…I mean obviously I'd rather you with were me but…I…" she mumbles and seems to be finding it hard to articulate what she means. You smile at the cute confused faces she's making.

"What I'm trying to say is," she smiles and rubs her chin self-consciously, "If you feel the unicorns in your stomach with him then you should try make things work with him" she says and pauses to give you a knowing smirk, "but I know you don't" she adds. "So uhm…instead…you should totally….uhm…move in with me instead" she says and slaps both her palms down on her thighs with a nervous laugh.

Your heart stops and you stare at her even more flabbergasted. She looks uncertain and shy and her eyes are darting everywhere like she can't look you in the eye, you've never seen her so unsettled.

Your throat feels dry, "I…I-uh…uhm…do you mean…are you asking me to move in with you?" you croak out, your stomach flipping with elation and unease.

Maybe you misunderstood her. The ice cream in your hand is now melting down the sides but nothing can distract you right now.

"Well it's just if you're going to break up with Sam, you'll need somewhere to stay right?" she inflects her voice upwards nervously. She's so cute; it's almost heart-wrenchingly cute how nervous she seems to be. "I mean I don't mean like move in _move in _with me if you know what I mean…" she trails.

"Yeah…uhm….no" you shake your head. She's lost you.

"I mean not that I'm opposed to the thought of you moving in with me," she says quickly as if trying to disperse any negative connotation you might have gotten from her previous statement. "It's just…you can move in with me…until you find a place of your own…only if you want to" she mumbles and gives a shrug.

There's a long silence and she's just swinging her legs restlessly back and forth and you're just watching her feet. You're sort of stunned. "Uh…" you begin, finally managing to find your voice, "I feel stupid because I've hardly thought about what comes after…well…everything" you hesitate, "I mean I figured I'd just go round to Quinn's and crash at hers, god I've never even lived on my own before, I've never really been single or…alone…" you mutter and you're starting to realize how non-independent you truly are.

"Oh" Brittany breathes and she seems disappointed.

"But I'd rather come to yours" you say quickly, your heart rattling around in trepidation.

Blue eyes snap up and meet yours and her entire face lights up as she breaks out into a toothy grin. "Really?" she breathes like she can't believe her luck.

"Uh…yeah" you say like it's obvious and you feel yourself grinning stupidly back at her. "Being with you, living with you? Seems almost too good to be true" you say but then roll your eyes at yourself feeling humiliated.

You're both plunged into another comfortable silence and Brittany just giggles shyly at you and looks away with red-tinged cheeks. Your stomach flutters in response and you need to look away from her just to gather your thoughts. You're moving in with Brittany, you're going to be _with_ Brittany. Your insides are all over the place, the fear and sadness and sheer panic when you think about telling Sam later yet on the other hand this blonde ray of sunshine just makes it seem worth it. God, you're so fucking happy you actually feel like standing on the park bench and breaking into some sort of dance. Instead you lick up the ice cream that had trickled down the side of your hand and force yourself to change the topic before you explode with feelings.

"Britt, last night you said something," you say to her as your hearts still thumping around inside you.

She scrunches up her face and narrows her eyes looking culpable, "I remember _most_ of last night" she says slowly "did I say something stupid?" she says with a pout.

Ugh. Cutie.

"Uh…no" you smile and tilt your head looking at her with affection. "I was talking about our first time and I said that I'd take you out on a date then we'd go back to yours and…well…it would be proper and romantic"

"And I said that sounded lame" she smiles and nods. "I still stand by that, dinner then bed with candles or anything like that isn't how I imagine our first time at all"

"But," you argue and you feel kind of annoyed at how much thought you've put into this and she seems nonchalant at best. "But it's supposed to be _romantic_" you say like that should be enough to convince her.

"Why? Who made up that rule that everyone's first time has to be some large romantic whirlwind? It's unrealistic, you've been watching too many movies Santana," she says as she opens up the bread, tears a piece in half and throws half of the chunk out at the pond.

You're distracted for a minute when ducks and some pigeons come swooping around, the ducks on the water fluttering their wings and shaking their heads as they fight over the piece of bread.

"The nature of our relationship hasn't been very romantic so far, I don't know why you're wanting us to be some sort of fantasy all of a sudden," she says as she decides to chew on the other half of the bread herself and look at you with a worried but determined expression.

"It's just…" you begin quietly and you can't even look at her, "how I feel about you is romantic so," you mumble and shrug feeling embarrassed yet again.

She smiles at you and her eyes look misty almost, brimming with adoration. You're breathless again. She shifts till she's right next to you, her crossed legs tilting into your body and she casually flings her arm over the back of the bench so it's draped around your neck.

She leans into you and whispers in your ear "you're so cute", she laughs softly afterwards and her breath tickles your ear and sends goosebumps down your neck. You grip the ice cream in your hand tighter and you feel your face burn red, you don't know what to say. Reality sinks in and you look around apprehensively, it's not that you don't like Brittany's arm around you, you just don't want anybody else to see. What if someone you know is here?

"Don't worry" she smiles, leaning back, her arm still around the back of your neck and she begins making little circles with her fingertip on your shoulder. "Nobody will see us, it's almost empty, besides if someone does see us they won't think too much of it or care"

"I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for that type of public announcement"

Brittany sighs and her arm is gone as she shifts away from you, you gaze at her with a sorrowful look. You miss her warmth already.

"I understand," she says quietly "and if you want our first time to be slow and romantic then that's more than OK with me" she smiles tranquilly at you. Her blue eyes flicker to the side and a smirk dances on her lips. "It'll just mean my rough, strap-on, taking you from behind till you can't feel your legs sex will have to come later," she says with a nonchalant shrug.

Fuck.

Your grip on your ice cream tightens further. The cone snaps and crumbles in your hand, the top half coming off entirely and falling to the ground with a splat.

"Crap" you hiss, moving your legs out of the way just in time.

Your stomach is already going crazy because Brittany's giggling at you but it's much more sly than usual.

She was kidding right?

Fuck.

"I just expected our first time to be passionate and more spontaneous I guess" she says still giggling and you feel embarrassment and excitement jolt around your insides.

Holy fuck, why is she always torturing you?

"Spontaneous" you mumble, the word throws you back to the day you met Brittany and Quinn said you should do something spontaneous like see a counselor.

This is all Quinn's fault.

"Spontaneous…how?" you ask. "Like middle of the park in the afternoon spontaneous?" you joke with a nervous laugh.

Brittany's eyes, flowing with mischief, seem to shift off to the side behind the bench you're both sitting on. You watch her dumbly then follow her line of sight; she seems to be looking toward the large shrubbery behind you both.

You look back at her and gasp a little when her eyes are back on you and darting to the shrub. "If you're feeling adventurous" she smirks.

You gape at her.

She's kidding right? You never know if she's kidding or not.

Change the subject. Quickly.

"See, this is why it's a _bad _idea for me to move in with you" you stutter out looking miserably down at the ice cream on the ground which now appears to be attracting ants. "For starters I'd make a mess, probably burn down your house or something," you say with a hollow laugh.

"You should probably stop being so easily distracted then," Brittany almost whispers to you with a cocky raised eyebrow.

You shake your head at her, "that's hard when you're around" you mutter with a smile.

Brittany makes a delightful little short giggle from the back of her throat then glides her hand along your thigh as she stands up. Your leg feels all tingly. You feel like spending so much time in her company is driving you insane and your heart is all over the place, but you don't want this feeling to stop. Ever. You just sit and smile as you watch the blonde kneel down at the edge of the pond and begin to feed the ducks more bread.

Damn her ass looks good in those jeans.

You roll your eyes and shake your head at your own thoughts. You get up and make your way to Brittany, you decide to sit down on the grass at the edge of the pond beside her, you hope she isn't mad with you, you're just not ready for public things, hell you're barely ready for private things.

You smile at her as she makes cute little kissing and cooing noises at the ducks and they all seem to swarm toward her like animals do to princesses in Disney movies. You don't blame them. She is a princess in your eyes anyway.

"Stop it" she says softly with a small smile and looks up away from the pond into your eyes.

"Stop what?" you squeak out, getting that familiar feeling she can see right through you.

"Looking at me like that" she giggles and your stomach is doing it's usual churning and flipping. "You're staring, you look like you're about to cry…all misty eyed…It's kinda cute" she smirks seeming amused.

"I…uh…" you stutter out, "sorry" you mumble, "I like watching you"

Your cheeks feel inflamed at this point because you're doing nothing but repeatedly talking crap and humiliating yourself around her. You don't quite know how she gets you to be so honest.

"Oh," she says like she just remembered something, "I've decided you're my new lucky charm" she says and looks at you expectantly like you're somehow supposed to know what the hell she's talking about.

"Huh?"

God, she's so adorable you're just going to melt into a puddle one of these days.

"You know," she gives a shrug and flashes you a confidant smile "you're my new lucky charm, things are going to be different from now on. I need you to come to Tennessee with me in 2 weeks, we'll probably stay at the Evans Ranch for a while but that's not why I want you to come with me"

"The ranch?" you gripe, feeling the familiar feeling of guilt and nausea now swirl unpleasantly around in your stomach. "Two weeks? Britt, by that time…Sam will know…his mom will probably know…I can't ever go back there…I don't wanna see the disappointment on their faces"

Brittany frowns at you and tilts her head sympathetically. "You're just going to never see them again? Santana, you can't run away from the fallout of this or your problems"

You gulp. You know she's right.

"Or have I taught you nothing?" she says with a brazen smirk.

You give a hollow laugh and clear your throat because you think you might cry but you're sick of crying in front of her, you're tired of being an emotional mess. "I just…" you begin quietly, your voice trembling, "they're protective over Sam, once they find out the reason for us splitting up they'll never forgive me…or you for that matter…" you mumble.

Brittany tosses another slice of bread out into the pond and sits back on the grass more comfortably. "They'll just have to deal with it," she says with a shrug.

"Not everything is as damn easy as you make out," you snap at her.

Her blue eyes flicker and look away from you nervously.

Fuck. You didn't mean to be hostile it's just…

"Sorry" you mumble almost immediately after, "It's just sometimes you make out everything will be fine and you just don't know that OK? You don't know the Evans either, they won't let us go back there"

"It's my property and who stays there is up to me" she says firmly, her jaw clenched a little. "Besides," she continues, "better to bite the bullet and face them sooner rather than later, even if you wish to never see them again afterwards. I need to go to Tennessee and I'm not going to stay at my own property and feel like I shouldn't be there, OK? And neither should you"

You find a smile tugging at your lips "wow, you're kind of hot when you're…firm…" you say before you can stop yourself.

She looks a little surprised and flattered by your comment and gives you a smug smirk.

"OK" you nod letting out a long exhale, "I can do this," you say unevenly.

"_We _can do this" Brittany corrects you with a smile.

"Right," you smile lazily back at her, your heart thrumming. "We can do this" you echo her words. "I don't understand though," you say slowly, "why do you _need_ to go to Tennessee?"

"Thunder Valley" she says like that should be enough explanation.

You blink at her.

She rolls her eyes a little like she's mad you can't keep up with her, "Thunder Valley, it's a motocross track? I need to go and practice" she says excitedly, "I also need to gain weight," she mumbles like an afterthought.

"Uh…what?" you ask slowly.

You love when she's in her little cute world of her own but she needs to translate for those not in it, i.e you.

"I need to gain a little weight cause I'm not coming down fast enough" she says and chews the inside of her cheek.

"Britt" you sigh, trying hard to fight back a smile, "you're fucking adorable but you need to talk to me in English"

"Oh…uhm…sorry" she mumbles and she bows her head, a bashful smile upon her face. "I'm a motocross racer. I've already qualified for the AMA Amateur National Motocross Championship, I won my area championship and even won the regional championship but that was just to qualify for _the_ biggest amateur motocross race in the world at Loretta Lynn Ranch, also in Tennessee" she says beaming and she's kind of shaking her legs with excitement and you think she can't get any cuter.

"That's…impressive," you say slowly. "So you want me to come with you why exactly?"

She stares at you as if it should be obvious. "Aren't you going to be my girlfriend soon?" she says cocking her head to the side.

Fuck.

"I…uh…" you stutter and suddenly you can't speak.

She grins at you like she enjoys watching you fumble over your own words. "Cause it will be fun" she says to you softly, saving you from answering, "Once the national championship comes around we can go to Loretta Lynn Ranch which is like a huge fancy getaway place with a pool and everything and we'll have so much fun and you can watch me race and be my lucky charm, OK?"

You damn yourself because your heart had just begun to settle down but now it's beating hard and thumping against your skin all over again. You look at her in awe. "That sounds amazing Britt," you say shyly, "anywhere with you is awesome but I'm glad you're actually letting me be involved in your…stuff…"

"Wellllll," she says slowly as a smirk tugs on her lips and you're distracted a little because she's ripping little strands of grass out from the ground. "This is kinda going to be my first serious relationship, I need to introduce you to my crazy side and hope you don't leave me"

You grin stupidly at her, "I'd never leave you," you say before you can stop yourself.

You really need to stop talking. You wonder if she'll ever stop making you feel like this, like your insides are made of wax and she's this giant hot flame that just seems to melt it all away so damn easily.

She looks at you and quickly looks back out to the pond giggling like a shy schoolgirl. Your heart and stomach flutters and you suddenly find it hard to breathe and swallow.

"You've never been in a serious relationship?" you stutter out, curious.

"Not really, but you've never really ever _not_ been in a serious relationship, I don't see the difference. In fact maybe we should just pretend we're not serious for your sake, I think you being single would be good for you"

You stare at her, hardly believing what you're hearing.

"Of course" she says with a small smile, "you could be one of those single people who just like…sees a person exclusively for a while and still be single…uh…and do a bunch of non serious stuff like walks in the park and…uhm…lots of non serious sex, yeah just lots of sex" she smirks at you.

You smirk back at her and your eyes drop to her lips, you watch amused and excited as she does the same. You know what she's trying to say, she thinks as your counselor it would be good for you to take a break from relationships for a while, especially after coming out of a serious one and since you've never really been single in your entire adult life, but as Brittany she's telling you her feelings for you are serious. She's serious about you. Fuck.

You're serious about her too.

You love that about you and Brittany. Sometimes you're both on the same wavelength it's scary and other times you don't understand her at all which just makes her all the more fascinating to get to know.

You watch winded a little as her eyes seem to drop and roll down your body slowly. You can't stop smiling.

"So…uh…why the weight thing? Want me to buy you a bunch of chocolate bars?" you joke, needing to get rid of the tension suddenly in the air. It's a good tension, one you're used to but right now you can't deal with it. It's the same kind of tension that made you do something stupid, like kiss her, which incidentally turned out to be the smartest thing you ever did.

"See, when you're riding motocross bike," she says like she's preparing herself to talk in laymen's terms, you think it's so cute how passionate she is about this. "You're racing, right? Doing crazy flips in the air looks cool but it's no good for races, when I'm going over a bump in the dirt and I'm in the air? I need to get to the ground as quickly as possible to gain the speed I lost, to do that you need to press your bodyweight down on the bike and I think I'll do it quicker if I gain weight"

"You want to be fat?" you screw your face up at her.

She giggles and rolls her eyes playfully, "no silly, I need to gain muscle weight, preferably in my thighs and arms"

You blink at her again. "Uh…you're already pretty…uh…good in that department"

"I said I'd never go but I think I need to join a gym," she says, ignoring your comment.

You smirk at her, "we could do that together, and I've been meaning to get back to the gym. I used to go all the time"

"Oh? Why did you stop?" she asks and rests her head on the palm of her hand looking at you curiously.

"You're not my councilor today Britt" you say to her in a faux stern voice.

She smiles like she's glad you noticed her change in demeanour. "Well, whatever the reason you should go and we should go together, exercising is really good for depression, it releases the positive endorphins in your brain that depression suppresses and it also makes sure you're tired by the time you get home at night, ensuring a good nights sleep" she smiles.

You just smile at her; your face kind of hurts from smiling so much today. This morning and last night you felt like your life was fucking bleak at best, and even though there's lots you still fear, Brittany always manages to bring out the best in you, the positive side in you. She's making you look forward to things when it feels like it's been years since you truly did.

Brittany throws one last piece of bread out and stands up; you automatically stand up with her because you've just grown accustomed to following her lead.

"I should get you home, you need to rest" she says with a caring smile.

She comes over to you and hooks her arm back with yours and you both begin to walk slowly toward the park exit. You really don't want this day to end.

"Don't worry Santana" Brittany says and gives your bicep a gentle squeeze that leaves your arm feeling all funny. She leans into your side and whispers to you like you're the only person in the world. "I want us to be just like turtle doves"

You blink as Brittany lets go of your arm and makes her way toward the car.

You watch, lost in her wonder. You're not exactly sure what she meant by that but you're sure it's something pure and beautiful, just like she is.

It's not long until you arrive back at your apartment block, Brittany opens the car door for you again and you just shake your head at her as you step out. You both walk in silence toward the entrance, but it's not a comfortable silence this time, you're kind of feeling on edge.

You both walk up the stone steps to the entrance door and Brittany stops behind you so you turn around to look at her. You're nervous because you don't know what happens now, you want to invite her up but you're not sure that's a good idea.

"Soooo" she smiles and looks to the ground nodding a little at it.

You laugh softly, maybe she's nervous too, it's uncharacteristic of her though and you enjoy watching her out of her element.

"So" you repeat and your voice is shaking.

She makes you so damn nervous. You rub your now clammy palms down your side and sway on the spot restlessly. Your hearts in your throat and you stare at her lips, you really just want to kiss her, not only because kissing her is awesome but also because you can't really put itnto words how to thank her for today.

"I…I don't know what I would have done without you today" you breathe and take a step closer to her.

She mumbles something and shrugs like it was nothing.

You step closer to her again and now the tip of your boots are hitting hers and your breasts are pressing against hers too. She gasps a little like there's not enough air and her eyes lock on yours. Now you feel like you're drowning all over again but you like this drowning, there's nothing panicky and scary about it, it's just like your floating upwards towards a surface that's unknown.

You look nervously around, there's nobody on the sidewalk as far as you can see in both directions so you decide to do the bravest thing you think you've ever thought about doing.

"No seriously" you say breathlessly and lean in till your nose grazes her cheek and you watch stunned as she breathes heavily back and her eyelids flutter shut. You watch her, your face hovering by hers for a moment and you smile at how her eyes are shut in preparation and she moistens her lips with her tongue. You may disappoint her but you don't think you care, "thank you" you whisper against her skin as you lick your own lips and press them hotly against her cheek.

"Mhmm", a noise escapes from the back of your throat without really meaning to say anything as you press your lips against her soft skin just a little more firmly. You feel your lips tingle as you breathe deep through your nose and shudder a little, you smell her skin and taste a creamy texture on your lips, you think it's a moisturizing cream she uses or something and it's fucking intoxicating. You tear your lips away to press another quick kiss slightly higher than the one you just placed and force your self to step back from her and just stare.

She opens her eyes slowly and just blinks lazily at you. She's so cute you can't stand it so you just smile tranquilly at her. A smile tugs her lips too and her eyebrows rise like you impressed her.

Your hearts now pounding everywhere, you think you even feel it in a vein on your neck.

"You can come up if you want" you say quickly before you lose your damn nerve. "For coffee or something" you mumble.

You try your hardest not to roll your eyes at yourself.

Brittany's eyes cast downwards as she bounces a little uncertainly on her feet. "I dunno," she sighs and her eyes are back on yours, "you should get some rest, besides Sam will be coming back soon"

"Sam's not due home for another 2 hours…and I will rest…c-can you just stay with me on the couch or something till I fall asleep?" you ask lamely.

She tilts her head and shoots you a sympathetic smile like she can't possibly say no to you. "Fine" she caves.

You just don't want her to leave you today.

When you both enter your apartment she spins around walking into the living room and looks around the room.

"Nice place" she says.

You gulp and you're suddenly embarrassed about the mess like the bundle of clothes in the corner. You're also embarrassed about other things like pictures of you and Sam on the bookshelf.

"We can just sit and watch TV if you want?" you say awkwardly as you gesture to the couch.

She runs her tongue along her teeth looking in thought before nodding. You both take off your jackets and you go back through to the hall to hang them up. You exhale and will yourself to stop being a nervous wreck around her.

You walk back into the living room to see Brittany's already lazing back on the couch and watching an old black and white movie on a channel you never knew you had.

"You like old movies?" you ask as you sit down on the far end as far away from her as possible.

"Not particularly" she shrugs, "but I tend to find they help me sleep so…"

"Right," you say ineptly, "sleep…"

Sleep is the last thing on your mind when Brittany's here with you, looking cute as hell and being the most awesome person in your life. It's also the last thing on your mind when she keeps licking her lips and the top button on her shirt is undone so you can see how smooth and luscious her collarbone looks. Sometimes you think you just want to sink your teeth into her.

Brittany clears her throat and you snap out of it to gape at blue eyes looking back at you humorously. Her eyebrows are raised and she giggles. Your stomach flutters right on cue and you feel heat rise to your cheeks. She caught you staring.

"Aren't you coming closer?" she whispers and you have no idea why she's whispering but your heart just rattled and the back of your thighs feel like they are sweating. You can hear your heart pound in your ears as she moves her arm up and rests it on the back of the couch much like she did in the park. She looks to you then inclines her head to the space beside her. She's inviting you in.

You feel sick in the most wonderful way as you scoot closer and closer to her and you give a sigh in relief almost as you settle yourself into her side.

Your head perfectly fits onto her shoulder and you lean into her, your body buzzing like it's going into overcharge. You rest your hand down on her thigh and you feel the warmth of her burn through the material of her jeans and it makes your hand feel tingly.

You feel her hair tickle your side when she leans in, "is this ok?" she whispers, her hot breath melting into your ear.

You gulp and nod.

You can't fucking speak.

You sigh in relief a little as she turns back to the television and you both sit in an intense silence for a few minutes watching the movie. You actually feel your body heating up and the air in your lungs dampen. You just want to kiss and kiss her till you can't feel anything but her anymore. You don't know how to go about it though, is there a polite way of asking 'you wanna make out'?

Your head is burrowed down and resting on her shoulder and you can see down her shirt. You smile a little because she's wearing a white bra. You once again smell a nice creamy aroma emanating from her and you gape up at her and stare at her lips. They are so pink and soft looking, you want to kiss her.

"You smell nice" you say quietly, you feel her body tense a little as your own breath probably just travelled down her neck.

She makes a little sound from her throat and you feel it vibrate in her body. You love being this close to her. You're not sure what it was supposed to be but you suppress a chuckle because she doesn't comment further. Maybe she's finding it just as hard to concentrate as you are.

You need to make idle conversation, maybe that will help.

"So, uhm…what exactly is a sex therapist, what do you do?" you ask clearing your throat just to break a little of the tension.

Out of all the things you could've spoke about.

You fucking idiot.

"I give advice" she says with a shrug, "It's not as interesting as it sounds," Brittany says quietly and she captures her lower lip with her teeth and just looks down at you all breathless and almost doe eyed.

Holy crap.

You stare back up, completely lost in her eyes.

"Any funny stories?" you ask lamely to try make the atmosphere light but it's not working; the air between your bodies feels heavy.

"I'd never divulge what patients tell me," Brittany says, "but" she adds and her thin pink lips curl upwards into a devious smirk. "There is some…interesting…conclusions I've came to"

"Yeah? Like what?" you ask and you're speaking really lowly and quietly. You're afraid if you speak any louder you'll both just snap.

"Liiikkee" she drawls out and leans her forehead down onto yours, gazing into your eyes intensely. "Woman in same sex relationships _tend _to have the most satisfying sex life," she breathes down on your face.

"Oh" you say wordlessly back up at her, "w-why do…do…you think that is?" you stutter back, trying to prolong this ruse of a conversation.

"Number of reasons" she shrugs, her eyes dropping to your lips and darting back up to your eyes. "Men can't have multiple orgasms and sex tends to be a draining experience for them, unlike woman"

Your grip on her thigh just got a little tighter.

You're curious though.

"What do you mean?" you ask and your heads just lulled backwards staring up at her dreamily. You don't think you ever want to move from here, even if you do feel like your hearts about to burst out your body.

"Well when guys orgasm" she pauses and smirks at you a little, she's talking almost as softly as you are. "They y'know work it out till they reach their one climax, but reaching that one climax is like the physical equivalent of running a marathon. Imagine running then suddenly having to stop and catch your breath. That's why most guys tend to fall asleep straight after sex and tend to get very tired from it, in many sports for example they ban sex before big games or matches, it depletes their stamina" she smirks informatively at you.

"Women…are different?" you croak out.

"In a way, yes" she sighs quietly and she's looking down beyond your face toward your body, probably your boobs. You smirk a little. "In the sense that woman can have multiple orgasms and can last for sustained periods of time, one orgasm for example, even an intense one, wont tire us completely….so…" she trails and seems to lose her breath.

Her other hand comes up and she strokes her fingertips along your face and tucks your hair behind your ear. You shiver at her touch.

"So…" she repeats again like she's forgotten what she was about to tell you. "So…uh…two women can in general, more often than not, participate in hot…sweaty…love making," she breathes out heavily.

You gasp a little and hold your breath.

"Like uh…make love for hours and hours and…" she trails and just looks at you dumbly.

She's just gaping down at you.

Your heart is pounding away in your throat and between your legs.

You can't feel your fucking legs either.

She clears her throat as if to snap herself out of a trance. "Plus you have the points of having the same anatomy…women communicate better…plus it's not common for straight men to perform oral sex on their partners, which is sad"

You swallow thickly and before you can stop yourself you ask "what's it like?"

You lock eyes with her and hope you don't have to elaborate.

"It's one of my favourite things to do," she says almost shyly and you watch mesmerized as her cheeks turn a little red. "Oral sex feels amazing but to go down on another woman…there's nothing like it…"

"You never answered my question," you whisper, craning your neck so you're staring up at her, your face even closer.

"It's like" she pauses and leans down nudging her nose playfully into yours. Her eyes look up in thought and slowly drop back down to yours with a mischievous glint in them. "It's like dipping your tongue into a warm delicious pie," she pants against your lips, her eyelids fall shut and they vibrate a little like she's trying to remember a taste and sensation. "A pie that tastes so fucking good you want to lap away until you've consumed every last drop that's inside"

You whimper as your lips ghost against hers.

"I like pie" you blurt out and feel your face almost overheat with embarrassment.

You don't have time to linger on it as Brittany's lips press against yours and you whimper again against her mouth. You feel the blood drain from your face and all of it just seems to be rushing to pulsate between your legs instead.

She quickly leans back and cups your chin tilting you up and your heads literally in her palm. You're melting at her touch. Before you can ask what she's doing, you feel her hot breath on your neck and she dips her head down and drags her wet tongue slowly up your neck, then it's on your chin, then it's on your lips, then it slips into your mouth and she's swallowed the pathetic moans leaving your throat and consumed your mouth entirely with her own.

Your throat rattles as you make a sound you've never even made before but it's broken by Brittany's tongue that's dipping furiously in and around your mouth, swirling around your own tongue and you feel fucking dizzy. It's hot and messy and wet and you feel like you're going to faint.

"Santana?"

You frown and whimper a little as Brittany continues to lap away inside your mouth, her breath heavy and deep against your face.

If _she_ didn't say your name and you didn't say it then…

You quickly jolt away from Brittany as fast as you can, your lips bursting apart and you look up gasping for air at a confused looking blonde.

Two actually.

One blonde is sitting frowning at you on the sofa and the other is standing at the hallway threshold, mouth agape and brow furrowed.

It's Sam. He's caught you.

No.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

This isn't happening.

You've been caught.


	15. This Night

**Chapter 15 – This Night**

Your heart is racing as you stand and stare, open-mouthed at Sam by the threshold. You watch in horror as you see his face contort with hurt, confusion and shock, you can tell by the way his eyes are flicking drastically between you and Brittany and by the way his mouth is loosely dropped open.

"You're home early," you croak out, your heart thrashing and squidging around uncomfortably behind your chest.

You're not sure why you said it or why it's even relevant but it's the first thing that enters your mind.

He just stares at you, his eyes glaring and his Adams apple trembling like he's trying to speak but doesn't know what to say.

You gulp not knowing where to start as you feel the blood drain awkwardly down your body. You consider lying, you consider telling the truth but your brain is too much in shock and muddled that nothings coming out your mouth.

His eyes are watering and it alarms you because you've rarely saw Sam cry. "H-h-how long as this been going on?" he says angrily looking between you both.

You want to deny it, even though you know it's not the truth you want to tell him that it's just a one off, that it didn't mean anything.

He looks at you though, his face the palest you've ever seen it and it's like the truth is written all over your face because he winces like he found an answer there he didn't want to read.

"You, get out" he says flatly to Brittany

"This i-isn't her fault," you say your entire body trembling.

"It's probably better if I leave Santana" Brittany says quietly and she's already walking out of the room. A few seconds later you hear the front door shut and you gulp and want to call her back because you can't do this without her.

"So…" Sam starts and he's heaving, almost like you were doing, you don't want him to panic. "You're gay or something?" he asks and he's crying. His face is stained red already and tears are dropping down from his eyes.

"I…I don't know" you blurt out and feel your own eyes sting.

"But" he shakes his head like he cant comprehend the idea, "you've been with me all these years, you can't be, I'd know, I've known you since you were 14 Santana" he blubbers and he's back to crying.

You've never saw him like this. He looks like a giant kid, in fact he reminds you of a time when you were both young and he fell of his bike and started crying like a baby, it was a genuine cry, full of hurt and pain and he's crying the exact same way right now. You feel your own tears slip down your face.

"I don't u-u-understand," he blurts out between messy tears and his face is red everywhere, his large lips quivering.

You've completely broken his heart.

You feel sick.

"I don't" he shakes his head and walks up and down looking around the room. "We're going to get married in a few weeks! We…we were supposed to settle down, I had been looking at other houses, we're supposed to start a family"

"I'm sorry," you whisper, not knowing what to do or say. You need to get out of here. "I'm leaving now"

You feel like a robot working on auto-pilot, you feel like your emotions have just paused and you're already packing your clothes and thinking of other stuff you'll need to pack too. You have a big pack under your bed and you think that will do. You wonder if you're a monster or if you're so in shock you can't feel anything.

Toothbrush, hair-dryer, clothes, make-up.

You don't know how much time has passed and Sam hasn't said anything else, but he's watching you pack in the bedroom, wailing uncontrollably. Actually wailing like his heart hurts so much it's causing him physical pain. God, if you don't get out of here he's going to combust.

"You can't do this Santana, don't do this to me, I forgive you, we can work it out!"

You continue packing ignoring him. You don't know what to say, you don't know how to explain to him how Brittany is different from him. How woman seem different from men to you. You're still trying to work it out yourself so how can you possibly try and explain something you don't understand to him?

"Santana, listen to me!" he shouts and he's getting angry. "I love you"

Once you've thrown everything you can think of into your suitcase you walk toward him with a defeated smile. "I love you too Sam, but I'm sorry, I think I mistook it for another kind of love" you say softly and begin to walk toward the hall, dragging your suitcase behind you.

Everything you own is practically in this thing and the world suddenly seems so big. You grab your purse and leave you key on the table by the front door, not knowing when or if you'll be back here. You close the apartment door behind you, hearing nothing but the harsh sobs of the boy you fell in love with, or thought you fell in love with.

Brittany's already waiting outside for you, the car door open like she knew you'd be out sooner or later. You feel like you're going to throw up and you don't feel like talking so you just throw your suitcase in the back and let her drive you to her place.

"Here, let me get that" she says, gently tugging the suitcase out of your hand as you both enter her apartment. She goes through to her room and you slump down on the sofa. The world is eerily quiet. You never heard anything on the drive over, you're not even sure if Brittany said anything to you or not. Your eyes fall the Lucy who's lying down in front of the TV, normally she's all over you when she sees you but she seems to sense a shift in your mood so she's just staring at you. You don't deserve to be welcomed, you don't deserve anything.

Brittany comes walking back through and smiles at you. "We should get drunk, rent a hooker and forget all about your problems"

You stare at her stupid face.

"Is that your attempt at being funny?"

"Yeah, did it work?" she asks hopefully

"Kinda" you mumble. "Why am I not feeling anything?" you ask like it's her fault.

"It could be your medication" she says softly like she's afraid to speak any louder.

You frown at her, wanting her to elaborate.

"SSRI's are supposed to prevent you from feeling lows, they stabilize your mood so…" she says and shrugs.

"So I'm an unfeeling fucking zombie? Great" you snap at her. "I'm fucking insane"

"Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Brittany says airily, completely ignoring your attitude.

"Pfft, yeah?" you ask her dryly, you're being rude to her and you don't know why. "What exactly is it I'm doing over and over again _Einstein_?"

She looks a little taken aback by your hostility but she clears her throat and shrugs. "Sam?"

"Are you trying to be funny again?" you snarl at her.

"No," she says impatiently, "you were in a relationship that you thought was right but you felt like you were still waiting on something bigger to happen, somethings been nagging you for a while but you probably didn't know what it was, like you were waiting and expecting a greater feeling to come along, maybe you thought getting married would give you that feeling, if not that then maybe having kids? Then you would have kept trying and trying until you realized that feeling just ultimately isn't there"

Your face drops at how accurate she is, you've come to expect it by now but it still surprises you. "What feeling?" you ask

She smiles a little, "It" she says simply and departs through to the kitchen.

"It" you mumble under your breath when she's gone.

You wonder what _it_ is and whether you've found it in her.

You spend the entire day not eating and sleeping on the sofa, you ignore the dog and Brittany when they both try to get your attention. You realize you haven't ate since Thursday night but you feel too sick to eat. You spend the night on the sofa too, Brittany implores you to sleep beside her but you ignore her like you've been doing all day. Come Sunday morning Brittany's up early and she calls to you that she's taking Lucy for a walk, you jump at the chance and rush through to her bedroom to sleep there instead. You just want to sleep and sleep. You've also turned off your phone because you're scared of what might happen if you turn it on.

Brittany comes in later and sits at the edge of the bed.

"You haven't had a shower in days" Brittany says in a stern but empathetic tone. "You also haven't eaten in days"

"Leave me alone Brittany" you mumble and throw the pillow over your head. You don't want to hear it, why can't she just leave you alone for a while? You're allowed to feel depressed, you're _allowed _to be fucking upset.

"I can't" she says, "this is how deep depression starts, first you don't care about yourself or others, then you stop taking care of yourself, a few days turns into a week then a few weeks, it's the beginning of a destructive cycle"

You roll your eyes even though she can't see, "Whatever Brittany," you say shortly, "am I not allowed to lie in bed and fucking be upset about things?"

"Yes you are, I just want you to be clean while you lie in bed and sob over your failed marriage," she says and you can hear the smirk in her voice.

You spin around and sit bolt upright to face her on the edge of the bed. "This isn't funny," you say flatly, frowning at her.

You're mad at her but you don't think you can be mad much at her at all. You want to be really, _really _mad at her but you don't think it's in you which scares the hell out of you because you can get mad at anyone easily enough, even Sam.

"Oh I know honey," she says with an apologetic pout.

Your heart stops briefly. She called you honey again.

"But you're getting a shower right now, I'm worried about you, don't make me fight you again"

You roll your eyes and feel like you're on a short fuse, "Just leave me alone, OK? I know what you're trying to do and thank you but I just want to be gross and in this bed OK? You can't force me to do something I don't want to do"

"Can't I?" she says with an arched brow.

"No you can't-"

You're cut off when Brittany practically lunges at you, wraps her arms around your waist and with a strength you didn't even know she possessed hauls you up entirely from the bed. She's suddenly thrown you over her shoulder and is stumbling off the bed.

"Put me the fuck down right now" you grunt through gritted teeth and you're upside down and feel dizzy, you feel the blood rush to your head and you're so damn angry.

You think you might actually hit her.

You flail and try kicking your legs but she's got a good grip on you and she simply walks you out of the room with your body thrown over her shoulder like some damsel in distress.

"No can do gorgeous," she says happily, like your anger means nothing, like this is an everyday occurrence. To add insult to injury she pats her hand on your ass playfully. "You've got a shower to get, or are you going to force me to strip you butt naked?"

"Get off me, let me go!"

She ignores you though and the next thing you know your ass is opening the bathroom door and she drops you down with such ease in front of the shower.

"Stay here," she smiles, "I'll go get you a towel, some clothes and underwear"

You frown at her moodily and cross your arms over yourself. She has no fucking right.

She comes back as quick as she left with your stuff in her arms, "OK, so here's your towel" she says and puts it onto the table next to the shower. "I just grabbed you some sweat pants and a t-shirt if that's OK since I figured you probably don't want to go anywhere" she says as she puts them down by the towel.

You're so mad at her but you can't bring yourself to shout at her at all. It's sitting angrily in your throat but when you open your mouth nothing comes out.

"Oh" she says suddenly and holds out a pair of your cotton yellow underwear, she holds it down by her own crotch and sways her hips back and forth as if trying them out. "Cute panties" she smiles a little and looks at you with a blush.

You gulp your anger and any other emotion you might be feeling right now down and just stare at her, ignoring how your heart flutters for the first time in what's felt like years.

"Being with another woman does have benefits you know" she smirks, "you've practically doubled your wardrobe"

You feel a smile twitch your lips but you just roll your eyes and huff at her moodily. "If you want me to get a shower so bad, shouldn't you just leave me alone to get to it then?"

Her smiles fades and she scrunches up her brow. "Uhm…OK" she says quietly, putting down your underwear next to your other clothes and giving you an apologetic yet sad smile. "Shout me if you need anything" she says quietly and leaves shutting the door behind her.

You feel fucking awful as you stand under the showerhead, letting the warm water wash away some of your sadness. You're being an asshole but she just doesn't get it. You feel tears stream from your eyes and you didn't even feel them coming, you're beginning to wonder if the medication is numbing you too much, you don't know if you're feeling anything anymore. You have this deep ache in your heart and stomach, like a giant ball of sadness you just want to set free but you can't, it's just sitting heavily inside you.

Once you come out the shower you wrap a towel around your hair and a giant fluffy one around your body. You sigh, your muscles feeling more lax. You hate to admit it but you're glad she forced you to get a shower.

You open the bathroom door and make your way to the living room. Brittany's sitting on the sofa her head lulled back, she's in tight jeans and a grey tank top. She looks like she was sleeping but her head comes up and she smiles at you when you walk closer to her.

You're suddenly feeling a rush of emotion and you're not sure exactly what it is, you want to hug her, you want to cry in her arms but you also want to rip her clothes off and kiss her everywhere.

"Feeling better?" she asks with a small tentative smile, like she feels guilty about forcing you earlier.

You walk up to her without a word and come to stand in front of her. You watch as she swallows thickly and watches you curiously. You spread your legs and sit on her lap, wrapping your still wet arms around her neck.

You arch into her and crane your neck up, exposing the flesh of your neck to her. Your eyes facing the ceiling you close them and breathe heavily "I need you to make me feel better"

Brittany's delicate fingers are already tracing up your wet legs and behind your thighs, you shiver when she reaches the towels edge just below your ass. Your leg muscles tighten and you jolt a little into her waist, the air between your spread legs damp and hot.

"Fuck" you gasp.

Brittany's tongue is on your neck and running up toward your pulse point.

Your eyes pop open and you grip behind her neck hard when she suddenly sinks her teeth into the pulse point on your neck. She bobs her head in and out, your skin between her teeth, shots of pleasure and pain zapping beneath your skin like electricity.

"Harder" you gasp, feeling a rush of blood and excitement go to your head. You rub behind her neck eagerly to spur her on.

She bites down harder on your neck then switches to gentle sucking, your skin burning in pain then tingling when her tongue soothes it better.

"Oh god," your eyes are stinging because it hurts a lot.

You can't decide if it's giving you pleasure or pain but your sparse breathing and pounding heart is telling you that you like it regardless.

"Ugh" you groan out, your head and your sex pounding. "Harder" you growl like she isn't doing enough.

She detaches her mouth from your neck and it's over.

You cringe feeling embarrassed.

You look down at her and worried cerulean blue eyes are gazing into yours. "I'm sorry I just….I just wanted to _feel_ something…" you blurt out and suddenly you're sobbing uncontrollably.

You wonder where the hell it came from but now you cant stop sobbing, the type of deep heavy crying that makes you feel like you're not breathing properly.

"Ssh, it's OK" she coos gently and you've already crumbled, burrowing your head into her neck and letting her embrace you in a hug.

"I'm sorry," you mumble between tears.

She just strokes a hand through your wet hair in response and continues to hold you tightly. You cry for a while and mutter things into her skin; it feels like a long time because your heart feels like it's dipped in darkness and you begin to shiver as the air dries your skin and hair. You're not sure how long it's been and you think maybe you cried yourself to sleep but Brittany's gently patting your arm, rousing you from some sort of sad slumber.

"Santana," she whispers gently, "go dry your hair, put on some clothes and I'll make us dinner, OK?"

"Thank you," you croak out, your voice thick and deep. Your heart feels a little lighter but you still feel emotionally numb as you walk toward the bedroom in a daze.

After you dry yourself and your hair you feel a little better, if not slightly embarrassed about everything. You put on some sweats and a plain white t, honestly you feel like crawling back into bed but it's only 6pm and your stomach suddenly reminds you that you haven't eaten in two days. You come back into the living room and your heart suddenly fills with a comfortable warmth. The lights are low, there's two delicious looking pasta dishes on the coffee table bellowing steam and an old black and white movie is on the TV turned down low.

Brittany's on the sofa smiling at you patting the space next to her. "Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho' has just started, it's supposed to be scary and I guess it was at the time but I find it funny" she says and gives a shy giggle.

The warmth is still in your heart and for the first time in days you feel a genuine smile spread across your face.

"Oh I made us a tomato-base pasta dish too, I hope that's OK? It's something light I guess" she says and shrugs.

You walk across and slump down next to her, making sure there's little space between your bodies. You place a hand on her lap and look into her eyes that look darker in this light.

"I don't deserve you to be so awesome but thank you," you say quietly.

Her light blonde eyelashes blink and flutter at you as a humble smile spreads beautifully across her face. You quickly lean forward and give her a quick soft kiss on the cheek. You smile at her again without another word and grab your dinner. It's one of those rare moments in life when you thank god you're left-handed because this way you're able to eat you're your dinner and leave the palm of your hand on her thigh. She giggles at you as you practically devour the dish in front on your lap.

"Sorry," you laugh a little, your mouth full of pasta. "I haven't eaten in days and this is delicious"

"You're cute" Brittany breathes and she puts her own finished plate back on the table and simply leans her head down on your shoulder.

You both watch the rest of the movie, your heart beating wonderfully deep inside you as the warmth of her head engulfs your shoulder sending tingly feelings to your heart and soul. You both laugh at the supposed-to-be-scary moments and the equally bad CGI effects, Brittany gets a little defensive and informs you back in the 60's it would have been scary. You both end up laughing at even ridiculous things and you feel like a giant weight has been lifted off you, you're not even sure if you're laughing because you find stuff funny or laughing at her finding stuff funny, all you know is that your stomach muscles are beginning to hurt and it feels good.

You yawn feeling content and tired once the movie has ended, her head's still on your shoulder so you turn your own head and hover your nose over her hair. You inhale the smell of her shampoo and you shudder as you whisper "Thank you"

She sits up away from you and grins lazily back; she looks just as relaxed as you feel.

"Uhm…do you want to dance?" she asks shyly, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears which look red at the tips even in this light.

You blink at her.

"D-dance?"

You look around the room expecting to find an explanation but there isn't one. "There isn't any music" you say awkwardly.

She sniggers like she predicted what you'd say. "Not now silly, I'll put on a nice song and we can just slow dance?" she asks.

You gulp and feel your cheeks burn red. "I-I don't think I've slow danced since Sam took me to prom" you stutter out and give a wry laugh.

"Santana" she pouts but frowns too, "are you saying no to me?" she asks with a glint in her eye, like she already fucking knows you can't say no to her.

You just stare at her speechless.

She smirks at you before getting up and sauntering toward a small ipod docking station next to the TV. She puts on a song and it's got a mid-tempo but gloomy beat with oriental strings intertwining through the melody.

She comes over to you and takes your hand gently, lifting you up out the seat. Your hearts back to thumping because she's holding your hand again but it seems to be deep and slow, almost like the beat to the song.

_"There are things I have done_

_There's a place I have gone_

_There's a beast and I let it run_

_Now it's running my way"_

You stand awkwardly facing her not knowing what to do with your hands, "Uh…" you hesitate and she just laughs gently. She takes your hand and moves it around her own waist till you rest it on the small of her back. She clasps your other hand tightly and holds your hand in the air and just begins swaying a little.

_"There are things I regret_

_That you can't forgive you can't forget_

_There's a gift that you sent_

_You sent it my way"_

You let go of her hand because you somehow don't feel close enough to her so you rest your head against her shoulder and wrap your arms around her in warm embrace. She responds by gently resting her own hands by your hips and you both resume swaying a little.

_"So take this night and wrap it_

_Around me like a sheet_

_I know I'm not forgiven_

_But I need a place to sleep_

_So take this night_

_And lay me down on the street_

_I know I'm not forgiven but I hope_

_That I'll be given some peace"_

You sigh and smile contently into her, you want to laugh because you're sure just hugging and swaying a little on the spot doesn't qualify as dancing but she doesn't seem to mind at all.

_"There's a game that I played_

_There are rules I had to break_

_There's mistakes that I made_

_But I made them my way"_

It's the most wonderful, amorous embrace you think you've ever experienced, everything is tingly and warm. You hug her in even tighter, feeling her breasts press gratifyingly into your own. You feel her lungs expand and receded with every breath she takes, you feel her back arch, you feel the warmth of her body encased in your own, you feel her breath travel down the side of your neck. You feel high and content, tired but your senses oddly wide awake. You feel like in this rocking and swaying motion you could fall asleep in her arms and it would be the best damn sleep you ever had.

_"So take this night_

_And wrap it around me like a sheet_

_I know I'm not forgiven_

_But I need a place to sleep_

_So take this night_

_And lay me down on the street_

_I know I'm not forgiven_

_But I hope that I'll be given some peace_

_Some peace, some peace…"_

After the song finishes she pulls away slowly and you look up into an equally content and serene smile. She brings you back in and even though the song is finished she begins swaying you again and you feel the vibration of her throat as she begins humming the tune instead. You smile and blink slowly resting down on her shoulder again.

"I knew from the moment I met you Santana," she whispers gently into your hair, causing shivers to erupt down your neck.

"Knew what?" you breathe back just as quietly and shut your eyes; you could honestly fall asleep right now.

"That you weren't just another one of my patients"

You smile at that, laughing softly into the skin of her neck and you just hum back in response to let her know you agree. You suddenly want to tell her stuff though and you're not sure what it is exactly but every time she talks to you or touches you she has this weird effect on you that makes you want to divulge your deepest fears to her. She's like some sort of truth serum and it both impresses and scares you.

"I'm scared of all this…you…" you whisper softly, your eyes still shut, entranced. "I feel like I'm scared by how happy you make me because I'm just not used to it. I think I was just content with Sam…maybe even settling…but with you…you're too good to be true and I'm scared because good things don't usually happen to me"

"Well they happen to me" she whispers back and you can hear the smile in her voice.

You hold onto her even tighter and you feel her heartbeat against your own and on the palm of your hand on her back.

"Your heart is beating really fast" you smile

"Yeah sorry," she laughs softly, "it turns into a wimp around you"

You giggle but Brittany pulls back and her flushed face and tired eyes look at you affectionately. "Something on your mind Santana?" she asks quietly.

You gulp and wonder how she knew. You feel silly for wanting to admit this but recently you've been feeling guilty about the stupidest of things and you feel like you just want to get it off your chest.

"I'm sorry for not singing to you," you say unevenly. "I get nervous and…" you trail not knowing how to explain, "You see, songs haven't ever meant much to me, they're fun to listen to and dance to but that's about it, but then Rachel sang that song in the bar that night and I looked at you and I just…" you trail again feeling the air leave your lungs entirely. "I felt breathless" you exhale, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that songs mean something around you"

Brittany just looks at you, her mouth hanging open a little and leans down pressing her lips down onto your own. Your heart stops and you feel light-headed a little but she pulls away all too quickly, and you can breathe again. Just.

"You don't have to explain or apologize for such a silly thing" she winks at you. "If and when you're ready I'll be here to listen"

You nod feeling relief wash over you, you feel stupid for worrying about it now.

"We should go to bed, we've both got an early start"

She takes your hand and again it does crazy things to your body as she leads you into the bedroom. You climb into bed with what you're wearing and you watch her as she slides off her jeans into just her underwear. You gulp at the sight of pale smooth flesh of her ass but she's already turned around and climbing in beside you.

You never pegged yourself as a clingy person, you've never been like that with Sam but you're almost scared to be too far away from her right now so you nuzzle up beside her as soon as her head hits the pillow. You don't even know if you'll be able to sleep with her beside you like this as your heart beats frantically around in your chest but you think it will maybe be the first time you enjoy not having a good sleeping pattern. Brittany's breathing is eventually soft and you watch her face as she licks her lips like some cute puppy falling asleep.

"Brittany," you whisper placing a palm on her arm under the covers, "I just want to ask you something before you fall asleep"

You're so god damn nervous again.

"Mhmm" she smiles lazily up at the ceiling, her eyes shut tight.

"Will you go out on a date with me?" you ask shakily.

You watch as a subtle change in her expression is visible on her face but she's still smiling and not bothering to open her eyes, she just hums and nods eagerly, "goodnight Santana" she mumbles before rolling over.

You feel your heart jump up to your throat and you almost want to laugh in relief because that was way easier than you thought. You weren't expecting her to say no but you're not exactly sure what you were expecting to happen.

"Goodnight Britt" you whisper back as your head sinks further into the pillow.

You don't feel like you're home just yet but a large part of you knows that the more you're around her, you're in a place you can call home anyway.

You fall asleep surprisingly quickly, comforted by that thought.

Come morning time Brittany's already up before you so there's no arguments about who uses the shower first. Since your work is only a short walk from here you have much more time in the morning than you're used to so you lie on the sofa and watch cartoons with Lucy lying next to you. You pet the back of her neck and you're not used to feeling this relaxed, especially in the morning on a workday.

To your horror you have a pink mark on your neck from yesterday and you try covering it with makeup and your hair. You have to iron your work clothes because you just stuffed them into your luggage bag without a second thought. Once you're ready, Brittany's waiting for you in the living room. You gape at her as she's wearing a stripy white t-shirt with black shorts with suspenders on, her hair is down and slightly wavy in places, she runs a hand through her hair so it pulls back gracefully revealing her face and ears.

You gulp.

She smirks when she notices you, "you like?" she asks coyly.

You walk forward and clasp one of the straps between your thumb and pointer finger and slowly run your fingers down the material. You feel her body shift a little and once you reach her breasts you know why, the back of your finger grazes her nipple which turns hard almost instantly at your touch.

You hear the quietest of gasps leave her mouth and you smirk as her ears and cheeks tinge red.

"I like" you breathe back.

You run your finger back up, grazing over the cotton material of her shirt and up along her stiff nipple again and you hear her throat give a shaky sigh. You pull the thin strap out and let it snap back onto her breast harshly.

She hisses and you just laugh lowly, "it's your own fault you know, you should wear a bra like the rest of us," you say as you place both your hands on your hips, smiling smugly at her.

Her chest still heaving a little she just scoffs and rolls her eyes, "Y'know it's totally unfair, society sexualizes female nipples but doesn't with male nipples, why is it guys are allowed to walk around in the summer with no top on but as soon as a woman does it's somehow inappropriate? They're just the same body parts, it's totally sexist and racist"

You blink at her then burst out laughing, having no idea you touched upon such a sensitive subject. "I guess, I don't see how it's racist though"

"Cause I said so" she huffs and walks toward the hallway and disappears out of sight.

You smile inwardly at yourself, "can't argue with that"

You don't think you've ever felt this happy going to work. Walking in the crisp morning air with Brittany's arm wrapped around your own, bypassing aromas of coffee shops and bakery stores. You're too damn happy to talk so you just squeeze Brittany's arm with your hand every few minutes just to remind her that you're happy, that her just being here with you makes you happy. You stumble a little because you're not even looking where you are going, you're just grinning stupidly at her.

"Are you OK?" she says and flashes you a smile.

Your smile just grows wider and you just laugh at her, feeling like your stomach is floating.

She narrows her eyes, a smirk on her face, "what are you laughing at?"

"Sorry, I'm just…happy…I think"

"Well," she says, her voice dropping lower, "I'm happy too"

You just giggle again and look down at the ground trying to conceal your blush. It's a Monday morning, and you usually hate Monday mornings.

You eventually approach your work building and it's rather convenient that Brittany is just literally across the road, you can walk to and from work together. Living with her for the time being is going to take some getting used to but it doesn't seem as overwhelming as it did yesterday.

Brittany let's go of your arm and stands just in front of you, "I've probably got a mountain of paperwork to catch up on," she grumbles looking up to her office window across the street. "I probably won't be home till late" she says and skews her mouth to the side.

Home.

It's weird to call it that.

"Oh," you breathe, a little disappointed, "I was going to cook you dinner" you mumble.

Brittany gives you a lazy smile and gently places her hand on your forearm, coming into your right ear. "That's a lovely thought, but I'm sure I'll find something else to eat"

She leans back and there's a glint in her eye and you're not sure if she's toying with you again. You just nod not really wanting to leave her company.

"I've decided I'll take the two weeks off and come to Tennessee with you" you inform her, "my boss probably won't be happy but whatever, I'm the best they have on that floor, they won't fire me" you smirk and give a confident shrug.

Brittany grins and squeals in delight. She runs at you, wrapping her arms around your waist into a warm embrace.

You giggle uncontrollably as she bounces up and down on her feet, "thank you, thank you, thank you" she says quickly and pulls away with an ecstatic expression on her face. "We're going to have so much fun, considering what you've been feeling lately I'm going to try my hardest to make you so happy" she beams and nods like it's a promise, it's almost childlike, like she's promising to be on her best behavior.

Your heart swells in your chest and throat. "Brittany," you sigh softly, tilting your head, "you don't even need to _try_ to make me happy, you already do"

"Oh" she says, her eyes wide with wonder, like she can't believe what she's hearing. "I see" she smiles shyly and looks down at her now tapping feet.

She's so cute and you're so happy you feel like crying happy tears but you don't think you have the energy to.

"Well," she says eventually, her thumbs sliding under and playing with the straps of her suspenders. "I better go, I'll be thinking about you all day Santana" she says with a giggle and she's off skipping toward the traffic light at the road junction before you can respond.

You smile stupidly at her leave and cross the street, your eyes falling to her ass and the exposed skin of her thighs. You let out a breath. You gulp as you realize you really want to make love to her, you want to show her how much she makes you happy. You smirk as you enter your work building, maybe you'll just jump her as soon as she gets home from work. It's better to be impulsive and spontaneous, being those things has gotten you Brittany after all.

You're glad you came to work because after hours of sorting through the payroll that nobody bothered to do in your absence you feel like you're back to normal. You still hate this fucking job but for once you're thankful it's here to distract you from your thoughts. You sit at your desk and rapidly tap the pen against the edge of your desk. You're restless. Feeling a little brave you think it's time you faced your fears. You bend down and take your phone out of your bag that has effectively been dead for a few days. You switch it on and wait with anticipation, half-expecting to see hundreds of missed calls and texts from Sam, Quinn, some other distant friends you haven't spoken to in a while, maybe even cousins of yours. Sam would tell your parents, then your parents would tell everyone. Your entire family is probably talking about you right now, you're not sure why you care because you don't even like most of you're family but the thought of everyone talking behind your back creates an unsettling feeling in your stomach.

You don't want to care but it bothers you that you do.

When your phone loads though you're surprised that there are only a few missed calls and texts from Quinn. Your surprise fizzles into a deep sense of relief. Just as you skim over her messages you get another one incoming from Quinn.

_Quinn: Sam told me what happened. Starbucks?_

You blink at her text; she seems unusually calm, even for Quinn.

_Santana: Not for lunch, Britt's working late, Starbucks after work?_

Normally you'd meet Quinn for lunch of course but not today, you have other plans, plans you're too embarrassed to tell her about. A second later you get a reply:

_Quinn: OK, take care_

Again you sigh in relief without knowing why, you'd thought your world would crumble, maybe it is but right now things don't seem as bad as you thought. You spend your lunch at your desk, you look around at the empty office, everybody's gone to lunch, now is your chance. You take your phone back out and open the Internet browser, well, you could do this on the computer in front of you but something's tell you you'd get fired for watching lesbian porn at your work.

You make sure it's muted before you press play. You watch silently as two blonde women are for some reason already naked and kissing. You shift in your seat a little; this is just making you want to kiss Brittany. The further they progress you wince a little, it seems so forced and orchestrated, this is honestly doing nothing for you. You try imagining yourself as one of the woman but you just feel secondhand embarrassment. You're about to stop the video when the shorter blonde leans down and closes her mouth over the other woman's sex. It's then you see her face, her jaw slackens, her eyes widen. There are some things you just can't fake and you chew your lip with excitement almost. You stop the video and exit out of the browser, clearing your history just to be safe. You're desperate to see that look on Brittany's face, but more importantly you want to be the cause of that look on Brittany's face. You open your messages and type out a quick one to Brittany:

_Santana: Hey Britt, I'll walk you home after work, I know you're working late but I'll be in Starbucks with Quinn so just gimme a text when you're nearly done_

You try clear your mind of the strange blonde woman who had her legs parted and her head flung back in pleasure, your phone buzzes and distracts you from your thoughts:

_Brittany: OK. Hey gorgeous, I have a question :)_

You smile foolishly down at your phone; every time she calls you that your ego inflates by about ten times its usual size.

_Santana: Shoot :-)_

A few seconds passes and she texts you back her reply:

_Brittany: What exactly were you going to make me for dinner?_

You stare at her text feeling excitement bubble in your stomach, you don't know if it's how you're feeling or if it's spurred on by what you just watched but you suddenly think about everything you want to do with her, do _to _her and you decide upon the only appropriate response you can think of:

_Santana: Pie ;-)_

You smirk down at your phone and put it by your keyboard. By the end of lunch she hasn't text you back and people are filling back into the office. You wonder if you were too forward but then you scoff at yourself, _it's Brittany_. You shrug it off and get back to work.

When it's almost time for you to go home your boss, Mr. Henderson comes over to your desk and taps you on the shoulder. "My office" he says simply and turns around walking back to said office.

You gulp suddenly and feel your stomach plummet; did he know you were watching porn?

You enter his office and sit down on the seat opposite him; he straightens his tie and crosses a leg over considering you for a moment.

"Is something wrong?" you croak out.

"Yes," he says simply, "Lopez I'm worried about you. On Friday morning I received a phone call from your fiancé saying that you had been taken into hospital because of mental health reasons and that you wouldn't be at work"

You feel a cold awkwardness trickle down your body and your cheeks turn red with shame. He's looking at you like you're a different person, there's almost sympathy there and you don't like it, he thinks you're crazy.

"I want you to take time off"

You splutter a little, your words cut off from surprise at his suggestion. You weren't expecting this. "Actually I agree," you say, "I'm planning to take two weeks off soon but sir, until then I just want to get back to normal, I'm on medication and honestly my work hasn't been affected" you say firmly.

His stony face splits into a smile and he nods at you, "I trust you Lopez, I need my staff healthy and you're the best on this floor."

"Thank you sir"

"Don't overexert yourself, and be sure you take that holiday soon Lopez, that's an order"

Feeling yet another rush of relief you stand up on your chair and thank him. "Sir?" you ask, curious about something. "You contacted Sam, I take it he is my emergency contact?"

"Yes" he nods.

"I want to change that," you say unwaveringly even though your stomachs back to spinning with nerves. You rip a yellow sticky note from his desk and write down Brittany's phone number and address. "I want this person to be my emergency contact from now on"

"OK' he says curiously, taking the note out of your hand. You watch his old lips mumble Brittany's name under his breath. "Who is this person to you?" he asks.

Fuck.

You can tell he's not being nosy, he's just curious.

"Just a f-flat mate" you force a smile, thrown by his question.

"I'm currently residing at that address, will that be all?" you ask, desperate to get out of here before he asks any more questions.

He nods and you quickly spin on your heels and bolt out the office.

You're relieved the day is over as you exit work and look across the street. Your stomach flutters a little, the mere thought that Brittany is just right over there makes you irrationally happy. You turn around though and make your way to Starbucks; the sky is already turning dark.

As soon as you open the door you spot Quinn at a nearby table wearing a sympathetic smile and holding out your coffee order. You smile feeling relief and tiredness flow through you as you slump down on the chair opposite her.

You take a sip of coffee and sigh, relaxing back in the chair, "what did Sam tell you?" you ask apprehensively.

Quinn looks down and fidgets with the edge of her cup.

"Nothing much, he called me in tears, I could hardly make out what he was saying"

"Oh" you say, feeling your stomach drop not for the first time today.

"He just said he caught you with someone else and that you had moved out, I'm worried about him, he hung up on me and when I went to phone back he didn't answer"

You nod slowly, "he didn't say anything else?" you ask, surprised.

Quinn shakes her head "No, of course I already knew who he caught you with but he didn't say anything"

You feel relief. Again.

"Nice hickey" she says dryly.

Fuck. You thought your hair would cover it up, it wasn't that noticeable before, and you hope your boss didn't see.

"Before you start Quinn, I don't want a lecture OK? I know how fucked up everything is"

"Fine. But I just want you to know that I don't approve, she's taking advantage of you, you're confused and feeling vulnerable and she's supposed to be in a position of power, a position of helping you-"

"She _is_ helping me" you insist.

"What? By shoving her tongue down your throat?" Quinn says with a quirk of her eyebrow.

"No," you say slowly, "she does that _after _she helps me" you smirk.

"Eugh…" Quinn just groans and rolls her eyes at you.

Your smile fades a little and your eyes land on Quinn's hazel ones. "I'm serious about her Quinn," you say quietly.

She gives an exasperated sigh and nods in resignation, like you're not telling her anything she doesn't already know. "I know, I just don't want you to get hurt"

You smile and go to say something but your phone buzzes in your bag, you hold an apologetic hand up and see on the screen that Brittany's calling you.

"Hi" you smile down the receiver and you can already feel Quinn's glare burn your face.

"Hi" Brittany says back and her voice sounds different.

"Everything OK?" you ask, taking another drink of coffee.

"Mhmm" Brittany hums and there's a playful tone in her voice. "It's just I've been thinking about _counseling _you all day"

You blink.

The emphasis she put on the world counseling is strange, almost like it's a euphemism for something else.

"Oh?" you breathe out and suddenly your insides are squirming.

"Yeah, I've been trying to imagine you here, imagine me _counseling _you but using my imagination just isn't working for me anymore" she says and gives a heavy sigh that penetrates deep into your ear and gives you shivers. "Do you understand what I'm saying Santana?" she says lowly.

"Uh," you stutter, your heart suddenly beating wildly. "No" you blurt out. You feel your face flush because of course you know what she means but Brittany also likes to play games and tease you a lot.

She gives a low delicious deep laugh that simultaneously unnerves and excites you.

"Let me put it this way," she breathes down the phone and you almost have to lean fully into your own to hear her. You feel your pulse beat against your throat and your heart. "I want you to come over here, lie down on this couch and let me spread my legs over you. I want to sit on that gorgeous face of yours and ride it until I come over and over again in your mouth. Is that clear enough for you?"

Jesus Christ.

All the blood in your body rushes to your cheeks and between your legs, beating and boiling hotly beneath your skin.

The phone slips from your sweating hand and you fumble about, catching it just in time before it hits the floor; you make sure you haven't accidently hung up on her before shakily bringing it to your ear again.

"I'm c-c-coming, I mean…uh…I'll come. I'll come over I mean, I-I-I'll be over in a minute and-"

You stop stuttering stupidly when you realize she's already hung up on you. You end the call and sit dumbly on your seat staring into space. Your entire body is shaking.

"I…I have to go" you mumble, standing up without thinking.

"You just got here, you sure? You OK? What did Brittany want?" Quinn asks.

You turn around and blink at her, only just remembering that she's here. "Uh yeah coming…I mean fine" you shake your head. "I've got to gay…go! Go I mean, I meant go, I have to go…" you say and you walk in a trance toward the door without so much as a second glance behind you.

You're not sure of much beyond your own apprehension, but deep down you know that you mostly feel excited. Your heart is all over the place. The cool air hits your face and you pause for a second on the sidewalk.

You want to do this.

You actually feel a faint smile on your face.

You know one thing for sure.

This night has taken an interesting turn.


	16. Room 47

**Chapter 16 – Room 47**

You don't think you've ever felt so nervous in all your damn life. Sure your heart's beating wildly, your palms are sweating and your limbs feel heavy but there's something else lingering in amongst everything. You think it's excitement. You stand for a minute once you enter the familiar building just to catch your breath because you were walking so fast down the street. God, you didn't even explain to Quinn where you were going, what if you die? What if Brittany actually kills you? You should have at least left Quinn with a final message, something like you've always appreciated her and to tell your parents you hate them.

You shake your head and walk to the elevator, it's after work hours so the lights are low and the receptionist that is usually on the ground level isn't here. You fumble with your hands and shift impatiently on your feet waiting for the elevator. Once it arrives you get in and your stomach sinks as it starts to move upwards.

You've been here many times before, you're always nervous going to Room 47 although usually it's because Brittany picks at your brain and drags your very soul out for you to look at, hell maybe she'll still do that tonight.

The familiar noise of the elevator doors opening awakens you from your thoughts and you walk down to where Kurt's normally stationed at his desk. Tonight though it's empty and the place is almost in complete darkness.

Your insides are all over the place as you make your way down the corridor to Room 47, you feel your heart in your throat and the nerves under your skin buzzing. All you can hear is the beat of your heart and the thudding of your shoes against the carpet. The slightest things are unnerving you.

You give a long exhale as your clammy hand rests on the door handle to Room 47. You chew the inside of your cheek in trepidation and force yourself to enter.

It looks different at this time because it's mostly dark out and the curtains are drawn. There's only a stand lamp casting a warm but dull glow over the room. You shut the door behind you and look at the blonde behind the desk at the far end of the room.

Brittany's sitting behind the desk, shoes on the floor, feet on the table laying back casually on her swivel chair with paperwork on her lap. She looks a little startled by your arrival. You feel really warm and you swallow your nerves as you arrive at the other side of her desk. Her blonde eyebrows are raised like she's surprised to see you and a smirk is tugging her lips like she's pleased to see you. She doesn't say anything though; she just chews her pen by the lid of it, twirling it around in her mouth. Her other hand has went from resting on her paper work to running up the back of the straps of her suspenders.

You clear your throat awkwardly.

You have no idea why she isn't speaking.

"Uh…I'm here" you say shakily and your voice is low and quiet.

Brittany's blue eyes consider you for a moment until the pen leaves her mouth with a pop and she places it on the desk.

"Yes, you are" she says, the smirk on her lips growing wider.

You're positively sweating now and you're so damn nervous, you just want her to do something; you can't stand this tension anymore.

Seemingly sensing your anticipation Brittany puts her paperwork on the desk and slowly rises out of her chair. Your whole body stiffens because she walks around the desk and is coming right at you. Oh god. She stops at your side and leans back against the desk looking at you with a calm smile. The sides of her shorts are grazing your thigh and even the slightest contact causes you to go crazy.

Her lack of words is unsettling you.

Why is she so quiet?

You watch as she slowly clasps her soft hand around your wrist and raises your right hand to just in front of her chest. You watch dumbly, your skin tingling as she turns your hand so your palm is facing upward and with her other hand she slowly starts to trace the lines on your palm with the pad of her delicate index finger.

Fuck.

It tingles and as her fingertip traces over a new area of your palm it tickles, it somehow tickles your heart too and you swoon, actually swoon into her.

She must notice a change because her eyes leave your palm and find solace in your own. Her eyes looks so calm yet you can see desire swirl beneath the surface.

"Are you sure?" she whispers, suddenly looking down like she's shy too.

She's went from tracing the lines on your palm to circling the inside of your wrist and it's affecting your ability to fucking speak.

"Yeah" you choke out nervously.

She stops her movements letting your hand fall gently and walks away from you toward the window. She begins to pull the curtain over a little, covering a small gap that was there and you ball your hands up and clench them feeling excitement and nerves jolt throughout your body. Maybe you should say something, make conversation? Compliment her or something.

Because you have no idea how to even start this.

"Quinn doesn't approve of us, she thinks you're manipulating me," you say with a nervous, hollow laugh.

You have no idea why you instead chose to talk about Quinn.

Brittany turns around and comes back toward you this time even closer, grazing your side until she's just behind you. She leans into you from behind, her breasts against the back of your shirt as her hands lean forward and rest on the desk trapping you in from behind. Your head bows submissively and your eyes flutter shut as you feel the electricity zap in the air between you. She's right behind you, her arms at either side of your waist. She leans forward slowly and her hips feel perfect pressing against your ass.

"And what do you think Santana?" she breathes lowly, her breath tickling your neck as her words slip into your ear. "Am I manipulating you?"

You gulp and shake your head, no words whatsoever coming to you.

"Well…" she sighs slowly and you don't think you've heard her voice sound so deep. "Do you want me to? Do you want me to _manipulate_ you Santana?"

The euphemism is not entirely lost on you this time.

Your arms and legs feel all wobbly as you whisper "yes"

Every time you're alone with her she talks to you with an intensity you've never experienced before, it's sensual and intimate - things you've never associated with mere conversation before.

You feel her forehead lean down onto your back and her hot breath exhale heavily down onto your shoulder blade. Her hands leave the desk and trace around the edges of your pencil skirt. You almost laugh because Brittany's breathing is heavy and uneven and maybe she's nervous and losing control too.

Your own breath catches in your throat as she starts rocking her hips into your ass from behind and it's such a small movement that you're not sure if you're just imagining it. It's as frictionless as possible and already she's driving you crazy.

"Ugh..."

A sound escapes from the back of your throat and already you feel embarrassment flush your cheeks, you didn't even mean to make it. She rocks harder into you in response and your front presses against the edge of the wooden desk. You're definitely not imagining it.

Your head lulls back almost instinctively and you press back into her loving the warmth generating from her body and breasts.

You decide to feign confidence even though you feel so small inside. "Fucking your patient in your office is pretty unprofessional" you say lowly, your breathing ragged from the most miniscule of movements her hips are making.

You feel the tip of her nose nudge the lobe of your ear playfully. "Very" she husks into the sensitive skin behind your ear, her hands moving from your waist slowly up the sides of your torso.

Your insides are melting already as your heartbeat begins to pulse between your legs.

"I bet you say that to all your patients" you smirk, feeling delightfully hot and bothered.

"Oh totally" she says back her voice dripping with lust yet interlaced with humored sarcasm. "Wanna know what else I do to my other patients?" she breathes and her hot breath delights the back of your neck causing the tiny hairs there to erupt and stand on their ends.

You bite your lip and nod.

She moves both her hands from your side and glides over your abs with the palm of her hands and you feel your heart race and your muscles tighten beneath her touch. She reaches your breasts and suddenly palms over them, gripping them both firmly in her hands over your shirt.

"This" she hisses.

"Fuck" you gasp feeling the material of your bra shift with the pressure of her grip. "W-w-what else?" you stutter out unable to conceal the desperation in your voice.

You just want her to take control and you'd let her. You'd let her do anything to you, you want her to show you things, you want her to make you feel things you haven't ever felt before, you want her to show you what happiness truly is.

"And this" she says as she runs her hands against your breasts and up to the top button on your shirt and undoes it with such ease.

Well fuck.

You feel the air hit your collarbone and she's already undoing another button, and another, and another. Her fingers fumble over the button in front of your heaving chest and it pops open exposing more and more of your flesh. You find yourself gulping back moans with every pop of a button she undoes.

Pop.

Pop.

Fuck you can't breathe.

You swear you see a button fly off your shirt entirely but you're not taking much in at the moment other than Brittany's breathing and her touch.

Once she reaches the last button she whips the shirt off you, tugging it down your arms hungrily and throws it somewhere behind you both, you hear it landing and crumpling on the floor. She traces her fingers down from your neck to the clip of your bra and you're shuddering at her touch.

"God Brittany" you sigh.

You feel like you're going to combust.

You're actually glad she's behind you because you may die if you see her right now. She unclasps your bra with such ease and with one quick motion. She then spreads her fingers over your shoulders so the straps fall loose and the bra slips off you, dropping onto the desk in front.

You gasp and close your eyes feeling the air hit the warmth of your body. You feel sensitive everywhere. You open your eyes looking down and your breasts are heaving with every breath you take, your nipples already hardened and aroused. Brittany grabs your hips and spins you around, quickly pressing you back up against the desk once you're facing her.

Oh god.

Her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes are dark with lust but all too quickly they drop from your own and land on your breasts, her mouth falls open and she licks her lips like she's about to devour her first meal in a month.

Her look does nothing to settling the squeezing of your heart and the butterflies in your stomach.

You smirk a little and feel smug when she seems distracted entirely.

"You like?" you ask throatily, fighting back a smile.

"I like" she says breathlessly back.

She suddenly cups both of your breasts in her hands and you gasp at the contact. She looks at them in awe as she squeezes them a little and you feel your nipples harden even more, the blood beneath your skin burning at her touch. You swoon into her and grab her shoulder to stay steady. She drags her thumbs over both your nipples simultaneously and you fling your head back, a low deep whining noise erupting from your mouth.

"Ohh…" you hear her breathe and it ghosts over your skin and you realize she's bowed her head and she's about to…

"F-Fuck" you stutter out.

She's closed her lips over your nipple and you feel your knee's buckle, your legs actually give way but she holds you steady.

You are literally aching for her.

Her warm moist breath is engulfing your erect nipple and she's sucking on it with vigor. You feel your sex pound and your jaw slacken at the arousal it shoots throughout your body. She pulls away with a wet pop and latches onto your other nipple and you feel like you're going to fucking pass out.

"Oh Britt" you moan clasping a hand through her hair as her head dips in and out sucking and licking away at your breasts. She moans from her mouth, it vibrates against your nipple and you bite down harshly on your lower lip looking away from her to the wall. The back of your knee's and thighs are sweating and shaking with want. Jesus Christ she's killing you already.

She let's go with another wet pop and gasps like she's just been doused in water and is coming up for air. Her own breathing is ragged and she looks wantonly at your breasts then to your lips.

"Take off your shoes"

You blink at her, not really comprehending anything beyond your own nervous system collapsing right now.

"Take off your shoes" she repeats, her voice low with an edge of dominance. "Then turn back around"

You swallow thickly.

You'd do anything she asked.

You kick off your heels without looking away from her and you're both just starting intensely into each other's eyes. You feel the cool air against your damp nipples and you really just want to ask her to put her mouth back over them. You turn around slowly facing the desk again; you're not quite sure why she wants your back to her. You hum as her hand rests on the small of your back and slowly slides sensually up your spine causing your muscles to tighten. With a little more force she gently forces you forward so you're bending over the desk and she's still pushing you forward. Pushing and pushing.

"Oh" you gasp as your damp breasts meet the hard wooden table, your skin sticking to the surface.

You feel her fingers hook into the waist of your skirt and she's tugging both your pantyhose and skirt down, revealing your legs. The fact that you're literally bent over ass in the air for her is probably turning you on more than it should. You thud your forehead against the desk and try to fucking breathe and think.

You're in the middle of her office in nothing but your damn underwear.

"Wow" you hear her from behind.

"What?" you ask, your breath hitting the wood instantly.

"Nothing, it's just you have a great ass" she sighs and before you can laugh she dips her fingers under the edge of your panties and runs it down tugging at the material slightly, the back of her fingers grazing your ass as she moves lower and lower.

Goddamn it.

She grabs your cheek with her other hand and squeezes the flesh in her palm.

"God fuck…" you groan breathlessly, your ass clenching instinctively.

She digs her nails into the flesh of your ass more and drags tortuously upwards that it causes your spine to shiver and between your legs to burn. "It's nice and soft but firm," Brittany says almost dreamily and she resumes squeezing.

You'd honestly find it funny if the situation weren't so arousing.

You can feel your panties beginning to stick to your throbbing sex and you don't know how much longer you can hold out. You just have a deep, profound carnal desire for her to be inside you, you don't care how, you just need her inside you; you need her to touch you. You've never experienced want like this before.

You stand up and turn around to face her again, "please, just take me" you mumble, completely lost in a haze.

She pulls you in by the waist and tilts her head to the side leaning in for a kiss. Given how needy you feel the kiss is surprisingly soft a slow, you initially sample the taste of her. The kiss starts of soft and slow, shallow breaths, both your breasts heaving and breathing as one together. She grips your lower lip in her teeth and traces the outline with her tongue. You begin kissing her back harder and you slip your tongue out into her mouth needing more. You stumble forwards as she stumbles backwards by your force. Your heart and head pounding in your throat, your ears and between your legs.

"Couch" she breathes, parting from your lips only for a second before clashing her tongue back with yours. The kissing is no longer gentle, it becomes hard and deep, you relish tasting her in your mouth and you forget to breathe. Even if you did all you'd inhale is the intoxicating smell of her flowery perfume.

Everything is happening so fast, she pushes you down on the couch in nothing but your panties and she climbs up onto it with her feet. She's literally standing over you as she begins to take off her clothes. She whips her t-shirt off, revealing her toned torso and already erect nipples. She shimmies out of her shorts and suspenders flinging them across the room.

You smile softly against the tightness in your throat, despite your adrenaline pumping throughout your body sending your nervous system into overdrive. You're so scared and excited and the thrill is causing your heart to pound and between your legs to throb with want.

"Oh god" you breathe.

She's standing over you in nothing but her panties too and looking down at you with barely concealed desire. "Take them off" she says throatily.

You reach your arms up, realizing how long her legs are and your fingertips just reach the edge of her panties and you drag them down her delicious legs. She steps out of them and kicks them away across the room.

You gape up at her, staring in-between her legs. She's hairless apart from a strip of dark blonde curls perfectly up the middle. You feel something catch in your throat when she spreads her legs over you a little more and you can see how wet she is from here. Her folds and skin around are a pink color, almost raw looking and you get a warm desire to touch her there and suck on her skin. It reminds you of the color of her cheeks and ears when she's embarrassed. You just stare at her inflamed looking, glistening core, completely taken in by it's everything. It's a luscious pale reddish pink that's like the tastiest freshest looking ripe strawberry you ever saw. You want to know what she tastes like.

You lick your lips, "I want you so bad" you whisper seductively, your clammy hands gripping the back of her calves.

"I want you too" she breathes back and she's shifting up till she's standing over your head. Everything's happening so fast.

"You…you were serious about the…?" you ask too shy to say it out loud.

She gives you her answer though when she kneels down, her legs either side of your head and you gulp seeing her glistening core hover over your face.

"Ready?" she asks, smiling, her chest heaving and her hair dishevelled entirely.

You nod feeling oddly confident.

She sways her hips from side to side with a smirk on her face and you smell her aroma, you smell her arousal. She gently leans her weight down onto your mouth and you whimper against her wet folds. You explore tentatively at first kissing her core, licking and parting her folds, your own sex pounding at the wetness that seeps and oozes out from her entrance into your mouth. The taste is indescribable. It's tangy at first with a sweet aftertaste and you moan against her flesh when she grips the hair on your head spurring you to go faster. You swipe your tongue up and over her folds, swirling it around her entrance and you can't believe how much you're enjoying this. You thought it would be gross but it isn't, and hearing the small whimpering noises coming from Brittany's throat makes you want to lap away at her harder and faster so you do. You've officially fond your new favourite thing to do and you smile into her sex as she settles her weight on your face entirely.

You dip inside her and it's wet and really warm and it's a lot like kissing around inside her mouth. You love it.

"Oh Santana yes" she hisses.

God. You love when she says your name.

You start to spell your name with your tongue because no matter which direction you seem to dip or swipe it she seems to be enjoying it. Her thighs are squeezing harder and harder into the side of your head and soon enough her thighs have closed over your ears. You can no longer hear her sexy little moans, all you can hear is the blood rushing to your head, your heartbeat in your throat and ears and the slickness dripping from your tongue every time you lap away at her. You're breathing hard through your mouth, it's literally watering as you suck in her flesh, suck on her clit, you do everything you can think of because you're so damn eager and she's so damn wet.

You don't know how much time as passed but you think she's getting close because her thighs are beginning to quake at each side of your ears. She begins moving her hips, gyrating herself on your face. You moan as your eyes roll back, the tip of your nose bumping against her clit every time she rides forward. She begins grinding down onto your lips in circular motions and you feel your face seep in her wetness, you feel it smush against your lips as she drags her folds all over your mouth and against your chin. Your mouth, chin and the area all around is soaked in her juices.

She's literally smothering you with her love and you can do nothing but lie and drink her in.

You hear her scream things but you can't make it out because her thighs are squeezing your head hard. You don't mind one bit.

You dip your tongue back in and you can feel her entrance quiver around your tongue, you think she's close to orgasm so you lap away as deep and fast as you can, fluttering your tongue everywhere.

"Oh yes, right there!" she screams and this time you hear it.

You feel her insides tremble around you and a thick warmth coax your tongue as she rides out her orgasm on your face. Hearing her climax is amazing, it leaves this ache in the middle of your chest, it leaves you throbbing in all of your neediest places. It leaves you in a haze.

You feel her lift her waist up off you and you gasp for air you didn't know you needed. You groan a little, honestly you just want her to sit back down and for you to continue doing this for hours to see what other noises you can elicit from her.

"Oh god Santana" she says and she's panting, her face sweating in a gorgeous post-orgasm glow. "Your lips are _amazing_"

You giggle feeling high, you feel so proud and relieved and fucking overjoyed you made her have an orgasm. It momentarily makes you forget your own need. "Was that ok?" you ask, out of breath.

"Are you kidding?" she pants back and settles between your legs, her sweating hands on your thigh. You can see her ab muscles retracting and trembling like she's still in orgasm a little and you've never felt so fucking proud in all your life.

"I'm going to fuck you so hard now" she says darkly like it's a promise.

Your heart is back to racing as she lowers her head in-between your legs.

You instinctively spread your legs for her, shamed at your own pooling arousal you're sure is on display for her to see. Her hands find purchase at the side of your calves and she traces up the side of your legs making your hips roll into the air wantonly.

"Brittany" you whine desperately.

You hear her breathe a subtle, sexy laugh. She climbs up your front and leans her face down so it's hovering over yours. "Patience," she murmurs deeply against your lips. The vibrations of the word starting at Brittany's lips and reverberating through your core. Fuck. When she uses that voice it does things to your body you can't explain.

You breathe back heavily, your own breath tangling with hers and you're completely lost in her hooded eyes, your sex burning and pounding away for her like it's been seared with hot toxic acid.

She climbs back down your front again leaving soft damp kisses down your neck, then your chest and then peppers them delightfully over your nipples. You squirm beneath her but she holds your arms down, gently pressing you further into the couch, as you both seem to sink deeper and deeper into the leather.

"Oh god Brittany" you sigh as she swipes her tongue under your nipple, occasionally alternating between the two. She then drags her tongue down your stomach and immediately your abs clench at the sensation. She continues further and further down, her eyes locked with your own and you try muffling a moan at the sight. She's tongues your lower abdomen till she reaches the edge of your panties and it's then your breathing becomes short and ragged. You sit up slightly on your elbows and stare down at her, buzzing with anticipation. Her dark hooded eyes glance back up at you and you feel your knee's weaken, looking at her is counterintuitive and frankly counterproductive so you rest your head back down letting your clammy hands fall at your wayside and grip onto the leather in expectation. Jesus fuck you're going to die.

You feel her hot breath glide over your soaking underwear and she begins to shower you with little kisses on the insides of your thighs. You feel a warm knot begin to tie itself within you and you shut your eyes tightly feeling your body tremble.

She kisses your skin and kisses again and again and you feel your heart flutter every time.

"Oh!" you blurt out suddenly.

The tip of her nose is now gliding slowly over your underwear, nudging against your throbbing clit through the sodding cotton material. You grip the leather in your hands tighter and your heart is racing.

"Ugh…Ugh…" you begin panting and try your hardest not to roll your hips up into her face.

She makes a satisfied humming sound that vibrates against your sex as she plants a kiss over your panties right on your center. A jolt of what feels like electricity zaps from your center through to your entire body.

"Oh…yes…" you pant, your breathing getting heavier and heavier.

You feel her giggle a little and she does it again and again.

"Brittany" you whine impatiently, your legs feeling numb at either side of her head.

The blonde buries her nose into your clit through the cotton layer and suddenly inhales sharply through her nose and she sighs sounding satisfied, her hot breath dancing over your skin and the material of your underwear.

"Oh Jesus fuck, you fucking tease" you groan, your voice deep and rattily from the back of your throat. Your face is flushed and burning, god she's trying to kill you.

She hooks a finger around the material of your underwear and winds the middle part tight around her finger, you don't realize what she's doing till she hikes it up suddenly.

"Oooooohh"

She's lifted up the middle part of your panties so they're pressing tightly against your clit as your soaking folds devour the now thin strip of material in the middle. Your lips and skin are bulging at either side of the thin strap of cotton and she continues to tug it up and up, winding you tighter and tighter. You feel like you're about to pass out.

You groan out when she lets the material go and all too quickly she's tugging your underwear down your legs. You instinctively raise them and kick them off once they're at your ankles. Now you feel like closing your legs because you're naked, exposed to her entirely but she has her palms on your thighs and is gently spreading your legs again. You decide to open your eyes and look at her but she's too busy staring at the space between your legs, her mouth making a small 'o' shape.

She wastes no further time and leans down running her tongue up your center, parting your wet aching folds.

"O-o-oh m-my g-o-od" you stutter out in sheer pleasure. Her tongue is so soft and wet and she's doing it again and again running her tongue slowly from the bottom right up to your clit and you can't fucking breathe. Goosebumps ripple from the base of you spine all the way up to your neck and you arch your back, feeling the cool air hit your hot sticky sweating skin.

She begins lapping away more quickly like you did and sucks on your clit and your heart is drumming, sending hot blood flushing throughout your body, most of it pulsating between your legs. Your legs shake a little when she dips her tongue in your entrance and twists it a certain way to the left and your eyes begin to water because it just feels so fucking good. You gasp struggling for air at the feel of her tongue twisting inside you.

You can hear yourself making strangled noises but you can hardly speak, you can hardly even feel the shame through the immense pleasure.

She extracts her tongue and sucks on your folds, her head bobbing up and down. You watch her in amazement. She's so good at that; she seems to know exactly what feels good. She lets your sensitive flesh go with a succulent wet pop and opens her eyes staring right at you, a smirk spreading across her glimmering mouth. "You like that, huh?" she smirks and you just stutter stupidly back.

The knot within your stomach is getting tighter and tighter, you're not going to last for much longer.

"I can't take much more" you pant at her.

"In that case" she smiles and climbs back up to your side. She starts kissing your shoulder and you feel your own wetness from her lips stick to your skin there. One of her hands begins stroking your inner thighs between your legs.

God.

You know what's coming.

As soon as her two digits move through your sex, seeping in the wetness there you know it's going to be amazing and you shudder and move your arm around her back so you're holding onto her for life. She begins stroking through your folds parting them more and you spread your legs even more for her, you already feel dizzy. You can feel the muscles in your stomach tighten with every stroke as you feel an indescribable warmth pooling deep and low within your stomach.

"GOD!" you scream out suddenly.

She slipped both her middle and forefinger into you, past the first knuckle and all the way to her second. She doesn't move, she just rests her hand, her fingers inside you and her face is watching you from the side.

Your jaw has slackened as you feel your inner walls clench a little around her fingers. You don't know what you were expecting but you weren't expecting this. You knew her fingers were long and slender but for some reason you weren't expecting her to enter you right to the hilt. You get lost in her eyes as she begins to grind into your hip from the side and slowly her fingers begin to pump into you.

Your mouth is still hanging open because no words or sounds seem to be able to describe this feeling.

Her digits move with ease inside you, so seamlessly and slickly. She cants and moves inside you with a medium tempo, fast but not quite fast enough but the knot is getting tighter and tighter and you're still not saying anything. Your mouth is just catching flies at this point and you simply watch her face, stunned.

Her fingers move down at first moving into you, withdrawing back out and you can hear the slickness of your sex make wet pops with every little thrust she makes. She begins alternating plunging downward then twisting her fingers upwards and as soon as she curls her digits up you see stars and you groan, your eyes rolling to the back of your head. She makes things fucking worse when she withdraws her fingers with a wet pop only to delve back in again. In and out she goes, your folds soaking and consuming at her fingers desperately.

In and out.

In and out.

You're panting and struggling, hearing your slickness smack and pop as she slides in and out of you.

She reaches deeper than you thought, twisting up more than you had anticipated, everything is just more than you expected. You thought this would feel similar to touching yourself but it isn't, it's nowhere near it, this is a million times better, to have someone else inside you like this. You already feel a deep burning intimacy that was never there with Sam.

Your lower stomach stirs as you feel your body get closer and closer to the edge. You tremble when she begins circling your clit with her thumb and you have no idea how she's making two separate rhythms with her fingers inside you and her thumb on the outside but she is. You're impressed by her dexterity.

"So good, so…so…" you begin panting against her hair.

You feel yourself get tighter and tighter, you feel like your sex is getting more and more sensitive, engorged almost. You feel yourself fill up with something more than Brittany's fingers but you don't know what it is. All you know is that you feel like you're about to explode and something magical is about to happen.

Her face is just below yours and she's kissing along your jawline and you're in heaven. Everything is hazy and everything becomes blurry. Sweaty and blurry. You can't think.

"I'm coming…I'm…" you struggle.

You're going to come.

Your body snaps and freezes and then pools into a wet warmness. You buck into her uncontrollably.

She keeps at the same pace and you feel yourself throb around her fingers, a pressure deep inside you coming to its peak. You feel wetter and wetter and then you feel a deep release, your body squirming and trembling beneath her, your thighs vibrating and your walls clenching around her fingers. But you still feel wet and you still feel the waves of pleasure coming and coming and it's not until she withdraws with a wet pop that you realize liquid is gushing from you.

She's rubbing your clit vigorously as your pleasure gushes and spills out seemingly endless; it's ecstasy, nirvana. You have no idea what's even happening and you want to scream but nothing's coming out your mouth. You're riding a physical and mental high that you've never experienced before and don't think ever will again. It paralyses your body and for a glorious moment you feel nothing but sheer unadulterated pleasure. Your insides are squirming as you come again and you feel like all your inner organs are trying to squeeze out through every pore on your body. Your body stops shaking and your thighs stop trembling when you no longer feel the gushing and you're breathing like you just ran for your life. Your heart, thighs and lungs rattling and shaking away as Brittany holds you. You feel mini aftershocks of your orgasm and you're just speechless, panting for air that seems really close and nonexistent at the moment.

Brittany's fingers just begin tracing around your hip and then up to your ribcage as she rests down at your side, nuzzling into your neck. You feel your chest rise and fall and your breathing still hasn't returned to normal. She comes back up and places kisses on your lips and you close your eyes, having the energy to do nothing but lazily try kiss her back. Everything smells like perfume and sweat and damp skin and sex. You try blinking quickly to come to some sort of compismentis state.

You feel wetness trickle the back of your thighs and you close your eyes feeling your face burn shamefully. "I-I'm sorry that's never happened before" you stutter out, your voice unrecognizable and dry.

You've ruined it.

She laughs softly and continues to kiss you. "It was beautiful" she says softly against your lips.

You feel your cheeks burn more, she can't possibly think that. "I'm scared to look," you croak out, "but I'm pretty sure I just soaked your couch".

"Mhmm you did," she hums back kissing your chin now, her blonde hair draped around you both creating your own little world. "Female ejaculation is totally normal and it's the hottest thing I ever felt and saw," she says and her eyes look down into yours dreamily. Her face so close you can see her freckles and the tiny blonde hair of her eyebrows.

You laugh nervously, knowing she isn't lying to you.

"You're everything I thought you'd be" she whispers against your cheek placing a chaste kiss there and your heart feels like it's about to implode.

You've never made love like this before. Afterwards there's normally sense of disappointment, most of the time you just felt it wasn't worth the hassle, but not now, not with Brittany.

You want to lie here and kiss every inch of her adorable sweaty face until she falls asleep naked in your arms.

She looks as exhausted as you feel and all you have the energy to do is smile at her. You don't know how long it's been but her skin is sticking to yours and you begin to feel less clammy. She pats you on the stomach and whispers, "C'mon, get up. We have to go on the rest of our date now"

You blink at her. "Date?"

"Yes silly, ok so we kinda did things the wrong way around, we were supposed to eat out then eat each other out but I guess we can do it this way too" she smiles scrunching up her nose adorably.

You can't fucking believe this woman.

You really just want to lie here and fall asleep but she forces you up and you cringe with embarrassment as a large pool of clear liquid has soaked into the couch, some of it dripping of the sides and splatting on the floor.

"Gross" you mumble and begin looking around for your clothes because you're starting to feel cold.

"Nothing some tissue and Fabreeze won't sort out" Brittany giggles.

It's a weird moment, the both of you getting dressed back into your clothes silently in Room 47, you exchange shy glances every now and then and you really have no reason to be shy around her after what you both just done. You chuckle a little when putting your shirt back on because you were right earlier; a button below your breasts has gone completely.

"You own me a shirt" you smirk at her.

She smiles at that.

Once the room is back in order she takes your hand gently and again like it's done the other two times (not that you're counting) it makes you irrationally emotional. "Don't worry, I just want to hold your hand till we exit the building" she admits quietly.

You walk along the corridor alongside her and squeeze her palm back. "Its fine"

As you both enter the elevator and it begins moving downward she looks to you from the side. Your legs are weak as hell and your heart is still racing.

"Are you OK?"

You snap out of your daze, a little startled by her question, "Oh, uhm, yeah. I just need a medic or something, or an ambulance" you mumble and clutch your still beating chest, "or maybe a damn heart surgeon"

She giggles.

"I really appreciate you-" you begin but she cuts you off.

"Sitting on your face?" she finishes for you with a smirk.

You laugh, feeling your face grow warm. "I was going for everything but yeah that too"

"You're welcome" she says and traces her thumb over the back of your hand.

You've officially never felt happier than in this moment.

You literally can't stop smiling as you walk down the street your arm around Brittany's much like it was earlier this morning. Except you've pretty much just had the most mind-blowing sex in your entire life and if possible, you think you've had some sort of hormonal and emotional reaction to it, like you're even more attracted to her than before.

"So where are we going?" you ask with a smile, wondering how much further you'll have to walk. Your legs are kind of weak right now.

"We're already here" she says happily and brings you both to a stop.

She has an excited grin on her face and she looks at you then up at the restaurant sign. You frown confused and then snort. The bright light of the KFC fast-food restaurant chain is lit above your heads.

"KFC?" you ask stunned and you can't help but laugh. "But…I wanted our first date to be special"

"It already is special Santana, and I don't know about you but I'm starved and I love chicken," she says with a sheepish grin. "Look" she states and stands upright a little more, her expression more serious, "I told you, the expensive restaurants and over the top dates just aren't my thing, I'm just glad to be here with you, ok?"

It's then that you feel your heart both expand and shrivel at the same time. You just smile breathlessly back at her. You swallow suddenly feeling a shitload of emotion. Pride, relief, satisfaction and your love for the woman standing in front of you growing tenfold. You knew you were falling in love with her but now you feel like you're falling so much faster than you were before, you wonder if you'll know the moment when you finally fall completely or has it already happened?

You nod and open the door for her like a gentlewoman should. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear, bowing her head as she walks in before you.

You both order chicken burgers, large fries and spicy chicken wings to share between you and when your stomach rumbles you realize you're actually starving.

"Told ya, coming here was a good idea" Brittany laughs poking you in the stomach playfully.

You snort at her and roll your eyes feeling giddy as hell. You both sit at a small table in the corner with an L-shaped leather seat and when Brittany sits down first you make sure you sit right next to her at the corner where both ends of the seat meet. You're sitting so close to her your thigh is grazing hers. You know friends don't sit this close, well maybe some do but you know by how close you are to her that if someone were to look your way they might think something of it. You push the thought to the back of your head though.

She looks down at where you've sat and giggles, "you sure you don't want arm room?"

"Nope" you grin happily at her and drinking a large amount of Pepsi. Damn you really needed a drink.

She giggles again and your stomach flutters. "Thirsty huh?" she says and her voice is so sexy and mischievous. "Not surprised, half of your body fluid practically just came squirting out of you"

You snort and choke at the same time.

You thump your chest and wipe under your nose convinced your soda came out of it. "Brittany!" you hiss caught between amusement and embarrassment, you slap her on the thigh.

"D'aww" she coos and chews some fries, "too soon?" she pouts.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, never mention it again" you say trying to keep your composure. "So," you say leisurely trying to change the subject quickly, "if this is a date then that means I get to know more about you right? That's what you said. Besides I feel like I know you a lot yet there's lots I don't know too"

"Ditto" she smiles back.

"So…uh…" you trail and you're distracted entirely when you notice she's chewing on a breast of chicken and sucking and licking the ends of her fingers. She frowns at you like she doesn't know why you've stopped talking. You feel a faint pulse in your throat and between your legs. "Uh sorry I think I'm just a little turned on again" you say and laugh a little feeling your cheeks flush, "I'm just not used to…" you trail again because you don't really know what you want to say. You thought sleeping with Brittany would relieve some of your tension but honestly you kind of want to go home with her and fuck her again and in many different ways.

"Are my fingers distracting you Santana?" she says with a sassy smirk, cleaning her hands with a napkin.

"Yes but it's fine" you roll your eyes and take another sip trying to conceal your blush. "So, I guess what I really _really _want to ask you is why did you buy the Evans Ranch?"

That's a simple enough question to begin with, right?

"Oh" she says, her own straw popping out her mouth like she wasn't expecting that to be your first question. "Uhm, Santana if there's one thing you must know about me it's this" she says and pauses.

You gulp and nod, not knowing what's coming.

"Family is very important to me" she says simply and smiles.

You blink at her ambiguity and wait for her to elaborate.

Her smile widens at your patience and she clears her throat, "OK see, as a counselor I've kind of learned things through the years, what really messes people up, and it always boils down to two main things – high school and parents. No two other things define you, make or break you, mold you like your parents or high school do"

"Huh" you say slowly, realizing she's probably right, you nod for her to continue.

"I wasn't in high school a lot, I barely graduated. I've never really had parents either so-"

"Are you trying to explain to me how you're so perfect and flawless unlike the rest of us?" you smirk at her, meaning every single word.

She purses her lips and shrugs bashfully. "No I'm not perfect," she says shaking her head, "but I want at least one of those things in my life, I want a family, people that I can call family. I bought the ranch because it reminds me of when I was on a farm as a kid, it's a good monthly income, it's not too far from a motocross track I use but most of all I plan on retiring there one day"

You blink at her. A woman in her 20's is already planning her retirement.

"When I've found my family, when I've made my family and when I feel accomplished in life, I'll move there and live happily ever after" she says and her eyes are misty and she's looking at you with purpose. She looks nervous and exposed, yet resilient and absolute in what she's saying. Like she likes what she's saying but is nervous about your response.

You gulp feeling your heart thump. "Do you think you're close to getting that family?"

She considers you for a moment, running the straw of her drink along her lower lip and makes a popping sound looking to the side in thought. "I don't know, maybe, things are definitely looking up" she smiles at you and you see her cheeks and the tips of her ears turn pink.

Oh fuck.

Your heart's about to burst out of your damn chest.

"That's a funny coincidence, things are beginning to look up for me too" you smile at her and nudge your elbow into her side.

That relaxes her and she giggles and begins to eat again looking happy. That's all you really want to do, make her happy. You smile back and eat some of your own fries.

"So," you say, "onto the more important things, Harry Potter or Twilight?"

She gapes at you, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "Harry Potter duh, eww so gross you even asked me that"

You both go into a fit of giggles and your heart flutters behind your ribcage. You begin to feel like you're actually on a date, like you need to woo her. You've never felt like this before, you've never really dated before and now you're nervous but it's an awesome nervous. Before you know what you're doing, because you want to impress her so damn much you swallow your nerves, force yourself not to look around the busy room and hold a fry out in front of her.

She blinks at you then to the fry and she looks cross-eyed for a moment and it's one of the cutest things. You try bite back a laugh at her adorably confused face and you jab the fry playfully against her lips until she gets the hint.

Her eyes lock with yours as she takes it in her mouth, little by little till she gets to the end of the fry and the tips of your fingers then she licks her lips, her tongue tickling your fingers ever so slightly. She swallows and looks at you in wonder. You feel kind of embarrassed and lame about doing something so cheesy but you had to show her you're making progress. There's no way that if anyone was even bothering to look your way for those few seconds that they would have thought your relationship with Brittany was platonic, but for the first time, in a very public place, you just didn't care.

You're not really great with words or expressing your feelings so you hope feeding her a fry was indicative of how you feel about her right now, that or just a really bad moment that's only supposed to happen in movies and cheap romance novels.

She smiles at you like she's proud. "Pikachu or Mew?" she asks suddenly, an impish look on her face.

You stutter, "are you freakin' asking me about Pokemon!?" you say and throw your head back in laughter.

"Yes, now answer me, who's cuter Pikachu or Mew?"

"Mhmm," you hum, "definitely Pikachu, the other one is like a weird alien thing, Pikachu is cute and yellow"

"Good choice" she says and clunks her soda cup against yours.

"So uh," you laugh a little and feel stupid about the question that pops into your head next "Being bisexual, what's it like?"

She stares at you with a blank face for split second before it lights up with laughter and amusement. "Uh, it's swell" she says giggling.

"No I mean, do you really not have any preferences? Who do you like better, men or women?"

"Santana," she sighs cocking her head to the side in that way that makes you feel like you just said something dumb but she finds it endearing nonetheless. "That's like asking Winnie The Pooh if he prefers jars of honey or pies filled with honey"

You frown. Brittany and her damn pie metaphors.

"I'm not following" you shake your head, amused by her sudden cartoon reference.

"Winne The Pooh loves honey right?" she asks, inflecting her voice up with such innocence. "I'm also a bear that likes honey, I love honey, no matter who supplies it, it's irrelevant to me if it's in a pie or a jar, you see?"

That oddly makes sense and you wonder how she manages to simplify things so easily and be damn cute about it at the same time. You grin and nod.

"All honey comes from bee's anyways" she shrugs and smiles at you wisely.

Ugh. You have no idea what she's talking about and to be honest you don't think you'll ever understand her completely sometimes. The way your heart rate is increasing and the way you're finding it difficult to swallow all of a sudden means she's literally given you too many feelings. She's so wonderful.

"Can you promise me something Santana?" she asks quietly, like she's unsure where she's now taking the conversation.

"Anything" you nod back in response automatically.

"Can you talk to Sam soon?"

You stare at her, not expecting that at all.

"You were very quick to leave his place, and I thought you might be but you really need to speak to him properly about things and let him know things are over-"

"I think he gets things are over" you give a hollow laugh.

"But if he loves you, which he does, he'd try to win you back. I know that's exactly what I'd do if you just walked away"

You hold your breath. Oh crap.

"You need to explain to him, step by step, what's happened with you and us over the past few months. He'll have so many questions, you may even need to talk about your sexuality, and you need to be ready for that."

You suddenly feel the familiar feeling of anxiety swirl in the pit your stomach, that horrible feeling you've had an awesome break from for a few days at least. You just shake your head slowly at her; you're not ready for that.

"Just promise me you'll talk to him soon, sometime this week?" she asks gently and under the table her hand rests on your knee somewhat calming you. "Think of it this way, the sooner you get this talk over and done with, there won't be much left to say to him afterwards so you won't have to worry about it again"

You force a smile and nod, "OK, for you, I'll do it"

She bats her eyelashes and seems adulated at your response, squeezing your knee before pulling away and returning to her meal.

"Britt, I just want you to know," you pause and swallow your nerves. You don't even know how to put into words how you feel right now or how to thank her. "I want you to know that this is possibly been the greatest day of my life"

Her eyes and face light up in delight as her blue eyes roam from your lips to your eyes and into your very soul.

"And that I don't want to ever be without you, I just can't do that"

The light leaves her eyes a little and you wonder if you said too much. You feel your stomach sink and the blood behind your cheeks creep up and burn with embarrassment. She's staring at you in a way that reminds you of your counseling sessions in Room 47 and it's making you uneasy. Her eyes narrow like she's studying you and god you want to know what she's thinking.

"Are you saying you'd kill yourself if I suddenly weren't in your life?" she asks suddenly and the question completely throws you.

You stare at her wondering if this is some sort of test, you decide to go with the truth, even if it's an uncomfortable one. "Yes, I'm not suicidal or anything it's just I don't know what I'd do without you. The idea of life without you is literally worse than death to me"

She stares at you, her expression unreadable as a long silence creeps into the air. Eventually she nods slowly, eyeing you like she's trying to figure you out.

"Sorry to be such a bummer on our date" you mumble feeling so fucking stupid.

It's then she laughs and you look back up at her. "You're being silly Santana" she says and you get the feeling she meant it more ways than one. "This has been the best date I've ever been on"

"Me too" you smile back weakly.

"This is the _only_ date you've been on" she giggles and the awkwardness is suddenly evaporated from the air.

"Yet I know it's the best" you wink at her and she laughs.

When you're both finished your meals and about to leave the place, a toddler in a highchair by the door starts wailing uncontrollably and people are looking your way. Damn kids in restaurants are literally the worst you think. You think Brittany's about to head to the door to leave with you but she stops and looks at the kid. He's in a chair but he appears to be beside a table on his own. Suddenly she's walking over to him and you just stand awkwardly by the door wondering what the hell she's doing. You can tell people around are getting pissed at this kid but he's just crying, maybe his parents are up ordering and they left him here.

Your eyes pop open when Brittany's in front of the highchair and lifts him out gently.

"Hey now, what's this crying all about?" she coos in a tone of voice you've never heard from her before as she bounces the kid up and down at her wayside.

Suddenly the kid stops crying and just blinks his red tired eyes at Brittany. You stare at them both and the kid has blue eyes and blonde hair, you swear they could pass as mother and son.

"Look at this widdle hand" Brittany says playfully and grabs the boys tiny hand in her own and shakes it lovingly. "I'm gonna eat this widdle finger, yes I am" she says and suddenly the woman in front of you is making play gnawing sounds and pretending to eat the kids hand.

And the kid bursts out laughing, his little body wriggling around in her arms.

He's actually laughing.

You stare at her in wonder, your heart swelling. How does she find everything so damn easy? She continues to awe you in the simplest ways. Everything about her fascinates you. The kid, a damn stranger has completely fallen in love with her within seconds and you're just standing here awkwardly by the door watching them.

It's by far the cutest thing you've ever witnessed.

You find yourself grinning stupidly at the kid who's eyes have lit up and continues to chuckle because Brittany's now pretend-eating his feet.

You can relate to how that damn toddler is feeling and it's then that it hits you, like you've been doused in ice cold reality, an actual smack on the face, no, on the soul, awakening you from a lifetime of slumber you weren't aware you were even in - you've found your one. You've found _it_. That feeling of falling completely in love you were searching for, this is it, you're not falling in love because you realize your feet have already landed safely on the ground, you've fell all the way in and you know without even looking up there's no chance in hell of you ever clawing your way back out. You feel elation and sadness and other feelings you can't explain swirl in your stomach. Your eyes water and you blink furiously, willing yourself not to cry but not because you don't want to, normally you hate crying and you hate other people seeing you cry but this time it's a good cry, a happy cry. A cry of realization. Suddenly you remember a question Brittany asked you on the Evan's Ranch a while back.

_"Do you believe in soul mates?"_

You wonder if she's already fell down here with you.

"Cute kid" Brittany says and you blink being reeled out of your thoughts. She's in front of you again and you didn't even see her come back. "His mom was up getting the meals, she thanked me" the blonde in front of you grins. "C'mon let's go, I'm getting tired"

You just nod dumbly and silently as she takes her arm in yours again. You both leave into the chilly night air together and begin your walk home.

"Santana, you're creeping me out you've just been staring at me since we left" Brittany says at your side as you both briskly walk down the sidewalk.

You open your mouth but close it again, you think you want to tell her you love her but you don't want to say it and you especially don't want her to think you're only saying it because she gave you a really great orgasm earlier.

You lay in bed that night wide awake, partly because Brittany is her usually clingy self, her head on your breasts and her arm flung around your waist but partly because you have so much running through your mind. You look down at the perfect blonde lying over you and your heart swells, how did you even get this lucky to have her? You think back to your date and what you said and what you should have said, you think back to the sex and think about what you should've done instead. Sam is also in the back of your mind because you know you now need to speak to him and in all honesty you just want to run away from everyone in your life, everyone except Brittany.

You shake her gently rousing her from sleep once you realize you really need to pee.

"Mhmm, erthing k?" she asks groggily, raising her head off you.

You smile at how cute she is. "Everything's fine, just got to pee"

"OK, hurry back" she says as you climb out of bed.

You pause at that and a fuzzy feeling sweeps inside you, you'd like to think she'd miss you when you're gone, you even take comfort in the thought she might even _need _you to some degree.

When you get to the door she adds

"Girlfriend"

You turn around slowly in the dark, staring at her lying haphazardly in bed.

"I…I can call you that too?" you ask.

"Of course" she giggles and yawns. "We're dating now"

"OK" you nod in a trance and turn around leaving the bedroom.

You walk to the bathroom in a daze. You have a girlfriend. Saying it inside your own head sounds so weird. You've always had a boyfriend and then a fiancé but now you have a girlfriend.

You look in the mirror situated on the medicine cabinet on the wall and stare at your pale tired face. You want to be there for her, you want her to feel the same way you feel about her. You want to get better for her. You want to sing for her, you want to be able to be happy and free. You're so happy with her, today was the best day ever yet part of you still feels miserable, every time something good happens a negative thought enters your head telling you that you don't deserve it and the voice is probably right.

You know you need to stop thinking like this, second-guessing yourself. You need to stop reevaluating your life all the time, you need to stop comparing your life to others, and you need to stop thinking you aren't good enough, especially for her.

But you aren't are you?

You open the cabinet in front of you and take out the small plastic bottle that's your anti-depressants. You unscrew the cap and shake a few onto your hand.

Pills, they make you deal with sadness, they practically stop bad stuff from happening. You think about talking to Sam and maybe you can do it if you have the edge the pills give you, today was the best day of your life but not everyday will be like this but maybe you can deal with anything life throws at you if you have them. You wouldn't have left Sam before the pills. Pills make you a better version of yourself, the version of yourself you've always wanted to be, and the version of yourself Brittany looks how she looks at you. The pills got you Brittany. You can make her happy if you're happy, you just need to deal with things a bit better. You just need more pills, you still feel the butterflies in your stomach when you're with Brittany so it's not like you're losing anything. Everything else doesn't matter you think as you shake the capsules in your palm and hear the powder inside shake about. They feel good in your hand. What harm can taking a few more than usual do?

Seriously, what harm could it do?

Maybe soon this way you won't even need Room 47.


End file.
